Okay, all of us with a minimal education in the sciences (and a disregard for all that creationism bullshit) know the Theory of Evolution as created by cabin boy Chuck Darwin in the *cough*cough* century. Break it down and the theory basically states that all creatures evolved from a common ancestor, NOT what everybody thinks the theory states, that being that man evolved from monkeys. It just says that humans and monkeys evolved from a common ancestor. Anyway, SUPER MARIO BROS. (VERY loosely based on the classic Nintendo game of the same name [which originally all started out on Atari simply as "Mario Bros." for you gamer historians]) takes Darwin's Theory of Evolution a few steps further, showing us that, not only did we all evolve from a common ancestor, but eventually we all get on the same track and evolve to a common form... well, they don't come right out and say it, but when they tell us that dinosaurs would've evolved into humans if they'd had the chance, that's the conclusion I come to. I've probably lost most of the 2 or 3 people who will ever read this, so how about I just get on with it...

Our story begins back in the day of the dinos, 65 million years ago, give or take a few centuries. A big meteor of DEEP IMPACT proportions (though not as large as the one in ARMAGEDDON, yet bigger than the ones in the Tom Wopat's METEORITES... haha, Tom Wopat) crashes to the Earth in the spot Brooklyn is on today. The impact creates a rift in the space-time continuum and a whole new dimension is created. All the dinosaurs are sucked into this new dimension, which is like a mirror universe of our own, and there the big lizards live for the next 60+ million years. During that time they climbed the evolutionary ladder and eventually caught up to us, basically becoming us... only with slightly weirder fashion styles and wimpier weapons. Now, we FF>> to the past (?), 20 years ago to be precise, as some chick in a crimson cloak and spiked shoulder pads drops off a little package on the doorsteps of a Brooklyn church. The package? A big egg in a metal casing with a glowing rock stuck to it. After the drop off, the babe escapes into a nearby sewer opening and underground she bumps into a very sinister looking guy in a military outfit (Dennis Hopper of BLUE VELVET). She calls the guy "Koopa", then she attacks a support beam, bringing about a cave-in on the two. Hmmmmm, as a movie watcher I'm somewhat intrigued as to what the fuck just unfolded before my cold dead gaze, but as a gamer all I can say is, "THAT'S KOOPA?! SINCE WHEN DOES KOOPS LOOK LIKE THE OLD GUY FROM SPEED?!". Oh well, let's continue on...

Now we jump ahead one more time, this time to the present, where we meet our heroes: two fat Italian stereotype plumbers. First there's Mario Mario (WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT's Bob Hoskins), the older brother and voice of reason. The other is Mario's head-in-the-clouds-and-nose-in-the-tabloids little brother Luigi Mario (SPAWN's John Leguizamo)... whose trademark moustache is strangely absent. The duo are struggling to make it as plumbers-for-hire in the big city, but seem to lose out every time to the big business of Scapelli Construction. After yet another failed attempt to get paying work, the bros. are on the side of the street fixing their overheated van when Luigi meets Daisy, a decent looking blonde babe. Unfortunately, she's also one of those college hippy protester types, who's currently searching for dinosaur bones in the Brooklyn area. This is bad, because she's exploring an area where Scapelli Construction wants to put up a high rise, so they're not exactly pleased by the court order she has against them, allowing her hippy pals to dig around in the old sewers beneath the area. I smell underhanded villainy and sabotage from those corporate baddies!... oh wait, maybe that's just Daisy... all that sewage diving definitely makes it hard to bang her. Oh well, I can hold my breath for the 46 seconds necessary to get off a few rounds... forget I said that.

After a few awkward sentences and some inane babbling, it's not long before the old Luigi charm gets him a date with the chick, who, if you haven't figured out yet, is the kid born from that egg 20 years ago. The date goes fairly well, the kids make a connection based on their beliefs in the unknown... in other words they're both a little light on the brain cells. After the date, Luigi walks the young orphan back to her dig site... either because she actually lives there or because she prefers sex on cots. While looking around the site, the two witness plumbing treachery as Scapelli's boys loosen the pipes, bent on flooding the whole dig area! But, with a quick call to big brother Mario, the Mario Bros. fix the flood and everything is good in the world. Well, except for Mario's girlfriend, who's been kidnapped by Koopa's goon nephews! Why? Well, they're actually after Daisy, but when they saw the other broad, their primitive brains thought she was really Daisy in a clever disguise and grabbed her anyway... Who needs heroes when the villains just outsmart themselves?! After realizing their mistake, the boys return to our dimension and grab the real Daisy, who they take through a dimensional rift near the dig site. The Marios follow, despite Mario's hesitation, and find themselves in a world, well, not all that different from their own. The only major change would have to be that the cars run on electrical systems like bumper cars and there's some crazy fungal bloom all over the place. Like I said, the only real difference between their evolution and our own is a slightly different fashion sense, i.e. they all wear spiked clothing and have freaky haircuts.

While the pudgy Italians try to save Daisy from her half-witted captors, we get to see more of Koopa. The man with the goofy fin head hairdo reveals to his woman Leena (and us) that it's not really Daisy he's after, but the crystal around her neck, which happens to be a shard of the meteorite that created the rift in the first place. When put back in the big rock, the two dimensions should merge and Koopa plans to take over the resulting world! Hmmmm, I wonder if he realizes there are about 7000 wanna-be rulers ALREADY in our dimension thinking the same thing... Besides, Koopa's army can't be too big, since the available living space in their dimension consists of a Manhatten sized city and a whole planet of nothing but desert other than that. I don't care how many reptile people you pack in there, they can't take down the armies of the world! They'd be lucky to beat France, and they're the Earth's little bitch! Besides, there are lots of people in the city who don't work for Koops anyway, so it's not like he has the whole miniature populace working for him even then! And wait till you find our what this genius dictator plans to use in his invasion...

So anyways, Koopa's goons escape the Marios and the Brooklyners are left holding the meteorite piece. While trying to figure out where they are, the boys meet an old lady... who tries to rob them with a cattle prod! But, they then bump into a big black babe named Bertha. After she tosses the old bitch over a rail, she steals Daisy's necklace and leaps away with some crazy flying boots! I hate when that happens. When Koops's minions/nephews return with Daisy and he discovers the meteorite piece is actually with the plumbers, he instantly slaps a price on their heads and the chase begins! While running around Koopatown (which is just what I'm gonna call it, since I don't know the real name), the Marios meet a Koopatown hippy named Toad, who sits in the streets and plays Anti-Koopa ballads all day as opposed to getting a job. Well, turns out that Anti-Koopa ballads are illegal in Koopatown (big shock) and he gets picked up by the gestalt police force... some things are the same no matter what dimension you're in. Of course, when the brothers step in to contest the arrest, the cops notice that they're the plumbers King Koopa's after, so they too are chucked in the patty wagon and hauled downtown. As punishment for their crimes, Koops orders the trio de-evolved in his de-evolution machine. Toad gets it first, transformed into a big reptilian pinhead creature called a Goomba... I'll tell you what's wrong with that in my closing argument. So, now Toad is a big brain dead slob who works for Koopa. Will the Marios suffer the same fate? Yeah right, then where would the movie go? Not that it's really going anywhere now...

Not ones to become monkeys (which is wrong, as I stated WAY back in the beginning), Mario and Luigi jump the minimal security Koopa's got with him at the time and strap the despot himself into the de-evolver device and leave to be turned into... uhm, nothing... that was a little unfair. So, while that, well, doesn't go on, the Italians escape and hi-jack (Hi, Jack!) a cop car. With a little help from Koopatown's fungal bloom, the plumbers drive out to safety in the surrounding Koopahari Desert. So, since henchmen cost too much, Koopa once again sends out his cousins Iggy and Spike to track down the Marios, only this time he has them evolved, which doesn't include any kind of physical mutation, only an increase in mental capacity... so our current form in the final stage of evolution? That's something of a let down... So, the bumbling villains hop a ride out into the desert to get the Marios. But, what they get instead is captured, by their very own targets, despite their brand new intellects.

So, with the villains as their hostages/tour guides, the Marios are back off to the city to try and rescue Daisy, along with all the other Brooklyn chicks that Spike and Iggy had swiped before getting the real deal. But first they need to meteor piece to bargain with, so our quartet gets some new threads and head to the Boom-Boom Room, where that big black broad Bertha is a bouncer. After charming the big butch with his greasy little Guido charms, Mario works his moustached mojo and gets his opening (uggh), snatching (uggh x2) the necklace from around lard ass's neck. It's all for naught though, as Koopa's goons soon arrive. Leena gets the necklace in the mayhem and the cousins, who are now singing cousin Koopa's overthrow (never make the underlings smarter than you), are arrested. But, with Bertha's help and some jump boots of their own, the brothers escape. Think it odd that Bertha, having just been ripped of in property and in love, would help Mario? Well, you've obviously never been seduced by a fat bald Italian guy in a yellow suit... uhm, not that I have mind you.

Now our heroes decide it's time to invade Koopa's skyscraper headquarters, but first, another change of costumes! Now, in costumes that look even cooler than their classic "red and blue/white and green plumber bib pants" game outfits, the boys shut off the heat to Koopa's Coney Island disco palace and sneak in through the ventilation ducts. But, before they can search out Daisy, they have to start a Goomba dance troupe. Michael Flatley, eat your dirty Chicago heart out! Meanwhile, Daisy is confronted by Koopa's chick Leena, who's fed up with Koopa giving all his attention to Daisy. So, in a fit of old woman jealousy, she tries to slash open Daisy's jugular. The princess is saved though, when the Koopa family pet, Yoshi, intervenes and attacks Leena, allowing his new friend Daisy to escape. While running away, Daisy bumps into Iggy and Spike, who then introduce her to what remains of her father, whom Koops de-evolved into a big ball of fungus and who is also the former King of whatever the name of this fucking dimension is... and DAMN is Yoshi's chain long! I just realized that he's still on his chain, yet he can go from the Koopa family room all the way to the fungus room (which every modern house should have... along with a Zen Room)! What's the point in putting a chain on the little bastard if he's free to roam the place anyway?! Anyway, this is about when the brothers show up to save Daisy.

Okay, this is getting REALLY drawn out, so let's jump ahead a little. A bunch of crap happens involving Goombas and Brooklyn chicks riding a mattress (not as hot as it sounds) and people getting caught and escaping again and flying boots and yadda yadda yadda. Leena decides to take the world over for herself, so she grabs the rock and heads off to merge the worlds. Luigi and Daisy are hot on her ass though while Mario battles a flamethrower-wielding Koopa. Leena stuffs in the rock, but the G-forces are too much and she becomes nothing but bones planted in solid rockbed! While the worlds merge back and forth in an unstable fashion and Koopa de-evolves that Scapelli douche bag into a chimp with his Super Scope 6 (more on that later), Daisy (who's the only one who can withstand the tornado around the meteor) and Luigi pry the necklace free from the rest of the rock. The worlds are put back to normal and the Marios use some of Koopa's own portable de-evolving guns (and a shitty little Bob-Omb) to turn him into primordial ooze and finish him off. The kingdom is saved, everybody's dancing and carrying on, the King is human again, the Marios head back to Brooklyn and Daisy stays to help put her kingdom back together. Sure enough, "3 weeks later", Daisy's crashing down the Marios' door, dressed in battle fatigues, flamethrower in hand and asking for help for something they "won't believe"... after this movie, I highly doubt that. This would set up for a sequel that was never made. It's for the better I suppose, but I hate to be left hanging like that.

Okay, now to piss and moan and shit. First of all, I'd like to condemn SUPER MARIO BROS. for opening the doors to video game movies. Thanks to this film, I've been plagued by stuff like STREET FIGHTER, DOUBLE DRAGON, WING COMMANDER, and MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION. So, here's the first of many, "fuck you, guys!". Okay, now, this movie was a horrible adaptation of the game it's supposedly based upon. The old "Super Mario Bros. Super Show" with wrestling manager extraordinaire Captain Lou Albano was more like the game than this Hollywood backwash! Here's the list:
1.) King Koopa looked NOTHING like his video game counterpart of a giant spiked turtle monster that breathes fire. Since when is he a T-Rex?!
2.) The Goombas were not Goombas. In the game Goombas are little angry mushrooms men with faces. How the hell do you get over-sized reptilian pinheads from that?!
3.) Toad suffered the same problem as the Goombas. In the games he is NOT a goofy haired hippy with a harmonica, he's a little happy mushroom man who wears a kinky leather vest!
4.) Luigi had no moustache!
5.) Yoshi was NOT Yoshi. Yes, he was a dinosaur who used his tongue as a weapon, but he was too small to ride and therefore didn't have a saddle... you'd have to know the game to understand this reference.
6.) The classic Super Mario Mushroom was used as a reflective umbrella, not as the natural super steroid it is in the game. As for the always lethal fire flowers, they were replaced by flamethrowers. Practical I suppose, but unfaithful.
7.) Classic Super Mario Bros. villain Bullet Bill was in the movie, only instead of being a big sentient piece of ammunition, it was simply a power source for those jumping boots... oye.
8.) As for the Bob-Omb, first of all, it was tiny and cheap looking. Secondly, it wore Reeboks... we all know Bob-Ombs wear Pumas damn it!
9.) Final conflict: Koopa planned to rule our entire world by arming his meager Goomba squad with portable de-evolution rays. Not only is this a stupid idea, as the rays can only zap one person at a time, in which any number of humans would just blast the mutants with a hail of gunfire, but the geniuses behind the movie decided to use the "I don't know anyone who owns one" Super Nintendo accessory, the Super Scope 6, for the prop. Why? Not only as a shameless plug, but probably because that was the game accessory with the most readily available of unsold material Nintendo had in stock. I mean, they only made two games for the fucking thing!

That's it, I'm done, lick my balls, I'm number one!

Sequels: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: L.A. ALIEN or ATOMIC DREAMS