As you’ve probably already guessed, I’m a huge comic book fan, so when the community of the Survey Message Board (which sadly no longer exists) over at Jonah Weiland's Comic Book Resources pooled their creative efforts and created these lists a few months back, I naturally had to hang on to them. Enjoy!
(oh, and I know the Time Force Rangers really don't have much to do with comic books, but c'mon, I just had to use that picture somewhere)
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- Top Ten Signs your Local Superhero doesn't care anymore
- Top Ten Worst Superpowers to gain
- Top Ten Lamest Archenemies
- Top Ten Perks to being a Superhero
- Top Ten Things you hear at Xavier Institute during down-time
- Top Ten Worst Superhero team names
- Top Ten Signs the villain wants to defect
- Top Ten Things you never want to hear a superhero say
- Top Ten superhero 'personal ads' we'd like to see
- Top Ten Worst Supervillain Schemes
- Top Ten Reasons Why Superheroes Can't Hold Real Jobs
10. He sits at a local resturaunt eating cheese while aliens are attacking the city.
9. Refuses to wear his costume on what he claims are "Casual Fridays."
8. Every tree on every block has cats in it.
7. His secret identity disguise is just a nametag saying "Not A Super Hero."
6. His battle cry is "Feh..."
5. His new arch-enemy is Late Pizza Delivery Guy.
4. He wears the cape while super-heroing and in secret identity.
3. Asks arch-rival "Why can't we all just get along?"
2. Only rescues exceptionally attractive reporters who regularly fall from great
heights. The ordinary-looking ones can fend for themselves.
1. Looks forward to meeting other-dimensional counterpart so that he can take over while the hero spends those two weeks in Maui!
10. The ability to track people by the unique smell of their feet
9. The power to flush toilets within a 10-mile radius with a thought
8. The proportional strength and speed of a jellyfish
7. Spontaneous oatmeal generation
6. The ability to sculpt processed American cheese using only the power of your
mind
5. The ability to shape-shift only into Tom Arnold
4. The ability to lip synck to all 'Tiffany' songs
3. The ability to communicate with yeast
2. The ability to detatch and reattach one's toes
1. Acidic Acne
10. The Procrastinator
9. Ming the Moronic (Ming the Merciless' not quite so bright grandson)
8. Toilet-Cleaner Man
7. The Capitulator
6. Mr. Happy
5. The Nihilist (He cares for nothing!)
4. Ann Landers
3. The Participle
2. Polliwog, master of slimy, limbless amphibians!
1. Dr Mildly Incompetent
10. Racking up frequent flier miles.
9. Chicks dig a man in uniform.
8. You ALWAYS get shot from your 'best side', or you get to nuke St. Louis.
7. You get to make REALLY important-sounding speeches while beating the living
tar out of your hapless opponents.
6. You don't have to clean up the mess you made of the city after a battle.
5. There's always some leather-clad, hot villianess throwing themselves at you!
4. You can blame any mistakes on an evil twin and people will believe you.
3. If you die...don't worry about it, you'll be back in a couple of months.
2. You always get to keep a brightly-coloured, target-attracting sidekick with you at all times.
1. Nobody knocks your one-liners, no matter how dumb they are.
10. "Hank, please clean the drain out after you use the bath tub."
9. "Oh, professor, Jean and Scott are at it again!"
8. "No Scott, you CAN'T blast Wolverine to smithereens just for looking at
Jean."
7. "For God’s sake, Bobby! Haven’t you outgrown that freezing-the-underwear prank yet?!"
6. "Where's the earplugs... Sean's listening to Porter and Dolly again?"
5. "Gambit, get your hands off me!"
4. "Gah! I'm so TIRED of dealing with a cable company that hates and fears us!"
3. "Meet my time-traveling child from a possible future. Or are they a duplicate self from a dystopian parallel timeline? No wait...I think they’re my clone made by an old enemy...Darn it! I can't keep it straight anymore! *sob*!"
2. "Damn, who dresses you?"
1. "NO, Charlie. We DON'T want to know why they call you the Love Professor."
10. The Incontinents
9. Flamingo Force
8. The S***-Heads
7. The Inconceivable American Mutts
6. The Kick Butt Squad
5. The Blasphemous Five
4. The Flatulence Four
3. The Male Strippers of Justice
2. Beating Bad Guys R Us
1. The Brotherhood of Adult Movie Theater Janitors
10. They've taken to pastel colors and are caught humming tunes from the latest
Disney film.
9. They send you a gift basket for your birthday, and it doesn't have explosives or poisoned food in it.
8. Their new catch pharse is "Love is a wonderful thing."
7. He comes to hero headquarters armed only with a mattress, and asks "where can I bunk?"
6. They *suddenly* get amnesia!
5. His powers/gimmicks are virtually the same as a popular hero from the other comic book company.
4. They say things like, "C'mon! I haven't killed anyone in a WHOLE WEEK!"
3. She stops trying to seduce her enemies with sexy outfits and poisoned aphrodisiacs, but with brownies and hand knitted socks.
2. Instead of opening a death-camp, they open a quaint Bed and Breakfast hotel on the outskirts of a nice residential suburb.
1. They start wanting to slap hands with you and start calling you "homie" or
"dawg."
10. "So what if the body was never found? They'll never be back to fight us again, so put the only device that can stop them in a barely guarded spot. It'll be fine, trust me, ya' nervous nellie!"
9. "What do you mean I'm a clone?"
8. "This time, I'm going to try to put my underwear on FIRST."
7. "I don't think my breasts are big enough! I mean, what if I get shot in the
chest?"
6. "Well, I have this device called a 'Planetary Chance Machine'..."
5. "What's my motivation here?"
4. "Ah, let him go. He'd be out in six months anyway."
3. "What do you mean I'm trying to use powers I don't have again?"
2. "You’re telling me this isn't the guy? Well, who's head did I knock clean off
then?"
1. "Oh hell, I'm wearing Robin's underwear!"
10. I'm looking for someone big and green.
9. SWM Billionaire who likes adventure, computers, and heavy metal is seeking a SF for fun and romance, but please no women who die easily or are plotting to kill me.
8. Desperate, savage SWF looking for someone who can defeat me in a fair
swordfight. Cheaters welcome.
7. Do like guys with silky hair? Well I'm covered in a thick layer of it all over. And it's blue! And I used to be an Avenger! Where I was portrayed as a real swinger, but now I'm trapped in an "X" book and have to act all angsty and lonely all the time! Save me!
6. WOF (Twice-Widowed, Once-Annulled Orange Female) with unrealistic physique,
amazing amount of hair and ability to project starbolts, seeking SM for fun and
intimacy and to make Dick jealous.
5. Will fight evil for room and board.
4. Me horny and superpowered, you stacked and vunerable to getting kidnapped.
3. Will frag bastiges for booze.
2. Metahuman speedster looking for a woman who lives life in the fast lane only, and loves instant gratification.
1. Super-SWM seeks understanding and slightly gullible SWF. Must be okay with
spandex and underwear worn on outside of pants. Inability to see through simple
disguises is a plus.
10. Creating endless punk bands and blonde female pop singers to hypnotize the
masses.
9. Stealing the nation's string-cheese supply, making fatty snacks slightly harder to find, making everyone slightly more annoyed, and so-on until the world is in CHAOS! *Mwa-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha*!!!
8. Unleashing Hostess Twinkies, Cup Cakes and Fruit Pies into the atmosphere
rendering all powerless to the light fluffy center, chocolatey goodness, and real fruit!
7. To kidnap the world's most brilliant scientists from around the world so that they can pool their expertise and create the world's most powerful paperclip.
6. Threatening to kill Kathie Lee Gifford unless his ransom demands are met.
5. Promising to reek havoc on the bustling cities of Rutland, Mass., Trinidad, Colo., and Texico, New Mexico if 'they' don't let the Wayans Bros. host the MTV awards next year.
4. Causing chaos among the superhero community by using his powers to make all
the females have really large breasts.
3. Removing all the flushing-knob things in all the toilet seats in the whole world.
2. Perfecting the process of cloning living beings, and producing a veritable army like the world has never seen! An army of... FUZZY EASTER CHICKS!
1. Strand a group of people on on island and force the unsuspecting public to watch what happens.
10. They take too much sick leave due to Kryptonite exposure.
9. Health plan won't cover them.
8. You can't fit hairnets over glowing winged helmets.
7. Flaming skull keeps setting off the sprinkler system.
6. Two words - Mutant Discrimination.
5. Employers have trouble believing that, yes, they are indeed dead for the third time.
4. And they don't get to call in dead anyway, they have to use a sick day.
3. They keep crashing through windows or walls. They just can't get the hang of using a door.
2. That "The Green Goblin destroyed my report again" excuse is getting WAAAY tired.
1. Male colleagues can't stop staring and muttering to themselves, "So big...they have to be fake..."
Disclaimer - the references above to popular comic book characters and comic books are being made in fun only - I don't own 'em, DC and Marvel do, and I’m not making any money out of them. Please don’t sue me, I don’t have any money anyway.
Phew.