OK. Here we go then. We each see different things that creates this feeling of desire within us. A little context now.
I was talking with Peck the other day. We were just chatting as people do, putting the world to rights and all that and inevitably the conversation got round to women. He had somebody at university who was his Vicky, that one woman who all other women you meet will inevitably be compared to and we were talking about how seeing those people or talking to them makes us feel. The conversation turned to more recent events, other women who in some way create this feeling of desire and we started talking about Mel.
Y'see, I'd gone through the whole major mind-fuck of desiring her (check my LiveJournal for details...) and was pretty happy with the way things were: it wasn't a major concern anymore. Unfortunately, it was Easter, and she was back from university and I saw her a couple more times, which kind of brought her back to the forefront of my mind.
OK, the most obvious explanation (which I've kind of covered in the main bit) is that we only look for those things that we want to see, and all these characteristics are present all the time yet we choose to ignore some parts. That's a pretty convincing argument, right? But I find ladylike women attractive too, so why did I ignore this detail? In addition, I saw her as being "sexual" but Peck didn't pick up on this. Why? Seeing somebody as sexual would be a good thing, especially when added to all the other aspects of her personality that he recognised. That seems a little odd to me, making me doubt the main argument.
But what else could it be? I have two other theories, a good one? and a bad one. I'll deal with the bad one first.
This is the "cynicism" theory, which is actually pretty pessimistic. As I'll go on to discuss in the main portion of this thing, desire has a huge impact on how we act around that person. And I always get this sneaking suspicion that our behaviour is so altered by this that it telegraphs our desire to that person. And whilst knowing that someone finds you attractive can be a little unsettling at times, its still an ego-boost. So what if she knows about all those people who desire her (and its got to be more than just me and Peck. Its just that we're the only ones with the cojones to admit it. ;) Come on...) and specifically tailors her behaviour around those people in a way to make them desire her even more. I told you it was cynical. Even this doesn't make too much sense though, because she'd only do that for two reasons. The first being that she desires myself, Peck, and whoever else, and is trying to make herself more appealing to us. This is pretty implausible. Whilst I don't want to create the impression of going on a huge self-esteem based rant, I don't think that there is any likelihood of her desiring me. Not because I think I'm rubbish or not good enough, just that I don't think I'm her type. At all. So why on Earth would she want me to find her desirable? Reason two, that's why. She gets a kick out of having men...drool over her. You know the type. Cat anyone? Someone who feels the need to get attention from the opposite sex because it makes them feel good. This is also pretty unlikely though, because I can usually recognise that type of person and hate them with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. She doesn't seem evil, in fact she's pretty friendly and all that. So it just doesn't mesh.
The last theory. This is more to do with the nature of interpersonal relationships than it is about me, so bear with me and put up with all this narcissism a little longer. We aren't just looking for this behaviour, and neither is she choosing to act in a certain way, but maybe we bring out that behaviour in others. This is something that happens all the time, in all kinds of relationships, the presence of somebody inspires you to act in a certain way - you see characteristics that you like in that person and attempt to emulate them yourself, although its not as simple as that. Combinations of people also effect your behaviour in more complex ways - humour having a detrimental effect on your self-esteem but a positive effect on your charisma or whatever. We each have the ability to bring out the best in others, and make them more than what they are. Greater than the sum of its parts and all that. We're social animals and the way we communicate has a massive effect on how we act. Just look at how we change register for different social situations. This, I think, has credence. Maybe I do make her louder, angrier, more authoratative and all that, and she isn't naturally like that. But who cares? Its not like I see her when I'm not there, so who gives a fuck?
Alright, I haven't really got to the root of anything here and neither have I cited any examples of when she has acted in a "desirable" manner (this is a pseudo-essay, not a letter to Penthouse) but I've given it a whirl.
The point I'm trying to make is simply that desire is about us, and not about the person that we desire. You want more proof? Try the non-sexual example as well then.
