"MELANCHOLY DREAMS" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 01/03/2003

Melancholy Dreams Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

CHAPTER NINE: BROKEN PROMISES

I found Eddie lying outside in the grass, taking deep breaths. It was his way of meditating. I thought that he truly must be insane to be lying outside on the ground when it was so cold outside. But it was truly a beautiful day in March, the sky filled with only light, fluffy clouds and blue sky.
    I lay beside him, putting my head on his chest. "I know I'm your sister, Eddie, but love me like I love you. I don't think I can bear it if you don't."
    "You know that I care strongly for you, Cry. You've always known. But how can I forgive myself for being with you?" He breathed out a sigh as he played with my hair.
    "You can pretend you don't know. I can, too. After all, we weren't raised together. Why, it's like we are perfect strangers," I said, sitting up to look down at him. I knew that he could feel me watching him, even if he couldn't see me. "Please, don't turn me away, Eddie. I love you so much," I cried.
    "I love you, too," he whispered. Before he could utter another word to try pushing me away, I leaned closer and pressed my lips to his.
    He didn't resist, though I knew that he wanted to. But he wanted me. He was in love with me. Though I never did know if I truly loved him or not. I don't think I did, but just knowing that he loved me was enough for me.
    I somehow didn't feel guilty for breaking my promise to Felicity as he made love to me on the grass. His kisses were gentle and as much as they didn't do much for me, they did take my mind away from the horrible sadness that had just been shoved into my face. It took me to a world where only Eddie's love for me existed. In that world he could see me, but only me.
    He took me three different times on that grass before we split apart. We knew that what was happening between us had to be kept a big secret. It wasn't easy hiding it from Felicity. It was difficult for both of us. But we did it. It wasn't truly like lying. After all, it wasn't like she was actually asking us.
    After only a week, it became difficult to be away from him. Eddie was my sunshine from the storms. I was so lost in my personal little world that I hadn't realised that Felicity had left to go to Kimberly's funeral without me. I knew to do that she must be angry, and I was dreading her arrival back.
    I was stunned when she did, however. She walked in with Kylie not far behind her. Kylie looked absolutely miserable, her cheeks were stained with tears she'd cried for hours and hours. A jolt of adult feelings of guilt hit like a tidal wave.
    "Felicity? Why didn't you tell me you were going?" I asked.
    "Because when I asked if you wanted to, you insisted that you didn't want to be around such misery. You insisted that you'd had enough." She was annoyed with me, but she hid it the best she could for Kylie's sake.
    She knelt down beside Kylie and stroked her hair gently. "Kylie, sweetheart, this nice man is going to show you to your room now. I'll be up in just a bit to check on you, alright?" Kylie nodded, and followed Kingsman up the stairs.
    I watched her go, and turned back to Felicity when she disappeared. I followed her as she walked into the front parlour, stripping off her jacket and gloves. "What is she doing here?" I asked.
    "She was left with nothing, Cry. Her family took everything because Kimberly ignored her disease and never made a will. Neither Francine nor David has the money to care for her, so I have decided to adopt her myself. She will see her father as often as possible, as well as Francine."
    What she said brought tears to my eyes. Not even Kylie's own aunt Alex would take her in. That chilled me to the core. "I'm so sorry I didn't go now," I whispered.
    Felicity's head shot up to give me a look of disgust, a look I hadn't received in an extremely long time. "Sorry? You're not sorry. You've been here playing hanky-panky with my brother, living it up." When she saw the shocked look on my face, she smiled wickedly. "You think I am blind, sister dear. However, I am far from it. You two can stop trying to hide the obvious. I won't stop it. It's not my place to judge, it's God's." With that she dismissed me, refusing to allow me another word. She slipped past me to go talk to Kylie upstairs.
    Ashamed, I stood in the room with my head bent. Tears slid down my cheeks, as it all became a reality. Kimberly was dead and, if it weren't for Felicity's kindness, that she hid ever so well, Kylie wouldn't even have a home. Her family has disowned her. She was nothing more than a seven-year-old little girl.
    And what was I? I was a grown woman acting like a child. Of course, I couldn't seem to help it. Yet I was just lucky enough to have a family that didn't give up on others. I had people that hadn't even known me suddenly care enough to give me home and let me keep it, no matter what I did. I knew that I was being ungrateful. But I couldn't help it. And that made me more frustrated and angry with myself.
    However, as miserable as I was standing in that room, the moment I saw Eddie, I ran to him. I cried, and he held me. I knew that I was using him because I didn't love him. I would always only love David, though he had already forgot about me now and would never know it. But I used Eddie's love for me to be comforted.
    That night I stayed in Eddie's room. He couldn't seem to take his hands off of me and that night, with all of my pent-up anger, I was going to show him exactly how I wanted him. I wasn't going to just deal with his slow, gentle ways. I wanted him to be almost brutal in his "lovemaking", as he chose to call it.
    "No! Not like that!" I yelled at him as he began to softly nibble on my neck. "Bite me, Eddie. Take advantage of me. I want you," I demanded. I placed one of his hands on my breasts, and whispered in his ear. "Touch me, Eddie. Really touch me. The way I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes that you're not completely satisfied. So satisfy yourself."
    That was all it took. Suddenly, I was crying out with sheer pleasure, not caring who heard me. After telling Eddie to do what he wanted, he was the best lover. It excited me now to sneak away with him. And he was more excited to be with me now. Every chance we were given, our hands and mouths were all over one another.
    The looks from Felicity were chilling, but I ignored them. I had a need within me to fulfil, and that need was only satisfied for a short while before I needed and wanted more. Her cruel looks and anger wouldn't get the best of me again.
    "You'll regret this someday, Cry," she insisted on more than one occasion. "Someday it will all catch up with you."
    I laughed at her one day as we were having lunch on the back porch by the pool. "Oh, you heard Dr Thromwell. I have no sense of guilt, no sense of true reality. I don't know what I'm doing."
    "Oh, you fool, that is just an excuse you use. You know damned well what you're doing, and that's what makes it so unforgiving," she snapped.
    I didn't want her to be right about regretting. But I knew in my heart that it was true. I knew that I would regret it someday. But like most everything that made me think or made me miserable, I threw caution into the wind. I didn't want anything serious to enter my mind. Seriousness equalled up to depression.
    But depression was soon to be knocking on my door, no matter how often Eddie and I were together. When David came by himself this time to visit Kylie, I watched how his eyes never left Felicity. Just like last time, she ignored him, but jealousy raged within my heart. I also wondered how she could ignore him so well.
    All at once, though, jealousy would calm down and turn into something bittersweet. As I watched him gently handle the depressed Kylie, all the feelings I had for him welled up within me. It was enough to bring tears to my eyes. He was so good to her, taking such good care of her. It was such a shame that he couldn't take care of her. Once more, however, Felicity was to deliver a shock of a lifetime.
    "Stay here," she told him one night. I wasn't supposed to hear it, but I was making my way up the stairs, and heard them talking in the hall after they'd both tucked Kylie into bed. "She needs you, David. She is your daughter to raise, not mine. I can't give her everything she needs."
    I breathed a sigh of relief. Felicity sounded so business-like when she'd said it. That had to mean she had no feelings for him at all. And that was what I wanted to hear. I wanted them to stay apart. I didn't want David's crush on her to become anything more than that. If it did, it would tear my heart into a million pieces.
    So David moved in. Which caused problems with Eddie. I knew that he could see I was distracted the moment David had come through the door just for a visit. But the distraction became worse, knowing that he would be forever under the same roof as me.
    However, David ignored me as much as Felicity ignored him, if not more so. Every time I would smile his way, especially a sexy, enticing smile, he would send back a quick, tight smile, turn around and leave the room. It was as if he couldn't stand the sight of me any longer. That was an incredible blow to my ego.
    As I was thrown into a farther depression, I couldn't even continue my affair with Eddie. Honestly, I couldn't truly pinpoint the reason why I suddenly lost my sex drive. It was just that I just didn't want it anymore. The thought of it actually made me vomit. But then again, anything made me vomit anymore. So I blamed it on depression, yet my older sister blamed it on something else.
    It had been going on for two months now, off and on, but on for the most part. I was running to go to the restroom, for the fourth time in less than two hours, when Felicity stopped me. I turned to her, put a finger up to halt her words and ran to the bathroom.
    She stopped me again as I came out. "Cry, I've been watching you for two months now. Your behaviour has me worried," she said, her concerned look made me happy. She hadn't looked like she gave a damn about me in months now.
    "Why does it worry you? I'm perfectly fine. I've just been a little depressed lately." Which was true. I was depressed, and ever so moody.
    "Hmm," she muttered. "No, I think it's more than that. Cry, when was the last time you had your period?"
    I began to shake on the spot. I shook my head back and forth. "No, you're not suggesting that. Don't you ever suggest that!" I screamed, and ran to my bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and leaned up against it. Tears were streaming down my face as I held my knees tightly to my chest, and rocked back and forth.
    Pregnant? Again? How could I have missed all of the symptoms? I really was getting worse. I was ignoring everything that could possibly be even remotely unpleasant. The sad thing about it all was, this time it was even more my fault than the time before. And I wasn't sure that I could put myself through another abortion.
    I was scared to death as I sat there. Everything around me physically was silent; I was physically deaf with the shock of what had happened, what I'd allowed to happen. But inside was a raging turmoil of screams and laughter. I was screaming from the agony of the last time, and I was laughing because I could be so stupid as to let it all happen again.
    Something snapped in me then, and I was never the same again. Suddenly, I wasn't pregnant anymore, and everything was wonderful again. I felt safe and cosy, like a small child. Then I came back to the room, and the turmoil disappeared. I heard Felicity pounding on the door, demanding that it be opened.
    I stood up slowly, brushed myself off and opened the door to her. She seemed as if she wanted to yell at me, though I couldn't fathom why she'd want to do that. I'd done nothing wrong. "What's wrong, Felicity? Did I do something bad?" I asked, not understanding the anger I saw in her eyes.
    Suddenly, I saw something click somewhere behind her eyes, and worry replaced the anger. "Cry? Are you alright?"
    "Yes, of course I am. What did you need again? I know that you sent me to my bedroom for something. I just can't remember what." Suddenly memories of Felicity and myself playing as children came to mind. Yet we hadn't had a childhood together. I made up everything that was coming to mind, and I wasn't even realising it.
    "Nothing, sweetie, just forget it. I already found what I needed. Now, I made a doctor's appointment for you. Are you ready to go?" She was so good to me as she put her arm around my shoulders.
    I nodded. "Yes, I'm ready, Felicity."
    As I walked down the hall with her, I could swear that I heard her mumble, "I'm not sure that I am." But I didn't say anything. I simply followed her out to the car and got in.
    When we got to the doctor's office I sat nervously, waiting as Felicity spoke with the receptionist. The receptionist's eyes widened, and she kept looking at me. Finally, she nodded and smiled her understanding, and went back into the office behind the window and desk.
    "The doctor will see you now, Cry," the receptionist came out and said just minutes later. She weighed me and took my blood pressure, asked me questions that I could hardly answer and then left the room.
    "What am I seeing the doctor for, Felicity?" I couldn't remember if she'd told me or not.
    "Well, he is going to look at your body, so you have to get naked and put these on." She handed me a piece of paper in the shape of a vest, and a longer piece of paper to wrap around my waist.
    My eyes widened. "Oh, no, Felicity! Getting naked is bad. I don't want to be a bad girl," I exclaimed.
    "Well, if you'd thought like that before, you wouldn't be here."
    I looked at her confused, but the doctor made his entrance just as I was about to ask what she meant. "Hello, Cry. I'm Dr Mazden. I'm going to look inside of you and do some tests to see if you have a little baby growing inside of you." He shook my hand politely, but I was still shocked by his words. "Please, strip down and put those things on there."
    He waited patiently as I stripped down to nothing. "A baby? But how can a baby be growing inside of me?"
    He looked at Felicity, who I saw shake her head. He simply shrugged his shoulders. "Well, sometimes these things just happen. Now just lie back and relax."
    I was so glad when he was finished. His fingers poking and prodding had been almost unbearable. He had caused me pain, and had even made me cry. Felicity had snapped at me, but he promised her that sometimes girls just couldn't handle pain.
    When Felicity and I left, I didn't know what was going on. I'd got poked at with a needle to take my blood, and a man I didn't know had touched and looked at my most intimate places. It was enough to wear me out. I didn't ask any questions as we went home. I simply fell asleep, wanting to escape from what had happened to me. I felt so violated.
    That night as I lay sleeping in my bed, I awoke to the sound of yelling. I sat up, listening closely to the voices. It was Eddie and Felicity.
    "She is pregnant, Eddie! And it is your fault. You are such a fool!" I heard Felicity yell.
    "I'm sorry, Felicity. I'll do what I can," he promised, his voice whining. "That is all I can do."
    "I don't want you to do anything. I plan on doing everything for that child. I want you to merely pretend that it's not yours or hers." With that, the voices disappeared.
    But they left me to thinking. What had they been talking about? I loved my brother and sister dearly. I couldn't understand why they would be fighting. Better yet, I couldn't remember much of anything past today when I had woken in my room right before the doctor's visit. I could remember being a child with my siblings, but I couldn't remember the day before.
    Scared, I curled back up in my bed and shut my eyes tightly. I wanted everything to just go away. I wanted to feel safe again. But I wasn't sure that I would ever be safe again.

Melancholy Dreams Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

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