Thoughts
December 31, 2001
2 days to go.....today was a grand day. what did we do...hmm.........we went bowling...to bad we didn't take the video camera. hmm...then.....we went to K-mart....yaaay. afterwards..we went to kroger......double yaaay. then we came home. unlike most folks that drink champagne and beer and party with their fellow haramoos.....we drank milk from wine glasses and ate danish cookies to welcome in the new year. what a par-tay that was.
December 30, 2001
3 days to go.....i wanna go, i wanna go, i wanna go, i wanna go. hamlet helped to bring me back into school spirit...thank god for homework....we went to putt putt today...heeheeeeehhehehe
December 29, 2001
4 days to go.....
December 28, 2001
5 days to go.....
December 27, 2001
6 days to go.....
December 26, 2001
7 days to go.....say shava shava...mahiya, say shava shava. can't get those damn k3g songs outta my head. we's about to go eat somewhere...it's weird, for i had forgotten what it was like go eat out....i'm over the whole going back to school thing. it's a hell of a lot more fun being here than in augusta...at least there's stuff to do here as opposed to sittin gin my room all day staring at the ceiling.
December 25, 2001
8 days to go.....ho ho ho. i had a dream last night, but dammit, i forgot what it was. i smell omlet. too early to think...toodles...........i got wet at centennial park....in 39 degree weather....cold is a biatch.
December 24, 2001
9 days to go.....today was a grand day. i sat on the cooler for 2 hours on the way here to atlanta...but it was fun. anyhoo, we got here, i ate some cheese, and we all went to the mall where we proceeded to watch all the other folks buy buy buy in a mad frenzy. I must say, it was rather funny to see everyone going nuts...heehee. we then went to pizza hut for dinner, however, the damn thing closed....afterwards, we proceeded to another pizza place...but lo and behold, it was closing. we ended up in a chinese buffet place for dinner. i enjoyed plenty of chinese doughnuts and baby corn. :-D after that, we saw k3g. now, i know i say this about a lot of movies...but this time i mean it. this was the grandest movie i've ever seen in my entire life. as we all know, i have no heart. however, the emotional saturation of the film forced me to cry like a mad fool. good thing i sat in front so no one could see me in such a weak state. it wasn't the actual movie that made me cry...but the plot itself just reminded me of my own family...and of course, as the title of the movie states, family oftentimes has its moments of gham. thus, as i laughed throughout the good parts, i cried throughout the sad ones. anyhoo, i suspect it's time for me to mozy on to the ground so i can get some slumber.
December 23, 2001
10 days to go.....i'm enjoying myself thoroughly. we went to lake today....and apparantly, i didn't learn anything from freezin yesterday cause i froze my booty off worse today. it was a grand ol' time we had there...me go on see saw with and demostrated torque...heehee...i do learn in physics. then me and momz and pops went on the playground fortress thingy and slid down the pole...a grand ol' time it was.
December 22, 2001
11 days to go.....ho ho ho and a footlong subway sub....we went to riverwalk today....due to my stupidity, i wore open-toed sandals...thus, my toes are about to fall off. :(
December 21, 2001
12 days to go..... Somebody save me…let your warm hands break right through and just save…save me. For the love of my eardrums, please, somebody come save me from this house. Save me and fly me to the magical land of Nashville where everyone loves each other…ok, so they don’t show it all the time. But love genuinely remains within each and every family member there. Too bad I can’t say the same for certain other folks. Somebody save me and take me to my true family where I can feel love and be myself and live in a type of happy-go-lucky bliss that I can’t find here. School was the escape, but I don’t even have that anymore. Somebody come save me and whisk me ahead through time and take me to January 2nd when I can go back to school and find a refuge from all this crock that I don’t wanna deal with because it has no substance. I can’t deal with this shit from hell because I can’t see any real justification for it…there is no real reason for it…it’s all petty crap that has no significance in the context of the big picture, but they continue on as if it composes their whole lives. It’s all a bunch of crap that doesn’t matter. Perhaps it can be seen as naïveté on my part…I’d rather be a naive child who can see the underlying lack of substance to all this crap than a “mature” adult who takes on this crock like it matters.
December 20, 2001
13 days to go..... i was just waiting for something to happen...waiting quietly and patiently...and it did today. all i wish i could have at this point was the peace that i had a mere month or so earlier....I WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! dammit...the last winter vacation at home, and all i wanna do is go back to school....sad, sad sad.....i'm really gettin sick of all these damn love songs. i just hate em now. bring on the rap....Perhaps the most ominous question to reach the ears of a teenager: “What do you want to do with the rest of your life?” It is a question that remains as a dagger of fear piercing the hearts of all youth. It forces me to make a serious decision in my life that I feel too immature to make. As I sit here contemplating a reasonable answer for this question, I wonder to myself how many essays like this have been written, and how many of their answers have been followed through by their writers. The fact of the matter is, I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel as if making such a rash decision at such a young age would only hold me back from what I am destined to do. Suppose I answer the question by stating that I want to major in psychology and become a professor, molding the young minds of tomorrow and thus providing a significant meaning for my life. This is my current answer to the question. At this point in life, I feel as if earning a Ph D in psychology and then proceeding to teach it is my goal. However, what if this is not truly what I am meant to d o? What if, at this young, 18-year-old stage of my life, what seems right at the moment is not truly what I am meant to do? What if pursuing this one goal in life forces me to ignore my true calling, whatever it may be? The fact of the matter is that I cannot answer this question at this point in my life. Perhaps it seems rather immature, perhaps my confusion is normal, or perhaps I am just a lost soul who needs some guidance in life. I’m just not sure.
December 19, 2001
14 days to go.....OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....I hate being a girl. :(
December 18, 2001
15 days to go.....we went to the mall and it was just dandy. i thought last night....i thought and i got extremely frustrated. i'm tired of waiting for a particular college to reply back to me w/ an acceptance or rejection letter....why do i HAVE to go there anyways?!? it's not like they actually have anything to offer me, for i am not a math/science oriented individual...although i may not know what i wanna do w/ my future, why do i have to go to a college that would force me to do what i know i don't wanna do.....why can't i go somewhere that may actually give me options for my future...why do i have to do what everyone else expects me to do...it's my life, dammit....why do i have to go somewhere just because it's convenient for everyone else?????!! so what if it's more prestigious....perhaps i'd rather do what's best for me.
December 17, 2001.....
16 days to go till school. i'm kinda liking my sleep, however.......the following is "breathing" by lifehouse. tis the story of my life.
I've
found a long way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do
When I get there...
Take a breath and hold on tight
And spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...
I'm looking past the shadows in my mind
Into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head
God, I wish it were you
Let me feel one more time what it
Feels like to feel and
And break these callouses off of me one more time
'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I
want nothing more
Than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah-ah...
I don't want a thing from you
I bet you're tired of me
Waiting for the scratch to fall off
Of your table to the ground...
'Cause I just wanna be here now...
'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah...
'Cause I'm hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be...
Where I wanna be...
December 16, 2001
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. candy....it really kills me, i wanna go.
December 15, 2001
That stupid squirrel is there again in the same spot, thrashing his tail about in a joyous nature. Too bad i can't be a squirrel....lol, to bad i'm me. golly good gracious, i may be the only individual on the face of this earth who would rather go to school than have 2 weeks vacation. as oddly insane as it sounds...there's more peace there than there is here, currently. even though i complain about it all the time, i think i do enjoy my solitude...i'm just more used to it now...........another example of why i love my family....moon is just the coolest person in the world. Whenever i'm feeling down, she's there to pick me up. :) i love you moon....here's what she said to me:" all u have to do i be yourself, u dont have to be a moviestar to get love from ur family, just walk into the room and smile then sit down, and when u feel like saying something, just say it, even if no one else is listening, u know ur trying....i love you uzy, all u gotta do is turn this damn mind sucking computer off, and walk into the room , and sit down, u dont gotta be a moviestar to sit and talk with ur familia."
December 14, 2001
i shoulda gone to school today....well, i did go, but i shoulda stayed. i coulda spent some time w/ my buddies, but instead i decided to come back here so i could sit around alone with a house full of people (that's the worst way to feel lonely...being alone with people all around you) and pity myself like the moron i am. perhaps tonight will be a bit dandy at the mehndi. i told my mom i got into uga and she gave me a hug and a kiss....and today when i got my offical acceptance letter, she pinched my cheek and went "haye, meri chunia!!" i told my dad and he said "ok" with complete apathy and went about his business.
December 13, 2001
There's a little squirrel outside moving his tail side to side in a jolly manner....i feel like him...however, i'm still a bit down, just cause the day was so damn boring. man, that's a dumb squirrel...it's freezing outside....we watched Harry Pothead and the Magical Herb in AP Calculus on the smartboard...god bless expensive school technology. oh yeah, in second period, i went to uga.edu to see my admission status while mrs. tyson was talking about something....all of a sudden, i saw the word "congratulations" on the screen w/ a little fireworks animation next to it. i yelled out, "OH MY GOD, I GOT INTO UGA!....I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...I GOT ACCEPTED TO UGA...!" I then proceeded to let out a massive sigh of relief.....i sooooooo relieved. even if i don't get into tech, at least i have some back up now
December 12, 2001
last night, after spending time pitying myself for being so GAUCHE, katie (heehee), bhabi was showing my mommy the new clothes she bought for herself, and for us. I have to say, she's got the best taste...the outfit she got for me for the wedding is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly gorgeous! i feel unworthy of it, as if my gaze would tatter it's elegant beauty. anyhoo, afterwards, i decided that it was time for her to see azzi in a way she's never seen him....as a toddler :-D so we watched the infamous ansari family home video, which chronicles my family's life from my parents wedding to my 6th b-day. I have to admit, it was great. watching azzi and faru playing together, faru stabbing his foot with a fork, carrying around a knife, then having his cake and eating it too while throwing it all over the kitchen...grand stuff. movies like that are what make life special. lol, a thought just occured to me. inshallah in a year or two, we will be the ones video taping azzi's child...watching it do weird things, and i will be the weirdo crazy aunt acting goofy w/ the poor child. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww............i can't wait...i'm a cheese bag....but apparantly, i am now a crack ho. damn that hershey bar jennifer gave me...not just one, but like 6!! you all should be thanking your lucky stars that i can't eat it at school...it was a marvuloso day!!!!!!! i was walkin through the clouds.....literally, and figuratively. for it was misty outside.....heeeehe, and i was just out of it in my mind.
December 11, 2001
umm.....as i got home and as usual i made a mad dash for the mail, instead of finding anything from any colleges i got something from poetry.com declaring that one of my poems that i had submitted for a scholarship has been chosen to be inserted in an anthology and cd. :-/ hence, i am debating whether or not to allow them to put it in there. too bad i can't write none of that emotional stuff anymore, for like the tin man, i have no heart. however, unlike the tin man, i do not wish to obtain one either.....i'm sitting here alone while the rest of the family (my brother's future in laws and my mom) are sitting in another room talking and laughing. i wish to god that i could be able to just go in there and be sociable and stuff, because they are the nicest people ever, and i have great respect for them. but they are so tight that i don't feel as if i have any place intruding in on them. (sigh) the story of my pathetic life. i also feel as if i'm loosing my brother. everytime i see him with bhabi, it's kind of just a manifestation of how she is his life now, and although i know'll he'll always love us, it'll never be the same again. (sigh) but i have to admit, everytime i see them together, i think in my head "awwwwwwwwwwww" cause they are soooooo cute!!!!!! it also fills me with great joy to see him so happy. but the same will happen with faru, and then eventually, hopefully, me too......hence, i'm afraid of loosing my family. i'm so afraid of loosing my family that i spend way too much time obessing over them. not loosing as in death, well, i guess that too, but i'm afraid that like a particular side of my family that hates each other, i fear one day my dad's side will end up the same way. and there's no way i could handle that. these people are such a massive part of who i am, they compose my sheer being. i dunno, maybe i depend on them too much. it's just that they are the only people in this world that i can be completely free with....i can be 100% who i am. for whatever reason, i am unable to do so with others. hence, i am sitting here alone.
December 10, 2001
going back to what i stated on the 8th........when you are reminded of the other element, you find yourself back in the same position as you were in before. the day was splendid. The following is an example of the types of conversations i have while i'm hungry:
hrcookiewoman: i'm a turtle
hrcookiewoman: i have yet to find my umbrella :'(
PmPn2004: and i am an imaginary firemann
PmPn2004: :-[
hrcookiewoman: firemen die under collapsing buildings
PmPn2004: lol, i know
PmPn2004: u shall see my death on the news
hrcookiewoman: good thing you're imaginary
hrcookiewoman: :-D
PmPn2004: i was trying to save a cat named wiskers
PmPn2004: :-D
hrcookiewoman: whiskers has 9 lives
PmPn2004: damn rite, i have one
hrcookiewoman: kill the damn thing and fry it for dinner
PmPn2004: bastard screwed me over
December 9, 2001
my mind's too full to express a thought..............ok, currently, nothing is in my brain except air, so i can think. here is my sagacious thought for the day: puppy love is like a piece of poo.....while it's with you, you feel helpless, uneasy and gaseous, but once you let it go, it's sheer relief :-D
December 8, 2001
greater day.....when some element in your life seems so massive that it consumes every fiber in your heart and your mind....and then something else, something with actual significance comes along...it feels good knowing that that old element isn't so important after all.
December 7, 2001
great day.
December 6, 2001
it was a filthy, empty day.....just fatigued the whole way through. then i ate a sandwich and all my troubles flew away. i have you belong to me playing continuously over and over again on my winamp...hence, i'm in that sappady dappady state currently.
December 5, 2001
The day was great. I spent so much time looking for a nice poem, but i found this song, and it just kinda...i dunno, it just kinda makes my heart feel nice...it's simple, yet extravagant at the same time....it also brings me on the verge of crying everytime i hear it cause it's so damn sweet. it from shrek soundtrack.
See
the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me
See
the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me
And
I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly
the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me
Oh
I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
Fly
the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me
Poll for the day:
if i fell, what would your initial reaction be?
1) Jamie:i would laugh my ass off then help u up
2) izzat: i would be shocked, then laugh
3) faru: i would think about something else
December 4, 2001
while driving to school this morning, i thought about mojeeb chacha and his weed....and it made me chuckle, hence, i had a great start for my day.........I don't know....i just don't know. Please, someone help me to understand.....been feeling melancholy for no apparant reason, lately. maybe i need to stop procrastinating...perhaps if i did something besides sleep and lie around all day, i would be in a chippier state of mind....hmmm....perhaps. ramzaan helps me to appreciate everyone around me a lot more. i love my mommy, and my pappy, and my bhai jaans and my chotey bahains and bhaios...i love everyone. i know i say this all the time, and it may even be getting a bit cliched now, but i love you people with all the heart i have. i'm a callus fool most of the time, but you all bring out the best in me. i would be a lost soul in a crazy world without you all. hugs and kisses all around for anyone who cares enough to read this.
December 3, 2001
Still waiting for my damn twinkie. It's a sad day when someone as callus as me looks up poems online....truly sad..............i hate myself for feeling so vulnerable towards my emotions, i hate myself for not being in control, i hate myself for not being strong enough to say anything and get this stupid crap over with. i hate being stuck in a position i can't do anything about. :(
December 2, 2001
It's december 2nd, yet it feels like april outside. "oh rey kaanchiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, kaanchi ki guryia, hoto mein baandeeeeeeey, prem ki puriya. na unhe kooley, na moo se boley, palko mein rak key, aanko se toley." Dreamt about a hallway and a wedding last night.."To see a hallway in your dream, symbolizes the beginning of a path that you are taking in life or a journey into the unknown and self exploration. It represents spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental passages in your life. It is indicative of a transitional phase in your life.""To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition." ..it wasn't azzi's wedding cause he was sitting there eating dinner with the uncles, and it wasn't faru's cause he was standing in the corner next to me. so i don't know.......for the love of god, someone give me a damn twinkie!!........ oh i could tell you why... the ocean's near the shore... i can think o things i've never thought before... then i'd think!.... and think some more!...lalalalala......if i only had a brain :(........ just to register emotion.....jealosy, devotion .....to really feel a part....i'd feel young and chipper, and i'd lock it with a zipper ...if i only had a heart :(
December 1, 2001
Wow, it's december. too early to think...lemme just put some song lyrics up...."U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad"
