DAMSEL IN THE ROUGH at Barnes & Nobles Also at Amazon.com

The era is Ancient Greece during the start of the Roman Empire. Amazon warriors travel in secret tribes, not always getting alone with each other. The world is a deadly, changing place afflicted by the superior technology of gods. Damsel in the Rough is Tasha Malone Fidelli, a resourceful co-ed and unwitting time-traveler from Brooklyn, New York. Excellent Sci-fi, active, packed with valid survival techniques, unique questions about prehistory events, and mostly adventure with rampant humor mixed in the lore of mythological fancy. SAMPLE TEXT: This is Chapter 4 split into small pages, no frames, and much kinder to WEBTV browsers. _____

JOKES

OXYMORONS

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
 9. Definite maybe
 8. Pretty ugly
 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
 6. Diet ice cream
 5. Rap music
 4. Working vacation
 3. Exact estimate
 2. Religious tolerance
 1. Microsoft Works
_________________


George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things 
   and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, 
   why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because
   he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 
   "Where's the self-help section?" 
   She said if she told me, it would defeat 
   the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters 
   wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts 
   but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash 
   his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
   speaking and there is  no woman around to hear him
    . . . is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens 
    to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call 
    what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal
    eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, 
    can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? 
    Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, 
    is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him 
    he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through 
    bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at 
    that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns 
    because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't 
    talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, 
    but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid 
    people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men; 
    they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. 
    Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 
    Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat 
    and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

______

THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY AT WORK

 · And your crybaby whiny opinion would be..?
 · Do I look like a people person?
 · I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
 · Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
 · If I throw a stick, will you leave?
 · You!... Off my planet!
 · Does your train of thought have a caboose?
 · Did the aliens forget to remove your probe?
 · Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
 · A PBS mind in an MTV world.
 · Allow me to introduce my selves.
 · Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
 · Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
 · See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
 · Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
 · Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
 · I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
 · A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
 · Stress is when you wake up screaming & 
   you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
 · Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
 · Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
 · Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
 · Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
 · How do I set a laser printer to stun?
 · I thought I wanted a career, turns out 
     I just wanted paychecks.

999 Lies for Every Occasion Jo Donnelly / Paperback / Published 1995

Abs of Steel, Buns of Cinnamon : A Cathy Collection Cathy Guisewite / Paperback / Published 1997

Access Denied : Dilbert's Quest for Love in the Nineties (Adams, Scott, Dilbert Book.) Scott Adams / Hardcover / Published 1996

CHURCH HUMOR

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means.

A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," I replied.

My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

___

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?"

I said, "God tells me."

Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

___

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

____

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?

Answers in The Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Ares are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world, and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

©_March 31, 2000_annml@hotmail.com