STILLBORN
I carried you in hope,
the long nine months of my term,
remembered that close hour when we made you,
often felt you kick and move
as you slowly grew within me,
wondered what you would look like
when your wet head emerged,
girl or boy, and at what glad moment
I should hear your birth cry,
and I welcoming you
with all you needed of warmth and food;
we had a home waiting for you.
After my strong laboring,
sweat cold on my limbs,
my small cries merging with the summer air,
you came. You did not cry.
You did not breath.
We had not expected this;
it seems your birth had no meaning,
or had you rejected us?
They will say that you did not live,
register you as stillborn.
But you lived for me all that time
in the dark chamber of my womb,
and when I think of you now,
perfect in your little death,
I know that for me you are born still;
I shall carry you with me forever,
my child, you were always mine,
you are mine now.
Death and life are the same mysteries.
Leonard Clark
Unlike the above poem, I knew that my baby girl would
not live. We found out that our baby would die in October
of 1994. I had been having a heavy discharge for about a
week. I had talked to my doctor about being concerned
with it...he said "No, there is nothing to worry about."
Well, me being a mother already, I knew it was something
to worry about, so after waiting that week I went to the
ER. I went at about 9pm and didn't get seen until close to
1am. I had just told my husband to go home as he had to
be at work at 7am when they called me back. I think the
Lord knew he shouldn't leave. After doing a pelvic exam
the doctor asked to do an ultrasound. He said he thought
that I might be in labor. The ultrasound found that there
was little to no amniotic fluid. They then admitted me to
the hospital and performed a more in-depth ultrasound.
The next thing we know a doctor walks in with a woman and
introduces her as a Geneticists. They then tell us that our
baby is gonna die and that I needed to "abort" right then!
They wanted to do a D&C right then, no time to even catch
our breath or anything. We told them that we needed to
talk about it, so the Geneticist offered to take us to her
office and show us some research on the "problem with my
fetes." So off we went...
The condition that Ashley had was so rare that very
little research had been done. So she showed us some
pictures of children with a "like" abnormality called Potter's
Syndrom.
After my husband (Tim) and I had talked about it, we
told them no, that we need some time to adjust and think
things out. They let us know real quick that they were
p*ssed off, and said that I was leaving AMA (Against
Medical Advice).
That next morning we started with calling our Preacher,
then everyone else. The families seemed to agree with us
that we were not going to put or babies life on the line of
just one opinion. So, Tim called the doctor that delivered
our twins and spoke to him. He agreed to see us. Now, you
have to realize this was a military doctor that agreed to
this, and Tim was no longer in the military. I don't think
that legally he was supposed to see us, but he knew what
we had been through with the twins birth. So, the next
day Tim and I traveled from Dallas to San Antonio (not
exactly a quick drive). My sister Dana watched the boy's
for us while we were gone. When all was said and done, he
also agreed to the doctor's findings of Renal Agensis (no
kidneys). The year that Ashley was born, only 4 other
children in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area had died with the
same. From what we were told, that was the highest ever
recorded.
Tim and I then went on our journey to honor our daughter with a funeral. We chose to wait until January to induce labor. It was already getting close to Thanksgiving and then Christmas right around the corner. We decided that we did not want to associate the holidays with the death of Ashley. We also felt that it wouldn't be right to the boys either.
Please Don't Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't seem to tell time and got you days
and nights mixed up,
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream
by knocking the bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the "perfect"
teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to
dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.
Pat Schwiebert
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