December 5th, 1999
We're nearing the end of of this year, 1999.  I know some people would agree with me that time seems to go by faster and faster every year. 

In highschool, I thought I was a math person, then when I got to university I thought I was an English person, but I think i'm neither.  One think I noticed when I came to the University of British Columbia was that everyone is so smart!!  I sometimes feel like i'm at the bottom of the ladder now.  It's weird I guess cause in highschool, it always seemed like we were on top.  It's not like I never faced any struggles in school though, especially in my elementary years.  English is my second language; I came from a home where only Chinese was spoken and I had no older siblings to learn from.  I remember how we used to go to esl for a bit everyday and I did this until grade two.  There was a lot done for me so that I may speak perfect English and I guess everyone succeeded.  The only Chinese thing remaining in me nowadays is my name, although there are words that I am still unable to say, like "brother", "social", or "the horror! the horror!"(from Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness), without inducing a bit of laughter. 

There's something I must write down.  I failed math100(calc) last year and some people ask me why i'm taking it again even though it is such a struggle for me.  Here's my explanation.  I hope it's some inspiration for you, too.  It's something I remember reading in my Reader's Digest magazine a while ago.  There was a comment about how Babe Ruth had the most home runs but he also had the most strikeouts.  The point was that to succeed in life, we must increase the number of attempts which inevitably increases our chances of "striking out".  If you don't try you won't fail, but you won't succeed either so it's just as bad as failing in my opinion.  I may be increasing the amounts of mistakes in my life, but this is the only way I can increase my chances of succeeding.  That is my definition of success.

To end today's entry, I leave you with a quotation a dear friend of mine gave me on my birthday(thanks again, Mike):

November 06, 1999
Yesterday I found out that the winner of the Giller book prize(a Canadian literary award) was some lady(ican't recall her name right now..bernard?) who wrote A Good  Home.  In the video excerpt we were shown, the author mentioned how everyone could claim to have a dysfunctional family and we can be quite melodramatic about it.  This really made me think because I claim to come from a VERY dysfunctional family, but now I do wonder if maybe lt's all melodrama.  What makes a family "dysfunctional" anyway?  My parents aren't divorced and lately I've noticed they seem to be showing more affection than ever.  My brother and I get along sometimes even though it seems like we argue more than bond.  But isn't this typical of siblings?  I guess what makes me feel that my family is dysfunctional is mostly my parents' strict rules and the problems that come with my growing up here in a very different culture than they lived most of their life in.  My parents still hold very strong ideas and notions that they want to impose on my brother and I even though we are living in a very different world that they seem to not understand at all and never will understand nor accept.  Despite everything, I still love my family.  This probably sounds simple after knowing only this, but unless you are experiencing all this firsthand it's not that easy to comprehend.  Sometimes I barely know... 

I'm turning 19 tommorow.  I'm not excited or anything because for me, 19 doesn't mean much.  They have these rules that I can't accept or agree with.   I have a boyfriend whom I love so much, yet I'm forbidden to see him or any guy.  I'm barely allowed out of my house except for school or important events and stuff like that.  Those who aren't experiencing this like me would probably say "talk to your parents, negotiate, etc" but I swear that it does not work because it never has.  I've tried so many times and last summer I watched my mom go through a mental breakdown and this wasn't exactly easy for me.   I think i'm a good kid, it's just that my parents couldn't accept that I had a boyfriend which is not shocking to anyone but them.  I'm getting older, and they just can't accept that.  They can't accept a lot of things and they are not willing to change even if it kills them.  This whole thing affected the lives of all those I loved with all my heart: my brother, my parents, my boyfriend, and my friends.  Sometimes I don't know how to go on because inside it feels like i'm being torn apart.  I don't want to choose between my boyfriend and my family.  I just want to live a normal life.  I just want everything to be ok.  But hey, maybe all this dysfunctional stuff is just all melodrama...

October 29th, 1999
I don't know what to say for today or since I last wrote.  I could say nothing significant has happened although things have happened.  It would probably be better to say I don't recall or think anything was really significant enough to report.

I know i'm not trying hard enough(or at all) in school.  The efforts I've made have only resulted in mediocre results.  It bothered me a bit when last week someone "joked" that I was a nerd, for caring so much about school.  I don't think I care enough(about school) and since I am lucky enough to have the priviledge of getting an education, I don't know why I should take it for granted.  What does it mean to be a "nerd" anyway?  I have fun, I have friends, and because I choose to value school, too, I am given this label?(by someone who doesn't really know me anyway).  That's another person who does not understand me.

Sometimes I really wonder if anyone can every understand me.  Do I have to be "funny", "cute", "happy" or "silly" all the time to be liked?  I'm not always like that, yet it's so frustrating to convince even my closest of friends that those qualities are only part of me, and maybe that i'm not as likable as some think I am.  Why am I SOOO DIFFERENT!!!  =(

Another thing: everytime I think I have something very good i my possession, I'm so afraid that I would lose it when I realize how good it is.  I'm just so insecure!  I must admit I had some pretty good times this year, and I never want it to be over...(i'm being vague as to what "it" is here, purposely).
 

October 17th, 1999
I don't really know what's up w/ me these days. It's just that I feel so moody lately, and I feel especially sad right now.  I cried myself to sleep last nite and I couldn't really explain why.  There was just this awful aching inside me and I drenched my pillow with tears.  I even thought about taking my teddy bear out of the closet; I was pretty upset.  I woke up this morning feeling fine though.

Maybe it's because I feel so not understood and maybe unheard. I felt so HURT last nite for some reason.  And this hurt never seems to go away.  The only thing that I find soothing is listening to really sad songs--maybe because that's the closest to anyone feeling what I feel.

October 16th, 1999

"What I didn't know then is that the ordinary is always extraordinary if we just pay attention." 

"Words on paper can only recreate approximate truth--they are at best a shadow truth." 

Both of these quotations are by Wilson Choy(author of The Jade Peony) and I liked them, especially the second one.

October 16th, 1999
Today I read something in the paper that seems almost kinda funny--funny because it seemed so weird to me that it could only seem like it was a joke, which it wasn't.  It wasn't a funny that would induce laughter either, for it dealt with a topic that is NEVER EVER funny.  In the October 15th edition of The Vancouver Sun, section A16, there is a full page ad placed by a group called the "Coalition for a Humanistic British Columbia" which I soon discovered to be a group that held extremely racist and sexist views.  They try to hide behind a campaign for "traditional family values in Canada" but I was EXTREMELY shocked and offended after reading their policy statement that cried for the banishment of multiculturalism in Canada and basically turn Canada(a country that takes great pride in being a cultural mosaic) into a country that recognized only the French and English.  They also want a return of strict clothing regulations for both women and men.  "Men should wear trousers rather than jean clothing substitutes, while women should likewise return to skirts and dresses." 

I'm surprised that even today, racism still exists and I'm glad that the majority of us don't hold the same views as the founder of the above association who goes by the name of MIchael E. Chessman.  It's even more surprising that a paper like The Vancouver Sun would publish such trash.  I do believe in Free Speech but publishing a full page ad that endorsed nothing but racism does not appeal to me or much of the population I'm sure.  The paper has realized their mistake and have chosen to pull the ad from the paper.  The founder was actually born of East Indian parents and was originally named Mohammed but he later changed his name.  I must admit his ad is well thought out and one can almost miss that his points are racist.  Maybe one day, we wouldn't ever have to be exposed to such stuff.

October 11th, 1999
Today is Thanksgiving(in Canada).  It makes me think, not of a Turkey dinner--which my family won't be having, but of how sometimes it's so easy to forget about all the good things in life.  It's sometimes hard to be happy and thankful though, when some people in society have to have this "life is a f*cking piece of sh*t" attitude and they not only make it clear, but they have problems with people who want to view and live life in a happier and much more optimistic manner than they(obviously they are not the majority of us) would like.

It's true that I'm not always "miss happy" or all smiles but, especially on this webpage, I've tried to provide a warm and inviting atmosphere where all is welcome. This probably sounds stupid, corny, and/or pathetic to some people, and my page probably doesn't even seem to represent "reality" but at least I have put some real time and effort into making something "nice" rather than trying to make anybody feel bad or hurt. 

Those who know me, know that obviously I'm not "heehee"ing 24/7 or that I, like any human being on this planet, am far from perfection; but, I did make this page with a smile on my face and I did anticipate that others would like it, too.  Criticism only means that the visitor paid attention to my page and saw that there could be improvements--and I welcome this.  But, what sorta fueled this entry, was that someone out there was disrespectful enough of myself and my visitors to write some very rude comments in my guestbook. 

I chose to delete the obscene entry, but that person(a coward perhaps?) obviously did not even have the guts to provide their name or email so I may give them credit for voicing their opinions.  I mean, opinions count for a lot more when one isn't afraid to admit to having them.  Otherwise, it just seemed chicken of that person to do such an act.  I came to the conclusion that that particular, faceless, person is just bitter, and resents anyone who has a better attitude than he or she.  I can giggle or smile when I feel like I want to do so, and I'm thankful for that.

October 4th, 1999
I just finished reading today's edition of The Vancouver Sun.  There were a few pages about the views, aspirations, and fears of some teenagers about to graduate this year(2000).  It made me think--about where I was a year ago, and about the fears, uncertainty, and aspirations inside me.  I started to think about who I was a year ago,  and about who I've become.

Last September I started my first year at the University of British Columbia as a pre-commerce arts student.  I actually found out that I was accepted somewhere in April I think because I got early admission.  It was something I had been working for those long yet so very short five years of high school.  And I was pretty sure that some people didn't think I would make it, including my very own parents.  One of the reasons that I strived to succeed was just to prove my parents wrong.  I don't know if they were ever really proud--maybe deep inside they were sometimes.

My friends and I were worried about pretty much the same things.  About how hard university/college would be, how we would have to be more self-disciplined, how scary and strange it would feel like to sit in a large lecture hall, how we would now longer be able to sit around our lockers at break and lunchtime, and how we would have to grow up. 

Finding my way around was actually not even on my mind.  I've got the worst sense of direction yet I always made it to class if I decided to go.  The first day was scary.  I think it was probably for most people because it wasn't high school anymore.  UBC had Imagine UBC for first years to make it easier I guess.  We were divided into small groups consisting of those who were guaranteed to share a class w/ you(mine was my econ100/discussion).  After some get-to-know-each-other activities, we were paired off.  My "buddy" left me somewhere in the middle.  I later became friends with two of the group members, but that was later.  For lunch that day I bought a chicken salad sandwich and chocolate milk from Trekkers.  With plenty of time leftover but no buddy to get acquinted with, I left to check my email.  A(second year) friend surprised me with an email postcard(one from another university but it was still nice) which really brightened up my day.(Mike, that really meant a lot to me =) thanks).  That day was over, and then the days just seemed to roll over into the next until the year was over. 

Well, I did make some new friends, have some "memorable" experiences, and I also sat in those large lecture halls with hundreds of others.  But I also skipped a few classes, didn't study enough, and just didn't take school seriously. I also had my "crises".  I had problems with some aspects of my social life, and some family problems.  This all had to do with the decisions I chose to make.  In highschool I had a very consistent near 4.0 gpa, I was a part of many clubs, I was on the Grad Committee, I was in choir, I was on the Senior Tennis Team, and I had my goals.  But now I longer knew what I was working towards.  But I think I did grow up, at least a little bit.  The whole experience undoubtly changes each and everyone.

I'm still here, and I'm starting my second year now(which is going by very very fast).  One of the differences between hs and uni is that the days, weeks, and months seem to go by so much faster.  I had my first midterm today(which I could've done better on) and I have another tommorow which a few more and some in class essays and assignments due in the very near future, marked on my calender.  I could've been kicked out or put on ap(academic probation) last year but I wasn't and I take that as a sign that I'm not a complete failure.  I'm just thankful that I have a "second chance", even though I probably won't be going into Commerce anymore.  I'll just get my B.A. and maybe an elementary school teaching degree for now and see where the road takes me next.
 

September 29th, 1999
I feel "pretty" today.  I hope you don't think that I think that I'm all that, because I don't.  I don't feel superior or anything.  I just feel good about myself today and I don't think that's a crime.  There are days when I just feel ugly, "unpretty".  It's just today that I feel a lil bit pretty even though sometimes I think I'm fat, and my hair's too frizzy, and that I'm just funny looking..

September 23rd, 1999
It's been two weeks since school has started.  These two weeks have gone by so quickly, although at times I would wish time would go by even faster.

It's funny weird how life is so cruel to allow you to realize things only after you could've used the wisdom.  And then you would think I would know better and listen to the advice of others but I don't because I'm stubborn and I always want to do things my way, even though that might mean getting myself in some sticky situation.  But it's true how sometimes good things come out of bad things.  I swear it's true although I sometimes wonder if I could live without the "good things" in my life.  To be honest, although I do wish I could have more faith in God, I'm an atheist most of the time.  But that doesn't mean I don't think about my actions, or sins.  I think I'm generally a good person.  I think about what's right and wrong.  I guess there's no such thing as a part-time Christian.  I listen to Christian music because it sounds good.  I have values and morals and when I feel like I really need to, I talk to God.  This would probably send a message to some Christians that I can become like them, if only I had the faith.  I've tried though,  I like Christianity but I don't think I want to be a Christian.  I'm not telling anyone to believe in God or not believe in Him; I just don't believe.