A Headset Drama

A Headset Drama

Written April-June, 2004
by Kat Lai

Based loosely on personal experience. Please read the disclaimer before continuing.

Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6

Scene 4: Act II Hell

SL: Stage Left is back and ready to roll.

LX: Welcome, Paul! Phil and I are figuring out what a six letter word for "talkative" is.

SQ: Yep. Our first guess was "Paul", but that didn't fit.

SL: Oh, ha, ha, ha.

SM: Okay. We're five minutes to Act II, people. Who all is here?

SL: Stage Left is on.

LX: Lights!

SQ: Sound here!

SM: Cool. We just need to get FOH and Jen, and we're golden.

LX: So how'd it go with Lisa and His Royal Majes-dick?

SM: Well, I got waylaid by Michael on the way to the dressing rooms. It took everything I had not to let him in there. I mean, god! The man has done shows before, he should know that is not kosher.

SL: Did he take your head off?

SM: Yep. For the lighting offense and for strong arming him away from the stage door. Lisa was a sweetheart though. It's amazing what just the right amount of grovelling can do.
SL: It's the same for any woman, Rich. Just butter her up and she's putty in your hands.

(Actors have been trickling into to the wings. Tommy, Jones and Lisa are on Stage Left. Lisa hears Paul's last line and whirls around, advancing on him.)

LX: Paul, don't make me come down there.

SL: *urk* No need. Lisa just heard me. Shit. I'm tied to the wall with this damn set and can't get away!

SQ: Rich, any stand-ins for Stage Left?

SM: None, I'm afraid. Paul, tell Lisa she can kill you after the run. We need you till then.

SL: You need me, Lisa! You need meeee! Mercy!

(Lisa shakes her head, laughing. Wags her finger at him and backs off whispering, "After the run, you are SO dead.")

SM: Okay, we're at two minutes now by the looks of it. Yep. FOH is closing the doors... Okay, we've got the thumbs up to go. Is everyone ready?

SL: Tommy, Jones and Lisa are standing by Stage Left.

SQ: Sound's hanging on your every breath.
LX: Lights are edging away from Sound slowly.

SM: And Stage Right? ... Jen? Hello? You there yet? (silence) Jen? Do you copy? Shit! Where the hell is she?

SL: I'll send someone to check.

(Paul beckons Lisa and points to Stage Right whispering. Lisa nods and goes stage right.)

SM: Crap. People are starting to turn and look at the booth. This is not good.

LX: Richard, relax. It'll be okay.

SM: Paul, any word yet?

SL: No, my runner's not back yet.

SM: Did you tell them to get Jen to get the hell on headset?

SL: Well, I didn't use those words exactly, but...
SM: God! What's going on back there?

SL: Look, everything's ready on my side. Why don't I go over there and see what's going on.

SM: No! I need you on set the minute we go up. Crap. Now Michael's looking up here. Where's your runner, Paul?

SL: Not back yet. And she should be. This is getting stupid. Where the hell is she?

SM: (flips pages) Well, the action starts on stage left anyways, right? And no one on stage right comes on for... 2-3 pages. Hell with it. Let's just start and pray things turn out.

SQ: Uh, we might want to verify that there are actors on stage right first.

SM: Well, we're five minutes late now as it is. The audience is starting to get antsy. Paul, call your cues then get your ass over to Stage Right and find out what's going on. Report back to me from there.

SL: Uh... Lisa was my runner. She's on Stage Right right now.

SM: WHAT? Well, get her back where she should be and report from Stage Right.

SL: Gotcha. Stage Left off.

(SL turns off his mike and runs to Stage Right.)

SM: What the hell was he thinking sending an actor as a runner? I mean, geez...

(SL reaches Stage Right, looks around frantically then runs out of sight, comes back with Lisa, talking quickly. She nods and runs back to Stage Left. SL puts on the Stage Right mike.)

SL: Paul on Stage Right. Lisa's gone back to Stage Left. Jonathan is standing by Stage Right. The actors should be ready in the count of ten.

SM: Right. Standby, everyone. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and, house to half and Sound 17, go.

(Lights dim and music begins to play.)

SM: House out, go.

SL: Lisa and Tommy are... in position. I'm going to find out what's going on. Stage Right off.
(SL turns off the mike and runs off.)

SM: Lights 13, go. God, I hope the others are ready in time.

(Action begins onstage. After a few lines, Jonathan goes on Stage Right. SL comes back on headset Stage Right.)

SL: Paul back on Stage Right. One of the actresses wasn't dressed.

SM: WHAT? Didn't Jen call places?

SL: She did, but there was a snag with the corset. Someone laced it wrong or something. Jen got roped into helping, and so was Lisa before I dragged her away.

SM: Shit. Which actress?

SL: Helen.
SM: Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck. She's on shortly. Is she ready yet? How close are they?

(Helen, Jen and Jeannie rush on. Jeannie tying the remainder of corset as they come. Much panicked and angry whispering.

SL: Oh, here they are. Helen's looking none too pleased.

(Helen shoots Paul a dirty look as she rushes to wings, collects herself, waits for her cue and goes onstage.)

SM: Well, she should be more on the ball with costume changes. That and NOT roping in my ASM so the rest of us know what's going on? I mean, fuck, fifteen minutes isn't enough time for a change?

SL: I'm staying the hell out of this one. Here comes Jen. I'm going back Stage Left.

(SL takes off headset and gives it to SR. He jogs back to Stage Left.)

SM: Thanks, Paul.

SR: You started without us?

SM: Sorry, Jen. We probably shouldn't have, but I had to do something. The audience was starting to get a little restless, and Michael... I wish someone could have told me what the hell was going on.

SR: The dresser didn't come back, and no one backstage knows how to ace a goddamn corset.

SM: Oh, God!
SL: Stage Left is back. Anyone know where we are?

SM: Uh.. fuck. Lemme check. Anyone who doesn't know the answer shut up for a bit.

(Action continues onstage.)

SR: Sounds like the brother and sister spat on page 85.

SM: Yep! Cool.

LX: Good thing there's no cues for about five pages at the beginning of Act II.

SQ: Totally.

SM: Okay, crisis averted. Jen, make a note about the dresser please. And maybe plan a backup in case this happens again. Thanks for all your help, guys. Especially you, Paul.

SL: No problem.

SR: I'll make the note, and promise to be on headset at the beginning of Act II from now on.

SM: Thanks. Okay, everyone off mike now. Let's concentrate here. Lights 14, standby.

LX: Standing by, Cap'n.

(Silence on headsets as action continues onstage.)
Continue to Scene Five.

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