Thursday 31st October

The Byron Shire News did not reveal any new properties on the accommodation front but neither did I expect it too. I made an executive decision to go through with securing a house in Suffolk Park but by the time I had stopped dithering and telephoned, it had alreay been taken. This didn't overly surprise me. Next week is obviously going to be a very interesting one for us. Who knows what it will hold? Heaven knows I could do with some excitement.

The free newspapers are coming out with some positive attitudes to Indonesia and this is heartening. Not everyone is obsessed with Australia and Australians, some can see the full picture. On Saturday afternoon, last week, there was a meeting in the Rails hotel for people who wanted to do something to help the Balinese. I was feeling revolting, as usual, and so didn't attend. Remiss of me really and probably inexusable. Perhaps I have to start dragging myself around, reluctantly or otherwise. I really need something to focus my attentions on as I am lacking in goals and incentives.

Yana has ended up working late both yesterday and the day before. Typical really. Just when the work roster was rationalised too. Customers just wouldn't stop coming. Not surprising really as one would expect more people to be out and about with the warmer weather. He couldn't get away as they needed two cooks if they were to cope at all. I hope that his bosses forget all their silly nonsense and let their workers work. They are going to need all the staff they can get hold of and should appreciate those that are ready to work at any time.

Wednesday 30th October

It was one of those days where I was up to nothing. I only had energy for sleeping and was feeling thoroughly miserable. I have had enough of the nausea and lethargy. What a waste of a life! I have no desire to do anything. The househunting is depressing me and I haven't heard from Conchita for weeks. I am not sure whether to expect her next week or not. I'll be so disappointed if she doesn't come.

Jan, a friend from Bandung, tells me that things have become a little tense in my favourite city. Some expatriate families are sufficiently concerned about the recent turn of events to pack their bags and go. She, quite sensibly, has maintained a healthy attitude and is fairly sceptical about it all. She is, afterall, a long term resident of Indonesia, and has seen it all before. Apparently the bombs in two shopping centres that were found recently were little more than firecrackers so she doesn't feel overly threatened. Good for her. These moments of insecurity seem to be rolling by far too frequently. If one listened to them each time you would constantly be going back and forwards.

In Fletcher street I have been watching the progressive demolition of three houses. No doubt they will be replaced by a shopping precinct and the face of Byron will be changed once again. It is such a shame to see the houses disappear one by one. I shudder to think what this little township will look like in five or ten year years time.

Tuesday 29th October

I could have gone to Lismore for a conference on Islam but felt that the search for accommodation was probably more pressing. I would only be sitting among the converted although access to positive ideas and a clear vision would have been more than welcome. Judy, a friend who is instrumental force in the Australia-Indonesia Arts Alliance had invited me to accompany her. She had lived in Bali for ten years and was devastated at recent events on her beloved island. She was also similarly upset at the anti-Muslim feeling that seems to be rife in the Australia at present. So many people seem unable to separate culture from the actual Islam religion. I wonder how this problem can be addressed.

The local newspaper, the Echo, was not yet available at the Tourist Information centre so I elected to wait in the pleasant surrounding gardens while Yana checked out the nearby pawnshop. The voluntarily run centre is located in a lovely old weatherboard cottage that faces at right angles to the road. I could well have visualised it all fifty or seventy-five years ago. It would have been a very pleasant small home in a very quiet township. From all outsider accounts Byron Bay has become such a bustling place over the last ten years. I do recall visiting here twenty odd years ago but my memories are very hazy. i just recall watching some surfers and can remember little of the town itself.

There are further dramas at the Thai noodle bar. One of the partowners seems to undergo rationalisation phases every few weeks. He feels that things could be streamlined and that everyone is working too much. There was talk of Yana's hours being drastically reduced. Working in the hospitality business certainly doesn't provide a great deal of security and I am unimpressed with the conduct of many business operators. Little credence has been given to Yana's willingness to work in times of need at short notice. Let's hope that this period of insanity passes as have all previous moments of greed, but Yana is not so confident this time.

Monday 28th October

Monday was fine and dry. The rain had been a one day wonder. Most unfortunate as I could easily have tolerated the coolness and some socks for a little longer. I am very concerned for the summer. The prospect of no water is very unappealing. In fact it is virtually unimaginable although very real.

Yana and I visited all the real estate agents in town and found a few more new listings. Inspections were organised but only caused further dilemmas. Why is it that the nice houses are beyond our means and the small gloomy ones are within our range? Most unfair. I had nightmares all night about being cooped up in a small unit without any aspect. I am very reluctant to commit myself to something that I have reservations about. I think I prefer to sit on the fence and wait a little longer, even if we end up missing out.

Towards the end of the day we finally caught up with Sam. Daylight Saving was in full force and Yana and I were not ready to settle down for the night. The extra daylight was welcome but we didn't know what to do with it. Sam was sore and bruised. She was somewhat perplexed as she will need to buy another car even though she has plans to travel overseas within the next few months. A month long teaching prac necessitates reliable transport and relying on car borrowing for such a period of time is impractical. Very frustrating.

Sunday 27th October

There were grey clouds everywhere but not a lot of rain. The weather was posturing again. Things were decidedly cool too and I had to resurrect a pair of socks. Day light saving had started that morning and I had to explain the concept to Yana. He accepted it all fairly easily. As a result of the missed hour of sleep we were both a little lazy and the music making at Broken head Hall started somewhat late. By the same token, the music finished mid afternoon, so nothing was lost. I was well and truly bored by this stage even though I had bought a book and some paper with me. There are only a certain number of times that someone can listen to the same piece of music being played.

Then the rain started and it really bucketed. I was pleased as we definitely needed it. Yana had ideas of going to the Bangalow market but I assured him that it was too wet and too late in the day. Besides he had a radio program to contend with. He was fairly nonplussed, cooked a lengthy lunch and arrived half an hour late. Rubber time still prevails for him while I am a real stickler for punctuality.

Yana came out of Radio FM with three Indonesian mates and big plans. They were all going to make music and eat together at the noodle bar. I was asked if I was up to escorting them. I wasn't really but couldn't see that I had much choice. Yana is still a learner driver and none of the others had driver's licenses. I chose to stay in the car as it was warmer and at least it was dry. It wasn't overly exciting though and time passed slowly. The rain drops trickled endlessly down the windscreen but I felt some good was coming out of the day. I only hope that the rain continues for a while.

When I finally made it home I was met with the news that Sammie had had a car accident. The roads had been very slippery and I had felt very concerned while driving with Yana. Repeatedly I had embarrassed him in front of his mates by asking him to slow down and take it easy. We had seen a van glide out at a roundabout earlier on in the day at Suffolk Park and I was having nasty premonitions. As for Sam, she was shaken and had been taken off in an ambulance but was basically OK. Her car was another matter but cars can always be replaced whereas human lives can not. I was relieved but again reminded of the fickleness of fate. I only want to see her and give her a big hug.

Saturday 26th October

I woke up feeling very fragile while Yana was ready for more of his precious garage sales. Unfortunately, though fairly numerous, not one was overly impressive and he came home emptyhanded and quite disappointed. Old clothes and rubbish prevailed. I didn't even leave the car, prefering to stay in comfort and read the Weekend Australian. That newspaper is my passion although I sometimes wonder why. I really only enjoy the Review section and the magazine. The rest I seem to read to in minutes.

Our cupboards were completely bare. It would seem that when I am away nothing happens in our household. It is nice to feel indispensable, but it is a responsibility that I could do without. As it turned out it was quite late in the day before I felt that my stomach could handle a visit to a supermarket. Earlier on in the day I just ignored the hunger pains as I didn't feel that I could trust myself with food. Relaxing on the couch was all that I was up to.

Friday 25th October

Friday dawned, to my great relief, and it was then just a matter of getting through the morning before being allowed to escape. Anne the foot massage volunteer arrived midmorning and we were able to continue our conversations on the esoteric and bizarre as we have on numerous other occasions. This passed the time nicely.

I was feeling very nauseous and the bus trip back to Byron didn't help one bit. I kept looking at the plastic bag in the holdall in front of me and wondered when I would have to use it. Luck was with me and it was only much later, in the privacy of my own home that the contents of my stomach and I parted company. I could soon see that my last chemotherapy cycle was going to pass with a bang and not a whimper. What a shame. I am well and truly tired of feeling tired.

My mouth is feeling a lot better and that was one good thing outcome of my Brisbane trip. Medication and a good mouthwash have made an incredible difference, and surprisingly quickly too. Perhaps I will be able to keep my teeth after all. I certainly hope so. Some things have to go in my favour surely?

Thursday 24th October

My brother drove me into the city for the last chemotherapy session and I was quite excited at the prospect of getting the treatment over and done with. I have had enough of feeling unwell. The morning passed quite uneventfully but the little old Dutch-Indonesian lady with the hump, who I had met on my previous visit, arrived after lunch. This was welcome and we discussed the Bali tragedy. She had been similarly upset at what had happened.

For the night I was allocated to a full ward but the company was not exciting. One lady was deaf and had to use sign language while another one was very old and bedridden. The latter had to be turned every three hours and screamed in pain as it was done. The third lady was quite friendly but had lots of visitors who kept her quite busy. I had no choice but to stick my nose in my E. Annie Proulx book, Accordion Crimes, which fortunately was very well written.

Wednesday 23rd October

Tess and I caught the train to the city with the commuters and parted company at Central. I took the opportunity, as I had extra time, to visit my Cancer support Group in New Farm while she went shopping. It was a good move and I was pleased to meet up with the group leaders again. Catriona had just returned form two months overseas so I couldn't have timed my trip any better. For the rest the faces were all new. There had been another death and that was upsetting. Four of last years stalwarts have passed on, making the group considerably more intimate. What a horrendous disease cancer is.

I waited patiently for the doctor, as usual she was behind schedule. I was met with good news as my tumour count had halved again. There had been always been the posssibility that the level would plateau out but fortunately it didn't. If it halves again after the final treatment then I will be pleased. We agreed to give treatment a break for a few months as my body has had a fair battering recently. I am reluctant to allow the tumour to grow again but common sense prevails. We will try an oral drug in the interim but I am not overly optimistic as it did nothing the last time I used it.

Brisbane was hot, very hot in fact. I left behind the coolness of the air conditioning in the hospital and was assailed by a blast of searing heat as I re-entered the real world. Not pleasant at all. I really won't miss going to South Brisbane, it is such a stark exposed place.

Tuesday 22nd October

Tess had two days off work and offered to take me to Brisbane. I prefer to go on the Wednesday of my doctor's appointment but as it will be my last trip north for a while I agreed to leave a day earlier. I usually only want the excursion to take the barest minimum time as I much prefer staying in Byron. On the other hand going by car certainly seemed a lot more appealing than taking a bus.

I have always liked water theme parks and Tess twisted my arm to stop at Wet'n'Wild on our way through the Gold Coast. We had enjoyed the Waterbom park in Bali two years ago and lots of precious memories returned as we leisurely floated down a relaxing river in inner tubes. I wasn't feeling very energetic and found the climbing up stairs and ramps very taxing. I only tried most rides once which is out of character. I wasn't up to anything more strenous. To be honest I didn't feel the thrills that I had felt on previous occasions either. Shame really.

On the highway just before Brisbane we found ourselves behind a van that was spurting black smoke. It was such a rare event that it caught my attention. Most vehicle exhaust fumes in Australia are surprisingly clean. I immediately thought back to Indonesia where one was constantly bathed in dirty fumes. I still miss it.

Monday 21st October

Bushfires rage again. Homes have been burnt and a life was lost. Byron Shire is contemplating tightening water restrictions even further as the town supply will run out in two months. Things are not looking good. On the news front Bali has already slipped from its top spot. Newer catastrophes have taken over the limelight. I am not sure that I am ready to move on yet. It would seem too fickle.

Yana was approached by a young person begging in the street. It caught him unawares. Fancy a westerner asking an Indonesian for money. We were both highly amused. Who would have thought it possible? We thought that it only ever happened the other way round. Aren't westerners the rich ones?

Mondays seem to be the day for routine tasks. Today was no exception. Still much was achieved and I felt good about that. I checked a few real estate agencies but there still wasn't much available. Time is getting short but I won't start panicking yet. We could always move to a caravan park if all else fails. I feel too unwell to really stress.

Sunday 20th October

As it was the Commemorative day for the Bali victims I went to the main beach in Byron Bay to participate in the local ceremony. I arrived alone because Yana had gone fishing and Tess was working. Right from the beginning I felt that I had strayed into alien territory as most of the people who were sitting around the sand mandala were dressed in white from head to toe. As I was dressed in very dark clothes I felt that I had stumbled into a fancy dress party in my street clothes. From then on it got worse. I would have been irritated had they gone on endlessly about the Australian victims but on this occasion the victims were hardly mentioned. A woman sang with an awfully high pitched voice which seared the airwaves. Another woman danced to the four directions and a number of the white clothed brigade joined her. Then we listened to some talks by people called Rain and other names that I couldn't even begin to spell. Their focus was love, forgiveness and the sending up of energy.

I felt very uncomfortable as we were then asked to stand and sing a song and perform certain movements. I am not strong enough for this sort of exertion and was starting to get stressed. Further active involvement followed and I had to retreat to the sidelines. They then did a song which I am sure was Jewish and I wondered about the appropriateness of this. I was actually pleased when the ceremony was over. I thought I was fairly alternative and open minded but I obviously am not. It could also explain why I haven't taken up any of the alternative therapies that are on offer locally. I am a sceptic and probably lacking in imagination.

Tess had watched some of the other ceremonies, Australia wide, on television, and said that she had been moved to tears. This interested me. The Byron ceremony hadn't awakened any emotion at all, in fact it had unleashed a whole lot of personal thoughts and misgivings that should not have appeared at all. Shouldn't I have been thinking about those who had been killed and injured? I couldn't help but feeling disappointed. It hadn't addressed my needs at all. I may have been better off visiting a normal church!

Saturday 19th October

I woke up feeling exhausted and was in the mood for just lying about and relaxing. Yana hadn't mentioned garage sales so I presumed he fancied a break. Around mid morning he looked out the window and noticed a garage sale just down the street from us. He turned around with a panicked look on his face and asked me what day of the week it was. When he heard it was Saturday he swore like a true Australian .... sh.. bloody hell, albeit with an Indonesian accent. We were out of the house in minutes. Garage sales were his hobby, he stated firmly, and he wasn't going to miss out on any.

Apparently Australians in Bali were starting to get angry and frustrated because the Indonesian authorities were not operating the way they wanted them to. How naive to even imagine that they should do so. The Indonesians were sticking to protocol as one would hope that they would. I felt like telling them that the Australians can be equally difficult if not more so. It is just that most people haven't had to deal with their official side.

I was similarly irritated by Australians saying that things were so disorganised in certain places that they leapt in and took over. The Indonesians probably allowed this to happen because they are extraordinarily polite. It doesn't necessarily follow that they were happy with what was going on. People here in Australia may have marvelled at the willingness of Australians to participate and assist but I am not so certain that their efforts will be viewed in the same light by the Indonesians. There are so many crosscultural practices that many people are completely oblivious to. It makes me cringe.

Friday 18th October

It is Lismore Show this week. I was very keen to check it out and convinced Yana that it would be fun. We decided that today was a possibility. If nothing else it would add another two hours to Yana's driving credit. We arrived nice and early and found that nothing was operational, mind you we still had to pay a very expensive entry price. Yana was disappointed that the rides were closed and I was not happy with the closed state of most food tents as I was very hungry. We checked the pavilions and I explained that at an agricultural show everything whether it be horses, cats, cows, chickens, flowers, cakes or vegetables was graded according to quality. The search was for the best in each category. He made little comment but was happy to watch the horses with me.

I love shows, even now and it was a treat to be able to sit and watch the horses. At first I could only see show jumping which doesn't really interest me but I was prepared to watch anyway, but I was then delighted to see some show galloways enter the arena. The classes were very small with only three or four entries but the quality of the top two was breathtaking. In Tasmania the classes were always much bigger but the Lismore horses would still have won. They were definitely Royal Show standard. Before leaving we ate some tacky show steak sandwiches as I felt that it was integral to the show experience.

We had our first open day at three thirty this afternoon. All three of us had put in some effort and there was a momentary semblance of order. Shortlived, no doubt, but adequate for the occasion. I was very surprised that only two groups showed up. Two!!! Whenever we look at something we seem to be one among twenty, here there was very little demand. Secretly,I felt a little vindicated. Very wicked I know, but our landlady has been very greedy.

One family looking at our house, had just come from Bali. I immediately picked up on this and had a lot of questions to ask. They had been living in Seminyak for some time but felt totally unsafe after the blast. Everything had changed. They were actually being accosted in the street and asked whether they felt safe. If they said they did, then they were told they shouldn't, that there would be a jihad or religious war soon. It was obviously not the Balinese who were doing this but Javanese people. Why, remains unclear. I was staggered to listen to these people, a couple with a young child who left everything behind them and will start a new here. What is happening to my beautiful Indonesia? Are westerners not going to be safe there?

Thursday 17th October

It was with particular horror that I discovered that there are precious few rental properties around. Last time we had looked, four months ago, that had been plenty to choose from and each agency had a many listings. Not now. Most places have two or three houses and some have but one or two. I started to panic. It was not going to be easy. Everything has been locked up for the lucrative holiday market. This is no doubt why our delightful landlady ensured that our lease finished at such an inopportune time.

We even started to look further afield. Yana and I drove to Lennox Head which is only twenty kilometres away and is a beautiful beachside town. Very pleasant and not so overrun with backpackers. We looked at quite a reasonable unit that actually had beach views, although not quite at the the beachfront. You could open the front sliding doors and smell the sea air! It was very tempting and could offer a very laidback lifestyle. I was fairly enthused but Yana said that it was too far. As an Indonesian he is probably unused to the concept of commuting. Most Australians consider it quite normal and some even prefer it. The thing is he would have to be the one who was going back and forwards so his reluctance has to be considered.

In the afternoon, I did another round of the real estate agencies and found two new listings. Our real hope is to live in Suffolk Park which is a smallish urban community about eight kilometres south of Byron Bay. Here we would be away from the madness of Byron but could still visit easily. The community is self sufficient, there are good shops and the beach is nice and close. Sam lives there too. Can you imagine my amazement when I found out that one unit was located exactly opposite Sam's house? I was simply staggered. I haven't been able to look inside yet but am feeling that this property has my name all over it. It looks small but there are so many other good things about it that I am prepared to put up with some inadeqacies.

Tess and Yana keep telling me that they would be more than happy to stay on in the present house. I am the awkward one here because I don't even want to entertain the notion. I have lived in the house for four months and it was an interesting exerience, but I am now ready for a new situation. I suppose it is because my life is uncertain that I am keen to pack in as much as I can. I am not prepared to sit and look out at the same view through the window for longer than I need to. It is alright for them, they have jobs and meet many people every day, whereas I have to gather my stimulation and motivation where I can. I want to go, so yes we will all have to go. Sorry, folks!

Wednesday 16th October

On television there was a story of an Australian business woman from Perth who was organising medical supplies for the Balinese people. I was so heartened to hear of her efforts. She used the Balinese name Made and has two Balinese children so I imagine would have strong ties with the island. In the matter of a couple of days, she has got together more than twenty tonnes of all matter of supplies that Garuda has gladly transported for her. What an effort. She has contacts in hospitals and whatever they are short of, she rings around companies and hospitals and attempts to procure. I am always impressed with people who get their act together and do something useful. I never seem to be able to think of an appropriate thing to do but would sincerely like to be able to do something useful.

Racism is alive and well. If you are German, Australian or Canadian you will be immediately transported to Australia but if you are Indonesian then you must stay behind and receive third rate treatment. Fortunately a number of people have pointed out how inappropriate this is and our Prime minister has relented and has said that some Indonesian patients may now be offered treatment in Australia. Apparently there is a practice in catastrophes where the people with the worst injuries are always taken to the best hospitals and many people were outraged that Australia had deliberately excluded Indonesians, regardless of their condition. We say we belong to Asia, but how neighbourly are we?

Amidst all of this I had another draining session. It was either today or I would have to wait till next week. There was no choice. Not all the radiologists are prepared to perform the procedure and by some coincidence the roster had a preponderance of the unobliging (or incompetent) over the next few days. As it turned out, the doctor who was on duty was the least skilled person that I have encountered in the district and after his clumsy insertion on this occasion I am amazed that he is happy to do the procedure at all. I was in agony from the moment of insertion right till its removal four hours later. I will say that it wasn't all negative though. After the removal of the tubing I found that my urinary system was operational again. For the first time in well over a month!

Tuesday 15th October