A Headset Drama

A Headset Drama

Written April-June, 2004
by Kat Lai

Based loosely on personal experience. Please read the disclaimer before continuing.

Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6

Cast
SM = Stage Manager aka Richard
SR = Assistant Stage Manager, Stage Right aka Jennifer
SL = Assistant Stage Manager, Stage Left aka Paul
LX = Lights Operator aka Heather
SQ = Sound Operator aka Phil

Scene 1: Pre-show banter

SR: Stage Right is on. Fifteen minute call has been given.

SL: Heeeeeeello, Stage Right!

SR: Hey, Stage Left! I take it Richard's not in the booth yet?

SL: Nope. It's just me here on my own-some.

LX: And what am I up here? Chopped Liver?

SL: Heather! Didn't know you were there. Why'ncha say anything when I signed on?

LX: What, like I have nothing better to do than talk to you?

SL: Well, for the next 15 minutes, no you don't.

SR: Actually, it's more like 13 now.

SL: Oh, whatever. Fact is, I'm being ignored, and nobody likes me.

SR: Awwww... Is Paul gonna go sulk now?

SL: I already am.

LX: I'd weep for you, but I think I left my sympathy in my other coat.

SQ: Sound is on.

SR: Greetings, Phil!

SQ: Hey, Jen. What's this about your other coat, Heather?

LX: Oh, nothing. Paul is being a sook, that's all.

SL: I'm being a... what?

LX: Maritime expression for big, fat whiner.

SL: Unfair! I am NOT fat!

SQ: Oh! He's funny too! This is a change.

SM: Stage Manager in the hizzouse, boys and girls. Is everyone here?

SR: Stage Right is on.

SL: Stage Left is on.

SQ: Hey, Richard! Sound is very on.

LX: I'd say Lights is on, but a) you can see me, and b) that opens me up for bad jokes from Paul and Phil.

SQ: Aw, jilted, man, jilted.

SL: I feel so... deprived.

SM: Looks, guys, no smart remarks tonight, okay? I'm not in the mood right now. The director is giving me grief about the opening music AGAIN. When is the man going to stop changing things at the last minute?

SR: Around the same time he stops giving notes in the dressing rooms before a show, I guess.

SM: What? He's in the dressing rooms?

SR: He was when I gave the 15 minute call.

SM: Goddammit! He's not supposed to be anywhere near the actors this close to opening! Jen, make a note to remind me to talk to him after the show.

SR: Done.

SM: Oh, and it's 10 minutes now. Did you give the call?

SR: Will do that now. Stage Right is off.

SM: Damn director. And you know he came up to the booth ten minutes ago to change the sound sequence in Scene 5? I mean, at some point you have to let this go!

SQ: He what?

SL: Well, you know Michael. He always has to directing something.

LX: Yeah, after the show, he'll probably go out and direct traffic.

SL: Ooh! Burn!!!!

SR: Stage right is back on.

SQ: Richard, what did he change?

SR: Change? What change?

SM: The director. He swapped sound cue 9 and sound cue 13. Oh, and he said to bring up the volume of sound cue 20 a tad.

SQ: A "tad"? What the hell is a "tad"?? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? And at this point in the game?? And sound cue 9 and 13? Shit, what are they. Goddamnit...

SR: Phil? Phil, breathe!

SM: Look, just leave the sound level as is. We'll deal with it after the show. I wrote the 9 to 13 change on your cue sheet already, so you wouldn't have to think about it too much. Just remember the track numbers are different now.

SQ: Freaking Michael. What the hell did he have to go changing stuff for?

SL: It's his "vision". He must always follow his "vision".

SQ: Would help if his "vision" didn't change every fifteen freaking minutes.

SL: Easy there, big guy. I can hear the steam hissing out your ears from here.

LX: You should see his face.

SM: Well, from now on, Michael is officially not allowed anywhere near the booth or the dressing rooms. Got that? I am giving you guys full authority to kick him out. If he raises a stink about it, tell him to take it up with me.

LX: Ooh, I'd pay good money to see that.

SQ: Trust me. If he raises a stink with me, Richard won't have much of him left to deal with.

SR: Whoa there, Phil. Breathe! Big breaths now. Come on.

SL: Seriously, dude. I know it's annoying, but it's just a sound cue.

SQ: But on opening night! Like I don't have enough on my plate!

SR: Well, you know Laura? The props lady? She took a piece out of me a little while ago because I preset the wrong champagne glass. I mean, it's a freaking champagne glass! And the only difference between the two is that one is one inch shorter than the other one. Who's going to notice?

SL: If it's any consolation, she spent ten minutes walking me through how to lace a shoe for one of the set pieces. Like I failed kindergarten or something. Such is our lot, Jen. We get the shit when others are in a mood.

SR: Power trip is more like it. Oop! Five minute call coming up. Stage Right off.

SM: You know what I love about Jen?

SL: She's got such a hot bod?

LX: Greeeat, Paul. I smell a sexual harassment suit in your future.

SL: No, seriously. She is totally...

SM: Aaaaand, we're going to cut that rush of hormones short. Seriously though. The thing I love about Jen is that she does everything before I even remember to tell her.

SL: That could be taken so many ways.

SQ: Shut up, Paul.

SL: Well, it could! I mean...

LX: Seriously, Paul. Shut up.

SM: Yeah, you know, I wish I could say the same for you, Paul.

SL: Well, there ain't much I have to do over on Stage Left.

SM: Which is precisely why I put you there.

SQ: Bam! Richard: one, Paul: zero!

SR: Stage Right on. What did I miss?

LX: The chance to kick Paul's ass.

SR: Oh, I'll do it after the show. I'm sure he deserved it.

SL: What is this? Pick on Paul night?

SM: So it would appear. But you know you're asking for it. How are we doing for time?

SR: I've got 3 minutes.

SM: Okay, looks like Front of House is closing up. Jen, wanna go give places?

SR: I'm on it. Stage Right off.

SM: Okay, Lights and Sound, stand by.

LX: Standing by.

SQ: Ditto.

SM: Front of House has given me the thumbs up. Stage Left, are your actors in place yet?

SL: They're just coming in. I've got Helen, Tommy and Jonathan standing by.

SM: Excellent. Stage Right? ... Uh... Stage Right? Hello?

SR: (puffing) I'm back. I've got Jones and Jeannie standing by.

SM: Looks like we're set. Sound 1, go.
(music changes)
SM: House to half.

LX: Complete.

SM: Okay, sit down, people! Come on. God, I hate it when they decide to change seats at the last minute.

SL: You tell 'em, Rich.

SM: Shhhh! House out.

LX: Complete.

SM: Good. Lights 1 and Sound fade, stand by.

LX: Standing by.

SQ: Standing by.

SM: Are...

SL: Helen and Tommy have just left. Hold on. Okay, they're in place.

SM: Lights, go. Start to fade sound.... now. Great. Here we go. Silence on the sets, please. I need to hear this.
Continue to Scene Two

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