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"The Road to Retirement City"
A 1998-99 Stock Market Analogy, by T.Whitman
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The Original Chapter: The Road To Retirement City: Chapter 1
Chapter 2: The Road To Retirement City: Chapter 2
Chapter 3: The Road To Retirement City: Chapter 3
The Road to Retirement City
(Chapter 4)
The three remaining Pedestrians watch as TW speeds past in the 'Gold' truck. MK
turns to the others. "Well, we gonna just sit here, or walk?"
"Let's move it, and maybe we can make it to the next 'cash' overpass before the
back end of 'Hurricane Impeachment' gets here," JK answers.
"Hey DC, why don't we cash in that 'Intel' cab voucher of yours?" MK questions.
"I Dunno, It's not very much. It won't take us too far- besides, I'm saving
it," DC says.
"It's gonna start losing it's value, the closer we get to Recessionville, man,"
MK blurts, "You know it could end up being almost worthless once we get there."
"I don't think so, but who knows for sure," DC snaps back.
The pedestrians plod along as the vehicles whiz past. JK gets a puzzled look on
his face. "You know, I think there's been more cars going the wrong way down
this road than there are going the right way to Retirement City. Whuzzup with
that, anyway?"
"Yeah," MK answers, "I noticed that too. TW said that the traffic has actually
been heavier going the wrong way for quite a while now. People just don't
realize it because the vehicles have been smaller."
"What's that place up ahead?" DC said. "Looks like a Tavern or something."
A few hundred yards up the road, a purple neon sign lights up the night. As the
pedestrians draw closer, they see that it reads "Bear's Den Lounge". The
parking lot is huge, but only a handful of cars populate it.
"I'm hungry, man. Think they got anything to eat in there?" MK states.
"I dunno, but I could sure go for a drink," JK comes back. "Let's check it
out."
The trio walk towards the front door of the tavern.
Well on up the highway, Abby C. and Joey B. are still tooling along in their
P/E-32 sports car. They drunkenly sing along with the radio. "Weeeee are the
Champ-yuns, my free-und, and weeee-ll keep on fie-tin, till thee end...."
Joey reaches behind the seat for another shot of High P/E Whiskey.
"You bettrr s-s-slow down on that stuff," Abby lectures. "We s-s-still gotta
long way to go."
Abby looks up, and fumbles to hit the brakes as the traffic ahead of them comes
to a halt.
"D*mn it, what the h*ll is the problem now?" Joey screams.
Just ahead, a 'Brazil Nut' truck is on fire. 'Greenspan Wrecker' service is
there, but can do nothing to put out the fire. Drunks in the vehicles get out
of their seats, and begin yelling at the wrecker driver to do something.
The wrecker driver raises his hands to quiet the crowd, and he speaks. "This
transportation conveyance is suffering from a temperature overload. We must
wait for the extinguishment vehicle to vector in from it's habitation.
Unfortunately, it is not in the immediate vicinity, and it will require a
infinitesimal amount of time units to progress to this location."
"What the h*ll language is he speakin'?" Says a young woman to Abby C.
"Oh, I th-th-think that's 'Greenspeak'. I've got a pocket translator in the
car," Abby answers. She reaches in the glove box, pulls out the translator, and
types in the driver's words. The answer appears. "He said: The fire truck will
be here in a little while."
The drunks are not pleased by this, and start to become restless. A mob of
angry drunks begin rocking the wrecker back and forth and demanding action.
"MOVE THE TRUCK- MOVE THE TRUCK- MOVE THE TRUCK."
The massive 'Nasdaq 100' bus suddenly drives up the shoulder and heads towards
the flaming truck. To everyone's astonishment, it rams the flaming 'Brazil Nut'
truck off the road. The bus shudders a moment, belches out a cloud of thick
smoke, and accelerates up the road.
The crowd of drunks lets out a cheer, then they rush back to their vehicles.
They drive on, leaving the 'Brazil Nut' truck to burn, alone in the ditch.
Just a half mile ahead, the 'Margin' cops have pulled several 'Internut' cars
over, and were ticketing them for reckless driving. Abby slows down to let Joey
gawk, then hits the accelerator.
Back at the Bear Den Tavern, the trio of pedestrians shuffle into a dimly lit
barroom. The regulars hardly notice them. MK and DC grab a table near the door,
while JK walks straight towards the bar on the right.
A waiter comes to the table. "Hello folks, I'm AR. Welcome to Land of Bears and
Beers." He hands them a menu, and says, "Thirsty?"
At the bar, JK waves down the bartender, a gruff looking fellow with 'Myth!'
stenciled on his T-shirt.
"What's yer poison?" He growls at JK.
"Whatta ya got on tap?" JK asks, "Got any IPO Beer?"
"NO WAY man. We don't handle that dog p*ss here." The bartender replies. "Only
beers we got on tap are 'Silver' Label and 'Money Market' light. We got lots of
hard stuff tho'."
"Just a mug of 'light' for now," JK replies. He scans the bar. A group is
shooting pool in the back, and several more are congregated around a table at
the far end of the bar. Occasionally he sees one slam down a shot glass full of
a dark substance.
The bartender approaches with JK's beer. "That'll be 2 clams," he says.
"Two clams!" JK blurts. "They were only one back down the road a couple of
miles."
"Inflation." The bartender mutters, snaps the 5 off the bar, and makes change.
"What's that brown stuff those guys down there are drinkin'?" JK asks the
barkeep.
"They're drinkin 'Semicon Put' liquor. I warn em' not to do it, but they keep
drinkin em' just the same," the barkeep replies.
JK walks back to the table where the other two sat down with his mug. "You guys
ever hear of 'Semicon Put' liquor?"
"Oh yeah," MK says. "I've tried that before. It gave me a nasty hangover. Not
bad though, if you don't drink too many. They say that there's special minerals
in em' that help you maintain course in Recessionville."
AR returns with two 'Money Market light' beers for MK and DC. "You guys want
something from the kitchen? Today's special is 'Greenspam' on rye, with a side
of Cole's law.
"What's 'Cole's law?" JK asks.
"Thinly sliced cabbage with mayo, hehehe, GOTCHA, "the waiter answers.
"I recommend the thunder-chicken," a patron butts in, "It's finger-lickin'."
"Um, I'll just have a 'T-Bill' burger and fries," MK says.
JK and DC order 'T-Bill' burgers too, being leery of the Greenspam on rye. The
waiter quickly walks to the kitchen on the left side of the tavern.
"That bartender sure is strange, man. He had 'Myth!' in huge letters across his
shirt. I wonder what that's about?" JK whispers.
"Why don't you ask the waiter," DC says.
MK wanders back to the billiards table and slaps two quarters down on the rail.
There are several men lounging around the table and jawing. One speaks to MK.
"You guys heading for Retirement City?"
"Yup," MK replies, "We've been walking for quite a ways now. How much further
is it to Recessionville?"
"Shhh, "the man says,"Don't let the bartender hear you talk about that place.
He'll be cutting you off."
"What? Why's that?" MK says.
"He always says that Recessionville is a myth, and it doesn't exist anymore.
Of course we all know better, and so does he - he just gets a little touchy
about it," the man replies.
"Thanks, that explains the 'Myth' on his shirt. Names' MK." MK extends his
hand.
"Nice to meet ya, I'm Frozen Fish. My playing partner over there is Luke. He
jabbers a lot about bloated pig cars and such, some folks think he's crazy, but
he makes a lot of sense sometimes too."
JK and DC walk over to the billiard room. MK sees them coming, and says to
Frozen Fish, "These are my travelin buds DC and JK. We had another one with us,
TW, but he jumped in a 'Gold' truck just a little while ago.
"TW, hmmm, that rings a bell," Frozen Fish says. He's hung out in here before.
He was jabberin on about the hurricane and the 'transport' clouds, and how
tough things were gonna be for the drunks up the road."
"Yep, that's him," DC chuckles. "Say, who's that guy over there passing out
shots to people?"
"That's MB, the king of the one liners. He's an old Highway Trucker. He serves
up the 'put' liquor. Tries to keep the fellows from 'painting their shoes', if
you catch my drift," Fish replies.
Suddenly LT starts into an oratory. "Bond cars are crashin! The highway's gonna
be littered with crashing, bloated pig tech stock cars!"
The bartender looks up and yells at LT, "Cut that sh*t out, or I'm gonna come
back there!"
Back on the Highway, Abby C. and Joey B. are tooling on down the road, though
at a little slower pace. They see the Nasdaq 100 bus up ahead hit it's brakes
and stop. It's back up lights come on, and the gigantic bus begins to back up
the highway. Several passengers apparently are sober enough to jump from the
bus as it starts to reverse course.
"Whoaa!" Joey thunders. "L-L-Look at all those idiots Jumpin' off da bus."
Abby gets a strange feeling in her bladder. "Jeez, don't they r-rrealize that
we're on the road too. Somebody better g-g-get them turned around b-for they
take out a bunch of us."
"Holy Sh*t," Joey screams , "Where's the PPT when ya need em?"
Back at the Bear Den Lounge, the trio of pedestrians are dining on their
burgers, and discussing the plan. JK speaks first. You think TW made it to the
'Big Decision' Truck Stop?"
"I dunno, I guess we could call up there and see," MK replies. "Gotta quarter?"
"Yep, here ya go, " JK flips him a quarter.
MK walks up to the bar and questions the bartender. "You got a pay phone in
here?"
"Next to the toilet, 35 cents," the barkeep replies.
"35 cents! I thought inflation was 'cured'." MK says.
"That's a MYTH! That's what the government wants you to think," the bartender
replies. "Mike down there will tell ya.. Those surveys they do are all BS."
"Huh, I never knew," MK replies. "Well I guess I'll need change for a buck
then."
While MK makes the call, JK and DC chat about the road ahead.
"You want to catch one of those 'Gold trucks, man?" JK asks.
"Naw, think I'll just wait till we get to Recessionville, and grab a S&P bus."
DC replies. "Those Gold Trucks haven't fared too well lately."
"That's the paradox though on bull market highway," JK says. "TW told me that
the longer a vehicle has been stopped, the more likely it is to perform well
for the long haul. He said 'Gold' based vehicles will rock the Inflationary
road."
"Sorry, JK, I don't buy it. Inflationary road is a piece of cake these days,"
DC answers.
MK comes back to the table with news. "Did you guys know that the government
rigs the Inflationary index? Oh, yeah, and TW made it to the Truck Stop."
"You're kiddin', I figured the wheels would fall off that truck with all that
turning around it was doin," DC chuckles.
"TW said that he had to get out of the truck once, but it was a fast ride once
they got goin' the right direction. Said he's gonna get some grub and a quick
nap, and he'll wait for us a little while- but not for too long."
Frozen Fish shuffles up to the table. "Hey guys, We're taking off up the road
in the "Put-mobile, You wanna Join us?"
Will our trio of pedestrians take a ride in the Put-mobile? Will TW catch
another 'Gold' Truck before they arrive? Will Abbey and Joey be Steamrolled by
the Nasdaq 100 bus? Stay tuned to your favorite financial news outlet for
clues.
To be continued...
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On to Chapter 5: The Road To Retirement City: Chapter 5
©1999 M.T. Whitman
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