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20 ~ Sun - 12*21*03 - 7:35pm ~ MAJORLY FUCKED UP
This last semester sure was a wake up call to reality. I went through so much the last two months and boy, did I fuck up big time. I wasted my time persuring someone that didn't even give me a second look, let alone a first. All the time I sat in his room wondering if he would ever look over at me and realize that I was the one was all in vane. I still want to believe now that I wasn't waisting my time, but I know I was. He doesn't look at me the same way he looks at girls he is interested in. He doesn't even talk to me like he does to his friends. What makes me think that I am one of his friends at all. I was just a girl that would give him ass when he needed it and when he didn't want something, I was useless to him. Even now, after we stopped having sex and after we seemed like we became really good friends, when I ask him if we are friends, he won't answer me. He doesn't say anything at all. It makes me wonder if I am really that stupid. And I stop and think a lot of the time that I am. I not only waisted my time with him when I could of had someone else, but I also fucked up royally in school. It was my first semester of college and I wanted to show everyone that I could do it. And I didn't. I failed someone my classes and got C's in the others. I never once failed a class and to fail one in college, that is just fucked up. And I know why I failed. I know why I decided that I wouldn't get up and go to my classes. Because of him. Because I thought it was more important to sit in his room every moment because I thought that maybe if I was there longer, that I would win him over. And I didn't. I failed my classes because I was blinded by him and I'm not even able to walk out of it with him on my arm. I fucked up so bad and I know it. I sit here and I know it. I knew it when I was sitting in his room. I knew I should of been going to class and getting the grades that I have always gotten. But I wanted him so bad. I thought that if I had him, nothing would matter. I would only be about us. But it isn't like that. I'm not that lucky. I'm not that lucky to find a guy that is perfect and everything I ever looked for and have them like me back. And I'm a fucking asshole for thinking that he would ever want a girl like me. I wish I was able to just forget about him, move on, and pay attention to more important things, like school. I will be able to pay attention to school more next semester because, not only did I make my schedule, but I won't have him as a distraction. He won't be there next semester. Though I will miss him horribly, at least I will be able to stay focused. I just wish it all didn't have to happen this way. I wish he saw the good in me, but he is too conceited for that. And I am too whipped to know otherwise. |
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19 ~ Wed - 12*17*03 - 2:08pm ~ HAPPIER THAN BEFORE
I know I haven't written in awhile, but I have been way too busy trying to study for exams and making the most out of the time left I have with some people before winter break starts. Well, to be perfectly honest, I have been trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Granted, I still like him and wish that he would get past liking everyone else, I'm kinda happy that we are what we are now, only friends. I miss the sex, god, don't get me wrong. I miss it with a passion. But it makes one wonder if all the arguing that happened during that time, was it all really worth it in the end? Lately, he has been really into this girl and he has been getting "favors" from her, meaning, he doesn't need any from me. Very disappointing. But our friendship is a lot better. All day yesterday we hung out. He actually woke me up several time in the middle of the night just to say something to me. He even woke me up at 6:30 in the morning so that I could go to breakfast with him at 7. We hung out smoking cigarettes together and it was really fun. We got into several snowball fights and he kicked my ass, it seemed, everytime. It was the first time in a long time that me and him laughed together. Honestly, I don't remember back to a time that we did. But being around him more and more doesn't help the fact that I already like him. I've watched what he is like around the girls that he has crushes on and I hurt so deep inside watching it. Awhile ago, I always thought that he possibly liked me and had a crush on me. Well, after seeing him with girls that he really does, I don't think I could of been any more wrong. I desire so badly for him to be like that with me, but all I can see is us being friends. It hurts so bad knowing that when I come back from winter break, he won't be here. He decided that since he is a brother at DKE that he wanted to move into the house next semester, meaning, he will be leaving me behind. It will be difficult to hang out with him and it will be difficult to get him to talk to me since, well, he hardly talks to me online or on the phone as it is. And I'm sure he will be too busy with all his girls and all the other brother's that he won't have time for the little time on the computer that he has when he is here. I'm gonna miss him and I don't think he realizes that I'm being honest when I've told him that before. Last time I told him that all he said was yeah yeah with that big smile on his face. I think he knows I will miss him but I don't think he knows how much I truely will. I will miss everything about him. I will miss the way he made me wait when I wanted to go out to smoke a cigarette with him. I will miss the way he would come into my room and just close the door and ask if I would give him head. I will miss the way I would try to never leave his room just because I liked staring at him. I will miss the way he started being with me, the friendship that we were finally able to develope. I will miss the way he would smile and the way he would stare at his computer and the way he would sleep in his bed at night and the smell of his clothes as I layed my head down to sleep. I will miss the way he would yell at me if I ever did anything wrong to him, but most of all I will miss the way he would reassure me that he will be back. Because this time, he won't and those reassuring words would always make me smile because somewhere deep down, I knew he cared, even for a brief moment, I knew he cared. I don't want him to leave and if I could convince him otherwise I would, but I know I can't. Hopefully because he isn't living here, he will talk to me more online and such because I just don't live down the hallway anymore. I hope he never forgets me because everyone knows, the worst thing is to be forgotten. If nothing else, all I ask is to never be forgotten. Because no matter how many years go by, I will never forget him. |
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18 ~ Sun - 12*07*03 - 5:05am ~ WAKE UP CALL
It took me the rest of this week to finally give up. I gave in to everything I shouldn't be giving in too. I still love him with all my heart, but I realized that there isn't a point anymore. I asked him if he would ever consider me as a girlfriend and he told me that he didn't want a girlfriend. I know that he doesn't want ME as a girlfriend. There are just some things that you have to give up on before it completely ruins everything that you may ever have. I told him this: i know you're pissed off at me.. because of what people came up to you and said.. that wasn't my fault.. that wasn't my doing.. i just want you to be happy.. i want me to be happy.. and everything will be perfect.. i've realized why you won't kiss me and i understand that.. i don't care what you want from me anymore... right now all i want is a fuck buddy.. and i'm sorry for all the drama and the bullshit that i've put you through.. and i'm sorry for starting to feel anything for you.. you'll never like me.. and i've come to realize that there just isn't a point in trying to get you to... so can we just stop all this stupid shit.. (the fighting, the not talking, the me having feelings for you) so that we can all be happy.. fuck buddy.. no strings attached.. because i'm getting over you as something more than a friend.. but that doesn't mean i want to stop having you as a friend.. so like i said.. fuck buddy no strings attached...... It's the only thing I have left. He told me that he was cool with having me as a fuck buddy. I know why he stopped having sex with me the past few days. It was because he knew I felt something for him and he felt weird fucking me because he knew it meant something more to me. It will always mean something more to me until I am finally over over him. Love is a hard thing to get over and I know I love him. But the hardest things to get over are usually the best things for you. At least he isn't completely waking out of my life. I know that if I continued all this, then he would of left. He doesn't want to have to deal with the drama and everything. All he wants is someone that he can fuck when he can, and be able to talk to and hang out with. He doesn't want the attachments and I think that started to scare him. So here it is. I have to do the hardest thing in my life, but I think it will be well worth it. I shouldn't want a boyfriend. But the idea of one has always had me so blind. Well, I woke up. I don't need one to keep me happy. All I need is someone like him to be able to have as a friend and as someone that I could hook up with when I'm feeling the need to. He's a great guy. And like I told my friends before. If sex and feelings never got involved and we just ended up as friends, then he would be the greatest person to be friends with. It's not like he's a bad guy, he just doesn't want someone he just wants as a friend to get attached to him. That puts him in a bad postion and it puts the other person in a bad position because there becomes an weirdness between the two. Well, I'm done with that. He said buddies, so let's put on the buddy face and try to fit the urge to want him as anything more than what he wants it to be. |
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17 ~ Sat - 11*29*03 - 8:41pm ~ DO I REALLY WANT MORE?
Being home and seeing all my old friends has really given me a new perspective on myself. I've talked about him to most of my friends back here and even though they are unable to give advice, just talkng about it seems to help. I'm not sure anymore if I really want something more with him. It is so impossible to reach that stage with him that I think I am stressing myself out more than I should be. If I'm happy with what I have now, should I really desire something more out of it? It's hard to decide. I honestly don't want to have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with having a boyfriend and I definitely don't want the stress of thinking he might be cheating on me. He is a wonderful guy and I love him to death, but to want him as a boyfriend, I'm just not sure. I would love to be able to call him mine, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't seem like that will ever happen. If I knew that we would end up together at some point, I would definitely continue making the effort to get him. But I don't think I really want to tired myself out anymore. I've tried for months to get him to like me like that and nothing has changed. All we have become is better friends and that isn't what I was looking for at first. But now that I look at it, why do I want him as a boyfriend? I have everything I want right now. He's my friend, we can hang out, and we do everything that a couple would do, without having all the attachments that comes with being with someone. It even seems that he is happy with having just me as well. I asked him over this weekend if he got laid since he was home and he said he didn't. I asked him if he wanted to get laid and he said no. He also mentioned how he missed the sex that we have. Obviously, he is happy with us doing what we do and it seems that he doesn't really want anyone else to be like that. I know how guys like him are; I've been with some. He wants someone that is going to care about him and that is going to take care of him, not only sexually. What he doesn't want is someone that is going to bitch at him about not calling her, or not taking her there, or keeping him from doing what he wants. And I guess he finds that in me. I care about him and I believe I take care of all his needs. But I don't pressure him to call me and I definitely don't stop him from doing what he wants to do. For all I care, he could be off fucking someone chick right now. Who am I to stop him? I have no right to tell him not to do things and what to do, and I think that he likes that because he is getting his cake and eating it too. And honestly, what person wouldn't like that? I guess it's time for me to just forget about being his girlfriend because it's obvious that it won't go there and who am I to force a guy to have something he doesn't really want? |
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16 ~ Thurs - 11*27*03 - 12:23pm ~ CHANGE OF EVENTS
Sitting at home is nothing what it used to be. I used to love to be home to just sit there if nothing else. Home was always home to me, yet it seems that the longer I am at college, the more home feels like a place I shouldn't be. I just got home last night for thanksgiving break and about an hour from when I was there I got bored and didn't know what to do with myself. I have no friends here that I would really like to hang out with. It seems that all my friends are the ones that I made when I went to college and I don't mind that. I love the people that I now go to school with and I miss them already. But the last few days have been quite interesting for me. In the last week, I don't think I spent a total of 2 hours in my room. I didn't even sleep in my room for two nights. I was happy sleeping on the couch in his room. It was nice to wake up and see his face right across the room from you. It's kinda like my way of keeping track of him. I mean, I know where he is all the time as it is, but to wake up next to him just gives me that extra feeling of comfort and happiness. It's nice to wake up and then later see that one person, but it's even better to literally open your eyes and see them. I've talked to a lot of people about what I've been feeling for him and they all say that they are surprised someone could feel that strongly for another person. That actually scared me. Granted, I love feeling this feeling for someone, I hate feeling it knowing they aren't feeling it back. I want him to feel what I feel so bad, but I know it will never or almost never happen that way for me. But that's alright. I think I can live with what I have right now. Honestly though, I've been getting and having mixed feelings about him. I know what I feel is true, but there are times where I think that maybe all this is stupid and I shouldn't be doing it. But that doesn't last very long because I just look at him and everything bad seems to melt away. His feelings are complicated as well. I get mixed signals from him and I hate it. There are times where I think he hates me and he wants nothing to do with me and then there are times where everything is fine and we are laughing and having a great time. You might say it's because of the sex or whatever, but the times he is nice are the times when he isn't looking for sex. It's the time where sex is involved that those other feelings start. It's very weird and for once in my life, I am not able to read this or to manipulate things so I can get my way. It sucks but I think that maybe a little time will fix everything. I still hope that he will ask me out one of these days. Even last night on the phone before he left, he mumbled something and then stopped. He was thinking of something to say, but he didn't finish it. Then he told me that he would talk to me later. It's interesting though. When we are together in person he seems fine with me. Kinda quiet, but still fine. Online, however, he hates me. I mean, he hardly speaks and I wonder why. He might think there is nothing to talk about, but if he isn't talking back, I don't know what to say to get him talking to begin with. I am happy though. It's nice to be able to be close to someone like I am right now. But I always wish I was closer emotionally to him then physically. I like the physical stuff, trust me, I LOVE the physical stuff, it's just that because my emotions are involved, I was hoping that maybe so would his. It would just make things easier for me. But lately we have hang out a lot more and I'm hoping that the time we spend together he will realize how much he likes it so when he is away from me, he will see how much he misses having me around. Hard to do, but it's worth the try. I mean, I don't have interests in anyone else right now, so might as well try my hardest with him until I find someone that I find more interesting, more challenging. Which, sadly, I find unlikely. Just have to keep working at this one. Maybe something more will come of something less. |
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15 ~ Sun - 11*23*03 - 8:38pm ~ SO HAPPY
All weekend I missed him so much. I had nothing to do most of the time because I wasn't able to sit in his room and just watch him play around on the computer. So when I woke up this morning I was excited because I knew he would be back soon. I was just getting finished getting dressed and I turn around and who is at my door? He is, looking fine as hell. I was one of the first people he came to see when he got back and I felt honored. He hung out in my room for a little while before we started to hook up. It was an amazing feeling having him come back from home and the first thing we do when we see eachother is hook up. Once again, it was amazing. It lasted so long and it felt so good. Even afterwards, he stayed in my room just watching TV while I fixed myself up because, I was looking a mess. Then we went outside and smoked a cigarette. Later on today, he came by my room so I could see his car. He's got a really nice car. Then again, I wouldn't expect anything less. He's a huge car person. Either way, it was nice seeing his face today. I honestly missed him a lot. And you know it's bad when all you dream about anymore is him. But I like it. It's a comforting feeling having someone that you're close with like that. I know we my not be the most talkitive of friends, but we do talk, and lately, it's been a lot more and I love it. I hate it when all my friends tell me I should stop doing what I'm doing. But they don't understand that I am happy with the whole relationship that we have. I wouldn't want to change it because I'm hoping that if things keep going this good then something more will happen. I don't expect anything more to happen, but if it does, it does. And what I find really fucked up is the fact that all these friends that are saying I shouldn't be doing shit with him anymore are the ones that are having really really bad problems with guys here. I'm not having problems with him, I'm happy with him, so why I should I listen to people that can't even get their own lives straight? Like my friend Gabe said, a newbie shouldn't tell a smoker how to smoke. Well, *kisses* to my baby. Love ya! |
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14 ~ Fri - 11*21*03 - 2:44pm ~ A LITTLE DENIAL WITH THAT COFFEE?
What is someone supposed to do when a random person starts talking shit about you? Tell them off would be my first guess. But how are you supposed to tell someone off when you don't even know who they are? Last night someone was talking shit about me saying it came from him. Obviously, I was pissed. So I decided that I would confront him and let him know what is going on. Well, of course, he denied the whole thing. I wasn't expecting anything less. It's hard to tell who is telling the truth. I can't trust someone that won't even tell me their name and I can't trust him because he just doesn't seem the type to be trusted. I know he lies about a lot of shit, but personally, I think this time might be a little different. I can understand him not liking me or not thinking I'm the most gorgeous girl in the world, but to drop to the level of saying "[I] wanted to put a bag over [her] face" I believe is unlikely. Even if he did say it, I don't think he meant it for a few reasons. One, he knows how good looking he is and he knows he can get any girl if I really wanted her. So why would he continue to fool around with someone he found repulsive? He isn't that desperate to drop his standards. He even has told me that he likes the sex and the blowjobs. And I honestly believe that is true. If he didn't like it, why would he continue to want it and do it? I know I may not be the perfect girl to him; I don't think I'm even the perfect girl to myself. But let me put it this way. If you can have anyone you want, why fuck someone you don't like fucking? Obviously, he may not be attracted to me completely, but he has got to like how it feels at least. I speak from experience. There has been guys that I've fucked because I was horny and the sex really sucked. I never hooked up with that person again. Why? Well isn't it obvious? Because you don't hook up with someone that you don't like hooking up with. I have had really good sex with people that I wasn't attracted to, but I kept fucking them for the pure reason that it felt good. Sex and anything sexual, adds a whole new level of emotions. If there is no complete physical attraction between two people, but the sex feels really good, sex is going to continue. It's very easy to close your eyes and enjoy the feeling. You don't have to be fucking the most gorgeous person to still enjoy the sex. That is why I think that he actually didn't say much of what this random person told me he said. Logically, it doesn't make sense. And if all that was true, I don't understand why we keep hooking up. If he hates it so much, I would figure he would stop. I don't believe he's that stupid though. He knows how to get what he wants, and he knows how to play his game. And for this random person to say that I don't realize I'm being used, is pure bullshit. I enjoy fucking him, I enjoy giving him head, and I enjoy giving him anything he wants at anytime, and not because I have feelings for him but because I am as sexually driven as he is. Sex is sex and that is what we are doing, we are having sex. Just because two people fuck doesn't mean they have to fall in love with eachother, because we all know that most people that you do end up having sex with, you definitely don't love. So how can I be the one being used? Does that random person think that I really don't like doing all that shit and I do it just to please him? LOL! Definitely not. Everything I do benefits me. I look out for the only person that matters, myself. Even if he thinks I'm disgusting, I still get what I want, to have really good sex and to suck a very beautiful dick. I know he likes it or he wouldn't continue. There are just too many senerios here. I heard two sides of a story that don't agree. The only question here is, who should I believe? Should I trust someone that I don't know and never spoke to? Or should I trust a guy that is known as a liar? That's the problem. I don't think I should trust either one. I think I should just continue what I'm doing, scope out some things, and put it all in the back of my mind for later use. You know it goes. All that information that you don't think you will need, you will. Just maybe not at this point. I'm sure more shit is going to happen. What is going to happen after that, I don't know. But right now the test is if me and him end up hooking up again tonight. If we do, then he isn't scared by what other people have been saying. If he doesn't hook up with me and acts really weird around me, I figure that he must be the one lying and the shit that was said was right. Then again, he can always play his game and play it off like he didn't say that shit, when he really did, and continue to do what we have been doing. It's all too much to consider. I'm seriously going to go crazy one day trying to figure out the solution to every problem. |
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13 ~ Thurs - 11*20*03 - 10:45am ~ STARTING OFF RIGHT
What can I say, what better way to start off the morning then to awaken and see that special person's face? It was his face that I saw this morning. The way his tired eyes looked up at me from the warmth of his bed. The way he mumbled, "stay here for two minutes." The way he acknowledged me before he left for class: walking by my toom so we can leave together. The way he looked back at me with that same longing expression he gives me when I sit next to him in his room. The way he stepped off the bus into the fresh morning. It was nice to feel apart of something, almost special to someone you never thought viewed you as anything more than a person. It's strange for me to sit here in class wondering if he's thinking about me as well. I can see his face staring up at the front of the room, his eyes half opened, half closed, his head in his hands, his feet up on the chair in front of him, his body slouched in a low comfortable position. But what thoughts run through his mind? What person does he day dream about? Is he thikning about our last hook up? Is he thinking about our next? Is he even thinking aboutme at all? To say yes would be too pompus. I do soubt if his mind ever wanders to me when I am not around. Yet, then again, when I played Nikki, the first name he mentioned when "Nikki" told him to bring somone close to him, someone special, was mine. The question that still lingers in my mind is, why me first? Why was I the one he thought of at that moment, why was it my name that escaped from his lips? Then to see him at other times I wonder if how we are is anything beyond the solid bond we hold now. I seem to lack the traits to get certain treatments from him. I don't get a <3 and a muah through AIM. But to consider the other position, I am the one he hangs out with and the one that will come in my room at 6:30 in the morning to ask me to wake him up the next morning. I am the one he leaves notes on his door for. I am the one that will push his mind to the limit. But am I the one that makes his heart continue to beat? |
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12 ~ Wed - 11*19*03 - 3:00am ~ MY BODY SHAKES
Who in their right mind would pay 70 dollars for a friend to do shrooms? I have no idea, but I guess I would have to say that I must be that idiot. Yesterday, I wanted him and me to trip out together, so I spent money that I really don't have so that we can. Granted, it was one of the most amazing nights I think I ever had. Not only have I never gotten that high in my entire life, I never had sex like that either. It was rough and passionate and intense and amazing and if I knew any better adjectives to use, I would definitely be putting them at the end of that list. There was just something about it that made it different for all the other times me and him had sex and from all the other times I had sex in general. If I could do that night all over, I would keep on replaying it again and again and again. Lately I've been feeling very blunt. I literally just told him this: Can I pull you away from your work for 5 minutes so I can give you a stupid blowjob and we all get move on with our lives. Even last night, I was the one that started the whole thing. I refused to leave before I sucked him off and what happened was we ended up having sex. Hey, I'm not complaining. Nothing to complain about. And I'm really starting to get sick and tired of his stupid games and I have, several times, come close to just telling him fuck all this I can't deal with the games anymore. But I always know in the back of my mind, that I would never be able to let him go. I like him too much and I love the sex too much too. It sucks to be in love and not want to be. It would be so much easier for me to just want to fuck someone and not have all those feelings that I have now. Fuck buddies is so much easier. But of course, that's not how I had to work things. I had to fall for him and it sucks, yet at the same time, I am happy with what has happened. It's a crazy fucked up world I make myself live in and I always have to take the most complicated route out of all the ones I could of taken. But I like the challenge. It makes you feel better when you reach your goal in the end, and hopefully, this goal isn't out of my reach. |
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11 ~ Sun - 11*16*03 - 9:59pm ~ OUT OF CONTROL
Where to begin? I haven't had the time to write because I have been too busy trying to figure out all my feelings and then trying to understand why I am doing all this to begin with. He went home for the weekend and I honestly feel really lost without him here. I have come to realize that what I am feeling for him is more than I ever thought that I would ever feel for anyone. I don't want to feel like this though. It's hard to think about someone and know that you can't have them, and even if that is where everything was going, you still aren't sure if that is what you want. Don't get me wrong, I am completely in love with him. But to want to him as a boyfriend isn't the best thing. He isn't the type to have a girlfriend and I don't want to be the one that he is cheating on if we do end up going out or whatever. I am hoping that I will be the one girl that he wants to be faithful with. However, I don't think that will ever happen. We are very very close now and we ended up hooking up again. I thought that we would never do that again, but as I sat in his room longer and longer, things just started to click again and then there we were on his bed, doing what we always do. He's my addiction. He's my habit, a habit I don't want to break, yet at the same time, it kills me to keep doing this. I sit in his room day after day and think to myself, just ask me out. Please, just ask me out. It seems he has been looking at me a little differently, and I'm so afraid that I am getting all my hopes up for nothing. Is he really worth all this? In my heart, I know it keeps telling me yes. Yet, there is still a part of me that wonders if I am just wasting my time. I don't want to come out of this with nothing. I want to come out of this with him to call mine. All this would be so much easier if I was able to ask him all these questions and actually have him truthfully answer them all. Last time I asked him shit we got into that huge fight. He told me that he didn't find me attractive and that he didn't like me like that. He does like me as a friend. That was before we got into that fight, made up, and then started to hook up again. I still wonder if I am the girl that he is hooking up with because he likes me and wants to, or just because he happens to be horny at the time, and I happen to be a girl there that is willing to do whatever he wants. Why can't everything be less complicated? It would make so much more sense if he wasn't with his current girlfriend and he asked me to be his girl. I would of course say yes, even though I would know he wouldn't be completely faithful to me. I am willing to take that risk because I truly fell for him. But sometimes, I hope that all this will stop and I will get what I want so then I won't have to keep wondering where all this is going to go. |
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10 ~ Tues - 11*11*03 - 1:07pm ~ TO SIT AND WONDER
So, last night. *Shakes head* The many things I wonder about things that happen to me. I woke up pretty early yesterday morning, look online and find him still up. He never went to bed that night. I went through my boring ass day, and at 8 he wakes up from a long nap. We end up going to get something to eat together, eating together, and hanging out most of the day. Well, technically, it was all night. He didn't have to go out last night, so I just spent some quality time with him in his room. Smoking cigs together and everything. About 5:30 in the morning, I was still high and still really fucked up on the caffenie I had taken earlier. But it was going away and I was getting mostly bored. So I told him I was going to bed and he was like now? And he was like, well I wanted a cig, so I decided I was still up and a cig would be nice, so we went outside to smoke. We came back to his room and I was like alright I'm going to leave. He was like, wait up a minute. Me hearing him say that before, I figured he would want something from me and I was like alright, I'll wait until he is done playing around on his computer, I would do my thing, and then I would be able to go to bed. But that isn't at all how it happened. I stayed and he just kept playing on his computer. Another few minutes went by and he didn't move. Finally, he gets up from the computer and was like, alright, I'm going to bed, meaning, I have to leave. He told me that he'd see me later, and we were off on our seperate ways. It was the weirdest shit that ever happened. It's funny to think that he asked me not to leave, just so I would be there with him. He didn't want anything from me, so why exactly did he ask me not to leave? The only option could be that he just plain wanted to hang out with me longer. Our relationship is very interesting to say the least. I'm enjoying hanging out with him better then what we used to do. It's kinda nice to be close (in a nonsexual way) to someone. I hope this lasts, or even become better. |
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9 ~ Sun - 11*09*03 - 11:18pm ~ BATTLE OF THE __??
How messed up can one weekend really get? I don't believe how much can happen in the span of two days. Shit went on. Me pretending to be someone I'm not to him, him getting mad about it, me posting signs on his door. It got completely out of control. It seemed we were in a battle of wits and we weren't sure who was going to win. Finally, I think we made a truce and things are back to normal. Normal, yet very very different. He's different around me, nicer, yes, but not only that. Just this different niceness. I have no objections, I actually really like it like this. We're cool again and I'm happy that he isn't going to be mad at me forever like I thought he was going to be. There was a point there where I thought that I would never talk to him again. He kept telling me that he wanted me to die and everything like that and now it's alright, or at least I think it is. Well, whatever happens. Can't really force the obvious. |
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8 ~ Thurs - 11*06*03 - 1:22am ~ LOST WITHOUT
For the past two days I have hardly even spoken to him. I saw him once yesterday and we only saw each other briefly today. It really sucks. We are suddenly back to the beginning. Granted he seems more comfortable with me, he got really quiet again. I'm having trouble reading him. He's more complicated than I want him to be. He's making work for everything that I want from him. But he knows damn well that he wants this. He came by last night when he was stoned as hell and I know what he was looking for. He is always looking for something sexual when he's high. I wish I was up at that point. I'm really hoping that I will be able to see him tonight while he's high. Maybe he will give in and give me what he knows he wants too. I miss him. I really do. I miss the sex and the flirting and shit like that. It feels like we are so apart now and I hate that. I spent all that time trying to get us closer. And we finally were, now we have to take some steps back and try it all over again. Just take all this day by day. Maybe one day it will hit and come back. |
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7 ~ Tues - 11*04*03 - 10:24am ~ HATE TO FEEL PAIN
Yesterday seemed so unreal. I woke up having to wake him up, so the first thing I see is his face. It was amazing. If we both weren't in class we were together. I felt special, I felt like his girl. He wasn't afraid to talk to me and it was nice to constantly see his face. But last night my dreams and hopes all came crashing down. I wanted to hook up with him again but for some reason he was avoiding it and I was shocked. I felt rejected by someone who I thought liked me, someone that never rejected me, not like that at least. I decided I would take matters into my own hands. I needed to know what was going on because it felt as though all my ideas of what we were was very skewed. For once I was right, I was wrong in my views. I asked him, in so many words, what we were. It came to the conclusion that I was nothing more to him than a fling. Every feeling that I thought he had for me, well, he didn't. I'm still not sure why he suddenly started being very nice to me and he couldn't tell me either. He said, basically, he wasn't happy with what we had, that yesterday we did nothing sexual but it was a good day nonetheless. I agreed, but if we did do something secual I really don't think that would have made the day bad, maybe a little more complete. Anyway, he decided that our "fling" or whatever the fuck it was, was over. He said he doesn't want to do it anymore. Granted we both agreed we enjoyed it greatly. I fell. My heart broke, my dreams were shattered. I was in denial. How can all those actions be nothing? I'm usually good at reading people and I completely read something totally different. I can't stop thinking about him and I can't help myself but to think that this isn't the way it's supposed to be happening. I cry all the time. I currently sit here and cry writing this. It's strange to me to start getting along with someone so well, spend an entire day together and end up being told, "It was nothing really." *Shakes head* I have trouble believing that. I'm not sure what to do now though. I hurt so much that I'm afraid if I hang out with him, I will start to hurt more. But then again, I don't want to stop seeing him. If I do still do what I do without the sex stuff, we might become really really close. Even if I don't get anything out of this but to have a really good friend, then that is all well and good. It would have been worth it. He is worth it. And that's what sucks so much. He is so much like me, it's odd and I like him so much that anything that happens was worth it. If we do stop talking, I will always hold what we once had in my heart. But I honestly don't think that will be the case. We're too close now, can't stop that anymore. I'm so afraid that I might actually be in love with him. I never felt like this before. It's weird to think you love someone before you feel something for someone else and then you question if you ever really loved that other person because what you feel for this new guy is so intense that you aren't sure what it is. My roommate came up to me and told me that I was talking in my sleep. I haven't spoken in my sleep since I was very very very very young. She said I mentioned him. Things like that just make me wonder even more, I think this is the real thing, and am I really prepared to lose everything I worked so hard for. |
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6 ~ Mon - 11*03*03 - 4:58pm ~ DUMBFOUNDED
I couldn't be anymore confused then I am right now. This morning was one of the worse mornings ever and I honestly thought it would be completely over with me and him. We got into a stupid fight and I was pissed at him and what was going on between us. But I went back to his room and everything was cool. I mean, damn, everything was more than cool. He told me that he didn't think I was attractive and I personally don't care if he does or not. It's really weird how he never hooks up with girls that he doesn't find attractive. So that kinda threw me off. I have two ideas in my head of what this all could be. No need to share them here. We have been hanging out a lot and I really enjoy it. We actually hold conversations now. They are always about stupid shit, but at least we can speak to eachother now. I think we both are still getting used to talking to eachother. It's like, we don't really know what to say, but we both want to talk. It's just a matter of time before we will be cool as hell, not saying that we aren't now. I am actually very very happy with what we have right now. It's so much like a relationship but in so many ways it isn't. It's the perfect balance between friends and something more. It's very nice and I have been very very happy with it all. I do have my moments where I freak out, or he freaks out, but in the end we are fine. It all makes one think, if it's like this now, where are we going to be at the end? |
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5 ~ Mon - 11*03*03 - 10:32am ~ THAT WAS FUN
I'm honestly starting to get irritated with that phrase: That was fun. I'm sick and tired being the one that is merely entertaining him. I love doing what I do but I can't take the lack of attachment he feels for me. He told me last night that it is what it is. No one will ever know how much that made my heart sink. After all this time I just ended up being the step-on, once again. He did the same thing I would do to other guys. He used the feelings I had for him to his advantage. He knew I was falling for him and he still uses those feelings to get everything that he wants. And I'm dumb enough to let him do it to me. The most fucked up part is that I know what he's doing, I'm watching his tricks, but I can't say no to him. It's gotten to the point where I feel so attached I'm afraid if I say no once, he might walk away and I would lose the little that we do have. I'm just hoping that maybe if I stick around, the attachment, even the little bit that he does have, will grow into something more than just having fun with me. So what the fuck am I supposed to do to do that? I've been trying and it seems the results are little to none. Maybe it's time for me to step up my game, play a little ball on my field now. |
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4 ~ Sun - 11*02*03 - 10:56pm ~ AFRAID TO FALL DEEPER
I'm really starting to scare myself now. I think I'm falling deeper and I hate it because I don't want to. The only time I want to fall like this for someone is when they are falling right back into the same thing with me. I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe I am nothing to this guy, nothing more than a girl that is willing to give him everything that he wanted. But it seems to me that he is acting more like he has some sort of feelings for me because we have gotten closer. But I don't want to misjudge. It would be nice if I was able to sit him down and actually ask him straight up what he was feeling, but he isn't the type that would actually answer that. He has been avoiding a lot of questions and though I feel he is more comfortable with me than before, I still feel like he isn't all there. I haven't even yearned that special spot on his buddy list yet. Well, then again, every time I IM him, he doesn't answer them anyway. I just don't know. He is so hot and cold and I don't want to make a fool of myself because I gained feelings for him when I was nothing more to him than a fuck buddy. I wouldn't care if he just wanted me as a fuck buddy. It would make it easier for me because than I wouldn't be gaining as much feelings for him as I am now. Maybe one of these days we will actually talk and everything will be sorted out. Hopfully sooner than later. |
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3 ~ Sun - 11*02*03 - 3:22am ~ CAN'T STOP
Waiting is one of the worst things that I think I could possibly do right now. I hate to sit and wait for someone to get back when you don't even know when they are going to get here or if they ever will. It's interesting thinking about that. That could mean so many things right now to me. I may be physically waiting for someone to get back from a certain place and then again, I could also be waiting for something to happen with someone. I can't stop myself from waiting. It seems that I might wait forever for him to come around. I'm not sure why I want to wait, there are always guys around, what makes him the special one? It's hard to explain. I have heard a lot of people call him an asshole and shit like that, and I sit there listen to it and I'm not at all sure if I should defend him. But I know in my mind I completely disagree with them. I wonder why they think that because I know I'm not blind and I'm fairly good at picking up when someone is a pure asshole. Trust me, there are a lot of assholes around here, but he isn't. *Shrugs* But the worst part about all of this is, no matter how hard I try not to think about him, I always end up having him on my mind. Lately, especially the last few days have been like that. I'm not sure if he thinks the same thing, but I honestly feel that we have gotten a lot closer, physically if nothing else. We have our stupid fights and everything, but things always end up clearing up. I actually really hate when we fight. It makes me feel like I did something wrong and I hate not knowing what it was. *Shakes head* I really don't know anymore. My thoughts are so fucked up. I just keep thinking and I can't stop myself. Though I love the thoughts of him and I love the fantasies I have about him, I sometimes wish the thoughts would just go away. Right now, I feel so attached. It sucks but at the same time, I'm loving it. I like this feeling. I really really do. Shit happens, right? |
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2 ~ Sat - 11*01*03 - 7:45pm ~ WASTED NIGHT
I currently sit at my computer, feeling a hell of a lot better than I did this morning. I was throwing up and hung over earlier today, but I did have the best time of my life last night. But on to different thoughts. I have been thinking a lot about my situation with this guy. I'm more confused than ever. This guy isn't the type that should have a girlfriend. He likes to hook up and have the time of his life and there is nothing wrong with that. We are in college. That is what we are supposed to do. But to hold on to a girlfriend during all that, just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. So I was thinking a lot about possibly becoming this guys girlfriend. I know it might sound stupid since he has already cheated on his current girlfriend several several times but that is not at all the case. I want to be the perfect girl for him. Get this: I want to be the girl that he is with, but because we are together, I wouldn't stop him from partying and hooking up with the people that he wants to. Why? Because no matter what, he's not going to stop and I wouldn't expect him to. He would be getting what he wanted, a girlfriend that doesn't mind him doing his own thing, as long as he is honest about shit. And in all this, I would know that I would be the one that he would be coming back to. So what is stopping him from being with someone that would give him everything he wanted and more? I'm not sure and I'm just too afraid to ask him. I honestly wish I was his girl, everything would seem like it would work out better than what is it right now. But then again, who am I to decide what is better for him? I can't and I won't. That is all on his shoulders. If we continue the path that we are going, I will be happy with that as well. It's just sometimes deep down I wish there was something more between us. Isn't it nice to dream? |
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1 ~ Thurs - 10*30*03 - 11:45pm ~ FALLING IN LOVE
It makes one wonder, is falling in love really like this? Lately, my time here at Rutgers has been slow. I haven't felt a real connection to anyone and it pains me to watch myself experience my life without love. After going home for most of the night and talking to my father, I wonder if I am honestly falling in love with this guy. Just a few hours ago I felt a connection with this guy, but I never thought that my feelings really reflected those of the feeling of love. As I sat with my father I spoke of this guy and after listening to myself talk, I seriously pondered the idea of love and if this is finally it. My dad even mentioned how he missed that young love. That made me stop. Do I love him? I still don't have an answer to this. But continually thinking about it and him has made me believe that the feeling I am feeling is, nevertheless, love. But don't mistake me. I don't know what love is. No one does until they find their one true love, and even then most don't find it. The question that I can't help but think about is: "Am I one of the lucky ones that might have actually found their own true love?" |