So. You're back. Expecting an article, too, I shouldn't wonder. Fiends.
But you won't get one. I'm not writing one. I haven't even written this sentence. You must be hallucinating. Though since you're here, I suppose I'm obligated to entertain you vultures. Hors d'oeuvres, anyone? The lutfisk is very tasty (and smelly, but if you eat it with stinky cheese you won't be able to tell), or perhaps you'd prefer a plain, ordinary...sandwich! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! *kakkles with glee and rubs hands together nefariously*

-NOW ENTERING THE IMAGINARY-ARTICLE ZONE. HI.-

Well, you knew it was coming. Or, you knew at some point but forgot. Ha! Bet you can't guess what it is! (Unless you're a dirty little sneak and read ahead to the next paragraph.) This month's topic is...

*Cue spooky organ music*

Ninnies! No reading ahead! You aren't allowed to see the rest of the article, or you'll find out what the topic is!

The return of the CHAMBER POTS! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, so it's not quite as radical as most of the ezine this month...but tough legumes. You'll just have to live with it, I guess.

But on to the rant. Can't put it off forever, ya know.

Honestly, what's with the lack of defecation in Redwall? It's not that disgusting...I mean, ol' BJ doesn't have to describe it in detail or anything, but it'd be nice to know that the abbeydwellers' bladders don't explode every few weeks, and that they're replaced with clones when no one's looking.

As a matter of fact, the subject is avoided in most books, movies, and other&things. Heck, it's not even a subject! It's the opposite of food, isn't it? Shouldn't it be given the same airspace? Writers don't have to inform us every time someone dumps, but it'd be awfully nice of them to at least let us know that the characters aren't superhuman mutants with never-ending intestines.
Our intrepid and fearless leader, the much-revered Brian Jacques, has done us the honor of bestowing upon our fantasy world a compost heap. A compost heap. To thin k that this is far more than any of the passengers on the Nautilus, the heroes of the Hitchhiker's Guide, the residents of Sleepy Hollow, or indeed countless other literary figures, truly boggles the mind. Where does it go?
I, for one, believe the Redwallers and other inhabitants of the Redwall universe are deserving of far more. Let there be privies, port-a-potties, water closets, latrines, amenities, bathroom fixtures, and, yes, even chamber pots! Give Ninian's a ladies' room! Bequeath upon the Caves of Luke's Tribe a urinal! Install in Cavern Hole a state-of-the-art airport restroom, complete with automatic flushy-thingies!

Citizens of the ROC, join me to demand equal rights for Redwallers! No abbeydweller shall be deprived of a restroom! No hordebeast shall be denied a toilet!

First, we must install chamber pots in every abbey, castle, and fortress, and set aside an unused storeroom in Redwall to be converted into a garderobe. Second, dig evenly spaced latrine pits in the Western Plains and construct port-a-potties along the North and South Paths. Thirdly, install bathrooms in all the woodland homes, and set up ladies' and men's rooms in Castle Floret.

Someday, we will have completed our noble mission, and our furry friends will have to hold it in no longer. They will have been granted the freedom to defecate, a right so basic no one considers it a right. Then we can start setting up multiparty elections, and- *is knocked unconscious by a well-thrown hardcover book*

Meh...Please, not the Martin-Bashing!

Okay, in lieu of Martin-bashing this month, I'd like to give y'all some things to think about and vegetate over instead of a new way to kill Marty Mouse. First, since no one sent me any ideas; second, I can't think of any on my own at the moment; and third, I think the poor guy's had enough by now. Besides, vegetating and pondering is fun! So:

Where the heck IS Sampetra anyway?
Why is the Big Inland Lake an ocean in The Long Patrol?
Why are the South Cliffs to the north of Marshank, while the North Hills are southward?
Why didn't the badgers and the otters team up and eat the mice?
A HAMSTER?!
Why is there a town in Turkey called Ezine?
In general, "why?"

That is all.

-Your Devoted Pomplemoussey