Live and learn: one of the most fundamental rules of humanity. I was never one to dodge knowledge; I have always, and will always embrace it for what it is worth. Going through life, one will find that certain bits of knowledge are exposed to them on a fairly regular basis. On rare occasions a truly unique piece of wisdom will make a place for itself in a new mind. Wisdom becomes an entity that can only be kept alive through common practice, as though a constant flowing energy proves to be the source in the very nature of the wisdom's immense power. Here, in an attempt to keep a lost trade skill alive, I present the extensive knowledge I have gained to any and all who care to lend their time to read that which follows.
:: How to Fit the Maximum Amount of Index Fingers into a Kitchen Freezer ::
There's no way around it, this is a long and involving process. If you're integrity is true, and your ambition is pure, you may master the skill that which all mankind has dreamed in which to grow proficient.
First and foremost, make sure your freezer is in proper working condition. I suggest getting a checkup on it before starting this procedure. Nothing is more heartbreaking than accomplishing the near impossible just to find your work desecrated by improper cooling. Virtually any size freezer will do, but you will find that larger freezers give you more working room, allowing a higher percentage of space packed full of index fingers.
I like to keep my collection of index fingers in a heavy burlap sack when storing them. There is sure to be many other materials out there which would provide better protection against decomposition, but for the length of time I need to store my fingers, burlap works just fine. You may want to line your storage sack with a little pesticide if you think it might be necessary, judging from the quality of your living quarters.
Once it is time to store your fingers in the sanctity of the kitchen freezer, the cleaning process comes first. Remove all your index fingers from your bag or storing device, place them into a straining mechanism such as a pasta colander, and proceed to rinse in fairly hot water. Do not keep the fingers under water for more than five minutes; index fingers are sometimes more sensitive to the moisture once they are severed.
After the fingers are clean, it is now time to remove the moisture that has just seeped in through the skin. Four fingers at a time, wrap them up in a paper towel, place them in a microwave, and heat them for two and a half minutes on medium power. Use a new paper towel for each set of index fingers.
Next we need to begin the cartilage removal routine. It is best to use a very sharp blade for this, cartilage is tough stuff, and it can really mess things up during the stacking procedure. Cut away all the cartilage on the end of each finger. Cartilage is frivolous and will only get in your way; cartilage protects from arthritis, but if it could not protect its host from murder, its of no importance here. Some of the cartilage is difficult to scrape from the bone once you get down to its junction, but a carrot peeler works like a charm.
Now to start sorting your index fingers. Lay them on a clean counter or table, and sort them into four piles: long, thick, normal, small. Sort them out carefully or your soul will rot in the depths of Hell after your meaningless life comes to a bitter end. It is of the utmost importance to keep them ordered carefully when stacking them as to keep your tumbling chances minimal.
The stacking procedure now beings. Start with the long fingers, stack them perpendicular to you, starting in the back, and alternating their direction as you line them up, so that no two knuckles are touching in a single line of the fingers. Avoid placing long or thick fingers into any small cubbies that your freezer may contain. Make as many rows as necessary to fill up the entire lower surface of your freezer with fingers of the long variety. If there are any blatant open spaces of the lower freezer surface showing, fill that space with whatever size finger fits best. Now stack the other fingers following this pattern: long is lowest, thick size on top of that, normal size on top of that, and then topping it off with your small fingers. Fill in any of the left over areas with your small fingers if you have any left, but do NOT try to force a long finger into a place where it will not fit; this is disrespectful among those who were lost in your project, and their ghosts will reincarnate to terrorize and torture any close family members or friends that you may have. Once you are finished with the stacking procedure, close the freezer door very carefully. I suggest duct taping your freezer door shut as an added precaution.
Maintenance can be expensive. To avoid costs, keep an eye on your collection of fingers for the first ten days of their placement into your freezer. Any of the remaining moisture that managed to stay inside will work itself out over this time, and can clump up in piles of ice that will rearrange the stacks at the least, or destroy your fingers one at a time if you are truly unfortunate.
Congratulations. You are on your way to master this estranged skill. Use it wisely, and pass it on to whomever deems themselves worthy of such knowledge.
