Tuesday
10/13/98
brandon, if i ever see you again, this is for you.
i love you more than you'll probably ever know. you were there for such a short amount of time, but had such a profound effect on me.
the truth is, i wasn't ready. no, it wasn't your fault. i had no way of dealing with it but by trying to console you and make sure you were ok. you were always fine, weren't you? i helped you unnecessarily to help myself. i don't know if that makes sense.
you were right, the "not regretting anything" was the beginning of the end. exactly eleven days after we met. about five days later, you left.
today, as you were supposed to play my team in the chess match (sounds lame, does it not?), i was terriffied out of my skull. paranoid to make a good impression when you got there, horriffied at the fact that i had nothing to say, curious as to how you'd changed since i've seen you last, wondering how you'd react to me.
when you didn't show up, and the rest of your team did, i wonder: was it me?
are you avoiding me, brandon? avoiding the past? you took so much from me. the least you could give is a phone call. i miss you alot.
looking back on all of this, i have many boys who have meant a lot to me. triston, the first, nick, the painful, taylor, the grown-up, nathan, the selfless, rob, the available. none of them have even come close to changing me so dramatically and quickly as you have. or had. that sounds like the end to me... and that's frightening.
i carry your picture, and the old id card i stole, in my wallet. i have the letters you wrote in my scrapbook, i read the last letter over and over and over nearly ever night before i sleep. you think i lie? see the creases and the tear spots on it from so much abuse over the past seven months. wow... has it only been seven months?
i miss you.
am i being too melodramatic? sometimes i think i am. am i always?
oh well. i miss you. if you don't call within the next few days, now that i've sent your first board to you with a letter, i'm going to be rather upset. please don't leave me hanging after all this time.
- fallen
previous thoughts of the day
Monday, 10/12/98
Sunday, 10/4/98
Friday, 10/2/98
Monday, 9/28/98
Sunday, 9/27/98
Saturday, 9/26/98
Friday, 9/25/98
Thursday, 9/24/98
Monday, 9/21/98
Saturday, 9/19/98
Friday, 9/18/98
Wednesday, 9/16/98
Monday, 9/14/98
Sunday, 9/13/98
Thursday, 9/10/98
Wednesday, 9/9/98
Monday, 9/7/98
Sunday, 9/6/98
Thursday, 9/3/98
Wednesday, 9/2/98
Saturday, 8/30/98
Thursday, 8/28/98
Wednesday, 8/27/98
poetry
the embrace
about me
links
© 1998 UrielsPoet@aol.com
Get your own Free Home Page