Stanley Stapler

Okay. Every year I have to have some class where I can mess around and be weird, and the teachers won't be terribly scared, they'll just roll their eyes and tolerate me. In sixth grade, it was my English class. I was one of the 3 smartest kids in the class (I'm not bragging, I just happened to have landed in the moron class, or something. he he), and the other two were my best friends.

Since we were always on task and working while we were being total morons, the teacher let us get away with it. (For the last quarter of the year, we were all in the front row of the class right next to each other...perfect for whispering demented comments to each other without being too obvious.)

During one class I was wearing this really tacky ring with a HUGE plastic jewel and Rachel (One of my friends) was saying that it was my engagement ring, and asking who I was engaged to. Naturally, being me, instead of naming an actual person I told her it was the dishwasher.

However, my relationship with Dishwasher did not last. Soon after we married, he dumped me for the oven, whom he thought was hot (get it?!?! *giggles*).

Even though I was still hurting over Dishwasher's unfaithfulness, the following year in the 7th grade I fell for Bob the whiteboard, who lived in the theatre arts room. Ours was a loving relationship (lol every morning I would come in for class and give him a big 'ol hug before I sat down...have you ever tried to hug a wall?? not easy! he he) and we were deep in love.

But, like before, this was not destined to continue. He died in a horrible accident (stupid air conditioner installation dudes! They knocked him over!) soon before I moved away in the middle of the year.

I was traumatized and determined to never fall in love again. It brought me only sorrow in the long run, I thought.

But, love works in mysterious ways and by the middle of this year, it had found me again. I think perhaps he loved me from the very beginning, but I was too blinded by sorrow to see. At any rate, the stapler in Miss Gump's science room found me, and we began going steady.

(Every single class I would walk up to her desk, pick up the stapler, give it a hug, and talk to it. Sometimes we just chatted, and sometimes I told him how much I loved him. In the beginning, I was just doing it to scare my friend Makinzie, but then when I discovered that everybody who witnessed it thought I was completely out of my mind and gave me the weirdest looks, I knew I had to continue it on a daily basis. After a while, the teacher and several other students were playing along with me, and some morons tried to talk me out of it because they thought I was actually convinced that the stapler was a living being. LOL!! That was the most fun of all! :) It really scared them when I started calling him by name-Stanley. It just went right over their heads that I was only kidding--can't they take a joke? he he--and it became somewhat difficult to keep a straight face while arguing with them that Stanley was real. Anyway. Back to our tale!)

I was reluctant to begin another serious relationship, but the love Stanley and I shared soon became too strong to ignore, and I began giving voice to my creative talents and displaying my love by writing little songs and such. One example was a heartfelt parody of "Lollipop", by the Chordettes. (I think!)

Parody of Lollipop, by Jesse Gordon.

(CHORUS)

Sta- ple-er (space out the syllables to make it fit)
stapler, oh staple, stapler
Stapler, stapler oh staple stapler
Stapler stapler oh staple stapler,
Sta ple er! --da dum dum dum--

Call my baby Stapler,

Tell ya why,
That's what he is and that's no lie,
We like to staple 'til we can't see straight,
Gee my stapler is great.

I call him..

(Chorus)

Better than paperclips or tape,
Hole punchers and folders are sli-ime
If'in (remember...I'm in Oregon!) he was free he'd
be your pick,
but Stapler is mi yi yi yine

(Chorus)

(Usually I would peter out about here, making this the end of the song even though there's supposed to be another verse. We were singing this song in choir, so I was excruciatingly familiar with the song.)

With such elegant wooing on my part, and the gentle encouragement on Stanley's part, we got engaged during the last few weeks at school.

My science teacher told me (Being complete nerds afraid to journey into the worlds of our peers, two of my friends and I always hung out with her after school, distracting her while she tried to do trivial unimportant things such as grades, and just generally being our natural weird selves. Teacher included! --Random thought...it's stupid how some teachers think that they shouldn't be like friends with their students. That's only applicable as a discipline thing, and the kids who have discipline problems don't want to hang around with the teacher, for gosh sakes!-- I'm wandering again. Back on track. Someone had broken the stapler past repair. That's all I really meant to say. LOL!!!) That I was going to be the recipient of one of her joke awards.

So, like the charming, wonderful suitor I am, I asked her for Stanley's hand in marriage. (Actually I said that she should give me the stapler because it was busted anyway, but whatever)

To end this beautiful tale, I shall tell you the end of this beautiful tale.

After presenting me with the award, she gave me first the Hawaiian shirt, which was great, and then gave me Stanley, saying that he would have a better home with me.

Stanley and I were wed that very day, much to the bewilderment of the preppies, who STILL didn't that the whole thing was a joke.

~~The End~~

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Last updated: February 21, 2002.

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