A while ago, Wiggy broke up with ESP. This was very bad because I thought that she was pretty cool and more importantly, she made my friend happy. After the break-up, I was a little...uncomplimentary of ESP. Nothing horrible, I was just suspicious of her motives in still wanting to see Wiggy after they had broken up. I was judging her by the same criteria I judge all women. I'm not trying to justify my thoughts really, its just that I realise now that she isn't just "a woman", she's a friend, and my friends get far more leeway in their behaviour ;)
Now, this is where the desire part comes in. There was a moment the other week. Only a small one, but a moment nevertheless. We both looked at each other and made a simultaneous, identical shrug motion. Which was incredibly funny - the timing. That was the one event and it made me lok back in retrospect on other occasions when ESP has been around. She's funny. Very funny. And not just funny for a woman (I can't be arsed explaining what I mean by that, if you want to think I'm being sexist then go ahead, I know I'm not so you can just fuck off.) she was as funny as The Massive.
This is a good thing right? I recognise that my friend's girlfriend is special, and I'm even happier for him than I was previously. But, this highlights the point I'm trying to make about how desire is different for every person. Y'see, both me and Wiggy desire ESP, but in different ways. I've picked up on one characteristic that I notice all the time and Wiggy will have done the same, but for a different characteristic. Sure, he probably recognises that she is funny, but doesn't place as much importance on it as I do - we've picked different characteristics and ended up with very different desires.
And that's what's making me wonder about the nature of desire, and how it all comes down to chance. You see one moment, and it is that that moulds your relationship from that point on. Imagine a hypothetical if you will, and when ESP met Dan and Wiggy for the first time she'd picked up on something different. What if Dan had been less verbose at that meeting and Wiggy had talked more? The contrast between him and Wiggy would have been m?uch smaller and perhaps ESP wouldn't have seen Wiggy as quiet, mysterious and interesting. She might instead have latched on to that half-laugh thing he does when he's thinking about something and then associated him with a loving, caring nature. They'd both be in the same position right now, but the dynamic of their relationship would have been very different, and they would have done different things along the way. Perhaps they'd be much more insular? and as a result Dan might not have met Tamsyn(sp?) and gone on to create his own desire for her. Maybe Dan and Tamsyn would have met on a different occasion in different moods and just slept with each other and moved on because they would have seen different characteristics in each other. Y'see what I'm getting at? One event. One moment, and then the ????whole dynamic of the relationship and the nature of the desire is changed.
What am I trying to get at then? What is this desire? I want to get to a point with ESP now where she isn't "Wiggy's Girlfriend". I don't mean that I want them to break up, I mean that I want to be ESP's friend, and have the love for her that I have for Dan, or Richard or the rest of the Massive. And no doubt, this will effect my behaviour around her. And it is a desire, a need. Non-sexual. But when I think of her, I still smile as I do when I think of Vicky, Mel, Steven or whoever. Desire isn't just about being around that person, its about how they make you feel when they're not there.
