A Call To Action!
It has come to our attention that there is a scourge upon the national landscape. A scourge that threatens to rend the very fabric of American Society. We are ashamed to admit that while we were aware of its presence, our vision was clouded and untrue - we actually believed it to be benign and helpful. We did not know until recently the extent of the devastation that this vile force is wreaking upon the American populous.
What is this malignancy? What is this veritable horror that threatens us? It is none other than the evil institution of Affirmative Action. I know that I, myself, the founder of WOW-DUDE, was as shocked to hear this as you must be. But it must be true, my friends. I, myself, have sat and read the heartbreaking stories. I, myself, have seen the word "injustice" rephrased in enough ways to make Roget gag. I, myself, have seen the phrase "more qualified" used often enough to seriously worry about the possibility of voluntary "q" rationing countrywide. The thoughts that follow are not nice, but we must brace ourselves. We must overcome our squeamishness at their sheer horror before we can understand the magnitude of the problem.
- Imagine the emotional trauma of finding out for the first time in your life that Daddikins isn't omnipotent and able to forever protect you from that heretofore nasty little abstraction known as "The Real World."
- Imagine the profound impact on a person's psyche when they leave the safety of their well-manicured lawns and schools where their biggest concern was remembering their locker combination. The sheer unadulterated horror they must feel when they contemplate the fact that someone from a rat-infested tenement, with no Daddikins at all and with a school more closely akin to a three-ring circus actually had the unmitigated gall to turn out just as qualified as them.
- Imagine their horror when they realise that that female applying for the position might possibly get it instead of them, when simply anyone that is anyone knows that they should be at home cooking and having babies - or at least in the typing pool where a man could leer at their cleavage.
- Imagine their consternation at the thought that someone who has a name that's simply impossible for real Americans to pronounce might actually be chosen instead of them.
- Imagine their mental anguish as they contemplate how best to tell their friends that they were actually much more qualified but the organization they applied with decided to voluntarily lower their standards and worth because of the jack-booted rascist thugs in Washington.
Tell your friends. Tell your spiritual advisor. Tell your cocker spaniel. We must spread the word of this national tragedy. We must all gather together and do whatever is possible to assist this poor, unfortunate, and reviled segment of the American population before we can truely consider ourselves to be an enlightened society.
Please consider adding yourself to the list of Americans dedicated to erasing the pain and suffering of these poor people; who have been forced by circumstances beyond their control into appealing to our sense of pity. Scour your abode, be it a home, a rent-controlled apartment, a 1969 Chevy Malibu or the alley behind the adult book store. Gather up all of your unused stock certificates, rolex watches and beer steins. If you happen not to have unused stock certificates, rolex watches and beer steins, then please tell us what you, personally, will do to make amends for the tragic circumstances that we have forced these unfortunates to endure.
You say that you are a white male and want to support our cause? We welcome you with open arms. If your fellow white males question you, make up a disability - perhaps "mentally deranged" that will do much to assuage them and help restore their seriously depleted sense of value.
Note: If you are flaming our organization, please use the "Conservative-Republican" option so that it doesn't accidently get filed under the actual "Mentally Unbalanced" or "Neandertal" groupings.