Everyone has been walking on eggshells, trying to ease my pain in some little way, but they can't.  That's why I needed to get away and come here.  Time alone to think and be with you.  The memories of you is the only thing holding me to this world, although I know you'd want me to heal and move on, but there is something stopping me from doing that.  A feeling that you're still out there somewhere waiting and pleading for me to find you.  The others think I'm mad, intoxicated on grief, but I can't shake that feeling.

Warren offered his jet, telling me I could go wherever I wanted.   It was what I needed and I gladly took him up the offer.  He and Betsy are supposed to be coming here tomorrow, to check up on me I guess.  See if I have lost my mind yet.  Thankfully the Professor will not join them.  I can't bear to face him for the fear of what words may escape my lips.  I know what happened was not his fault, but you and I left that life behind not so long ago, only to be pulled back into it by him.  I hate him, Scott, I do.  How is it possibly you can suddenly hate a man you always admired and loved?  Isn't it funny that the man who brought us together all those years ago would be the same man responsible for us being apart.

Remember when we fist met at the school all those years ago?  It seems like another life time, I was a child, trying to deal with things I had no understanding of and hoping it would all just go away.  Then there was you, the only one who paid me no attention.  It irritated me to no end.  I guess that's why I was so drawn to you, and as my feelings for you continued to grow and become deeper you continued to remain distant.  I was so frustrated.  All I kept wanting to do was reach into your mind and find out what you were thinking, if you had even the slightest bit of feelings for me.  Had I been more forceful back then, perhaps we would have had more time together. Instead I waited, and waited, hoping you'd come to me and express all the same feeling I felt for you.

It finally happened, although not necessary the way I had imagined it, but it happened.  I felt relief.  After all the time I had spent longing for you, hopping you would step from the shadows and bare your soul, you did.  This along with feeling your lips gently touch mine for the first time was more than I could take. I felt so silly, but I truly needed to sit.  So many feeling, both my own and yours, rushed through me when we kissed, I was overwhelmed, but I knew right then and there you were the only man I would ever truly love.  I was right.  There will be no others, my heart will always belong to just you.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the dreams we had made, and promised each other we'd keep.  We'd grow old together, leaving the X-Men behind and starting a life on our own someday.  We'd find a little piece of land somewhere, get settled in and find some type of work.  Then when things were finally settled, start a family.  Children with whom we could spend our lives raising and watching grow.  This time we'd get the opportunity to raise our children and be a part of their whole lives, something you weren't able to do with Nathan.

All those dreams are now just that, something which can never be realized because you…  Why was it always you, Scott?  Why did you always have to be the one to make the sacrifice?  Why did you have to put everything and everyone else ahead of yourself and ultimately us?   Of course I know the answer to all these questions, it's why the Professor choose you as leader, and one of the many reasons I love you so dearly.  You pushed everyone so hard physically and mentally, I wonder how many really understood why you did that?  How you were always worried you hadn't pushed them hard enough when we would start each new mission?  And how you were scared that it would cost someone or the team their lives?

Warren I think understood that.  At your memorial he talked about how you earned the role of field leader and  with that role came great responsibility.  There was no other man, past or present, who would be able to lead like you have.  Even in the most trying of times, your concentration was always on the welfare and safety of the team.  Always thinking at least two steps ahead, and always pushing the team to their breaking point so they'd be stronger.  His words were so filled with emotion, and undeniable respect for you.  He loved you.  You are a part of his family, and loosing you has caused him great despair.  I wish there was something I could do for him, but I can't.  I don't have the strength or the belief that everything will be all right, cause it won't.  Warren will be ok though.  He's strong and knows you would want him to finally be happy after all hell he has been put through.

Your memorial was hard. All the thoughts of our friends and family kept seeping into my mind, I couldn't get them out no matter how hard I tried.  I wanted to scream or just run as far away as I could, but I stayed.  I stayed and endured.  You are so loved by all of them and they miss you so much.  They're worried about me, afraid of what I may do, or how I will be able to survive without you.  Frankly I don't know if it is possible.

Nathan was at the service as well.  He's the only one who seems to get what I am going though, but he is you son.  I told him about that feeling I had, about you being out there somewhere, waiting for me to find you.  He said it was possible, and I shouldn't ignore those feelings.  He was also careful to remind me I had just suffered a terrible loss and maybe I was trying to cling onto some non-existent hope.  He's right of course, but what am I going to do?  I am glad he is here.  I feel there is a piece of you with me on this earth.  I can see you when I look at him, and I hear you when he speaks, it is the only joy I seem to have these days.  Yet I have even cut him out of my life for right now.  I hope he'll stay a while, so I can get to know him better.  I couldn't stand to say good bye to him now, not so soon after saying good bye to you.

But I haven't said goodbye, have I.  I've said everything but goodbye.  And I can't… or won't.  To do that would mean I would have to admit your not coming back and that I am never going to feel you touch, taste your lips, or hear you say you love me. How can that possibly be?  You promised me you would always be there when I needed you, well I need you now Scott.  If ever there was a time when I needed you it's now.  I have barely slept since that horrific day.  When I do, all I dream of is losing you, and I can't relive that moment anymore.  It just hurts so bad.  I wake up thinking it is just a horrible nightmare.  That it couldn't have happened, you couldn't be gone, but my world comes crashing in on me when I reach out for you and you're not there beside me.

So what am I to do?  Am I just to pick up the pieces of my of this shattered life and trudge on?  Try to build a brand new life and find someone else to love, and share all the good and bad times with?  Allow you to become a piece of my past instead of key to the future you were destined to be? How?  You are the air I need to breath, the water I need to drink and the man I need to love.  Anything without you is impossible and you know it.  You knew it when you pushed Nate out of the way.

Thinking of that day, I remember watching in horror as you disappeared from my life.  Staring in disbelief at spot you had just stood, a thousand thoughts and feelings raced through me, but the only thing that didn't was something we had always shared.  I didn't feel you anymore.  Our connection was gone, or so I thought.  Now things keep happening which makes me think perhaps I was wrong.  Perhaps I let you down.  Perhaps I gave up on you too quickly, but there was nothing there Scott.  I didn't feel anything from you, the only thing I did feel was this tremendous void that continued to grow within me.  I didn't give up you, I swear it, I never will.  But you just weren't there.

I refused to leave, afraid that when you came back I wouldn't be there.  But they told me you were gone, there was nothing to wait for.  I refused to believe them.  I fought as hard as I could, but in the end I had nothing left to fight with.  The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave you behind in that place.  I wonder now if it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.  Are you out there somewhere, Scott?  Or do our friend's fears have merit?  Am I losing my mind?

I love you Scott, I will forever.

And I won't let you down.  Somehow I will keep on going making it through each dreadful day until God sees fit to reunite us again.  I don't know how, but I'll do it.  I won't betray you by giving up on my life, you would never want that.  Oh God it is so hard to wake up each day, and realize your not there.  There is nothing left to look forward to, or come home to.  Everything is gone.  Everything ceased to exist when you made the decision to sacrifice everything we had spent our lives trying to build.  Yet I can't hate you for making that decision even though I know you'd still make the some one if you were given a second chance.  You saved us all from something I can't even begin to fathom.  You fulfilled your destiny, but I had always though that destiny was with me.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

Night has fallen, it's darkness echo's my soul.  I feel sleep coming for me, but I can't give into it.    I can't survive those nightmares again, I barely did the last time.  If only I could dream of you in the happy times of our life.  Like you holding Nathan as a child, or on our wedding day.  If it was only those memories that played in my mind instead of all the horror I have had to live with, then I could rest.

The End