© 2003 by Sarah Ryniker JudgmentalMama@hotmail.com http://www.oocities.org/iamthealmightyrah/FF.html
STORY LAST UPDATED ON 01/03/2003
Melancholy Dreams Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue
CHAPTER FOUR: PASSION
I avoided David the best I could. I had started working with him only three days after first speaking with Alex. When I spoke to her the second time, she took down my measurement and then gave me a bright green Arabian costume. It was two pieces with large, transparent sleeves on the top that resembled a bathing suit with sleeves, and large pants with little bits and pieces of the same transparent material flowing from it all over. I also was given a headpiece to hold my hair out of my face that somewhat resembled a crown, with a pale green piece of jewellery in it. I later found out that it was a real piece of jade embedded into silver.
I hated working alongside David. But for more reasons than one. One being that I hated the truth right in my face day in and day out. The second reason being that I was insanely jealous of all of the women that flirted with him, and whom he flirted with in return. The third reason being that I knew how he felt about me. And I hated knowing that I truly didn't hate him at all.
However, I knew David must have felt something towards me, because every now and then I would feel his eyes on me. And when I turned to look he would be staring at me. He never turned away when I caught him, either. It was his cocky way of saying that he could have me if he wanted me, and I knew that. What I hated most was that it was God's honest truth. And it scared me more than words could ever say. I was truly scared of ever being alone with him. The feeling of sheer need and passion for him in me had got stronger and stronger as time had worn on. Seeing him and knowing that he truly was a good person, and the fact that I was physically attracted to him, had both worked against my feelings. I was scared about what I would do if ever given the chance.
One day, David and I had break at the same time. We were the only ones in the break room, and I immediately felt all of the air in the room being sucked out through the door. I felt like passing out as the blood rushed through my veins. I turned away from him as the blood rushed into my cheeks to heat my face and tint it an all too obvious crimson.
"What's wrong with you? Can't even look at me now?" he asked in a disgusted tone, making it slightly easier for me to tame my wild feelings.
"Why would I want to look at someone who hates me and whom I personally can't stand?" I retorted.
Suddenly, he came up behind me and was inches from my ear. "Is that really the truth, Cry? Can you really not stand me, or are you just trying to hide something that most can see?" he breathed in my ear.
Against my will, my breathing quickened. I sucked in and closed my eyes. "Leave me alone, David, please," I said through gritted teeth.
He leaned closer to my ear and whispered even softer, "As you wish." Then he left me standing there, my body feeling as if I was completely on fire.
I hated the fact that he knew what I felt. I wasn't sure if it was pure lust or something more. But I was almost positive that it was lust. I wanted him. And I blamed my lustful feelings on Landon. If it hadn't been for him, I would never feel this way. Not about the wrong man. I would only feel this way about the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I promised myself that I would find a way to control myself around David.
I felt the need to run away from him every time I saw him. But worse, I felt the need to run to him and be wrapped in his arms for one full night. But I knew that even if I did give in for just one night, it would only make it worse. I would want more and more. I would throw myself more into the pits of destruction. I was already a ruined woman. I didn't need to further that.
I knew that I only made it worse by not confiding in somebody about it. But I couldn't. It was a secret that was best kept to myself. If I were to tell anyone, I feared ridicule. I knew it was silly. But I feared that Francine would think that everything said about me was right. I was no more than some promiscuous little slut living with them.
It seemed, however, that David avoided me, as well. We saw each other at work and at Kim's, but never alone. We argued, but I could see something deep in his eyes. He wanted me. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, if not more. And that made my heart pound and my insides burn with a desire I'd never felt before.
One day while Kim and Francine, who seemed to be closer to each other than either were to me, were out shopping with Kylie, I sat in the living room reading a book. I was so lost within the pages and words of the story I hadn't heard the front door open and close. I did, however, hear David calling for Kim or Kylie.
I held my breath, waiting for his entrance. I wasn't sure if I was excited or scared because I was alone. But it seemed that my body felt something was about to happen. Something that was meant to be and that I had no control over. When he walked into the living room, I knew that I was done for.
He had just come from church, and his hair was slicked down. He wore a white shirt with a dark brown over-jacket and brown slacks. He held a hat in his hands, but something told me he had hardly, if he had, worn it at all. Yet it all seemed to fit together in this package of male perfection that I couldn't keep my eyes off of.
"Where is Kim?" he asked. His eyes told me nothing as he looked at me. He just looked disgusted to see me.
"She and Francine are out shopping," I said nonchalantly, pretending interest in my book.
"Will she be back any time soon?" he asked, getting annoyed by the fact that I seemed to be ignoring him.
I shrugged. "I don't know," I muttered and turned the page, remembering the page number because I hadn't yet really read it.
"Can you pull yourself out of your stuck up world so you can at least tell me where they went?" he snapped.
I shrugged again and pretended to keep reading. "They don't tell me where they go."
I could feel his icy cold stare on me, and it gave me a chill up my spine. "What is wrong with you? You don't know how to be even slightly courteous to people?"
"You're the one who told me I was too judgmental and nothing more than a slut who would cause everyone trouble," I snapped back, dropping the book to look at him with an angry glare.
"That's exactly what you are. No more than a rude little hussy," he declared.
I jumped to my feet. "If I'm so damn rude, why the hell do you still find a reason to argue with me? I already know how you, the most arrogant and cocky person I've ever met, feel about me. I get the damn point." He walked over to me, and I felt scared. He looked so angry. I could almost feel the hit before it happened.
But the hit never came. Suddenly he had his arms around me and was kissing me so passionately the book that I had still been holding fell from my fingers and hit the floor. I never heard the thud. I kissed him back with just as much fervent passion.
Suddenly I was standing on the chair, and his hands and mouth were kissing me and touching me all over. My breath quickened with each touch, and I moaned as his hand found its way up my shirt. Suddenly my shirt was up over my head and lying on the floor as his hands found my breasts. His other hand made its way around to my back where it unclasped my bra.
Excitement was pounding fiercely through my blood. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to fight him. I knew it would be the right thing to do. Yet I couldn't. That part of me that wanted would have its way, no matter what. I let go completely and began pulling at his clothing.
When it was over, I sat curled up in his lap on the chair. His arms were around me, and the guilt had begun to settle in as my breathing began to slow. I bit my lip and my eyes became full of tears. I pulled away from him and got up. I grabbed my panties and put them on, and then pulled my jeans up over my hips.
"What's wrong? I thought that's what you wanted." His words stung, and I closed my eyes.
"I disgraced myself, again. You're right about me. I am no more than some sex object for men to lust over and use." I turned away to pick up my shirt after putting my bra on. "And it would have been nice if you could have at least pretended that you wanted it to, instead of acting like you were obligated to give me my way."
I felt his presence behind me, and I felt like shooting myself when already my blood began to roar through my veins. "I did want it, too, Cry. I've wanted you from day one and that's bothered me. I never sleep with anybody I know and I never get to know anybody that I sleep with. You only get hurt in the end."
"I won't deny that I want you, David. You already know that. I won't let my heart get into it. I didn't before, I won't now." I held my breath, hating what I was saying. But I needed him. My body would have what it wanted, whether my heart and mind begged for otherwise.
"What are you saying?" he asked, seeming shocked, yet I felt his breath quicken at the thought.
"You know what I'm saying," I said, turning towards him. "I can be your lover, as long as nobody knows. And neither one of us have to get hurt. We merely have to break it off should we find anybody else."
The deal was made with a kiss, and before I knew it we were in my bedroom. He left before Kim and Francine got back. I had begun to get nervous about it, but it also held the erotic danger of getting caught, which only excited me more.
As much as I enjoyed what David and I were doing, I also was very disgusted with myself. It wasn't his fault I felt dirty. It was my fault. I had offered my body and nothing more to him. I had become, yet again, somebody's plaything. I had been Landon's and I was now David's. But who, I couldn't help thinking, would be next?
Kim and Francine, if they'd noticed the difference, didn't say anything. They spent more and more time with each other. And I became more and more excited every time they would leave. I would either meet David somewhere or he would come see me. I would wait with anticipation to see him, wanting his hands all over my body.
One day, I met him at his apartment, and it was mid-evening before we stopped to even breathe. We lay there in each other's arms, and I got a strange sensation that this was where I belonged. I closed my eyes to it. I had to stop romanticising about this. My heart wouldn't get into it.
"Cry? Is something wrong?" he asked.
"What? Why would you think something was wrong?" I asked, looking up at him.
"I can tell the change in you." It spooked me that he knew what I was feeling just by the way my body acted, even if it was only slightly.
I shook my head. "Nothing really." I then thought about one thing that was bothering me. "It's just that I have family in Carmel, California. I need to go there, let them know I am alive."
"They think you're dead?" he asked in bewilderment.
The look on his face as he asked made me laugh. "No! They don't know I exist, yet." I began to explain things, things nobody knew about me just yet. Not even Francine or Kim.
"Then you should go," he told me. It almost hurt that he seemed to want to get rid of me. But, of course, I didn't say anything.
"I'm planning on going in two weeks." It was a spur of the moment decision, but I knew that it was a good one. I needed to get away for a short while.
"Then that's two more weeks I have to kiss you." He leaned over to kiss me. "And to touch you." He ran his hand down my back and made my entire body shiver.
That night when I went home, I announced to Kim and Francine that I would be going to Carmel. I then went into a full explanation about why I was going. I didn't explain to them one of the reasons why I needed to go, of course. But I think, somehow, they both understood.
I quit my job at the Aladdin. I wasn't sure when I'd be back, so I didn't give Alex a date. She promised to keep my job open for me for a year, but if I didn't come back in that year, she would give it up. She was being more than generous. I hugged her. "Thank you for understanding, Alex," I whispered as I held tightly to my boss and friend.
"Of course I understand. There are just some things people need to do in their lives, no matter what," she said, hugging me tightly for a quick second and then releasing me with a smile. "I just hope to see you within the next year."
I left the room crying. I hadn't realised that I'd made so many friends in the last five months I'd been there. It was already June and sweltering hot. I was somewhat relieved to be leaving to go to the ocean. I'd never been in heat such as the heat in Nevada. I knew that it would make me sick.
I drove to the airport alone. I'd made arrangements for Francine or Kim to pick up the car later that evening. I just couldn't get myself to let them come along and say good-bye to me there. I didn't want to remember them sad. What if I never saw them again? What if I just didn't come back?
I knew that it was my decision not to go back. Yet was it really? What if something held me there? I did have family there. I just had to find out if blood really was thicker than water. I breathed out a sigh as I thought about it. I didn't need to dwell on it, I decided. I would soon find out.
As I was walking towards the gate, I saw a familiar figure standing there. I knew it was David even before he turned around, and my heart leaped into my throat and, not to mention, my eyes. I feared him seeing it, but I pretended all was well.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to keep calm. I wanted so much for him to beg me to stay, to confess his love.
What I wanted wasn't always what I would get. "I came here to properly say good-bye to a good friend," he said, and hugged me. "I'll miss you, Cry. I'm sorry that I didn't act like I would."
When he released me, I looked down and rubbed my forehead absentmindedly. "It's fine, David. I'll miss you, too." The announcement for my flight came over the loudspeaker. "I guess I'll see you again someday," I told him, looking him in the eyes.
"Someday," he whispered. I saw it in a quick flash of his eyes. He did feel, even if it was only slight, more than he would admit.
I left him there without another word. My heart was pounding so hard that I would truly choke on it, along with my tears. For as much as I hated to admit it, I had fallen in love with my enemy. I was leaving my first love behind, just as I once left the only home I'd ever known. Only this hurt far worse. Because I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel the comfort and strength of his arms around me as we showed each other that passion that one another felt.
Melancholy Dreams Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue