| Thoughts and Suggestions for Helping Moms That Have Experienced a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Neo-natal Death of a Child |
| HOW CAN YOU HELP THE GRIEVING PARENTS? |
| I found the following information at a wonderful site called Cradle NT Inc. - This list is filled with excellent suggestions on how to help parents that have lost a baby. |
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The suggestions in this pamphlet aim to help these who find themselves closely involved with someone who has suffered the loss of a baby. The suggestions offer some help and guidance but unfortunately nothing can totally alleviate the devastating pain and hurt. The importance of support and understanding from within the family and circle of friends has shown to be a turning point for everyone and most importantly the parents in their grieving. FEELINGS When someone very close to you has lost a baby, you may experience many new and unpleasant feelings. Coping with your own grief and bereavement can manifest itself in different ways. There may be: Sorrow for yourselves at the loss of a grandchild, niece or nephew. Sorrow for the mother and father. Sorrow for other children. Anger at the apparent injustice of the death and Feelings of helplessness as to how to respond and somehow lessen the pain for everyone Lack of knowledge of the situation may be a further hurdle to cross, coupled with disruption to the whole routine of regular living. (Continued Below) ---- |
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| Grandparents often find difficulty in coping with the death of a grandchild. Their feelings are often for their own children (the baby’s parents) rather that the dead baby. They wish to protect their child from hurt and find themselves powerless in this situation.
GRIEVING Grief is a natural and necessary process by which we adjust to the death of someone. The grief experienced after the death of a baby can be as intense as the grief after and death of a spouse. The age of the baby does not seem to affect the intensity of the grief. The emotional bond between the mother and the baby develops early in the pregnancy and if the baby dies, the parents experience both the deep loss of a special person as well as a shattering of their hopes and dreams for the future. Their loss is very real. There are a wide range of feelings the bereaved person will experience. Some of these include shock, anger, guilt, despair, relief, numbness, sadness, hostility, depression, and hope. Some physical symptoms of grief include stomach pains, aching breasts, sleeping problems, loss of appetite, pre-occupation with the baby, repetitious dreams about the baby, lack of strength, irritable and poor sex drive. Each individual person has their own style of grieving. The intensity of the grief will change from time to time - it usually comes in waves. Talking about the dead person helps the bereaved to move towards the acceptance of death. The intensity, length and progress of grief will differ from person to person. The grieving process may take one or more years and reminders of grief may bring about periods of sadness for many years. HOW TO HELP Grandparents, relatives and close friends often try to avoid the issue of the death with parents because they don’t know what to do or say, and are afraid that they could upset the parents further by doing or saying the wrong thing. HELP by letting your grief show. This is appreciated by parents and can open the door for the sharing of feelings. Being receptive to the parents’ need to talk about the baby can be important for everyone. HELP by trying to act normally by asking questions about things you don’t know or understand. HELP by admitting that you are not coping and perhaps don’t know how to support them. HELP by being sympathetic. It is sad when someone dies. This baby was real and parents need to grieve. HELP by allowing time to grieve. Let parents talk and cry on and on ... try to be a good listener. Some mothers and fathers need a long time to recover. It may take many years. Some people make the mistake of allowing what they think is a reasonable grieving time and the expect parents to return to a normal life. This is rarely so. Remember everyone is different. Life may never really be the same for those parents again. Even perhaps after another child, parents may still grieve for the lost baby. HELP by letting parents arrange the funeral, put away baby clothing and handle the newspaper inserting etc unless they ask for help. Offer if you wish. Often the parents need to be in charge of these tasks as a part of their grieving process. HELP by trying to avoid platitudes to the parents and yourselves. Words like “You’ll get over it”, “It’s God’s will”, “You’re lucky to have other children/grandchildren”, “You’ll feel better when...”, “Time will heal” and “It was for the best” are probably all well meant but of no help at all and may in some cases be detrimental. This baby is not replaceable. HELP by sharing the baby with the parents. If they call the baby by name they may like you to as well. HELP not by pushing other babies under the nose of the mother either physically or verbally. If you have a young baby, don’t be offended if the bereaved mother shows no interest or desire to hold it. On the other hand don’t go out of your way to hide your baby from her act normally. STILL visit the hospital, send flowers etc. This makes the parents fell they are normal and not alone with their grieving. Parents need recognition of the fact they have had a baby. Special difficulties may arise if the baby is one of twins. The mother is expected to be extra happy for her live child. Few people realise her overriding grief for the twin who has died. DON’T expect the mother to be physically well in a few days. The absence of a baby often entices people to believe that she has fully recovered and is ready to rejoin sporting groups, social clubs etc immediately. Her breasts will produce milk for perhaps some weeks after the birth. THE decision rests with the parents as to whether they will have another baby. Respect and be supportive of their decision. YOUR NEEDS We have talked of the needs of the parents. Grandparents, relatives and friends too have needs and it’s often the conflict of their actions in trying to help that may create ill feelings within families. The parents often mistake the non-supportive person as one with no feelings or understanding. However this could be due to their own inability to cope with the situation. Don’t feel pushed aside or ignored when not asked to help. The important thing is to be supportive. You have the right to be open about your own feelings and display the fact that you are hurting and grieving. SUPPORT GROUPS Sometimes it helps the bereaved to talk to someone who has experienced the death of a baby or who is experienced in listening. Do not feel you have failed in your support if someone chooses this path. Please go to the Next Page for Additional Thoughts and Information on this subject. NEXT----> |
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