I wake up the next morning (but am I really awake? who knows?) and my scars hurt. Again. Which is annoying. If Muraki isn’t around, I wish they would quit that. Much to my surprise, Tsuzuki is gone. Akimiya is asleep in the chair beside the bed again. (But is he really asleep? Or is he awake and watching me dream that he’s asleep?)

“Ohayo, kid,” Watari says, coming in and plunking some breakfast down in front of me. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired still,” I admit. (Is that a good sign? Does it mean I’m not dreaming?) I start eating the food automatically. “Where’s Tsuzuki?” I didn’t mean to ask that. The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Watari gives me an understanding little smile. “Konoe-kachou wanted to talk to him. I don’t know what about. But he’ll probably be back shortly.”

“Okay.”

Watari bustles off. I pick at my breakfast. Akimiya starts to snore.

Tsuzuki comes in a few minutes later, walks right by me without noticing I’m awake, and goes in to talk to Watari. There’s a pause. I hear slightly raised voices, but I can’t make our what they’re saying. Tsuzuki is upset about something. I can’t feel it, but I can hear it in the tone of his voice.

Finally, the two of them come into the room. “How are you feeling, Hisoka?” Tsuzuki asks.

“Fine,” I say. “Just a little tired. What’s wrong?”

Tsuzuki and Watari glance at each other, and in that moment I know that they weren’t going to tell me unless I asked.

“What?” I ask. My voice rises a little. Akimiya blinks a few times, then opens his eyes completely and looks around, confused.

“What’s going on?” he mumbles.

“Ask them,” I reply, motioning at Tsuzuki and Watari.

They both look vaguely guilty.

Tsuzuki is the one who finally answers me. “I have to go out on assignment. Try to find some evidence in that house you were cursed in.”

I sit up straight. “That’s not fair. You’re not on field duty.”

“I know, but I’m the only one who can go. You have to stay here because of the curse. Akimiya has to stay with you to make sure you don’t try to die on us again.” Tsuzuki’s voice trembles on that note. I can tell that shook him badly; I’ll have to remember to talk to him about it later. “Watari is here researching the curse.”

“But Tatsumi-san -- ”

“Is needed in the office.”

“Wakaba and Terazuma, then.”

“On assignment already.”

“The Gushoshin.”

“Helping Watari and watching the library.”

I take a deep breath and remind myself firmly that Tsuzuki probably isn’t any happier about this than I am. “But you can’t go,” I say. “It was a trap to lure you in. Muraki will -- ”

“Hisoka,” Akimiya interrupts me gently, “Muraki wasn’t there. Remember?”

I close my eyes. My hands are shaking a little. “Right,” I say. “Right. I’m sorry. It just seems so real.”

“We know. It’s okay.”

I take a few deep breaths to steady myself. “But . . . are you really okay to go out there by yourself?” I ask. Now it’s my voice that’s trembling.

He manages a wan smile. “I’ll be fine, Hisoka. I promise.”

“Okay,” I whisper. “Come back soon. Please.”

He leans over and kisses my forehead, which startles me quite a bit, and then leaves the room. Watari mumbles something about having work to do and hustles off.

“You okay?” Akimiya asks quietly.

I know I’m not. There’s this funny ache in my heart. If I have a nightmare . . . if things go wrong . . . he’s not here. He’s been the only constant in my existence over the past two years. I don’t like having him gone.

I slowly turn to Akimiya. “I’m not dreaming, am I.”

He shakes his head. “No, Hisoka. This isn’t a dream.”

“But how do I know it’s not a dream?” I know I sound like I’m about to cry. “How do I know you’re really not still asleep and this is the you in the dream, but I really am dreaming and you’re just saying I’m not dreaming, and -- ”

“Hisoka.” Akimiya’s voice is sharp, and it cuts through my mounting hysteria.

I stop.

“I will never be ‘the me in the dream,’” Akimiya says, his tone a little gentler. “If I’m in the dream at all, it’s the real me. Okay?”

“But how can I tell?” I ask.

“Because I linked myself into the curse,” Akimiya says. “When it pulls you in, it pulls me in as well. But the nightmare is still of your design.”

I blink at him. “You . . . did that for me?”

Akimiya shrugs. “It’s no trouble, really; once I get pulled in, I just find you and pull you out. Easier than trying to figure out when you’re dreaming and when you’re not.”

“But you might get trapped,” I protest.

“Trust me, I was very careful when I tapped into the curse,” Akimiya says dryly. “I really don’t want to chance that any more than you do.”

I relax a little. “Okay.”

“I’m sure Tsuzuki will be fine,” he says firmly. “He can take care of himself.”

I sigh. “You have no idea.”

~~~~

I wake up cold and disoriented. I’ve thrown my blankets off in my sleep. The chair next to my bed is empty. This makes me very nervous. Where would Akimiya have gone? He’s supposed to stay with me all the time. I can hear voices, but none of them are his. They sound like Watari and Tatsumi-san. I strain my ears to hear them.

“ . . . think we ought to tell him.”

“No. He’s having enough trouble right now. That curse . . .”

They lower their voices, and for a minute I can’t hear them. Then it comes back.

“He’ll know something is wrong. He’s an empath, for crying out loud.”

“Exactly. He’s not good at reading facial expressions because he relies on his empathy. And Sakamoto-san blocks his empathy.”

Pause.

“ . . . I suppose. But it still doesn’t seem right.”

I’ll put them out of their misery. I get out of bed, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders, and walk in the direction of the voices.

Tatsumi and Watari are standing in the hallway. They both blink at me.

“So what exactly are you not going to tell me?” I ask. “And where’s Akimiya?”

“Akimiya-san had to go talk to Konoe-Kachou right quick,” Watari says with false cheer. “You should be in bed.”

“I know, but I got up because you two were obviously intending on keeping something from me. Now what’s going on?” I feel very calm. Kinda cold and detached.

They look at each other quickly. “We think you might have been right about Muraki,” Tatsumi-san finally says.

“I see,” I say. Quick, Hisoka, grab the wall before you fall over. That’s it. “And?”

Tatsumi-san takes a deep breath. “And Tsuzuki-san is missing.”

The world is going very pale. There’s a roaring noise in my ears, and it’s so loud that I think I’m going deaf. My knees are going weak. And I think I’m heading towards the ground. Interesting. I’ve never fainted before. I can feel an arm around my waist. I think Tatsumi-san caught me before I could hit the ground.

The next thing I know, I’m in bed and Watari is trying to get me to drink a glass of water. What the hell am I sitting here for? I start to stand up. “You aren’t going anywhere,” Watari says, pushing me back onto the bed.

“I have to go to Tsuzuki -- ”

“Tatsumi and Akimiya-san are going to go look for Tsuzuki,” Watari says. “You’re going to stay here, and stay awake, because if Akimiya isn’t here you could get sucked into the dreams again.”

I manage a nod. Then shake my head. “No! I have to go to him; he needs me.”

“You can’t help them, Hisoka,” Watari says. “You have to stay here.”

“But -- ”

“No buts,” Watari says. “You can help me in the lab; it’ll keep you awake.”

“I won’t be able to concentrate,” I say. “Watari, it’s Muraki, you know what he’ll do to Tsuzuki, I have to go, I’ve got to, I can’t leave him to that . . .”

Watari pushes me back down again. “Hisoka, you have to calm down.”

“I don’t want to calm down, I want Tsuzuki, he wouldn’t leave me alone, he promised he would come back, that he’d be okay, he promised, Tsuzuki doesn’t break promises -- ”

“Hisoka!”

“HE PROMISED NOW LET ME GO!”

Watari lets me go, abruptly, and I stand up and head for the door. My scars are burning. They’re burning and I can’t breathe; I’m dizzy --

Watari catches me as I slump to the ground again.

“No,” I protest faintly. “Please, I need to go to Tsuzuki . . . he needs me . . .”

And the world fades out.

~~~~

My scars . . . hurt. I hurt. The world is fuzzy. Fading in. Like a radio station. Static. Clearing up. Focusing in. Hospital bed. Something’s wrong. I’m alone again. No Tsuzuki. No . . .

“Tsuzuki!”

“Calm down.” Akimiya catches hold of me as I try to launch myself out of the bed.

“But Tsuzuki -- ”

“Is fine,” Akimiya says firmly. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch you in that last dream. I couldn’t get close enough. You were projecting too much. I had to grab you once you had passed out.”

I stare. Blink. Assimilate. “Dream?” I say weakly.

“Yes. Dream.” Akimiya gives me a steady look.

My breathing is all harsh again. “But . . . so . . . wait . . .” My head hurts. A lot.

Akimiya hands me a cup of tea. “Drink that,” he says quietly.

I sip at the tea and try to regain my bearings. “So . . . did Tsuzuki get sent out to investigate the house? Or was that a dream too?”

“That wasn’t a dream. This morning was real. Remember? I’ll never tell you it’s not a dream if it is.”

“Right.” My head throbs.

“He got back about a half an hour ago. He’s talking to Konoe-Kachou right now, and then he’ll be back in here.”

“So he isn’t missing?” I ask in a small voice.

“No. And we still don’t think it was Muraki.”

“Oh,” I say. My whole body is going limp with relief. “So he’s okay?”

“He’s fine, Hisoka.”

I remind myself to take a few deep breaths. The tension is draining out of my body like water. “Oh good,” I say vaguely. “You know, I marvel at my mind’s capabilties for coming up with all sorts of horrible situations that still seem realistic.”

Akimiya gives me a hug, and together we wait for Tsuzuki. By common assent, we don’t tell him about my latest dream. I just snuggle up in his arms and go back to sleep.

~~~~

Tsuzuki brings me breakfast in bed the next day. I have to get some fresh air before I shrivel up and die, and I’m not an outdoorsy sort of person. Akimiya is sipping his tea. He looks exhausted. For some reason, I feel guilty about this. Stupid curse certainly isn’t my fault.

Must get outside. I’m going crazy. “Akimiya, can I go outside for a while?”

He gives me a tired look. “Yeah, go ahead. Mind if I don’t come?”

“No, you need to nap,” I say.

He looks at me for a long second, as if studying me, then nods a little. “Okay. Call me if you need me.”

“I’ll go with you,” Tsuzuki says.

I’m certainly not going to object to Tsuzuki’s company after that dream yesterday, so the two of us go outside. The sakura are always in bloom here. It’s pretty. We sit down in the center of the field. This is where he told me I could beat Muraki. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get the chance.

So we sit in silence for a while. I want to say something, but I don’t at the same time.

“What did you dream about yesterday?” he asks softly.

“I dreamed . . . that you were gone,” I say. I don’t want to go into any more detail than that, but do anyway. “That I had failed to protect you. That you . . . might never come back to me.”

He puts an arm around me and pulls me into the relative safety and comfort of an embrace. I snuggle up against him, ashamed to admit my weakness to everyone but him. Because he would never hold it against me.

“Why do you love me, Hisoka?” His voice is soft and tired and infinitely vulnerable.

“Because . . . you’re the first person who was ever kind to me,” I reply. “Because I need you. You’re . . . beautiful, and you have so much life stored up inside you. You make me want to live. You’re sweet . . . and kind . . . and caring . . .” I stop myself before I can say more. My eyes are burning with unshed tears.

“Hisoka . . .” Tsuzuki’s arms tighten around me a little.

“It’s okay,” I say hastily. “I know . . . that you can’t care for me that way. We’ve had this conversation, remember?”

“I know, but . . . you certainly deserve someone who loves you more than I do.” I start to protest, but Tsuzuki continues before I can. “And I don’t think I really deserve you, but . . . if you love me, I guess there’s nothing much I can do about it.”

I manage a shaky laugh.

Tsuzuki lets me go and turns a little so we’re facing. He takes a deep breath. “I . . . I want to try. I don’t know how to make myself happy . . . so if I can make you happy . . . then maybe . . . I’ll be happy too.”

I’m just staring at him. I know I should say something, but I can’t think of a word to say.

“I guess I don’t really know what love is,” Tsuzuki says. “But I think if I could love anyone . . . it would be you. So I’ll try. I’ll try as hard as I can. And maybe you can teach me.”

My brain has frozen. I don’t think I could manage to talk if my life depended on it. So I go for the old standby and fling myself into his arms, hugging him so tightly that I’m surprised he can still breathe. But he holds me just as tightly, smoothing my hair and whispering things that have no meaning.

“Hisoka?”

I look up. Akimiya is standing a few feet away.

“I hate to interrupt,” he says, looking decidedly ill-at-ease, “but I need to talk to you for a second.”

“Sure.” I look blankly at him.

“Just you,” he says, looking even more uncomfortable.

“Oh.” I stand up. Squeeze Tsuzuki’s hand before letting go. Follow Akimiya a few feet away.

He gives me a very long look for a second. “Hisoka . . . it’s time to wake up.”

What?

“I know . . . that this didn’t feel like a dream,” he continues. “But . . .”

“No.”

He blinks at me.

“This wasn’t a dream.” My voice cracks. “This can’t have been a dream. It can’t have been. Tsuzuki . . . Tsuzuki and I were . . . it’s not a dream! Tell me it isn’t a dream!”

Akimiya looks away. “I’m sorry, it’s just I’m getting so tired, and I didn’t want to spend the energy pulling you out because nothing seemed to be wrong, and then it occurred to me that maybe that was the point; the dream was being nice so you wouldn’t want to wake up, and I figured I had better wake you before things . . . went right.”

“No, you’re lying.” I’m crying now. “It isn’t a dream, it can’t be a dream. Tsuzuki was . . . we were . . . he said he’d be able to love me, it isn’t a dream, it isn’t, you’re lying!”

Akimiya pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

And the world starts to melt around us.

I feel like I’m melting with it.

~~~~

“Hisoka, I’m sorry,” Akimiya says softly. Tsuzuki is standing at the foot of the bed, looking at us in confusion. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know the curse had . . . developed to the point where it could do that.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Is that my voice? It sounds so dull . . . then again, I hardly feel anything. I think my heart may have honestly frozen in my chest. I can’t . . . feel. I thought for a minute that Tsuzuki truly loved me. With that gone . . . it feels like the sun has gone out.

Akimiya has this pained look on his face. “Hisoka . . .”

“Shut up, Akimiya. It wasn’t your fault and there’s nothing you can say to make this better.” I sit up in bed and pull my knees up to my chest. I think I’m shaking.

“Yeah, I know.” He sighs. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No,” I reply. “There isn’t.”

I lie down.

Stare at the ceiling.

“What just happened?” Tsuzuki asks.

I think I might start to cry.

“Hisoka, are you okay?”

Of course I’m not okay. I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m not okay.

Tsuzuki sits on the edge of my bed and pulls me into a hug. I don’t want him to hug me. What if this is a dream? No, can’t be a dream. Akimiya’s here. But I can’t tell anymore. Everything feels sort of vague and dreamlike. So I just . . . let Tsuzuki hug me. I’m afraid if I move, it might all shatter around me again.

Finally, he lets me go. “I brought you a present,” he says, with a large Tsuzuki grin.

I blink. “Huh?”

He holds out a bag to me. “When I was on earth checking out that house.”

I open the bag up slowly and see some dark colored shapes inside. “Candy?”

“Better,” he says. “Chocolate-covered espresso beans!”

I blink at him. He’s acting like I should know what they are, and I don’t. “Espresso?”

Tsuzuki makes a face. “Special coffee,” he says. “Lots of caffeine and sugar. They’ll help you stay awake.” He nods vigorously.

I cautiously pop one in my mouth. Chew. Make a face. “Bitter,” I finally say, swallowing. “Are you sure these’ll help me stay awake?”

“Sure,” Tsuzuki says. “Trust me.”

“Okay . . .”

~~~~

I’ve had so many of those bean thingys that Tsuzuki bought me that I’m bouncing off the walls. Everything is bright. And kinda wobbly. My hands are shaking. I think I must’ve had way too many of those espresso things. I’m pacing around the room at what feels like eight thousand miles an hour. Tsuzuki wasn’t kidding when he said these things would keep me awake. I’ve never felt more awake in my life.

Tsuzuki, naturally, bought a bag for himself and has been eating almost as many as me. He says he’ll keep me awake so Akimiya can take a nap, which is good because Akimiya really needs a nap. I’ve never seen anyone with darker circles under their eyes.

So I’m bouncing off the walls and Tsuzuki is bouncing with me. Bounce bounce bounce. It’s amazing how much better the world seems when you’ve had three full bags of chocolate covered espresso beans. I hate to think how I’m going to feel when these things wear off. Probably pretty tired. So I’ll just have to make sure they don’t wear off. Every time I start feeling vaguely normal again, I eat a whole bunch more of them. Good plan, huh? Yeah, I thought so.

~~~~

I have a new theory now. I’m just going to lie here and stare at the ceiling. That way, if I’m dreaming, I won’t do anything, so the dream won’t hurt me. I’m not listening. Actually, the world seems like it’s coming through about five miles of fog. I can’t hear anything except a dim roaring.

After we ran out of espresso beans, Tsuzuki volunteered to go back to Chijou and get some more. Watari wouldn’t let him, though. He said that I’d had enough and that if I ate any more, my veins might explode. Tsuzuki took him seriously, and I was too buzzed to realize that Watari was lying. Shortly after that was when I passed out cold on the floor. Someone must have lifted me up and put me in bed.

That was when I came up with my new theory. I know it worked really well, too, because when Akimiya woke me up, he said, “Are you okay?”

I told him I was fine.

He looked relieved and said, “I was worried. That was a bad one.”

The nightmare had happened around me and I hadn’t even realized it. Oh, I’d been vaguely aware of a couple people in the room talking. But I wasn’t listening to a word they said. I guess, whatever they were saying, it was pretty bad. When I explained to Akimiya, he refused to tell me what it had been about.

That was when I decided this was a really good idea. Time doesn’t really have any meaning when you’re just floating, but I think I’ve been like this for a few days now.

Someone’s talking. Can’t hear them over the noise in my ears, though. White noise. Like a womb, maybe? I’m curled up like I’d be in one. That’s the most protected position. Except my mother never protected me. A useless womb. I think she may have loved me once, but never once she found out what I was.

No one has ever really loved me.

The world probably shouldn’t be so fuzzy, but it’s a good way to be. I think someone’s trying to make me eat. Have I been withdrawn like this for that long? Someone’s propping me up. Someone else, kinda blurry -- blonde, so it’s either Watari or Akimiya -- is aiming a spoonful of food at my mouth. I kind of blink at it. It gets too close and nudges at my lips. Automatically, I open my mouth. It takes them a while to feed me, and I’m altogether too much in the real world.

I decide I won’t eat anymore. I don’t like being able to hear them. Some of the gauze has cleared away. I like the gauze. I like that separation. Nothing matters anymore. I can never have Tsuzuki. Never like I need him. Maybe it would be better if I just went away.

Just . . . faded . . . out.

They lay me down on the bed, on my back. No more protection.

Can’t hear them anymore.

Like a badly tuned radio.

Think I’ll just close my eyes and stay like this for a while. Maybe stay like this forever.

But . . . someone is crying. I can feel it. Because . . . they’re hugging me. The fog lifts a little. Tsuzuki. He’s looking at my with those huge purple eyes of his. His lips are moving. The fog is lifting. “ . . . come back to us, please, Hisoka, we all miss you . . .”

He’s crying.

“We miss you very much . . .”

And laying his head on my chest.

“I miss you . . .”

Am I dreaming?

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