|
|
|
|
|
|
60 ~ Fri - 5*14*04 - 10:39pm ~ SPONGE MONKEYS
Song of the Day: Nine Inch Nails-Something I Can Never Have So you all must be wondering what sponge monkeys have anything to do with anything. If anyone of you have seen the commerical for Quiznos Subs, you should know. That little weird creature that sings, well, that is a sponge monkey. And what does it have to do with subs? Absolutely nothing. Just something to get people's attention. Anyway. I work at Quiznos now and I must say, it actually is really fun. I am the finisher, the one that puts the lettuce and other stuff on and wraps the sub. Today was my first day of work. I have been home for about two days and I am already employed and working. It's so nice to have an income. :) So yes, home. I came back here on Wednesday and I am kinda happy I am here and at the same time, kinda disappointed. I mean, I'm home, it's where I don't have to worry about a bunch of homework and people that I hardly know that live in the same building as me. But it is disappointing being I can't be on my own. But I think that is in my best interest as well. I can't smoke while I'm here, and I'm not talking about cigarettes. But that's alright. Here I don't feel the need to like I did there. There was just something about being at school that I just wanted to smoke and smoked I did. Either way, I guess it really doesn't matter, because hopfully by next year I won't be smoking anymore as it is. Though, I doubt that. I talked to Matt for a little while the last two days. Wednesday was his birthday, so I called him up and wished him a happy birthday. He was all excited because I remembered, and that made me feel good that he was happy I remembered. I talked to him the morning after as well. I wanted to ask him how his b-day went and I also wanted to tell him I got the job at Quiznos. He was happy for me. I kinda hope that I see Matt sometime soon. I miss him soooo much. But not in a love sort of way, I am absolutely past that, though I still do have a few lingering crush feelings for him. I have moved on. Finally. It took me long enough, but I was finally able to do it. Now, if he asked me back out right now. I still don't know what I would say. But that moment isn't here, so I definitely don't have to worry about that. All in all, I must say that I am happy and satisfied. And I don't want or need a guy in my life to do that to me. Yes, I know, holy shit, April actually said that. But it is true. I've had a few motivations to get me on the right track, let's just say a 1/4 million dollar movtivation. But that is not for your ears to hear. But let me tell you, money sure does motivate my ass. Oh yes sir, it does. |
|
59 ~ Tues - 5*11*04 - 2:24pm ~ SUMMER
Song of the Day: Limp Bizkit-Behind Blue Eyes I was very excited yesterday. I got my stats grade back for my final and my course. I got an 88% on the final exam and for the course grade I got a B! I was very happy about that. I am hoping for a B in CS110 as well. I took that exam yesterday and I believe I did well enough to get the B for the course. I have psych tomorrow, but I am not sure how to go about studying for it. I have a shit load of vocab words that I need to know and there is so many that I keep pushing it off. So summer time is almost here. Tomorrow night I will be moving out of this room and I will be going home. I have watched several people leave already and watching some go has made me sad, but I am thrilled for the summer and for the up coming year of college. I actually talked to Matt last night on the phone. I called him up and he told me that he couldn't talk so I told him to call me sometime that night if he wanted to. And he did. He called me at about one in the morning. We were talking about nothing at all like we always did. I have given up trying to figure out what my feelings are. All I really can explain of them is that they are confusing and not completely developed. It's like there is a bunch of mixed feelings I have but none of them really shines through. It's like all the feelings I have just cancel themselves out to become a feeling of nothing. I do, however, wish I would see Matt before I left this year. I have a pretty good feeling that if I don't see him this year, I probably won't ever see him again. He will probably foget about me. He is happy with his life and he is happy with his new girlfriend. I am no one to detest that. It's strange. Though I don't want Matt back as a boyfriend, I just don't want him to be with anyone else. I honestly wanted him to feel what I was feeling and tell me the things I sometimes tell him. But that isn't happening and who am I to make it happen anyway? Like I said, a lot of mixed feelings. I guess it just doesn't matter anymore. Nothing ever matter to begin with, therefore nothing matters now as it is. Why should a person invest there feelings and thoughts onto someone, only in the end to get rejected and hurt? Emotional pain never goes away. A broken heart is seldom healed. What's the point in even trying to pick up the pieces just to know in the end that it will remain broken? |
|
58 ~ Sun - 5*09*04 - 4:19pm ~ MEMORIES
Song of the Day: Opeth-Hope Leaves I've had plenty of time this morning to sit outside under a tree and think about everything. There are a lot of times where I would rather be alone with my own thoughts. It's sometimes easier to take all outside opinion out and focus on what you believe is right or wrong, or whatever else. The lingering thoughts of Matt still pull to the surface at times. It has been so long I have forgotten what it was like to be with him. Hence the reason my feelings hold on to nothing more than some thoughts left in my mind. I honestly thought that no matter what happened between me and Matt, that we would always remain close. But that has faded as well. The phone calls have stopped and like I have written before, all he remembers now is my name. It's as though that anything between us never existed at all. But the experience I still hold on to dearly. I sometimes wonder if he ever stops to think about me and why we went through what we did. The thoughts of me just being a rebound to him (rebound to Crystal) seem to become more likely as time moves on. He wasn't ready to take on me. I've always thought I was a difficult person to handle and I guess my views of myself are once again correct. The thoughts of Matt, however, are not of any substance. There are no feelings of hate, no feelings of love, no feelings of happiness, there is just an empty hole. I have faded from his mind. His life has left me out and the only thing I am able to do is try to forget that he was ever a part of my life. But it's so hard to do when he has left a mark so permanently on me. I've never had so much trouble letting go of someone. I am used to being able to move on within days of a break up, but it has been months and I still feel scarred in a way. |
|
57 ~ Sat - 5*08*04 - 3:54pm ~ HOME
Song of the Day: Candlebox - He Calls Home I am going to be going home in five days. I am so happy that I'll be home again. I must admit that I do kinda miss it. Even though I won't have all the freedom I have here, it will be nice to sleep in my own bed again. I will be away from all these memories, the ones that I still grasp onto when my heart aches for something more. The memories are nothing more than a distant dream. It has become a fictional reality to me. Going through life, there are so many things that I would of never seen myself doing or feeling or saying. There is so much a person won't realize about themselves until it's past the moment they needed to know it. Now that I realize me, I have isolated myself just enough so that I will be able to cleaning heal my wounds and be able to do what I need to do to make myself better than what I am. |
|
56 ~ Fri - 5*07*04 - 11:08pm ~ REVELATION
Song of the Day: Suicidal Tendencies-Lovely Today I was walking to the dining all to get take out and I had the most amazing revelation. I realized why I do the things I do. I have finally figured out how my personality works. There are certain things in my life that I like and I have realized that anything I like I do to the extreme. For example, cigarettes. I smoke a lot of cigarettes every day because I love smoking them. Also with weed. When I smoke I smoke. I do it the extreme. Sex. I love sex so I have a lot of sex. Sex as much as possible seems more like it. Even with love. When I feel something for someone, I take it to the extreme. That is why I fall in love so easily. It makes so much sense. That is why if I am doing something in school that I don't enjoy I will but no effort into it, because I don't like it. I will be lazy and try to blow it off as much as possible. I can't believe I didn't see this before. If only I knew I was like this, I might have been able to do things in a totally different way. But then again, maybe not. I believe this is part of my personality which can be very difficult to change. I mean, it's hard to change things about me that I could hardly realize for all these years. It's just kinda engrained into me. The way I am we'll say. Somethings just takes awhile to come into focus. As for my schooling, I took my Stats exam and did very well. I am so confident about this. And that means I will get a B in stats!!! Hehe, yay! So here I am. Moving on in life and taking the next step into my future. |
|
55 ~ Fri - 5*07*04 - 2:27am ~ LUCKY I'M ME
Song of the Day: Stabbing Westward-Save Your Self I had one fucked up experience. I was sitting in the bus stop, the place I usually 'smoke' at. I was smoking a bowl with a friend of mine and I was about to take a hit. All of a sudden I see a car rolling up. I drop the bowl to my lap and cover it with my baggy ass clothes. It happened to be a police car. He drove by the bus stop. I slid the bowl into my pockets, pulled out a cigarette and lit it. The cop came back around and pulled up to us. He asked us how long we've been there and what we were doing. Let's just say by this point my ass sobered up pretty damn fast. (I can actually go into the psychology behind that, ;) FINALS) Anyway, I calmly answered saying we were just sitting, talking and smoking a cigarette. He told us that someone called in saying that there were people in the bus stop smoking weed. I, thankfully, stayed calm as hell and said no, we were just talking. That's all. He paused a moment to call something in and soon after said that he was sorry to bother us and drove away. He lingered a little but I wasn't stupid enough to pull the bowl out again right after. All I think is thank god I had baggy clothes on to cover the bowl or the cop would of saw the bowl and it would have been over. And I thought my gift of gab would never come in handy. I would like to thank my dad for that trait. Moving on. All day today I was going through all my notes for Stats. I went through all the chapters and made a list of everything that was covered in the sections. Then I went to my notes and seperate everything that I needed. And then I went through that and wrote out two pages of notes that we are allowed to use for the exam later today. I'm glad though. I feel very prepared for all my exams this semester. Off topic... The other day I was looking through the forum for Final Incision. I noticed that Matt's new girlfriend, Holly, was registered. She had a link to her homepage. Boy was I shocked when I saw her. I even have to admit that she is hot as hell. One of the pictures were from FaceTheJury, so I assume Matt met her through there. It's so strange to see him with someone else. But I must say that I'm happy for him. We both found our happiness. He is doing well and I have found my path and am doing well also. I think I have finally reached the real stage of friendship. I believe my feelings have finally gone away. I think I might be able to smile once again. |
|
54 ~ Wed - 5*05*04 - 11:48pm ~ THUNDERSTORM
Song of the Day: Chimaira-Dead Inside I've had this feeling of wanting to write in my journal. But I am not sure about what. There has been nothing interesting happening to me lately. Ever since I took the drama of guys out of my life, my life has become automatic and uninteresting. There is no drama, no surprises, no twists. Just straight forward bullshit. I think about a lot of stuff now and I don't know what about exactly. It's all scrambled in my mind; it's become one big blob of emotionless actions. The question I face now is what do I want. Even now it is a question I still yet to figure out. It seems strange. But it feels as though I have lost my drive, my way of being the hunter. I feel the lack of excitement anymore in trying to find a guy. To me it is just a burden. I keep thinking to myself that there will never be anyone that will meet my standards. There is so much specific things I look for that it is so hard for me to stay interested in someone anymore. I believe I have raised the bar and the lack of motivation has made it impossible for me to even care about talking to guys or even being interested in them at all. I also guess I don't want to deal with the pain that all relationship have brought me, especially my last one. The hurt is too much and it's happened to me so much that I feel that I just can't stand to go through it again. It's so hard to pursue something that you are so afraid will cause you pain. It's natural human intinct to avoid things that will cause injury or pain. I believe my natural instinct has finally kicked in. I want to avoid the pain. Don't get me wrong, I desire someone. I want more than anything to be in that perfect love. In wanting that, I have become very picky with the people I will look at as a potential boyfriend. There just hasn't been anyone good enough that I know will keep me from feeling pain. I want something that I know is true. I want something that I know I will be happy in. Not me just throwing myself into the first avalible relationship. And then again, my thoughts still sometimes linger to Matt. Not wanting him or anything of the sorts. Just to him. His face. That is it. It's very strange. I feel pushed out of his life to the point where all I feel when I think of him is his face and his smile. Nothing more, nothing less. There is a reason for everything, right? Well what is my reason for Matt still lingering on my mind? |
|
53 ~ Wed - 5*05*04 - 2:44pm ~ STRIP DOWN THE WALLS
Song of the Day: 40 Below Summer-Falling Down It seems so odd to be taking all my poster down off my walls and getting ready to move out of this building. This room has been my home for the past eight months. It's as if I am cleaning away all the memories of this year. It's strange how times goes by and you start to get the feeling like this isn't normal or this isn't what is supposed to be happening. It's really hard to explain. There are so many memories that is going to be left behind when I walk out of this room. The memories of Matt and me still linger and as I walk through the door to go home for the last time, the way I could stare at my room and remember where he sat will fade into nothing more than what once was or what is never again. There comes a time where all the memories turn into just a whisper of who you once were. I once was the girl that everyone loved and thought was cool as hell. But now that is only a whisper. There a lot of me that has died this year. Whether I die to the hands of good or bad, I am not who I once was. The walls of this year has emptied from me and I am left with a clear white creamy slate. Where shall I begin? |
|
52 ~ Fri - 4*30*04 - 3:34am ~ OVER
Song of the Day: Guns N' Roses-November Rain I am so happy how my exams and such fell for my last semseter. All my quizzes and tests are over with. I have the entire weekend to enjoy before I have to start studying for my finals (which are nicely spaced apart). It keeps a lot of the stress off. I got a call from Matt last night I believe it was. I kinda had a feeling he would call me at some point. I made it clear to him that I was not interested in the bullshit anymore and that he knew how to reach me. And he did. I don't know. A lot of shit seemed so different between us. We talked but the conversation didn't make me smile like it always did. Everything just seems so out of my reach and Matt staying in my life this little bit is keeping me still thinking about him. When he doesn't call me I don't think about him (only glimpse thoughts), but when he reappears I have a bunch of days where he floods into my mind. I don't think I ever had a problem with being just friends with someone I previously dated. But for some reason, it is becoming a problem in this case. I don't what I really want. I don't know if I want him to be in my life or not. There are parts of me that wouldn't want to let go and there are parts that make me think that I might be better off. But those parts that won't let go really won't let go. |
|
51 ~ Wed - 4*28*04 - 5:58pm ~ STANDING ALONE
Song of the Day: Audiovent-The Energy Only a few more days of class and a few more days of exams left and my first year of college will be over and soon summer work will cloud my mind. I have been thinking a lot about next year. I sit and look over the past year and realize how messed up everything was. I pissed this first year away, feeling my way out with my new found freedom and giving myself headaches about John this and Matt that and this guy or that one. The end of the semester is the time that I finally find my place at college and I finally decide that this is more than I thought it was. It's bad to say, but Matt was right. I hear the song by Hoobastank all the time now. And all I can think about is how he was right about being in my life for guidance. I suppose it was him that helped me though this. Though there are still several things that I do that he doesn't like, I feel I am prepared to make next year at college what it is supposed to be. I know where my life is headed once again and this time I don't need anyone in my life to make me feel like I know where I am going. As the year closes I will close out this chapter of my life. It is time to start over from the beginning. Where my new beginning will lead me, I don't know. But all I do know is that my guidance, whether it be Matt, myself, or my music, has showed me more than the world. I have discovered my flaws and I am ready to take the next step. I have decided that I am ready to move on. This is a part of my life I will remember forever, but this is a part of my life I must leave behind. |
|
50 ~ Thurs - 4*22*04 - 11:59am ~ POEM
TO MATT: I feel so fucked up.... Leave it inside.... Fill up on pain.... My thoughts of you are strange.... Too weak from everyday life.... I can't continue to live like this.... Live without you.... Live with these memories.... Thats not enough.... I sit and ask myself why.... How could i do this to you.... How can i ever say im sorry.... I must find the right time.... I must find the one.... I have to move on.... But its soo fuckin' hard.... I could dwell on your beauty forever.... Just know that i still love you.... Will you ever see the great things in me.... Thats one thing that i can doubt.... I dont even know myself anymore.... All this fuckin' rage.... Why doesn't God take my life.... Cause without you,there is no life.... I can't give you what you deserve.... But maybe he can.... So i'll move out of your life.... And watch him move in.... Your feelings have changed but mine haven't..... I just dont understand why you dont love me.... I told you i would pretend not to care.... Once again,i have lied to you.... Why cant i just lay out the truth.... Why cant i be as lucky as him.... Maybe i can wait to die.... Dont want to sit here and live.... Then i force myself to cry.... I have given all i can give.... I could only give you me.... Was it not good enough.... I just dont understand.... Please explain it to me.... Everything was soo great.... But thats when it was me and you.... Is it great now.... No cause theres no me and you.... Do i just seem dead to you.... Do you honestly hate me.... I dont blame you if you do.... All i did is make shit worse.... Why couldnt i make things right.... All i want is you.... But its like reaching for a star.... I can try all i want.... But I'll never reach it.... When my time in this life is up.... I always told you i would remember you on the other side..... On the darkside... When im experiencing real pain.... I will be able to remember you and the torment will go away.... And when i cannot hold you in person.... I will be holding you wherever you are.... I will hold your hand.... But the bad thing is.... You will never know that im touching you.... I could touch your face.... Put your hand in mine.... Kiss you softly.... Rest my head onto yours.... Hold you.... Hug you.... And you will never realize that im there with you.... Only in your mind will i exist.... And you will carry on and forget all the good times.... But my name will sit inside your head.... That will be the only thing you will remember 30 years from now.... But what im tryin to say is.... I'll always be with you.... When you least expect it.... I'll be holding you in my arms.... No matter where you are.... So i leave you with this.... All my words have come from the heart.... Noone elses but mine.... But just remember one thing.... If you never remember anything else.... Or believe me again in your time of survival..... Always know that your in the depths of my mind.... All the memories will never wash away.... And i guess what im trying to say.... Is i miss you.... And i will always LOVE YOU.... And as always... Im soo sorry for fuckin' up your life.... |
|
49 ~ Thurs - 4*22*04 - 11:38am ~ YES OR NO
Last night I was lying in bed at about 1 in the morning. I needed to go to bed early because I had to get up early this morning for a follow up at the doctors office. I was trying to get myself to sleep when the phone rang. I debated answering it or not, and then decided I was really curious who would be calling me at about 1:30 in the morning. It was Matt. He hadn't called me in days. We were talking about the Metallica concert he went to that night (the one I was supposed to go to). He said that it was awesome. Of course it was, it was Metallica. Though they suck now they were amazing back in the day. But anywho. Matt and I were also talking about us. I made the comment that me and him are still together because we never broke up from when he asked me back out again. He was like, and to think, I thought I was single this whole time. We were laughing. Then he was like, I need to tell you something. I started busting out laughing. I knew what he was going to say. I was like, wait, let me guess. You cheated on me. I don't know why it was funny. But me and him were laughing so hard we could hardly breath. He was like, yeah twice on the same night. In between laughing I was like, I'm sorry but I cheated on you too. Twice in the same week. He was busting out still. And then I added the cherry on top. I was like, but I still love you though. We were dying with laughter by this point. He was like I'm sorry and I still love you too. I thought I was going to pass out because I was laughing so hard. Why we thought it was so funny, I have no idea. But it was fun. Lately, I have been thinking about Matt a lot but not really in the way that I used to. There are those moments where I remember all the good times and wish it back, but it doesn't seem likely. So I asked him seriously if we were or not. He said he didn't know. Which kinda peaked my attention. I thought I was sure he was going to say no we aren't. But he told me to ask him when he was more awake because he didn't want to say one thing and not mean it. I knew it. He has been feeling the same shit as I have. I miss him and still kinda wish that we were together, but I'm too afraid to try because I don't want to have to deal with bullshit again. When I said that, he agreed. He told me that he is going to call me today/tonight. I have no idea where this is all going. Probably no where. I was telling Matt last night about how I am hoping to change and all this other stuff. I was telling him as a friend. I don't know how he is taking it though. It's strange to think that he is sitting back and actually feeling something for me again. He obviously thought about me being he called me last night. But what exactly is going on in the back of his mind. I guess we will figure that out when I ask him about us being together or not. |
|
48 ~ Thurs - 4*15*04 - 9:58am ~ NO GOODBYES
I got the most shocking news yesterday and it effected me more than I wanted it to. Matt IMed me last night telling me that he is moving to Florida because this is his opportunity to get out. He is going to have a good job and finish his education. He's making himself into something and it's all because of me. He sent me this song to listen to that he told me was perfect. It's hoobastank - the reason. Let me post it for you. I'm not a perfect person As many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear I've found a resaon for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is You [x4] I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you I don't even know what to say. When he told me that he was leaving I just spilled everything, I told him everything I felt for him. I told him how much he touched my life and how much he will be apart of me forever. And then he sent me that song. Oh my god. Everytime I hear it I start to cry. The feeling that I have is undescribible. The reason he wants to make himself into something is because of me. Because of me. My opinion obviously mattered to him. I will miss him so much. I don't want to say goodbye to him. In all this the last thing I expected to do was have to say goodbye to him. He also sent me the lyrics to the song Linkin Park - Lying from you. The line that gets me is "I rather be all alone", and "the very worse part of you is me." He isn't the worse part of me. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I see that now when he is about to leave. I never wanted to see him go. All I can do is cry. It hurts so much. I had no idea that I was the one that effected him like that. I suppose all those times I talked about him going to school and everything, he really is going to listen to me. And now I am stuck having to watch him go. I will miss him more than ever. Like I told him once before, "i will always love u... u have a piece of my heart... even when ur gone u'll be on my mind.. u left a mark on me.. good or bad.. u will always be apart of me... i don't want to see u go, but i know u have to.. maybe on day u'll come back so i can see how good u turned out" I love you Matthew! I hope you feel that for the rest of your life. I hope I am apart of you as much as you are apart of me. You tell me there is someone out there for me and it isn't you. Matt, you have been the only guy that made me feel some of the things I've felt. If I'm not supposed to be with you, then I don't know who I will be. Like you were here to guide me, I was here to guide you. And I can't just watch you walk out of my life. Don't ever forget me, I will always be thinking about you. ALWAYS! |
|
47 ~ Wed - 4*14*04 - 1:46pm ~ DISAPPEARED
Matt never called me last night. I suppose that is a good sign. In a way I'm glad he didn't call. It made it easier for me, I didn't have to decide anything. Though, in a way, I am disappointed that he didn't call. I would of liked to talk to him, but then that would of left me having to make a decision on what I was going to do after I heard his voice again. He wanted me to disappear, so I have. Once again, I am taking myself out of the equation. Let's see if he is going to push himself back in. Besides that, my day was fairly boring. I have a calc exam on Friday that I desperately need to do really good on, but the problem is, I don't understand the information. I talked to Dave a lot yesterday. He got me listening to Stabbing Westward, which actually isn't bad at all. I actually enjoy the music. The singer has the most incredible voice. There isn't really much to update on. There has been a lot of shit going through my mind though. I can't even explain it into words. I just feel like I need to write something down though. I've been thinking a lot about relationships and what I was doing wrong in them and why they ended. I can't help to think though, that Matt and mine relationship was over, not because of me, but because of him. I had all those feelings still there and supposedly his were coming back because he asked me out again. But then again, he doesn't remember that. *rolls eyes* The attitude problem that he has though is something I don't need to deal with. It's all too much. It's like his life is so different from mine. It is actually. He lives in a totally different environment than what I grew up in all my life. He is apart of the class of people that must work to survive. I am apart of the class of people that are still getting an education to make the time that we do work, better than what he is doing now. The way he handles his problems are completely immature and to sustain a lasting relationship, I must have a partner that is immature at times, (don't get me wrong), it's just that I need someone that will be able to handle the problems without flying off the deep end. I suppose it is now time for me to move on and instead of disappearing myself, I will make him disappear to me. |
|
46 ~ Tues - 4*13*04 - 9:26am ~ WHAT TO DO
Yesterday was the most mind boogling day of my life. I sit here now and I still don't know what to think. So let me start from the beginning and try to explain this as best as possible. I was talking to Matt's friends yesterday online. I wasn't talking about anything important, I was bored and wanted someone to talk to and it just so happen that his friends where available. So I was talking, there seemed like no problem with it, I've done it before. At about 4:15 I leave to go to class. When I get back there is a message from Matt on my answering machine. He said that he needed to talk to me about some shit and that he wanted me to stop talking to his band members and stop talking to his friends, that it's like I'm stalking him. I was kinda shocked. Stalking him? I was talking to his friends about absolutely nothing. Of course I had to know what was going on, so I called him up. He answered the phone and was like I'm not going to call you back (because I was on my friends cell phone), he wanted to say what he had to say right there. He told me to stop talking to his friends and all this shit. I questioned him why it was such a problem for me to talk to them. It was never a problem before. He told me that I was asking where he was and looking for him. I knew that was a bunch of bullshit. I had the whole conversation logged on my computer, there wasn't one time that I asked any of his friends if he was there. Then somewhere in the conversation the phone was handed off to this girl Christina. She answered the phone and I asked who it was. She was like It's Christina, Matt's girlfriend, why are you saying that you guys are dating when we are. I hung up. I didn't know how to react, the only thing that I was able to do was click the phone closed. My mind started to spin, what the fuck was going on. I called him back a little while later. He answered and I told him that I wanted to talk to him and not that girl. I asked him what was going on. I was confused, I know Matt asked me back out. He told me that he didn't and it was news to him. He said that I hadn't talked to him in the last few days, which I had. He denied everything. He even told me I was being psychotic and that I should just disappear. He hung up the phone on me. What the fuck just happened was all that was able to run through my mind. I was pissed off. I was upset. How can someone be so cruel? I know he asked me out on my birthday, I wouldn't just dream something like that up. I had no idea what was going on. For the rest of the night I was pissed off and I was yelling and hurt. I made a promise to myself that I would never take him back, damn, I even told myself that I would never talk to him again, even if he called me. I couldn't do that, I'm not the type to just leave something there like that. I called him up later that night when I knew he was going to be home by himself and without that girl there. He wasn't home, but he called me back a little while later. I asked him what was going on. I was like, you know damn well that you asked me out again, why the hell are you playing with me. He told me that he didn't remember asking me out. And I called his bullshit on that because the day after we got back together, the first thing I did was ask him if he remembered and he said yes. Hell, the next day I even asked him again, and he said yes. So if he didn't remember, he could of said, sorry I don't remember, and I would give it to him that he was drunk and everything would be fine. But no, he said he remembered. Hell we even talked about it the night before. He told me that he was pissed off at me for calling his friends, it was like I was trying to be possessive or something like that. I said bullshit to that as well. There was only one time that I called his friends looking for him and that was the night that he told me to call him in 20 minutes and then all of a sudden he disappears and no one knows where he went. I wasn't afraid he was with another girl cheating on me, shit, I thought he was with Romi, hence why I called Romi that night. All I wanted to know was why he left when he knew I was going to call him. Matt told me that I should just stop and that I should leave him alone for a few days. I told him that I don't understand how someone could be so cruel and how someone can sit there and play games with me like that when he could of just came to me and talked to me about something that bothered him. I even asked him why he got Christina involved, he told me that she got herself involved. Before I talked to Matt later that night I told my mom what happened and she was glad that I found out that he was a liar. But now, I don't know. I'm not sure if he's a liar or if he just has an attitude problem, where he has to go to the extreme to pent his anger. After I said everything I had to say, I was going to tell him that it was over and I could never talk to him again, but I couldn't. Because there are still feelings there and it hurts more now. I don't know what to do. I can't be with someone that is going to play games with me everytime I do something that they don't like. And my family would never accept him again after this. And I don't know if I want to deal with all the bullshit. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if Matt is ever going to call me again. And if he does, I don't know what is going to happen. Matt hurt me so much and, though I love him so fucking much, I can't be with him and that hurts me more than ever. It's so hard. On one hand, I want to be with him and understand that he's just immature and has an attitude problem, but then on the other hand, I can't be with him because I can't trust him anymore. And plus, his friends hate me now. So there, he got his wish of me not talking to his friends. They called me a liar and that I was making shit up and made them look bad because when they asked Matt if we were together, he denied it. Well obviously he didn't want anyone to know. He even said in his American Single profile that what he learned in a relationship is that he should worry about what other people thing about your significant other, that it should be about what you feel and think. But he didn't do that. There was obviously a reason he kept it from them. I want to be able to forgive him, my heart tells me too, but my mind tells me not to. I'm being pulled apart. Maybe this was all for a reason. Maybe he doesn't want me anyway. So I guess I will make a deal. If he calls me back sometime, I will read him this entry if he hasn't already read it and explain to him that I want to be his friend and still talk, but I can't be with him because of the games, because I don't want to have to deal with the games he plays when something bothers him. I really honestly want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I can't keep on forgiving him like that. I fucked uo a few times in the beginning of our relationship and he never forgave me. I can't keep letting him do this to me and me sit there and take it and forgive him for it. I want to so bad, but there will never again be anything like there once was between us. He will never again whisper the words I love you to me. It hurts more than any of you can know. I truely loved him and a part of me still does. I know he is going to call me again. He will calm down and I might pop into his mind and he might give me a call. But I don't know. I just don't understand anything anymore. My mom told me that a guy that is going to play games with your heart isn't the one. She told me that I will find someone that will make me so happy and there won't be any bullshit involved and that is when you will realize they are the one. Love is such a difficult feeling. But true love doesn't involve game playing. True love is honesty and understanding. True love you are able to talk and fix things without a whole bunch of drama. I suppose only one person really felt love, and that was me. And when I love, those feelings never go away, no matter what the guy does. But this time, I have to fight my urge and hope they disappear. |
|
45 ~ Mon - 4*12*04 - 2:20pm ~ MY SOURCE OF MADNESS
The other night was filled with drama that I didn't want to deal with. No drama is good drama. This guy Pat has been constantly asking me if I would fuck him. I've slept with him before but I haven't wanted to since Matt has been in my life. The other night he begged me to cheat on Matt for weed. One, Matt hates me doing that shit and I wasn't about to fuck my second chance up by doing it again and two, cheating is fucked up to begin with. I don't do it and I'm not about to start. I got pissed and started freaking out and shit. He told me that he can find another girl to sleep with, so I told him that he should do that and stop bothering me. I hung up on him. I know he is the type of person that will call back if he hangs up on me, so I left the phone off the hook so that it wouldn't be ringing (it was late at night and my mom doesn't appreciate the phone ringing that late). Of course he called back, I had two messages from him on the voice mail. I didn't return his calls, I was sick and tired of him being in my life to begin with. I told my mom what was going on and she told me that if he kept calling me that she would take care of it. I know what she would do and it would ruin his life. I was pretty happy for that. This morning I came back to school and I had a message on my answering machine. It was Pat. He said "April, two things I have to say to you. One, ain't no body is going to call you because you have no friends. Number two. Hell, if you think you're pregnant and you don't know who the baby's father is, it's probably a very good chance it's me, because every full time we had sex without protection I shot at least two loads in you. So that is something to go one. And with all the other guys that shot loads in you, you can have the baby and we can have a paternaty test and if it's mine I will take full responsiblity and custody for it and you can go on being a happy little whore. And if the baby's not mine.. Well then... I'm scratching my head.. I don't know who the baby's daddy is... Oh my god, you are a fucking whore...." My machine cut him off there. I was quite entertained by this message. So let me give a message back. One, I do have friends, whether he wants to believe it or not, I do have a few friends that would give there life to help me. Two, I may be a whore, but at least I'm not his whore. (I'm Matt's whore :P). Three, I'm not pregnant. The last time me and him had sex, I already got my period. So there is no worries there. And even if I was, I wouldn't tell him and I wouldn't keep it. I don't care who the father would be. I am not having a child at 19 years old. I don't want to have kids until I am at least 27 or something like that. So please. If he calls again, his life will be over and his will be put in jail for harassment and selling weed and coke. So let's see who has the problem now. Now, back to the good things. Matt. :-) We are doing good. I asked him last night if he loved me and he told me that he honestly didn't but that he did like me more than a friend. I wasn't expecting anything else. He has to gain all those feelings back and that is going to take time. I understand that. I'm just happy that he gave me the chance to prove myself to him. |
|
44 ~ Fri - 4*09*04 - 12:41am ~ BEST BRITHDAY EVER!
Thursday was my birthday. Finally I turn 19. Closer and closer to growing up. And this birthday will be one I will never ever forget. It started out nice when my mom called me up and sung happy birthday to me over the phone. I went back to sleep and got called again by a friend I hadn't seen for about a month. He wanted to hang out later that night. That was good. I was hanging out most of the day, relaxing. I was in such a good mood all day. The night before I had a good conversation with Matt and I was feeling really good. So after I hung out I hung out with Chris for a little and just talked. Then my other friend Chris called me back and wanted to hang out. So we chilled awhile and watched Requiem for a Dream (watch it if you haven't seen it already, I recommend it highly). I got two birthday presents today and a bunch of happy birthdays. I got a stuffed duck from my sister (I collect stuffed animals) and I got a dildo from the guy across the hall from me, hehe. :P When everyone was finished watching a movie they left and I was getting ready for bed. I glanced at the time and noticed it was about midnight. I was wondering why Matt hadn't called me. He always calls me. A few minutes later, the phone rang. It was him. He gave me the best birthday present of my life. He told me that he was going to be open with me. He told me that no matter what he was doing that I was still in the back of his mind. He was realizing how much he missed me and still wanted me in his life. I was in shock. I had the biggest smile plastered on my face and the tears just started coming. I couldn't help it. I told him it was the best birthday present of my life. He told me that he wanted to give me something special that he knew I wanted. :D I am so happy right now. I feel like everything is wonderful again. I can't stop crying. It just seems to unbelievable. I love him so much. After we got back together he told me that he only wanted to tell me two things. Happy birthday and I love you and will call you later. It was the best words I could ever hear. I wished and hoped for all this time that he would come back to me, that we would be together once again. I can't believe this is even happening. I'm just at a lost for words. All I can feel is the joy of having him back in my life. I missed him so much and I longed for this moment ever since we broke up. I love you Matt! :*( :D |
|
43 ~ Wed - 4*07*04 - 6:55pm ~ MATT!
I've found it... Evanescence - Bring Me to Life How can you see into my eyes like open doors Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb Without a soul My spirit sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it...., back home (Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become Now that I know what I'm without You can't just leave me Breathe into me and make me real Bring me to life (Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become Bring me to life (I've been living a lie,there's nothing inside) Bring me to life Frozen inside without your touch, Without your love,darling Only you are the life among the dead All this time I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems Got to open my eyes to everything Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul Don't let me die here (There must be something more!) Bring me to life (Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become Bring me to life I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside!! Bring me to life Bring me to life |
|
42 ~ Wed - 4*07*04 - 2:57pm ~ NORMAL
Last night, like usual, Matt called me. Even though I basically know that he will call at some point, I still am surprised to hear him on the other line. I even asked him, why aren't you on the phone with your girlfriend. He told me that he didn't talk to her that night even though he has this rule where he must talk to his girlfriend at least once a day. I thought about it for a little while and moved on. We talked for a little over 2 hours before Matt wanted to go to sleep. Somewhere in the conversation Matt and I were laughing and I said something. He laughed and the words this is why I lo... He stopped. He didn't finish it and he realized what he was about to say and started babbling to hopefully cover it up enough. I heard it though. I'm not sure what exactly it means or why it almost came out. He could of just did it out of habit or because he actually still feels something for me. I'm not sure. He told me that I'm not that bad of a girl that I just need to relax and I'm fine. But at this moment he doesn't feel anything like that for me. There is just too much hope in this entry. I sit here with hope every single day, wishing that something will happen. I always thought the solution was having hope. But I didn't realize having so much hope could make a life even worse than it already is. It's the fact that I just don't know what is going to happen in the future that is bothering me. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that have felt the same way. If everyone knew the future there would be fewer heart breaks. I wouldn't be sitting her wondering if Matt is still the one for me or if it really is going to be over forever. I am stuck here with all the hope in the world that something might actually happen. But it's the hope that's killing me. With hope my feelings won't completely fade. I am not going to lie. A lot that I did have for him is gone, but there is just enough to make me hold on to that hope. Matt and I sit on the phone for most of the time talking about music and his band and his progress with the guitar and everything. I love hearing about that and I understand it. His girlfriend doesn't. I mean come on, his girlfriend doesn't get the most important thing in Matt's life. I'm not saying that she isn't supportive of his dream, I'm sure she is, it's just a difference of supporting it and be able to talk about it and help him out if something doesn't sound right. I am so happy that Matt learned how to solo. I remember I sat in his room one day and forced him to keep trying even though it frustrated the crap out of him. I want him to be the best he can in his music. Granted I have bashed his dream in a previous entry, I want to see him make it. It would be the best thing that ever happened to him and I want to see him happy. That's all I guess that really matters. Once again, I give up my own happiness to keep someone else happy. *Shrugs* It's just how I am I guess. |
|
41 ~ Tues - 4*06*04 - 9:15am ~ JUGGLING
Here I am, back at the stage of life everyone knows me for. I am confuseed over two people: Matt and Dave. You see for the past two nights I have been on the phone with both. It's just so hard to express what I feel towards someone when it keeps changing moment by moment. I claim I don't love Matt anymore, but just like everything else, I'm not completely sure of that. Last night Matt read part of his personal journal to me. I was surprised at how some of his thoughts moved me. It's different now with him. I thought I knew all about him, I did know a lot,but there were just some things that were left outl I never knew he felt some of of those feelings and I view Matt in a whole new light. I still struggle with my own thoughts of him still. Just last night I fell asleep thinknig of him. It was that oen day we went to Matt's friend's house. I miss the way he was towards me: friendly, loving, happy. It's hard to grasp the idea that I wil never again affect his life like I once did. Matt claims he's changed, and he has, I've watched it. But it's even scarier to realize that now I understand and like the way he is more now than he was with me. They say everything happens for a reason. Well what is my reason for being with Matt and then breaking up? To make me realize that I am a dumb bitch that couldn't even keep the guy she loved and who loved her. I won't deny that I have thought and hoped that all these phone calls and all this new openness towards me is for a better reason than just friendship. I know Matt has become more comfortable with me. He calls me every night just to talk. Three months straight talking everyday and we stil have not run out of things to say to eachother. Matt tells me that he doesn't even stay on the phone with his girlfriend alot because they just don't have anythin to talk about. I must say that that is interesting. A few weeks with nothing to say already. Hmmm. But of course with all these interesting events, there is always one that snaps everything back into perspective. Matt called me bro last night. BRO!! If that isn't a stab in the heart I don't know what is. Bro equals friend zone. Friend zone equals very very bad place to get stuck in. I still hope for more. Matt and I are basically back to the way we were at the beginning. We talk now instead of fight. It's nice for everything to be okay. It just sucks that it's not okay in the way I wish it was. Not only do I have all of that floating through my mind, but I have the new guy Dave on my mind. Dave interests me, however, it seems as though he is not looking for the same thing as me. I told him that my feelings move fast while his moves slow. I don't wnat to be wasting me time on something that will turn to friendship. If that is all it will be, I won't work so hard into making it something more. He's a very quiet person and I feel I have to force him to open up with me. I like a guy to be able to tell me what he feels without me pulling teeth. It just seems simetimes with him that he just doesn't have anything to say. I've known him for a few days therer should be planty to say. I haven't seen Dave yet and I think I am pushing to see him so that I will be able to decide what I truely feel wihtout all this confusion. Dave does call me often and doesn't mind being on the phone. But he becomes so occupied with his computer game that all we say all conversation is hi, what's up. Not the most thrilling thing to hold a conversation about. I kinda wish Dave would just loosen up and stop getting all freaked out because I am looking for a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, we do get along great and I do like him, I guess right now everything is too new to really able to sink my teeth into. While I persue Dave, hopfully Matt will come around. |