Hang on.This world is perfect evil and perfect beauty. It's the single most horrible dungeon and most magnificent palace and that's fucked up. Each day I stand staring at the cafeteria line, or at the crowds bustling to and from class, and I wonder what they're thinking. Are they happy? Are they in love? Are they horny? Are they worried? Are they scared? Are they suicidal? Do they want to get drunk and have a good time? Do they want to get drunk and forget? Are they ready to face the world one more day, and battle their foes? Are they tired and ready to take a nap? A long nap. Are they feeling like they cannot go on? Are they wondering how they ever lived before such a wonderful day?Today was the most beautiful day of the year. I've said that to myself at least five times since school started, at least. The weather was perfect, not too hot, not too cold, and the sky was as blue as it's ever been. Today was the worst day of the year. I've said that five other times as well. I cried today, and that doesn't happen too often. I laughed today as well. I'm pretty sure I did both at the same time. It's such an ugly world that I can't stand to stare at it for long, but it's so beautiful that if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to anyway. It's been a long time coming, but I knew it would. I always knew it would. Little by little I've been gaining pieces of it, and now it's here in its wholeness, and all of its beauty. Today I had my revelation.
Not too long ago, I was told by no less than three people that they wanted to kill themselves, all within a two-week span. I know a couple others that have felt the same. When I'm staring at the cafeteria line or the sidewalks between academic buildings, I see a lot of smiles; there are a lot of people laughing. Are these |
"El Distorto de Melodica," by Everclear --Track #1 I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. --Wes Bently, in American Beauty "Natural Blues," by Moby --Track #2 |