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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Dear Harvey –Advice Column 4-9-2002

Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from Mreen, Peacekeeperchuck, KimberlyBlue and SunAeryn. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.

*I can’t believe another weeken has gone by already. I do so love these columns, I hope it never ends!* I settled down to do this weeken’s column and opened the first letter.

Dear DearHarvey,

Is Farscape cancelled?

A Newbie


*ACK! Cancelled. It can’t be. JOHN! Where are you?* I practically screamed. *Oh this is very upsetting.*

*Harvey, I thought you wanted privacy while you did the column. What happened? You look gray, even for your pasty complexion.* John couldn’t imagine what was bothering Harvey, but it had to be very serious.

With shaking hands I handed the e-mail to John. *Can this be true? Tell me it isn’t true!*

*Bwahahaha – so SciFi got your shorts in a bunch too? No, it has not been cancelled. Your column will continue for the foreseeable future. Hahahaha* John sat back; a single tear ran down his cheek.


Dear Newbie,

No! Banish all such thoughts from your mind.  Start chanting: Farscape Forever!

                          ______________________________

Dear Harvey

Is it wise to penetrate the inner circle of your 'mark' just so you can learn their weaknesses? By the way, I've already started to alter their perception of reality.

Slowly coming from behind, for a quick frontal assault,
The Dentic


I could see John lurking, trying to steal a look at this next e-mail. He must not know about this one, I thought. *John, thank you for helping me, but I really must insist that you leave now. I promise to call if I need any more help.* Which is not bloody likely, that first one was a ringer if there ever was one, I thought.

John left.


Dear Dentic,

You are a deep thinker indeed. It is not only wise, but also absolutely essential that you know both the strengths and weaknesses of your ‘mark’. It would be impossible to determine what the best approach is without this knowledge.

In a previous column I advised you determine the personality type of you ‘mark’ in order to determine which is the best approach. I see that you have devised yet a third strategy, one that, by the way, I whole-heartedly approve.

By altering their perception of reality, you are lulling them to believe all is normal, while slowly and imperceptibly changing the real world in that closed environment. John used the example once of boiling a lobster by starting out with cold water and slowly bringing it up to temperature. The lobster cooks without ever knowing it is becoming dinner. I think a lobster is something like a strannat, which means you had better eat it before it pierces your brain; so lulling it into being dinner is both delicious and smart.

Ah, back to your strategy; have I said it is brilliant? It is brilliant. Approaching a ‘mark’ that is aggressive slowly from behind will have the desired effect immediately. You will be able to observe the mark’s behavior, and if your mark seems to be getting too much pleasure out of the act, then you will be able to quickly alter course for the surprise frontal assoult.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It is I who have learned much from this, dearest Dentic.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

I am a future cast member on a popular television show. The lunatics...I mean FANatics who support the show, are concerned that I will be a hindrance to the show.

Hey, I am just a girl who got a job...the evil geniuses behind the show seem to know what their doing! What can I do to put their minds at ease about my character?

Raelee H. in Australia


Dear Raelee,

Nothing. Just do your job and ignore what… *John! How long have you been here? I thought I asked you to leave just a short while ago.* I couldn’t believe my eyes. If I hadn’t been so upset about the cancellation possibility, I would never have raised his specter in the first place.

*I just got back. I thought you’d be done by now. It’s a good thing I saw you writing this. The fans will crucify her, you can’t tell her to do nothing. Give her something constructive to do that involves the fans.* John sat down for the long haul, I could tell he wasn’t about to leave again. I knew I shouldn’t have taken so much time with the Dentic, but at least I finished before he could see my answer.

*You think? But how should she get involved?* I figured if I took his advice on this one, he would leave me alone for the last one.

*A lot of these shows have what they call conventions. That’s where the fans pay to see the actors and directors of a show they watch for free. That would be a perfect opportunity for this actor to show her heart is in the right place, and win the most avid of the fans over. They, in turn, will spread the word.* John sat back and put his feet up on the desk.

Dear Raelee,

First, I suggest you become extremely active and attend all the conventions you can possibly go to. The most fanatical of the fans will be there and they will not be able to rail against you if you become their favorite personality by sucking up to their whims, off camera, of course. Then, if you are accused of some heinous act on camera, you can sheepishly grin and shrug you shoulders indicating that is not for you to dictate what goes on in front of the camera.

I would also ask you the question, has this happened on this show before? Or is this the first time a new character has been introduced into the existing family? If this is the first time, it will be more difficult to win the fans over, but I’m sure you can do it.

                        ______________________________

Dear Harvey,

My housemate really doesn't like Farscape.  She really gets on my last nerve with her immense dislike for it.  I've tried various ways to tell her to back the frell up, when it comes to Farscape...but she's just not getting the picture.  Can you help me?

Frellin' fed up,
Twanda

Dear Twanda,

Throw her out.

*Harvey, you can’t just tell her to throw her roommate out. She might need the money.* John was meddling again.

Dear Twanda,

Throw her out and get a new housemate, one that likes Farscape.

Short of that, you have one of two choices as I see it. Choice one: Force her to watch Farscape every time you do by tying her to a chair and covering her mouth with duct tape so she can’t scream and cause people to wonder what is going on; or, choice two: Change all the locks on the doors and her out of the house when you want to watch Farscape. The first has the advantage of being cheaper and easier to do, unless you can get a new housemate.

*Is that better, John?* I asked.

*Not my answer, but yes, that will do.
*Are you through?* John was really impatient this time.

*Sigh… yes, I’m done for the weeken.*
*Crap! Just when I was on a roll, too.* I went back to my dudgeon.
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