I am the mother of three really terrific kids. Married right out of high school, I started my family early, and feel very fortunate to have been a young Mom. In fact, I'd had all 3 of my children by the time I was 23. In looking back now, I think that only made us closer. They have been, and always will be, my greatest blessing.
The boys came first; Christopher, my oldest son, then my dear Josh, and lastly, my daughter Kim. No kids were ever funnier, or closer than these three.
On January 18th of this year, (2002), I lost my son Joshua to an accidental overdose. The doctors told us he had both cocaine and heroin in his system. Several months earlier Josh had admitted to trying cocaine. We believed him when he said 'never again'. We are pretty certain that the night he died was the first time he'd ever tried heroin. He was only 21.
Losing Josh is the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. (I say 'is' and not 'was' because I'm still going through it) Later, I will tell you the story of what happened to him on the page titled "Josh's Story".....
But for here, for right now, I will tell you with all honesty that I am struggling to just get through each day. I plan on being very honest about my feelings on these pages. I want to say the things that we all think ,but do not say out loud. I need to say them out loud, or I am afraid I will crack under the weight of it all. If you are a grieving Mom, you know what I mean. We are haunted by memories, regrets, and visions of what happened to our children. This is the part of us that people do not see. These are the things we suffer alone.
Perhaps we even sound a little crazy, but I say that's ok. We need to give each other permission to be a little crazy for a while. We have lost so much, and such a loss is not easily processed- in the heart, or in the mind.
Talking is healing. Talking to you like this is healing to my soul. I thank you. |
