"BURN OF DEATH" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 20/06/2002

Burn of Death Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Epilogue

CHAPTER SIX

"Gabriella?" I heard somebody say. I didn't really care who it was. I had been lied to for my entire life. She had never bothered to tell me that the man that we had put into that hard, cold ground was not my father.
    I felt somebody touch my shoulder, but I didn't bother to look at who it was. I had long since stopped crying, though the rain left its own tears upon my cheeks. I felt empty of all feeling. I just lay there, staring at the stone in front of me, but not really seeing it. I saw everything going through my life, but that.
    "I'm going to take you home now, Gabriella."
    I turned to look up at Hunter, my eyes wild and frantic. "No! Don't take me back there! I don't want to look at her! I don't want to see any of them!" I screamed at and fought him when he tried to help me up. "I'll just stay here."
    "You'll get sick and die out here in this storm, Gabriella," Hunter reasoned.
    "Why are you out here, anyway?" I felt disgusted and angry that somebody had found me. Especially him. Why did I have to seem so weak and helpless around him?
    "I was coming back from a Halloween party with some friends and saw you lying out here." He was so calm, and it was somehow calming me down.
    And then I realised with anger that his friends might still be there. No! I couldn't allow them to see me so helpless. "Who is in that car?" I snapped viciously, seeing the car behind him.
    "Just some girlfriends of my sister's, and my sister," he answered, taking my hand. "If you won't come home, at least come to mine. I can't let you stay out here."
    I let him help me up and to the car. The girls in there looked out at me shocked, but they willingly helped me into the car. His sister, Hannah, actually let me lean against her.
    When we got to the house, Hannah helped me into her room. She got me a towel and some clothes. She didn't say a word as she handed me these things, and went into the bathroom to draw out a bath. I just stood there, watching her. We were in a guestroom, one I knew very well because I had once often played in it. But everything seemed in a haze, a dream world.
    "Come on, Gabriella. You need to get out of those clothes. Are you okay?" She seemed genuinely concerned.
    I nodded. "Can I talk to Hunter after I get out of the bath?" I asked, wanting to see a familiar, friendly face.
    She smiled at me. "Of course you can. I will get him." I knew Hannah was older than me by quite a few years and must have ridden along to chaperone, I was sure, her younger sister who was a year younger than Kit. I was grateful for her friendliness, because I knew his other sister Helen wouldn't be so nice.
    Hannah left me to get into the bath. The water rushed in around me like a warm, comforting blanket. Soon, I felt myself drifting. I knew I was in there a good two hours, forcing myself to stay awake. The water had chilled by the time I rose from its comfort.
    I looked down at the water with disgust. It was filled with mud from the dirt that had fallen from my skin. I drained the water quickly and turned the shower on full blast. I washed my hair and body many times, feeling disgusting after looking at the water. I must have looked absolutely miserable and disgusting to Hannah and Hunter.
    When I finally got out, I dressed in Hannah's blue nightgown. It was kind of sheer; that was why, I figured, she had given me the blue robe that matched it. I slipped the robe around me and tied it tightly. I towel-dried my hair until it no longer dripped, and then I set the towel and my disgusting clothing inside of the laundry bin that was set off to the side.
    I walked out of the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Hunter was there, sitting and waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. He seemed to have been dozing, but the click of the bathroom door shutting snapped his eyes open. "Hi," he said simply, waiting for me to say something.
    I swallowed and looked down at the floor. "Hi," I muttered. I was scared to go over again what had happened. I was scared of my feelings starting their emotional act again. I was scared to say the words I had read out loud. Especially to anyone else. But I knew Hunter deserved to know why I was here.
    He stood up and walked over to me. "You don't have to tell me now what happened, Gabriella. I'm just worried about you. But go ahead and get some sleep. We can talk later."
    I was going to let him leave. He was at the door and about to go when the fear of being completely alone with it all bottled up scared me into crying, "Wait!"
    He looked back to me, shocked at how I cried out the word. "What?" he asked, stepping away from the door.
    "Don't go, please. I need to talk about it to somebody." I felt so weak, as if the wall I had put up around me for so long was crumbling all around me, leaving my heart, my emotions vulnerable and for all to see. I hated that feeling, but I welcomed it as well. I no longer wanted to be alone with all of my feelings. I needed to tell somebody.
    He sat down beside me on the bed and waited for me to talk. And so I did, telling him what I had found in the letter and everything that I remembered about my life, and how finding this out in a letter not even addressed to me made me feel. I couldn't stop the next onslaught of tears, and I allowed him to hold me to him and rock me back and forth until I was finally too exhausted to go on.
    "I'm so sorry, Hunter. I know I shouldn't have gone on and on like that, but it's just so hard. He was my daddy. It changes so much to me. It changes my entire life. It makes Kit not my full-blooded sister. And now that I think about it, I realise how much I look like that dreadful man!" The realisation of where I had got my blue eyes made me shiver. I had his eyes. His horrible, ice-like eyes.
    "You don't look that much like him," Hunter promised, making me look up at him. "You look an extreme amount like your mother. And your mother is very beautiful, Gabriella. You just have his eyes."
    "I don't want his eyes," I whispered hoarsely. "I don't want his eyes because they are so cold and uncaring. And though I try to act like I am cold and uncaring, I'm not! I do care."
    "Your eyes aren't cold and uncaring like his. They show that you aren't mean and weird like you tend to act. Had your eyes truly looked like his, I would never have bothered to try being friends with you." I felt relief when he said that. I also felt with dread that I was falling completely in love. I hadn't meant to ever fall in love with anyone. Falling in love meant trusting. That scared me.
    I pulled away from his embrace quickly. I could see that he saw my withdrawal from him in more than pulling physically away from him. How could I explain to him what he was making me feel and how it was scaring me? It was just too much.
    My crying began again, only for other reasons now. He made me look at him and then he kissed me. Just as last time, not a word was said between us. Just as last time, I kissed back. But unlike last time, it went further.
    His touch was comforting and I needed it. I let him continue kissing me, but in other places than my lips. I felt myself drifting off into the comfort of the dream world again. And it truly felt like a dream. The pain when he took my virginity felt lessened by the fact that I was in a complete haze. All I could do was kiss and touch back, only half knowing what I was doing.
    And when it was over and I had realised what I had done I pulled away from him. "Please, don't say anything, Hunter. What I just did was incredibly stupid and I know I'll only pay for it with my heart now."
    "You trust me, don't you?" he asked, seeming shocked and still breathless.
    To my personal disgust, I nodded. "Yes, I do. So don't use that against me."
    He pulled me against his side. "You can continue trusting me. I promise you I'm not going to hurt you, Gabriella. Don't pull away from me, please."
    "How do I know that you're not just going to leave me?" I asked, turning my head to look up at him.
    "I have no proof now, but someday I will have it. I'm not going to leave you. Just trust me, because if you start to pull away from me now, it would hurt me. And I'm not trying to be a jackass and give you lines," he insisted, seeing my scepticism.
    I didn't pull away from Hunter. I let him stay with me throughout the night and in the morning, after he had somebody bring breakfast up to me, I felt ready to face them. Hunter came up just after I had pulled the robe around me. "Let Hannah lend you some clothes, Gabriella. Don't wear that home." His eyes looked me over, seeming to remember the night before. Both of us were. It put my heart into its usual race. I wasn't sure that we would ever stop touching and kissing one another the night before. It made me blush to think about it now.
    I nodded and he left to bring me back a pair of jeans and a sweater of his sister's. The jeans fit a little snugly because I was a bit bigger than her, but they would be fine until I got into my room with my own clothing. The sweater was tight around my chest, too, because I was bigger in that area as well. It made me realise just how tiny his sister was, and just how much bigger I really was.
    I let Hunter take me home, though I felt very awkward towards him. I sat there in silence half the way before he said a single word. Finally, not being able to take it anymore, Hunter spoke up. "Gabriella, there is no need to feel strange around me."
    "You begged me to trust you, but I'm not sure I can. I have no proof that you're not going to hurt me." At least I was being honest.
    He sighed. "You can trust me. I am not out to hurt you! I care too much about you, don't you see that?"
    "How can I see it? You hardly even know me, Hunter! You know that I am a pitiful mess and you've taken pity on me. That's how I see it. I don't need your good graces anymore, though. I'll be fine on my own. Don't come around again unless you seriously want to get to know the real me." I jumped out of the car as it pulled to a stop in the driveway. I slammed the car door and started my way up to the front door, so torn between running back to the safety of the car, or actually getting my guts back and facing what was inside my home.
    I chose the house. I was tired of being weak and leaning on someone else every time something went wrong. It felt good to have someone stand by your side, but it didn't feel good to be whiny and too dependent on somebody else. I could do this alone. If Hunter truly cared, then he would try to get to know me, rather than just continuously comforting me and trying to make me "feel better". I knew now what he meant by feel better. I didn't want sex every time I was in emotional distress.
    When I walked into the house, Kit was just making her way upstairs. I had forgotten it was Saturday and I would be running into her. She looked at me, her eyes wide. I could tell something had happened when Mama and Richard had come home last night. It was written in the depths of her eyes, warning me that I would have to be strong.
    I nodded. "Where is she?" I asked simply. I knew she understood what I meant.
    "She's been locked in her room all day long, Gabby. Go talk to her. Whatever you went into her room and saw last night really got to her," she announced, looking miserable.
    I followed Kit up the stairs until she went into her bedroom. Then I finished my trek to my mother's room by myself, not knowing what to expect there. When I got to her room, all of the guilt replaced the anger and betrayal I had faced the night before. The realisation that my mother hadn't told me the truth to protect me came crashing down around me. The door I had opened up had been locked for many years, in hopes that it would never be opened again. But I had unlocked it, and now I knew. I knew the truth of who I was. But what was there that led up to who I was exactly? There was more to learn. So I turned the knob and pushed the door open.
    I saw her lying on her side curled up in her bed. Her dark hair covered the pillow and framed her face that seemed to look beautiful even in the misery I could see visibly without being close to her. I had brought this on. The knowledge was not exactly welcoming.
    I walked up to her, wanting to apologise. The arguments started in on me again, though. One voice asking, why should I apologise? She had done me wrong by lying to me. The other telling me that she had done so to protect me, and if she had meant to tell me she would have. I should never have sneaked into her bedroom to read her personal things.
    She sat up before I was finished arguing with myself. Her dark eyes, surprisingly, didn't look as though they had been crying. They were clear, thoughtful. I was afraid of those eyes. I had no idea what to expect to come from her lips. "Mama, I know what I did was wrong, but-"
    She cut me off immediately. "You had no need to sneak in here to read that letter, Gabriella. I have been fighting myself for days on end, willing myself to give it to you. It was addressed to you, you know." Her eyes were so dark they appeared black. "But sneaking in here to read it was uncalled for. How could you do that? You, who claims to not know how to trust? Shouldn't you realise that people's personal feelings should be locked up inside of them if that is where they choose to keep them?"
    Personal feelings? Oh my God! She thought that I had read her diary. I shook my head. "No, Mama. I didn't read your diary. I am sorry you think that I did. My only aim was for the letter, though. I promise."
    She looked away from me. "Why didn't you read it? It was right there."
    "It belongs to you, Mama. Just as I believed the letter did. I don't know why I thought I had a right to look at the letter but not your diary. I'm sorry," I apologised again, wanting so badly to be close to her. Why couldn't she just hold me like she did when I was little and things frightened me? What had happened to that mother?
    I was shocked when she leaned over and picked up the thick diary in her hands. She bit her lip, just as I often did, I realised. Then she handed it to me. "You deserve to know the past, Gabriella. There are two more books I have written completely in. I like to keep my feelings down because it helps when I am unable to say them out loud. These are yours now," she said, pulling out the other two volumes from beneath her bed and handing them to me. "Read them, maybe you'll understand me more. And trust me, I do love you. I'm just scared to love you, now."
    I knew those words were meant to dismiss me. So I turned and left, holding the books tightly to me. What could be in them? I couldn't help but be curious. What stories of the past were wrapped up in these three volumes? I found myself rushing to my room. I sat down and opened the covers until I found what I knew was the first one. I turned the first page that had her name written on it and then I began to read my mother's life. And the more I read, the more understanding I did become. And the more I realised, I was just like my mother.

Burn of Death Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Epilogue

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