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40 ~ Mon - 4*05*04 - 7:22pm ~ MOMENT BY MOMENT
I'm in an interesting postion at the moment. I have found someone that I am actually very very interested in: Dave. He's older, 22. He's an absolute sweetheart and he makes me smile. He's a little quiet at times, but I can deal with that because he enjoys talking to me. I can't wait until he comes to see me. Maybe then I will be able to completely move on from Matt. Matt is still in my life as a friend though. I think it is working out well enough. I am fairly happy at what I have right now. I know it's because I found someone else that keeps my attention. That way, I'm not stuck wishing something will happen between me and Matt again. There is still that little part of me that would take him back in an instant, but it is basically faded into nothing. If I am faced with the question of us getting back together I wouldn't be sure what to say. I don't think I love him like I once did. I know there is still something there, but not enough to really feel the need to pursue it. Dave keeps my attention now. He also plays guitar and he plays for a band as well. Nothing heavy like Matt's band, but not pussy like a lot of bands either. It's a happy medium. He writes music as well. Not impressed, well he writes ALL the music, not just for the guitar. He smokes, which of course has always been a must for me and he also listens to all the same music I do, except for a choice few. We get along so well and I feel so comfortable talking to him. You can say that I like him. |
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39 ~ Thurs - 4*01*04 - 5:46pm ~ APRIL, YOUR A FOOL
April 1st, my day, April fools day. This is the month where I think everyone is talking to me when they say the name. It can get quite distracting at times. Almost walking into people turning around hearing someone saying the date behind you. It's nice though, the weather starts to get warmer and my birthday comes up and easter. Not a bad thing, makes the time of the first year of college ending. Exams will start soon and I will be out of here with one year notched on my belt. And then summer time, working and making some money to come back next year feeling refreshed and ready to start what I should of started at the beginning of this year. I need to be more determinded with why I am here. I've found my life to be so dramatic with just talking to people and trying to get to know them. It seems a hassle sometimes. |
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38 ~ Tues - 3*30*04 - 10:52pm ~ FULL SPEED (INTO A WALL)
On Sunday, a little while after I wrote my last entry, I decided that I was going to be brave and pick up the phone and call Matt. Well, it wasn't so hard dialing the number, it was just the time he picked it up I got nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought he might just hang up on me, or say some really mean shit or something. But the last thing I expected him to do was be nice to me and actually have a conversation with me. I was quite happy to say the least. Of course I had to ask about the whole situation that occurred. He told me that he knew I knew about what was said between him and Rob, and Matt told me that he didn't mean stop bothering him as in what I believed it was; he meant it as move on with my life and get over him. I can understand that. I know he wants me to move on, hopfully because he wants me to be happy. Last night I got on the computer and noticed I had an IM from Matt. Interesting of course. The last thing I knew, Matt had me blocked. But it didn't matter. Me and him talked a little while before I told him I was going to bed soon and that he could call me if he wanted to. He called me. We talked a little. Not about anythung much because I was too fucking tired to even think last night. I feel good though. Once again I feel satisfied with him. I enjoy talking to him now, it's something to look forward to because I never know when my phone might ring and him be on the other line. Matt was right. When we were together we talked too much and I never gave him time to miss me. But now, it's nice. We talk once in awhile and I think I'm pretty much back to myself (granted slightly more cynical). Funny though how Matt became more cynical as well. We're still the same person, just seperated once again. |
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37 ~ Sun - 3*28*04 - 8:57pm ~ TEARS FOR HIM
I don't understand this. I'm supposed to hate Matt. I am supposed to have my heart torn out. But I can't stop thinking about him, and I can't stop wanting to call him. I still stare at the phone in wonder hoping that he calls me. Praying that there is something still there when I know, in reality, there isn't. I know he feels nothing for me, but I can't help but feel something for him. I can't just let something like that go. I miss him to death and it's killing me because for the first time in my life, I don't want another guy. I don't want to find another guy. I'm still in my mourning period and plus, there is no one out there like he was. I will never find anyone that made me feel as special and as happy as Matt made me. I went to the hockey game that Matt was supposed to be at with me. It hurt so much knowing that that extra seat should of been his and he should of been sitting there with me, cheering with me, holding my hand. On the way back from the game, I heard that 3 Doors Down song, Here Without You. I know that wasn't our song but it makes me hurt just the same. The words to that song are exactly on the money. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE PERSON I CELEBRATE A ONE YEAR WITH! I wanted to marry him. And it feels like I keep repeating myself over and over again. It's all the same feelings, over and over again. And the pain and the love just won't go away, no matter how much he tries to make me go away. |
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36 ~ Sat - 3*27*04 - 2:15pm ~ CLEAN UP
I sit back and look at my life and I can't help but wonder to myself, when did all this bad shit start happening to me? Was it just one day while I was sleeping. Did someone go, poof, you're doomed to live a life full of depression and misery? I can't help it, but I still think about Matt constantly. I told so many people about what happened to me and each time I just get as frustrated and pissed off like it just happened. I know that no matter how much he fucked me over and how much I hate him for it, it feels as though there is still something there. I mean, I knew Matt so well, even when we talked for the first time. He isn't the type of person to do and say all this shit without some sort of plausable explanation. I guess I'm just in denial about the whole thing happening to begin with. He is out of my life, and I can't seem to grasp onto that concept. Seether - Fine Again It seems like every day’s the same and I’m left to discover on my own It seems like everything is gray and there’s no color to behold They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here And I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine one day Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now, seems everyone’s gonna be fine One day too late, just as well I feel the dream in me expire and there’s no one left to blame it on I hear you label me a liar ‘cause I can’t seem to get this through You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here And I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine one day Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now, seems everyone’s gonna be fine One day too late; just as well And I’m not scared now. I must assure you, you’re never gonna get away And I’m not scared now. And I’m not scared now. No... I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine one day Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now seems everyone’s gonna be fine One day too late, just as well I am prepared now, seems everything’s gonna be fine for me For me; for myself. For me, for me, for myself For me, for me, for myself I am prepared now for myself I am prepared now and I am fine again |
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35 ~ Fri - 3*26*04 - 3:27am ~ A PIECE OF MY MIND
So let me give up the story. Matt calls me up tonight.. remind you, out of his own free will. We like usual ended up being pretty mean to eachother but having a pretty good time. We get on the topic of cheating. Well, after a bunch of bullshit, he tells me that he cheated on me with three different girls while he was with me. I didn't believe it at first because I know him and I know he wouldn't do anything like that. So I asked him honestly if he did. He told me that he did cheat on me. I started crying and yelling. I was pissed, I yelled about him saying he hates cheaters and all this other bullshit, but then he will turn around and do it to someone. He wanted me to tell him I hated him. And I do. And I told him, I wouldn't give him the pleasure. So he hung up on me. Obviously, the first thing I do was call Rob up (his best friend) and tell him the news I just heard. Rob was in shock as well. He even told me that he knew Matt very well and wouldn't think he would do something like that when he preaches about how bad it is. So we decided to devise a little plan. For Rob to call Matt up on three way so that I would be able to find out if it was true or not. Rob agreed. Rob questioned him about the whole cheating ordeal, and Matt said that he didn't do it. And that the only reason he did say it was because he had to go to extreme measures. That it was the only way to get me to get over him and for me to get out of his life and to stop bothering him. Well, this is what I have to say to that. To get me out of his life? So the fact that HE WAS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME has nothing to do with it?!?! He was out of my life, but he put himself in it by picking up the phone for four nights in a row to call me. He didn't have to go through anything extreme to make me forget him. He didn't have to lie to me and act like a complete ass to me to get me to get over him. All he had to do was tell me that there would never be anything again between us and that I should just stop trying. I think that would be enough of a hint. He wanted to be my friend, which I was cool with. But he started leading me on by calling me a lot and shit like that. He also had the nerve to tell Rob that if I asked him if it was true, that he should just play along with it. He is doing this behind my fucking back. How could he?!?! I know exactly how, he is an asshole and a worthless piece of shit. I treated him right and I treated him with more respect than I could give anyone. I did everything for him and he turns around and pulls this shit on me. Well, I guess I will do one more thing that will please him. Here is your fucking pleasure Matthew Joseph Peacock........... I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! Mission accomplished. Don't fucking come crying to me when you realize that you will never get anyone as good as I was, and that you will never find a girl that will be faithful to you. You gave up the best thing in your life. And you know what, I am too fucking good for you, because I don't fucking play with people's emotions, I am honest and straight forward with what I feel. You make think now that I am just full of shit, but you will see. You will get yours, and the karma is going to come back strong. In the future, when you get your heart broken and you are alone and depressed, I hope you think about me and realize that if you had stayed with me and not fucked around with my feelings that you wouldn't have to go through that bullshit. But you gave me up. I am too good for you. I didn't throw my life away by dropping out of high school and working a stock room job just so you can make enough money to get out of your fucked up life. I am going to make something of myself, and I can't wait to see you in ten years when you still are a no one that still has the dream of becoming a rock star. When you see me later in life driving up in my nice ass car, when I pull away I want you to wish that you still had me in your life. And I hope you hate yourself for another one of your mistakes. |
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34 ~ Thurs - 3*25*04 - 7:24pm ~ HELLO... LOST!
I'm so confused. I thought shit was getting better, but it turns out that Matt blocked me. He calls me and everything is fine, and then all of a sudden online when I was talking to him, he gets pissed off and blocks me. I don't get it. And now there is all this fucking drama between me and him and me and everybody else. I just can't fucking win can I? It's always everyone having a problem with me. I just try to keep everyone happy and it backfires to where no one is happy with any situation. Can someone fucking help me out here?! |
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33 ~ Thurs - 3*25*04 - 1:21am ~ MISSING
I was sitting on the computer earlier talking to a bunch of people and my phone rang. Not knowing who it might be I answered like always and once again was surprised by a voice I longed to hear. Matt called me again tonight. It felt so nice and we laughed and had a great time. But then things got intense and I broke down in tears thinking about all the good times we had and how upset and lost I have felt without him in my life. I realized more than ever how much I miss him and how stupid I have been chasing after guys that can't hold my interest for two minutes. As I sat crying he tried every possible way to make me laugh and smile again. And like he has always been able to make me do, he made me laugh and smile. And doing that just made me realize why I started to love him in the beginning. There has never been a person in my life that was able to make me laugh while I cried, and even now he still can. I told him that I was sorry that I took him for granted while we were together and I was able to tell him everything I've been feeling in the past few days. He even said that there was a small part of him that missed me too. It makes me wonder, why does he miss me if I hurt him so bad that he fell out of love with me? I just don't know the answers to my questions anymore. I wanted to ask him if some part of him still loved me. But I couldn't ask because I was too afraid that the answer would be no. He is off limits to me. He has a girlfriend and I hate the fact that he does. I told him when I was with him my life was so.. and he finished my statement for me, perfect. It was perfect. I had everything I wanted, someone who loved me and cared for me, someone who motivated me, someone who made me feel like I was meant something. I miss the happiness I felt when I was with him. I even miss the arguments we had when he wanted to go to sleep. Because I realize now that all that little stuff wasn't that big of a deal. I rather deal with all that little stuff than not have him in my life at all. This is not my life. This is not what I want to be doing. I don't wnat to be dating anyone or looking for anyone else. My goal is to get him back because I want him back more then anything else in the world. Maybe I should pay more attention to my goal than on other distractions. Because that was what they are.. just something to distract me from what I truely want. I want Matt back. No one matters more than him. And I want to show everyone that, especially him. |
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32 ~ Wed - 3*24*04 - 12:46pm ~ GUIDANCE
The other day was one intense one. Matt randomly IMed me out of no where and I was fucking shocked. I thought he hated me. So, well, he told me that he read my journal to see how I was doing and everything, which again shocked the shit out of me. I didn't think he cared that much about me anymore. Then we got into this agrument (like usual). But this time it hit me. I was about to do something that would of ruined my life. Matt sat there, in his own way, and made it clear to me that I was stupid for even considering it. While that was happening he told me that he never wanted to be my friend because the real me came out and he hated it. I broke down. I was in tears. It all hit me so hard. I thought I lost him forever. I ran outside to have a cigarette because that seems to be the only thing that can calm me down. I came back and realized, he was right. I was being stupid and I shouldn't be. I IMed him to at least tell him what happened and that he was right. And surprisingly he IMed me back and he told me he said all that to make me realize that I was making a mistake. Again, I broke down in tears. He really cared about me. Once again, he made me smile while there were tears in my eyes. He just made it even more evident to me on why I fell in love with him in the first place. And, badly enough, all those fellings came rushing back after I spent so much time and tears getting ready to move on. He just keeps showing me what I gave up because of my stupidity and it hurts more as the days past. I thought it would get better but now I just long to kiss him and hold him again. And I know that won't happen, but it takes too much to get over someone like him. He was my guidance and my light, and I had him, and now, it's all gone. Later that night, I got even more of a surprise when my phone rang. It was Matt. Matt actually took the time out and called me. He thought about me. And I was in awe. I felt needed and loved even though it wasn't in the ways they once were. I still love him and as time goes on I start to hate the fact that I do. The only way I want to love him if he is mine, but he isn't. He is someone else's. |
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31 ~ Sun - 3*21*04 - 10:27pm ~ SHUT OUT, MOVING ON
Today I am able to take a deep breath and smile for a change. I haven't talked to Matt all day and I don't even have an urge to call him. I think giving up the tickets to the concert and him giving up the tickets to the hockey game took so much pressure off. Now, I know that I won't be seeing him for awhile and I think that makes everything so much better. I'm not sure I wanted to see him after what has happened between us. Though I keep telling myself that I don't want to lose him, I have to face reality and understand that I already lost him. He has a new girlfriend and I won't be apart of his life like I used to be. And it's kinda good though that I'm back in my dorm. Keeps me from calling him. So now it's all on him. We will see if he still wants to be friends. If he calls me then he does, if not, he obviously doesn't. But I am sick and tired of pining over someone that won't even give me the respect not to go get a new girlfriend a few days later. The kiss didn't bother me. But to go as far as jump into a new relationship, that makes him an asshole. I know I fucked up with some shit with him, but what I did wasn't as huge as what he is now doing to me. It's time I pick myself up and say fuck him. Because, it's not worth my time anymore. I tried. I honestly did. And I put all my eggs in one basket this time. And I was screwed. There must be someone better out there for me. I loved him so much, and I still feel for him. But I am not going to waste my feelings on someone who doesn't even care anymore. He doesn't care about me as a girlfriend or a friend because he doesn't have the deceny of even calling me. I need a guy that is going to love me for me. Everything about me. He could deal with me a lot better than most guys, but there was just somethings that he couldn't deal with that made him lose interest. Well, if he couldn't deal, I wasn't about to change for him. I need to change for me. That's if I even want to change. It was fun while it lasted. Matt, you told me that you would love me forever and that I made you smile and feel good about youself and that I was supportive of your decisions. I was that to you. But you lied to me. You stopped loving me. I supported what you wanted to do. Why couldn't you do the same? I believe it might be time to rekindle an old flame. |
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30 ~ Fri - 3*19*04 - 2:42pm ~ HELP ME
you make it hard to breath its as if i'm suffocating and when you're next to me i can feel your heartbeat through my skin it makes me sad to think this could all be for nothing i wish there was a way for you to see inside me i've never felt this way about anyone or anything tell me what do i have to do to make you happy what do i have to do to make you understand what do i have to do to make you want me and if i can't make you want me what to i have to do i know exactly what you're thinking but i swear this time i will not let you down i'm not as selfish as i used to be that was a part of me that never made me proud right now i think i would try anything anything at all to keep you satisfied god i hope you see what losing you will do to me all i want is one more chance so tell me what to i have to do to make you love me |
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29 ~ Sun - 3*14*04 - 6:34pm ~ POUR OUT MY HEART
This weekend must of been the worst weekend in my life. There is so much drama going on between me and Matt and I'm started to really freak out. I thought things were going to be fine. I admitt I fucked up and it's my fault that things are what they are now. I always told myself that I was doomed to be lonely because no one can really handle me. And I couldn't be more right. Granted, Matt and I haven't quite broken up yet, I just already know that I'm gonna lose him. I fucked up one too many times and he isn't going to stand for it. But what really gets me is the fact that we are still together, when he is telling his friends that we are broken up. I don't know what's going on. I am currently waiting for Matt to get home from band practice so that I can talk to him about this. It just feels like everything has gone so wrong. The one thing that I wanted in my life, the one thing I hoped I wouldn't fuck up. I did. My whole family adored him and it all seems to be going away ever so slowly because I am too stubborn and too thick to realize it. I thought everything was okay with me and him. We had a fight but we made up. The next day he even spilled his heart out to me about his situations and such. I thought everything was going to be fine then. Maybe this is happening because he doesn't want to make it seem like I can keep doing stupid shit and be able to be forgiven and have everything fine again. But I realize now, that I was stupid and selfish and I wasn't a good girlfriend. I want to show him that I am still the girl that he fell in love with. That I am still the one that makes him laugh and that I'm still the one that was the one good thing that happened in his life for quite some time. But I fear that my realization on all this is just one minute too late. The things that I've done have been done and I can't take them back now. All I am able to do is apologize and like Matt said, there should of been no sorry's to begin with. It seems as though all is lost. Matt was perfect for me in every way possible. He wanted me to be the best that I could be in everything I did. And he made me laugh and smile when no one else could. And everything was just so perfect. His friends and family loved me and my friends and family loved him. It seemed destinied to work. My happiness was handed to me on a silver platter. And I wasn't even able to hold it steady. There are moments where all hope seems to disappear. Granted I still wish that things will work out and that he will make the decision that he loves me enough to understand that I will do anything to make it up to him, but I'm not sure if that will be possible. I just have this feeling like things are over for us already. I don't want to lose him and I know it was me that did all those things to make me lose him. But I'm new at this true love thing. I'm not used to pleasing a guy in other ways than sexually. I fell in love with him because he was the perfect guy for me and I still believe that with all my heart. And I know that he is a delicate person and that I have to do my best to keep him from hurting from things I do. Enough is enough. I hope Matt at least gives me the chance to step up to the plate and show him that I was everything he fell in love with and more. |
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28 ~ Sun - 2*29*04 - 11:42pm ~ COULD I BE RIGHT?
It's been one month and three weeks since Matt and I started going out. And I always assumed in my past relationships that the guy I was with was going to be the one and all this other bullshit. But I believe, this time I am right. Matt has made my life so much better and all the depression that I felt and all the loneliness that I had all faded when Matt came into my life. I can honestly say that and not feel like I will have to take it back in a few weeks or even a few days. There has been so much stuff we have been through already. Some good, some bad, but it always seem we come out happy in the end. We are made for eachother. If Matt isn't the one that I am supposed to be with, then I don't know who is. Because this is too perfect. The way we can relate and the way we act together. Granted there are a few minor details that I dislike about him, it isn't anything that I wouldn't be able to over look when it really comes down to it. It really doesn't matter that he is less affectionate than I want him to be. I know now that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. There was some stuff that happened to me this weekend that made me realize that he couldn't be lying to me about loving me. There is no possible way he could. He cried. Something happened between us and he cried. A guy, that never cries, actually cried because we hit a really bad bump in our relationship. I was shocked and kinda relieved all at the same time. If he didn't care, there would be no possible way that tears would ever form. But they did. And if he didn't care and love me, there would be no possible way that we would still be together after what had happen. But he does and I do, and everything worked out for the best in the end. We are still together and still going strong. Our two month approaches and it seems just like another month in the time we will spend together. I know that this isn't going to be the last month. Everything is just so right. And I love him more than anything in the world. I know this time that I am right. Because there is no other way it could be. It just is. |
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27 ~ Mon - 2*09*04 - 11:11pm ~ SATISFACTION
This weekend must of been one of the best weekends of my entire life. Everytime I am with Matt my life is the best it can ever be. I went up to Matt's house this weekend to see where he lives and everything like that. I met his mom which I was so afraid to do. Matt told me that his mom has hated every single one of his girlfriends and I was afraid that she might hate me too. However, that wasn't the case. It turned out that his mom absolutely loves me. Not only does she loves me, she has called me her future daughter-in-law and has talked about the grandchildren she will have when Matt and I have kids. I was shocked and so was Matt. I was happy though because it makes everything seem so much more realistic. I love Matt with all my heart and this weekend just made everything so much more intense. Matt has been thinking about a serious future together and I have given it thought as well. There is nothing more perfect in my life. I couldn't be happier. This weekend was also our one month and everything between us is fine. My life has finally become what I wanted it to be. |
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26 ~ Mon - 2*02*04 - 8:22pm ~ PAST TO PRESENT
Today was an interesting day. Everything started fine. I woke up with Matt beside me, his arms wrapped around me. That nice warm feeling of having him here with me. I miss him so much now. I didn't want to see him leave. He basically lived here with me about five days. It was the best feeling in the world. In the last few hours that Matt was here. Suddenly, this guy from my past comes back. You all know who he is. The one that I couldn't stop babbling about in most of this journal. Well I got a random IM from him telling me that I was lucky that I didn't get my assed kicked at the party that I went to on Saturday. I was shocked, I didn't know why after all this time that he is going to start shit, saying that I was a lier and that I was a bitch. This asshole was fucking avaiding my space. I stopped talking to him since we went to break because I found someone that I really enjoyed being around. I put him out of my mind and I realized how happy I was without him. I felt like I could accomplish more if I wasn't attached to someone like I was. I realized how stupid I felt and how much of a disappointment I was to myself. And I found someone better that helped me feel like the person I want to feel like. Matt motivates me and I don't feel like I can't do anything. I love him so much and I want my past to go away. I liked it so much better that way. |
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25 ~ Mon - 1*19*04 - 10:31pm ~ MORE THAN HAPPY
Matt left a little earlier today. I have been keeping myself occupied by getting my school stuff ready for tomorrow and everything. At the train station today though I ended up crying on Matt's shoulder for several reasons. The most obvious I guess would be the fact that he was leaving and I really really didn't want to watch him go. I wish he was still here right now. I wish he would stay here with me forever, but I know that isn't going to happen. But like he said to me at the train station.. even though he isn't here he is still thinking about me. I also cried because I was worried about us. It isn't anything big. It's just that everytime I get this close to someone I always find out they lied to me about something. And I don't want it to happen in this case. I am so happy with Matt. I never thought I would find someone that is so much like me and that loves me just as much as I love them. But I have that and now that I have that I'm so afraid that I might lose it. And the thought of losing him kills me. I want to see us together in the future, and the way things are going, I don't see why we wouldn't be together in the future. He's my other half, my soulmate. There is no other way to describe it. We have so much in common it's absolutely amazing. He makes me smile all the time and when he doesn't see me smiling, he always finds a way that will make me smile. He is undescribable. I finally found my perfect match. And I guess I get so upset when I think is, like I said before, I don't want to lose him. I thought I had my perfect match with Joe. But so much shit happened between us, everything just wasn't working out. And I lost him. I'm not going to lose someone that is even better than that. "I never felt love until I fell for Matt." And I mean that. Without him, I would be lost. Even when I was still with Jake, I was so afraid that I was going to lose Matt. I even called Matt and cried to him telling him that. And he was supportive of me. He told me that I shouldn't worry about him because he would be fine. And I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I couldn't want it any other way. I love you Matt. Always and forever! |
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24 ~ Mon - 1*19*04 - 1:29am ~ FINE AGAIN
The last few weeks have been so wonderful. I finally found the perfect guy and everything feels so right when I'm with him. It's not that there is anything wrong with him. I find absolutely nothing wrong. It's just that some things bother me to the point where I feel that I might lose him and that is the one thing that I don't want to happen. I love him to much to lose him. I never felt so strongly about someone and I never felt so satisfied in a relationship. Let me explain myself a little more. Today Matt came to see me in my dorm. He's been here for quite some time and I've had the best time with him. It's nice to just sit alone in a room together and be able to do nothing and have the best time of my life. I never felt that with anyone else and I was so happy. And then one of his friends had to step in and start complaining about him being here and everything. I ever thought that his friend was really cool and it really hurt me to hear him say some of the things he did. And it's not that he was saying mean things about me. It's just that he seems pissed off that Matt has found someone that he wants to spend a lot of time with. And I'm so afraid that he is just going to go with what his friends say because it's happened before. I've lost people because of friends and everything. That's how I lost my first love. And I don't want to go through that pain again. I can't go through that pain again. I don't think that I will be able to survive that all over again. I hate having complications like friends in the way of me and whomever I'm with. I don't want him to give up all his time to come and see me. But that was his choice. I didn't force him to get on the train and that what bothers me so much. I feel like I am pulling him away from what is important in his life, like his friends. I don't want to do that either. I want to be the girlfriend that is caring and supportive but it seems like I can't do that. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what to do anymore. It seems everything that I try to do never does any good. I have so much on my mind and it sucks to have this on my mind now too. I love him so much and I don't want to see him go and I don't want him to lose his friends and have them hate them because he's here to see me. I just wish I could get something that was flawless once in my life. But everything has to go and turn around and fuck me over in some way. No matter how happy I am with him. And don't get me wrong... I couldn't be anymore happy having someone like him, but it's just that I don't want other people to pull us apart. That's my biggest fear. And I don't want to continue having to worry about shit like that. Just make it all go away. |
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23 ~ Sun - 1*11*04 - 6:50pm ~ WRONG AGAIN
A little update for all of you. While Jake and I were going out this guy IMed me from American Singles. I thought this guy would be another dick that didn't know how to read my profile, which specifically said that I was taken and not looking for anyone at the moment. But he had and all he was looking for was someone to talk to. No big deal I thought. So me and this guy, Matt, started talking. We talked for almost the entire night and I was shocked at how well we got along. I flirted with him really hardcore even though I knew in the back of my head that I was with someone else. But to me it was no big deal. It was only harmless flirting. Well, at first that was what it was. Two days later, Matt called me. I was even more shocked because I was surprised that he was even thinking about me enough that he wanted to talk to me. Once again, we talked for hours unend about everything and nothing. We got along so well it was amazing. And it seemed that everytime I was on the phone with him, my mind would totally block out Jake. Jake wasn't even a speck in my mind. From there Matt and I started talking every single night on the phone, it was becoming a ritual. And the more I found that Matt and I had in common the more confused I became. I kept telling myself that I can't start liking Matt because I had a boyfriend. But I just couldn't seem to help it. Matt made me smile and laugh more than Jake ever did. On Jan the 2nd, I told Matt something I thought I would never say again to any guy but Jake, I told Matt that I loved him. And surprisingly enough, after gaining the courage to say it, told me he loved me too. After that I tried to convince myself as well as Matt that I didn't mean it like I meant it when I told Jake. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed the other way around. On Jan the 4th I was once again talking to Matt. I was having a break down because I wanted to be with Matt so bad, but I was with Jake, someone that I thought I really cared about and that really cared about me. I was crying to Matt telling him how much I enjoy talking to him more and how much more we have in common. (Not only do Matt and I have more in common, but its actually FREAKY how much we do. There is actually only a few things that are different about us. We've only known eachother for a week or so and we already know what eachother is thinking and can finish eachother sentences as well as liking everything that the other one likes.) At the time I was crying to Matt I was also having some problems with Jake. When Jake and I would talk on the phone, there was absolute silenece most of the tiem. It was as though we had nothing to say to eachother at all. And when we did talk, the jokes that would spill from Jake's mouth were hurtful ones. I don't enough being hurt by the person that claims they love me. I told all this to Matt and Matt told me that I should just stay with Jake and that he would be fine and everything like that. Well, I decided that I was going to stay with Jake. That was until I confronted Jake about the things that were bothering me. We got into a huge fight over nothing and he decided that it was best we broke up. I was upset but in the back of my mind I was thrilled because I didn't have to make the decision on who to be with anymore. The answer was clear. I would end up with Matt, the person I wanted from the beginning. I actaully though decided that I would stay single because I wouldn't want to just jump into another relationship after Jake. But then I found out some things that made any feelings I ever had for Jake, just disappear. I found out from a friend that he said some interesting stuff after we broke up. This is what was said. Jake said that he believed the whole engagement was a big mistake. He said that I was hard to get along with and that he should of never asked me out so quickly because it wasn't like him. That stuff was all well and good. I could understand a lot of that. But this was the one that was the kicker. One of the main reasons Jake decided to go out with me was because my name is April and so was his ex's and that he wanted to be reminded of her. That just pissed me off. That was the moment I said fuck it, it isn't worth it. I told Matt what happened and he consoled me and made me laugh and smile once again. On Thursday Matt came over to visit me. While he was there Jake called. I confronted him about what was said and of course he denied that whole thing. Not only do I hate liars, but I hate finding out from someone else that someone lied. That was the end of it. That day, Matt asked me out. Of course I said yes, and since then I have talked to Matt every single night, he hasn't lied to me, and there has never been a moment where I wasn't smiling. He even came over yesterday to hang out and meet my mom. He had dinner with us and it was great. Matt is literally the best boyfriend ever. We never fight and he always calls me when he says he will and he comes and sees me a lot. He's even coming all the way here tomorrow just to see me. It's wonderful. I don't want to rush myself into any words because I don't want to have to eat them later but things are working out just fine between Matt and I. This could be it *knocks on wood* |
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22 ~ Fri - 12*26*03 - 9:42pm ~ WHAT TO SAY
Today was the first day I have blazed in quite some time. I'm not exactly sure why I did it but I did. Though I love the feeling of getting high, I actually thought about somethings and realized, it's not all that fun. When I'm sober I'm able to be productive and awake. When I'm fucked up, it's obvious that you can't do shit and you honestly don't want to. Smoking once in awhile would be fine, but like I was doing it, eh... it's not all what it's cracked up to be. Tonight I was actually faced with an interesting question. Jake asked me to marry him. I knew he was going to ask, but I didn't think that he would really mean it. As he told me how he thinks I am the most amazing girl in the world, you could hear the tears cracking in his voice. It is one of the warmness feelings in the world to know that I have found someone that truely loves me for me. So what did I answer you wonder. I know I may be too young to get married at this point, but I honestly don't see myself with anyone else. I have never been this happy and I've never had someone love me as much as Jake does. So I said yes. |
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21 ~ Thurs - 12*25*03 - 12:53am ~ CHRISTMAS, THE BEST EVER
It seems the best love stories are the ones that begin when it's completely unexpected. It could be possible that I too will be able to tell a love story of my own. I never thought that things will come to me by not looking for them. But it's at those moments where the most amazing things happen. It was two nights ago that everything was going wrong. I was blown off once again by someone that I should of never trusted to begin with. It was because of this I decided to go online. A familar ring sounded from my speakers: another IM from some asshole on American Singles I thought. If I only knew how wrong I would be. Conversation started and for some reason it was worth wild conversation. This so called asshole actually interested me. It wasn't until the nest morning I would realize how happy this one person could make me. Everything just started to fall into place. He was almost too good to be true, but no... it was the most honest feeling I could ever have. Here was this guy, Jake, a American Singles guy, that I couldn't help but fall for. Ever since that moment, I haven't felt any more satisfied. The feeling is indescribable and the happiness only seems to get better as the days pass. A girl that was so depressed and so hopeless has finally found her reason to open her eyes in the morning. She received the best Christmas present anyone could ever give her: to finally love someone and have them love her back just as strongly. |