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| INSIDE THE MIND OF AN ABUSER |
| How can I know in the early stages that someone could be an abuser? What are the signs? If only I had known the answers in the beginning, I could have saved myself alot of pain and heartache. But, I didn't know. Now I do. If you read nothing on this site...I hope you will take the time to read this. To study it. Even if you are not in an abusive relationship. Someone you know....might be. |
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| Believe it or not.....you can almost always tell if someone has the potential to be an abuser, by the first or second date. Carefully read the warning signs I am about to give to you. If you recognize one or more of these signs...take a sharp step back and ask yourself if you really want to be involved with this person. Is it really worth it....to take that chance???? |
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| Watch his defenses.... Does he blame every mistake of his, every failure, every mishap, on others? Or the world as a whole? Watch him/her for signs that they do not take personal responsibility. Listen closely to the conversation you have with that person. Do you see them putting blame on ....the cab driver, the weather, the waitress, or even you, for faulty things that might go wrong on your date? Is he hypersensitive? ...... Does he seem to feel constantly slighted, injured, or insulted, at things you might say? Does he seem to pick fights with those around him? Does he express negative feelings towards those that he deems weaker then him....such as the elderly, children, animals, the poor, or the disabled? Is he too eager?? ....... Does he immediately cast you into the role of "the love of his life?" If after only a few dates he suddenly starts making comments such as "When we get married.." or "When we have children..." or "When we get hitched, I want you to quit your job".....then listen up people....that is one HUGE RED FLAG!!! If he starts pressing you for exclusive, instant, intimacy and acts jealous when you so much as cast a glance at the opposite sex......RUN!!! Does he ignore your wishes? ..... If you sit down with this person to eat and you suddenly find them ordering for you off the menu without asking you what you would like...this is a display of the controlling power they feel they have. It is also a display of how he looks at you. He is already showing you that he sees you as an object. He doesn't know you well enough to know what you want off of that menu. Does he respect your boundries or privacy? ...... For instance...does he show up at your doorstep unexpectedly or call you constantly prior to a date? And when he is waiting on you to finish getting ready for that date.....does he go through your personal belongings while waiting? Does he try to control everything? .... For instance does he insist on riding in his car, holding onto "everything"...including your purse? Does he appear to disapprove if you are gone too long, when you go to the bathroom? Does he interrogate you when you return? Or make crude remarks? Does he make hints that he thinks a couple in a relationship should do everything together at all times? Even such things as going to see family or friends? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations of you? .... Does he devalue you by focusing on your "smallest" of faults and at the same time idolize you by exaggerating your talents or skills? Many times an abuser will have a love/hate relationship going on inside their mind, concerning you. They look down on you.....and up to you.....but never ever really seeing you clearly, in either. Does he tell you constantly that you make him feel good? ...... Don't be impressed. We all have told someone in our life how good we feel when we are with them. An abuser will show you very early on ..that they see you as responsible for how they feel. Pretty soon he will be telling you that "you make him feel bad.". Or that you make him feel violent or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is one of the phrases that an abuser says alot. Does he find "sadistic" sex exciting? ..... Does he have fantasies of rape? Or of sex with children? Is he too forceful with you during sex? Does he hurt you physically and find it funny? Does he force you to do things you do not want to do.....just because it is what he wants? |
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| If you have answered "yes" to any of the above questions....stay away. There is a good chance that person is an abuser. No matter how sweet they try to appear. The simple fact is ... "No one can blame their own actions upon someone else." If someone does something that is wrong ..no matter how big, or how small....they can not ever justify it by saying they did it because of "you" |
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