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March 24th 2005 - Existence
?Well, here we are again. Once more I have returned to the Tome of Egomania, eschewing my Livejournal. So - how am I feeling? Not too good to be honest, feeling very burdened by my distinct lack of a future. I know it gets tiresome to keep on using these things as an excuse to moan about how shit everything is, but I can't do it very well in person. In real life, its far easier just to be daft and make jokes and go through the motions, because none of us desire to bring anybody else down. Its just more...embarassing talking about this shit in person, I believe so strongly in the importance of having a role to play in a group that it doesn't fit in with my "character" when I'm around other people. I've caught myself staring into space a few times, and just drifting off when I'm with my friends and that makes me feel even worse than I was doing before, so I guess its not entirely altruistic to keep on acting OK.
I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to talk with people as I know that they've talked to each other - I just have this constant feeling that everything that bothers me is of no significance whatsoever, and that I'm just being stupid. *sigh* Writing the "About Me" section brought up some old memories, stuff I haven't thought about seriously for a long time, all this crap I've just buried under layer after layer of Gen-X sarcasm and an "Everything will be OK" attitude. Its stuff that's always vaguely there, but I tend to avoid thinking about the details of it, because of how it makes me feel. I don't even know why it bothers me so much, its not like my friends are going to ignore and despise me because of it.
Look - its the future thing. That's what's really making it such a thing. I'm really starting to think about my future - moving away maybe, different job and an inevitable part of that is having someone to share it with. I thought I'd got to a "no way, never again" place since coming back - after all, I've had a great time living with my friends, it made me feel like it was the second year of university again - and I never wanted or needed someone to share my life with. Its a lie though, I guess we are conditioned that way, despite my occasional bouts of depressing cynicism. Its winding me up for a couple of reasons. First of all, I'm not meeting anybody, and those I do meet don't seem...special. Some people are nice enough, yeah, but no-one has made me go "Wow". I don't have any anticipation, or eagerness about seeing someone or bumping into them or whatever. I thought for a while that my daydreams about Mel would turn into that...desire, but no. To be honest, I'm indifferent as to whether or not I see her and whilst that's good, its also kind of disappointing, she's the only person that I've thought about (who I didn't go to college with...) for a long time but its completely gone now - no more dreams, daydreams, fantasies or whatever.
Maybe I'm being influenced by watching The Sopranos but I was thinking earlier today about what Tanker said a while ago, about seeing a psychiatrist. Its not something that's a serious consideration, there's no way I could afford it and I have no real medical reasons to see one, but maybe it'd help in some way. I'm just not feeling like a bloke anymore because there's no-one for me to go after. I mean, I look at Dan and that Tamsin(sp?) and whilst it doesn't appear to be a major thing for him, its something there - a chemistry, a tension, a possibility or a desire or whatever and its something that I'm not displaying. Fuck. Not sure what I'm on about anymore. I guess I just want someone. And there's no-one who that person can be.
Now What? - 19th March 2005
OK, strange past week and a bit really. Not really been on the top of my game, not been feeling too bright about things but again I'm coming back to the place where I don't care as much, and I'm not getting as upset over stupid insignificant events that happened years ago. Again. You try all these different ways of expressing yourself and trying to find new ways to think and look at the world, but its ultimately futile. Changing who you are and how you think about things is like throwing a ball away. You can really put a lot of effort into pulling back and really letting loose, watch the ball fly for miles until you realised that its attatched to you by elastic. And the harder you throw it, the more it hurts when it comes back. Its impossible to change yourself to such a significant degree that problems melt away. You know, I don't even like calling them problems - to me that sounds too arrogant. They're not real problems in that they threaten my health or that of my friends or whatever, its just stupid shit that upsets me.
Been writing again, with not much success. I know what I want to say, but I'm not very good at phrasing it at the moment. And I really don't have that drive to actually express my ideas. Despite common convention, I don't think that I'm a better writer when I'm upset or miserable. Its just that we're all so used to how shitty life is that we automatically assume that only work written under the greatest of depressions has any value whatsoever. I bet the Hungry Caterpillar wasn't written whilst depressed.
Still, thinking about my writing is providing a huge distraction from "the abhorrent things we do or have done" (Thanks Mr Chase...) which is good. I know that I'm not going to be Jules Verne or Raymond Chandler, but when I write a really good passage, even if its only for a minute - I can be. Momentary pride is vastly underrated as an emotional state. You don't have to be very proud of it for a long time (not that that's a bad thing) just a couple of seconds will do. It makes you feel special, and bright, and alive, and important.
But then you come crashing back down and realise that you're not. Shit. I'm not feeling any happier, I've just been more distracted. Fuck it.?
Party Like Its 1999 - 24th March 2005
I should really have written something about the party I attended on Saturday already, but even though it was good fun, it wasn't anything major. It didn't really bring back that many thoughts or new ideas that I wasn't already dwelling on. I guess it emphasised a couple of them, but I don't feel that different - they just kind of reassured me that I'm remembering the way I felt back then well. Which isn't a particularly good thing, but at least I know that I'm looking at things in the right way, and there may be some answer at the end of it. Answer...huh. Its like Hitch Hiker's Guide, they got the answer, but didn't know what the question was. So anyway, this party. It was a good do, I got to see a lot of my friends; Terrence and Peck were about. I also mingled which is always fun. It was pretty odd though, without any conscious effort on my part I was talking to a group of strangers within seconds of arriving at the party. I think the music before hand had something to do with it, I'd been listening to a lot of upbeat songs, lots of metal which I've kind of been ignoring over this past year for some reason. Its a big part of who I am though, so I shouldn't be...avoiding it.
There's nothing really that I can put up here that wouldn't be repeating myself so I'm probably going to go and work on another section, or maybe write up another little theory about a woman who has had some impact on my life in some way or another, although like the others it won't be getting published and put up here, these things tend to have too much of a "Letter to Penthouse" thing going on. Ha! Winamp's random playlist has just put some metal on, and I'm already nodding away as I type and compulsively smiling and feeling confident about things. Its strange how music can have such an effect on you, even if its only a temporary thing. Anyway, the band are called Lordi, and they're from Finland and they totally rock.
I do have one thought actually, which was kind of amusing and must have some significance in some way. Dan was checking the LiveJournal of this girl called Anna who he's kind of developing a bond with and it made me think about the people we interact with on the 'net. He's found this intelligent, politcally active, passionate student type, Richard's got that Christopher dude, who seems to be very deep, introspective and excellent with words and I've got Megan, a girl from the US who worries about and is confused by relationships and how every other member of the opposite gender is callous and shallow, and all she wants is a happy ending. Not too sure exactly what it means, but you can see the point I'm making. If I can figure out the significance of these similarities then...well, it'd be good. Or something. Peace Out.