|
|
|
|
|
|
100 ~ ~ RIP DIAMOND(DIMEBAG)DARRELL
Song of the Day: Pantera-Cemetary Gates I was shocked when I heard that my favorite guitarist of all time was shot because of some disgruntled fan that blamed him for Pantera breaking up. What the hell? If you loved Pantera that much, you would still love them no matter where they are. The new band that Dimebag was in, Damage Plan, was amazing. Dimebag, you will be missed, and this is my dedication to you. \mm/ |
|
99 ~ Tues - 12*07*04 - 6:10pm ~ IT'S SO HARD
Song of the Day: I don't even know what exactly to say. I haven't written in awhile because I thought that maybe, for some reason, that when I write about how my life is going good and then there are people in my life that make a difference, that if I write about it, everything will start to go to shit. Well, I guess it's just me then. I can't blame it on anything else anymore. I don't understand why I can't love someone and have them love me back and everything just be fine. Why am I happy enough just to fall back down again? Isn't there supposed to be one time in my life where shit is going to be okay and that things won't stop me from being with whom I love and having them by my side? It hurts more and more everytime it happens to me. And it becomes harder and harder to trust people with my feelings and harder and harder to want to have anything to do with anyone. I am losing myself each time my heart shatters. A piece is lost each time and soon there will be nothing left so that I could even hope for love. I keep saying that shouldn't love be able to conquer everything. And each day I realize that love is slowly becoming something that isn't even real anymore. Not in my life at least. Love is just another word for allowing pain. They say if you don't open heart you can never love. I say. If you don't open heart you can never love and be hurt by it. I am done opening myself up to people. I just become too attached. And when it is finally ripped from my fingers, I am left with nothing more than bloody hands. And a pain that can last forever. A scar, a mark that will never be removed. A thought of what could of been. A song that makes you think and wonder. Love is allowed to be shoved into memory too easily. And I try to hold on to the love I feel, and soon that will eat away at the soul. What else should I do anymore? I try so hard, left in vain. Is it worth to feel anymore? |
|
98 ~ Tues - 11*30*04 - 11:29am ~ DRIFTING THROUGH ONCE AGAIN
Song of the Day: Velvet Revolver-Fall to Pieces D E L E T E D |
|
97 ~ Sun - 11*07*04 - 9:46pm ~ THICK HEADED
Song of the Day: Well, I'm not supposed to be mentioning Dave in my journal anymore. Because he controls my thoughts and he controls what I do. Riiiight. Today, I called him up and asked him what his big grudge against me was because no matter how nice I am to him, he ends up pissed off at me. I couldn't help but think of the Metallica song, Holier Than Thou, when I said what I said. I told him that he hates to hear shit about him, but he will be so quick to judge everyone else. "Judge not lest ye be judged yourself." It's about time someone stands up to him and tells him all the flaws that he doesn't see. Maybe he is just to thick. He wants, he wants, he wants. It's a cycle that won't end and he isn't doing a damn thing to fix it. He has a lot to learn and he will be depressed, and heartbroken for much longer if he doesn't start to understand things about him. He is so much like me and I am watching him do the same shit I used to do. And I have moved past all that and he won't even take my advice. Alright, this has gone too far. I have let it go past what it needed to be at. I've tried, and I have struggled to get to the same place I was a month ago. I told him to give me time to get over him and I will be perpared to be his friend. He so desperately wanted to be friends with me. And I finally am over him, and now he runs away. I think he's afraid I might be the first person that has the balls enough to tell him the shit he needs to hear and be right about it. Remember, this is my journal and my thoughts. That you can't control. |
|
96 ~ Wed - 11*03*04 - 9:49pm ~ OPINION, NO?
Song of the Day: Up and down. Dave and I, for all the time we've known eachother, have been an up and down relationship. Dave has an attitude problem when things don't fo his way. He was telling me that him and his girlfriend have been arguing constantly for at least a week. I'm not the only one at least. Dave is a very controlling person and he will freak out at shit that shouldn't even become an issue. He has a problem with other people'e opinions about him and the things in his life. Example. Last night I made the comment to him asking him about his semi-girlfriend. He got pissed off and told me that he was happy and that I was just jealous. I laughed at him. Maybe it was towards the happy comment, or maybe it was towards the me being jealous part. Probably at both. Easlier in the afternoon he was complaining about them arguing and him not being able to see her a lot. He even said that he didn't even know why he was still with her. How is that being happy with her? I even told him that she wasn't the right girl for him and that love was more thana feeling. He didn't get pissed off at me than. so how does that change overnight. He thinks I still want him. I don't want him bakc. I may care about him and miss him, but that doesn't mean he is good boyfriend material for me. He proves that to me everytime he irritates me or gets pissed off at me for a stupid reason. Hey Dave, let's do the math. You argue constantly with me over stupid shit and you argue constantly with your girlfriend over stupid shit. Hey, maybe it's not us that have a problem. The equal part of thsi equation is you my friend. I will have an opinion and you can't get ebnt out of shape over it. You cannot control me or your girlfriend. And you will learn that the hard way. It may be a surprise to you, but you will realize, that you can't expect people to act the way you want them to all the time. They are individuals and they can think for themselves, and make decisions on their own. I told Dave the other day that I wanted him to be everything that he can be in life. That he should be able to go to school and be proud of his grades and to be able to prove to everyone around him that he is serious about something. I know he is smarter than all of this. I know he knows what he is doing wrong. It's like me. I know what I am doing wrong, but it is so hard to change it, or even admitt it sometimes. Anyway. Just my opinion. |
|
95 ~ Sat - 10*30*04 - 10:09pm ~ EVIL, EVIL, EVIL
Song of the Day: Finger Eleven-One Thing Dave is still on my mind. Every so often I get a ping of missing him and wondering how he is. I can never stay mad at anyone. I even remember when Matt broke my heart. I ended up hating him. But now, I don't hate him at all. I don't hate Dave. I just think that there are a lot of things that he is doing wrong as well. He can be a very good person all the time, if he starts to examine certain things in his life. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect person. But I have realized my mistakes and I am trying to make the best of changing the things that I can..... I guess I just kind of miss him. When things were good between us they were perfect. And I miss how those times were. It's different not talking to him all the time. I am not sad though anymore. I don't feel like I did. He is just on my mind and I wonder sometimes. I don't expect us to talk ever again. But he entered my life and left a mark on my memories that will never be able to be erased. Somethings will fade in time and hopefully all the good memories will be left behind. And even then, you wish all those things to come back. I wish Dave to be back, yet at the same time, all the distaste for eachother, I believe it is better off this way. |
|
94 ~ Fri - 10*29*04 - 8:43pm ~ MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO WORRY ABOUT
Song of the Day: The Used-Maybe Memories The last few days have been very exciting. I have had so much on my mind. I am finally going to be going out of country. I am going to the Neitherlands. (Amsterdam to be exact O:) ) I am going to be saving a shit load of money and when end of May comes, I will be off to Europe. It will be an experience that will change my life. I'm not sure how, but we will see. But this whole thing will make me see something I never saw before. I am also doing very well in school. I am a straight A student. Registration for spring classes started and I am going to schedule soon so that I will get this very interesting schedule of classes. If I do this right, I will have class on only Tues and Thurs, but it will be an all day event. I will definitely take 5 days off. I will have a lot of time to be able to do homework and projects and work. It should be a little busier than I am now. Can't wait to get to Kean though. I want to get on with the whole graphic design thing. I need to start doing more of my porfolio work. I have a lot of art classes that I have now and will be taking, that will give me a lot of art to put into it. I'm going to Nevada in Janurary too. I am going to visit my family that is out there. It will be my first time back in my hometown for quiet some years. And I haven't seen my grandparents in awhile as well. I miss them. I have so much stuff on my plate right now. It keeps me busy. Dave floats in and out of my mind sometimes. But it's nice to think about it and not feel anything. Something to just shrug off and move on with the day. I wouldn't change any of it though. It's just another page in a chapter. |
|
93 ~ Thurs - 10*28*04 - 7:38pm ~ MUDVAYNE - NOT FALLING
Always, known in, all my time, A little left of center now Reflect as I realize, That all I need is to find the middle pillar path to sit like the sun by a star in the sky and Just be. Sinners, casting stones at me I... I stand, not crawling, not falling down I... I bleed the demons that drag me down I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye) I... I値l bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else) Goodbye, sunshine, I致e put it out again, sad I知 over, personalities, conflicting, I don稚 need you, or anyone, but me, I値l just be, living My own life I feel my glowing center grow, infecting I feel alive Shovel dirt over lime, plant it in myself to sit like a seed under covers of earth and just be Sinners, pointing fingers at me I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye) I... I値l bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else) Come play kill Refuse my body, refuse my shadow Stond cold will Refuse to lead this, refuse to follow Bitter pills Refuse to feed this, refuse to swallow I知 fueled godless Come play, come play Kill Just be, just be I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye) I... I値l bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down (for me and no one else) |
|
92 ~ Thurs - 10*28*04 - 12:34pm ~ OH, WHATEVER
Song of the Day: Candlebox-Far Behind I hate when shit like this happens. There are some people that enter your life that you think will make everything better. But at the end you realize that everything you thought they were, they weren't at all. I knew this was going to happen, so I shouldn't even be surprised that it did. I don't need Dave to fix my life for me. My life isn't as bad as I thought it might have been. I should of known better from the beginning that shit was going to be fucked up. I never liked liars and the first things he tells me ends up being a lie. He tells me now that his girlfriend has read my journal (Hi by the way) and that she wants to kick my ass. I find it so retarded how girls are. They will go after the other girl when they don't realize that the guy is the one at fault. Dave was the one with the comittment. It was his decision to do what he did with me. I have no attachments, I don't need to make that choice. I was so stupid. Dave is still too immature to know what he is doing in relationships. He is only 17 and acts younger. He will look at all the other people around them and critize them and tell me how much of an indecent person they are. But he won't look at his life and see that maybe, just maybe, he is doing something wrong. I don't need someone like that in my life. If he wants to walk away. Oh well. He lies to everyone, whether he loves them or not. And that's more horrible than me sitting there speaking my mind to him. This whole situation is retarded and I wish I never spoke to him to begin with. I should of just been the isolated, quiet girl like I always was. If I never talked to him, I would of never felt the things I felt. Everything I said I felt for him was true. But as I start to see the real him, it's hard not to think that there is something fucked up about the whole thing. If he wants to talk to me and treat me like a decent human being without lying and to me and making promises I know he won't keep, then fine. I will talk to him. But I am not going out of my way for him anymore. If he wants to talk, he knows where I am. If not, then he wasn't worth it. And honestly, I sometimes wonder if he was ever worth any of this. |
|
91 ~ Tues - 10*26*04 - 9:28pm ~ ANOTHER INSIGHT INTO THE MIND OF A PSYCHOTIC GIRL
Song of the Day: Evanescence-Forgive Me I was sitting in my garage thinking and I had some thoughts that I just needed to write down right away. I was listening to the radio and the girl said that this song was a request from someone from Garfield. That was were Matt lived and my thoughts went directly to him. It's strange when someone that you haven't been close with for so long seems to always be on your mind. I think about him everyday. Something just reminds me of him and he pops into my head. I know I still love him and it still hurts sometimes. I however, did talk to him recently. He called me a few days after I tried to call him. It wasn't a long conversation. But it was nice to hear his voice. He seems to be doing well where he is, and I'm very proud of him. I wish I was able to talk to him more. But such things cannot happen in such a fasion as I please. And I think I may know why I am doing the things I am doing with Dave... or did. Dave was the first person I have been interested in since Matt. I fell into this hole after Matt and I split up. I just became emotionless towards everyone. It seemed that no one could really get my attention and be able to just talk. I didn't want to have much to do with anyone. And it was nice to find someone that brought me alive like Dave did. I haven't had that in so long. And when it ended, I kept asking Dave to be with me. And I know why. I didn't want to lose that feeling, because I knew if that feeling went away, he would most likely just leave, and if I lost him, my mind and my heart would fall back into emptiness, and I would become emotionless again. I need him as a friend. And he is a really good friend to have. He is willing to help me change the things I want to change in my life. Things haven't been bad with me yet. I am getting used to smoking less now. And soon I will be smoking less and less, until I really don't even think about it anymore...... *** Note lyrics in Song of the Day *** |
|
90 ~ Sun - 10*24*04 - 11:16pm ~ THINGS TO REALIZE
Song of the Day: Shinedown-Burning Bright I have been a lot happier lately. There was a lot of stuff that has happened between me and Dave the last fews days. We ended up having this really huge arguement and it came to a point were we both didn't want to have anything to do with eachother. But it seemed like neither one of us could just let go. I know there are a lot of things that are still there between. It's hard sometimes. I keep thinking about what it would be like if we were still together and it sometimes still hurts to think that he is taken by another girl. And I sit and hold my tongue so that I don't lose him. I want to keep him in my life and if this is the way I must do it, then I guess I have no other choice. I love him still with all my heart. And I miss what it was like to be able to call him mine. We could of loved eachother forever. All those feelings that tingled inside me when he touched me and when he told me he loved me. He makes me happy. And it's hard to sit there and not be able to have him make me happy with all that I have ever wanted. I know that he can give me everything I have ever dreamed of. Why can't it just be me? As my depression decreases, I am able to have hope again. You never know what the future may hold. And sometimes it's scarey to not know what might happen at the end of everything. |
|
89 ~ Thurs - 10*21*04 - 4:54pm ~ I NEED TO STOP (2:30PM)
Song of the Day: Sober Days Count: 2hrs 25min Today was one of the most intense experiences of my life. Dave came over to hang out with me. And everything was great. We had amazing sex again, much more intimate this time. Then I started to get very emotional again and I said things that shouldn't of been said. We walked to school basically in silence. Then I went off and skipped class to go smoke with this other person. Today was the first time I ever felt horrible smoking weed. It usually made everything disappeared, but it made everything just more apparent. I raced back to school and caught Dave leaving class. It was heart piercings to see him angry with me. I already knew I was wrong. I was happier this morning when I hadn't smoked anything. When everything was good between us. I am pushing him away though. Though I want to be with him, I need to stop asking him about it. If we will, we will. I need a friend. The friends he thought we were when he stared into my eyes this afternoon. |
|
88 ~ Wed - 10*20*04 - 4:42pm ~ DEDICATED TO HIM AND THE MEMORIES
Song of the Day: Coheed and Cambria-In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3 I felt that this entry should be dedicated to Dave for a few reasons. The number for one. His favorite/lucky number was eight. Also the song. Everytime he listened to that song he would think about me. It just so happened when I was trying to think of a song to put there, this one came on. It just seemed to fit so perfectly. Today was an interesting day. I was talking to one of my friends, Will, and he was asking me what type of guys I am into. I was telling him that I like gothic, skater type guys. And he didn't understand what I meant. So I was looking for someone to give an example of. When we went outside this punk guy walked past and I was like that's punk. So I just randomly walked over to him and we started talking. There ended up being a big circle with a few people in it just talking. The topic turned into being about weed. It turned out that the initial guy I walked up to and one of the other ones both smoked. All of a sudden the one was like come on. He and this other dude were going to go smoke and invited me. I was like hell yeah. It was cool as hell. That's what I'm talking about. Those are the nice people. Will talk to anyone and just hang out. The ones just like me. Anyway. I have been trying to keep Dave off my mind as much as possible though he always ends up being the only thing on my mind. I just don't know what to expect from him anymore. One day I will think that things are good and then the next second we will be fighting. He told me that the reason that he was upset yesterday. He said that it was hard for him to look at me. He said he still cares about me. I don't even know what to think to that anymore. I'm afraid if I start to think about it, I will just misinterpert it and I will be upset when he tells me that it wasn't what I thought it meant. *Sigh* |
|
87 ~ Tues - 10*19*04 - 3:52pm ~ CLOUDED
Song of the Day: Evanescence-Bring Me To Life I just don't get it anymore. My life has just become a pointless walk through existance. Nothing is worth trying for anymore. I watch him walk around, with this look on his face and I know there are so many things going on in his head. But he cannot confide in me. I'm even surprised that I still feel anything for him at all. I just want him back and even though I keep trying to have hope that hope is slowly fading. Everytime I see him, he can hardly even look at me, let alone talk to me. I don't understand how someone can love someone so much and be more miserable with them then they were without. I see him hurt. I know he is, I am not blind. I just wish he would understand that I would be able to make him feel whole. And that's all I really want to do. He won't even hang out with me. He can't even stand to be near me. He wants to be my friend but he will avoid me as much as possible. That hurts more than anything else. Nothing will ever be the same. I just need to be able to wake up from this nightmare and have everything be alright for me again. But I fear my nightmare is real and there is no leaving reality. |
|
86 ~ Sun - 10*17*04 - 4:39pm ~ *CLEARS THROAT* MOVING ON
Song of the Day: 40 Below Summer-Letter To God So this morning I woke up not feeling so bad. Actually, I didn't feel bad at all. There's not so much to say anymore. I can't keep dwelling over the same bullshit. And I know in my mind what will happen at the end. I'll just watch it happen for right now before I comment further. I just want to be able to say I knew it and that will be that. So back to my life. Back to being alone, but now I have choosen it. I am making the conscience decision to be alone. My life moves so much smoother when I am alone and don't have to impress anyone or have to put my life into someone's else's. I've never really liked people and I continue not to. I thought that there might be hope, but there isn't. |
|
85 ~ Fri - 10*15*04 - 4:27pm ~ BETTER?
Song of the Day: I can look around me and see all these people with all these friends. I can hear the laughter and smiles echoing in my head, and I wonder. Is there anyone out there that feels how I do? Do they wonder why they can't keep shit together? I sometimes feel like I am the only one that has to go through all this, and is forced to feel the things I feel. This isn't about Dave anymore and why he did what he did, this is about me now. This isn't like it's the first time I had to feel the pain of waking up in the morning and having my whole self feel empty. This is about why I can't just be satisfied and have me feel like I am complete. I can easily forgive the things people do wrong to me. Why can't I have the same? I know I'm not perfect and I don't expect the people I am going to be with to be perfect either. I just want them to be perfect in my eyes. I need to be loved and love back. My dad tells me that my problem is I fall in love to easily and then I cling on to them. I know I do that, and I know it's a problem. BUt I know the way I cling isn't in a needing way, it's in a selfish way. I desire so much from a boyfriend. I desire time and comitment. I had both from Dave. But I suppose I couldn't get his heart. I may have touched it, but I couldn't have it. Everything I persue is always the wrong time. Why do I have to wait for something to be the right time. I don't understand how a person can make a comitment with someone by asking them out, and just take it all back a few weeks later. I know what will happen with me and Dave. I am going to stop calling him and I will wait for him to be ready to talk to me. But i already know that he will be thinking about everything else but me. And soon I will slowly fall from his mind. I will just become another face in the crowd. There won't ever be anything more than nothing between us. I guess I should just realize that now, and stop feeling pain. There has to be something better for me out there. There has to be someone that will honestly love me and not dick around with my feelings. |
|
84 ~ Thurs - 10*14*04 - 1:35pm ~ IT'S ALWAYS MY HEART THAT BREAKS
Song of the Day: Switchfoot-Meant To Live It's been a long time since I felt a pain like this and I'm not even sure why I need to feel this pain at all. I don't understand why it is so much to ask to just be happy. All I ever wanted was to be happy. He says he still loves his ex and he can't be with me because of it. Yet, he says he still loves me. Love is supposed to bind two people together. I understand that he may still love his ex, shit I still love my ex. And it would be difficult for me to be with someone else if he ever came back. But there are just some things that you have to understand won't happen again. And I'm afraid that Dave and I may never be what we once were. I told him that I can't just friends with him. Because I can't sit there and pretend like I don't feel anything for him. I don't want to have to pretend with him. I just want to be able to be myself and feel what I feel. It's been a long time since I was able to find someone that interested me enough to want to be with them. It took a lot for me to be able to move on from Matt. I cut myself off from everyone when I was heartbroken over him. And I struggled for so long to be happy. Then there was this guy that gave me everything I always wanted. He gave me love and contentment. He gave me hope for people and hope for happiness; a hope that I lost long ago. I don't want to go back to where I was. And I can feel myself slowly fading into it. I need someone to save me, and he was able to. And I don't want to lose that. I want to be the one that makes everything ok for him. I don't want to sit here alone anymore and wondering if I will ever be happy. I know it my fault that he doesn't want to be with me. Shit, it's always my fault. I'll never change and I will be doomed to be forever heartbroken by the people I love the most. All I want is to be with him and be happy again like I was. I was ready to give up everything for him. I even did. The struggles that I would of had with my family would have killed them. But he was more important to be than my family. I asked him to be with me and he told me that he will talk to me tonight about it. If he feels anything for me, then maybe that will be enough. Love should be enough. I hope he realizes that I will do anything to keep him happy and to make his life everything he wanted it to be. I want to be by his side through the difficult and confusing times he goes through. I want to be the one that holds his hand and let's him know that I will always be there for him, through good or bad. I don't want to fight with him anymore. And I will do everything in my power to subside my attitude because I know that is what gets me in trouble. That and my selfishness. I always want him to be here when I want him to and I can't understand when he can't. I've had enough with me. I can't take it anymore. I keep fucking up everything and I need to fucking stop. Even if it fucking kills me. I will stop goddamn it! If I don't I will always be the way I am and no one will ever be able to love me. I don't want to be lonely, yet I am the one that makes myself lonely. I am the one that makes everything bad. I know it's me. |
83 ~ Mon - 10*11*04 - 4:15pm ~ Groping Dork
Song of the Day: Atreyu-Demonology And Heartache This is my third time starting this entry and I'm not sure exactly what to write. I have this incredible urge to spill my feelings but I don't know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am. I feel empty, lost, yet everything in my life is so close to perfect that I should just call it a dream. It's the little things that linger on and pester me, like a cloud of knats over the sidewalk. I want to be forgiven for all the things I've done wrong in my past. I was a bad person. I wasn't someone I even wanted to be. And sometimes I just seek a mending that has been so long needed. Yet years go by and nothing is said, and when I am able to grow the balls to say anything, everything is always too late. It's upsetting where life takes you and who you've stepped on along the way. I want to go back and help them up and brush them off even if they have already done it themselves. I seek contentment. I seek forgiveness for my wrong doings. I seek to be happy with whom I am now and who I want to become. And going back to who I once was is the way I must move on with that part of my life so that I will be able to clear my mind and be content with the parts I am living now. I have so long waited to be happy with my life. And the chance is right in front of me, all I have to do is reach for it and not let go. But I have always found that my problem lies in my hands, for I cannot always grasp something tight enough so it won't slip between my fingers. My happiness is like clinging on to a fist full of water. Sooner or later my hand will be dry even though I never stopped clenching. I'm sometimes not sure if I can really change the things I need to from then to now. I'm scared that the things that I know I have done wrong are just a part of who I am and that I will never be able to change it. I try so hard not to do the stupid shit that I did. For example, guys. I can sit there and look at my relationship and know the way I should be handling situations. But no matter how much I think they are wrong, my mouth opens before my mind thinks everything through. Maybe it's not the little things that needs to be changed. There might be something bigger that controls all those little things. But in the end, I can't seem to grasp onto that either. |
|
82 ~ Mon - 9*27*04 - 9:21pm ~ I WOULD HAVE NEVER THUNK
Song of the Day: Smile Empty Soul-Every Sunday It's strange to see the places that you end up in life. It's strange to imagine all the things that you are going to have to fight for in your life and all the things that you will have to consider and decide very carefully on. I never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. I never thought I would have to think the way I am and think of what the consequences for being with someone I like. I never had to deal with anything like that. But I am. Last week in my photography class we were learning to develop film. We had to chose a partner and work with them. There was this guy in my class, a black guy, that dressed just like I like. He even listened to the music I liked. I was so shocked. Dave and I instantly clicked. We were flirting while we were working together, and at the end of class, he even walked me home. I never thought that I would be where I am right now. Dave and I are together, and I haven't been this happy in a long time. We get along very well, and he doesn't mind the talking on the phone and seeing eachother a lot. That's just how I am, so it works perfectly. However, the fact that he is not the same color as me is bothering me. Not that I find anything wrong with it, I am with him, aren't I? It's the fact that some people in my family believe it to be very wrong for a white person and black person to be together. I know that if things get more serious, that I am going to have to fight to be with the person that I love. My mom doesn't have a problem with it. It is the older generation that has a problem with it. Honestly, if I have to fight I already know what I am going to say. My grandparents have to realize that we aren't living in 1947 anymore. That anyone can be together as long as the bond of love is there. This is the land of freedom. I have the right to be with whom I want, and they should be happy that I am happy. It shouldn't matter if his skin is darker than mine. Everyone keeps claiming that love is about the emotional attraction to someone, which is there personality, not what they look like. People are just judging people because of what they think iw true. Who are they to judge my life for me? They had there time to live this age and date whom they liked. Well, I am the same. I am an adult and can make my own decisions. The only consequences to me being with Dave is me being happy, content, and truely loved. I will never give that up for anything. My grandparents made my life hell, why should I bother to "impress" them anymore. I shall love whom I please. Because the ones that are real are the ones that touch your heart and the heart is blind to color. |
|
81 ~ Tues - 9*21*04 - 12:36am ~ SPANK ME, I'VE BEEN NAUGHTY
Song of the Day: Joe Budden-Porno Star There are many times at night when I start to masterbate that I think about all the nasty, dirty things I've done. Like fucking two guys at the same time for bud that they didn't even pay for, I did. Or the time when three guys ran a train on me. Or maybe it was all the times I've had guys cum inside my ass. When I touch myself, I feel like such a whore, and it makes my pussy tingle. Scarely enough, I do sometimes think of myself as a slut. I don't mind it when people call me it, because I too sometimes believe it. I love having sex; the more people the better, the older the dirtier. There is just something about having a guy you hardly know shove his dick inside of you. The way they fuck you. It feels so good because you know that your just fucking to fuck someone. I guess my sex drive is just apart of my personality. Like I once explained, everything I like doing, I do to the extreme. I love sex. Everything about it is great. So I do it to the extreme. I've fucked several different guys from the time I lost my virginity to now. And there are times that I feel ashamed of how I behave. But then deep down, or maybe the real me is saying, it's alright, that that is who I am. There are a lot of things I haven't written down because of the graphic sexual nature of things. But why should I be ashamed of the person I am. So let me share a few new stories. One night when I was dorming at Rutgers. I was desperatly searching New Jersey chatrooms for people who smoked bud. I need to smoke and I would do anything to be able to. I started talking to this one guy, and he agreed to come up and get me weed. Under one condition of course, if I would at least suck his dick. I mean, why have he come all that way just to smoke weed that he could of smoked at home by himself. Morning drew nearer as the plans were in motion. At about 4:30 in the morning, the guy had arrived with a friend by his side. Earlier I had aranged with one of the guys I got bud from that it would be fine to spot me the stuff until my friends arrived with the money. Well, the money wasn't even a thought in my head. They actually showed up and I believed that that was good enough for me. I rolled up the blunt, ran outside, and smoked with the two strangers. I got stoned as hell like I always did, and stubbled back to my room. (I don't know the names so I will give them some, Mark is the guy, Keith is the tag along friend) Well, Keith went off to the bathroom while Mark and I sat on the floor watching a movie. Mark started to feel up on me and I didn't mind it. I knew I owed him a blow job. Soon my head ended up in his lap. His dick pulsing in and out of my mouth. Keith soon returned from the bathroom. Mark and I were forced to move to unlock the door so we repositioned ourselves on the floor beside the bunk beds, Keith sat on the other side of the room by my computer. Mark pushed my head down back to his cock. I sucked it without question. Soon I was working Mark up quite a bit, that he yelled to Keith for a condom. He pulled my head out of his lap while he retrieved the "raincoat". I didn't even question him about wanting to fuck me. I just went along with it. Mark climbed onto the bottom bunk (my roommates bunk), laying face up. I climbed on top of him and started riding his cock. In the midst of banging my pussy, he called Keith over. Mark told him that I was going to suck his cock while he fucked me. Keith didn't say anything, he just whipped out his dick and shoved it into my face. Like the whore I am, I obediantly slipped his dick into my mouth. Mark pumped his cock inside of me. This didn't last long however, because the positioning was very awkward on the bunkbed. So we moved to the floor. Keith sat on the side of the bed, while I was on all fours, Mark behind me ready to fuck me doggy style. Mark pushed his cock inside me and began fucking me. I quickly sucked on Keith's hard dick that was in front of my face. I was enjoying every second. Soon Mark pulled out and thought to himself, she's such a whore she'll let me fuck her ass. He shoved his unlubed dick hard into my asshole. I moaned hard from pain and pleasure. Mark started fucking me harder and harder. My mouth ran quickly up and down Keith's dick, his hands pushing my head up and down. After what seemed like forever, Mark literally grabbed me and threw me aside turning to Keith and saying "you can fuck her now if you want." At the time I didn't feel dirty. But thinking back on it makes me feel like even more of a slut. Keith had gone down the inbetween gettng another condom for him to use. Once one was found, Mark told me to get down on my knees and suck both their dicks. I was then on my knees jerking one guy off while I shoved the others dick in my mouth. Soon Keith got tired of waiting and started fucking my mouth hard and fast. When he was hard enough, he dragged me over to the bed, bent me over Mark and started fucking me hard in my pussy. Mark pressed his hand hard on the back of my head, forcing his dick down my throat. I was moaning loudly, my pussy throbbing around his dick. Keith fucked me harder cumming deep inside me. Mark still pushed my head up and down. Keith pulled the condom off and bagan getting dressed again while I continued to suck Mark off. Mark was fucking my mouth. Pre cum was dripping out of the corners of my mouth. I was trying to pull away, but his hands continued moving my head up and down. His dick tasted sweet in my mouth and soon my mouth and throat was dripping with warm sweet cum. After everyone relaxed, cigarettes where lit and everyone sat on the bottom bunk. I made the comment that I felt like such a whore doing what I was doing. And they laughed saying that I liked it. Which I did. Then I asked them for the 20 dollars for the weed. They didn't have it. I spent 20 dollars I didn't have on weed and fucked these guys for nothing. I felt like a whore and it felt so good. Even to this day I still think about that time. Makes me cum faster when I'm touching myself |