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Consumer's Guide to Girlfriends

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So
we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final
product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion?
A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned whoopee?

Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting
a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you
are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and
a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power
in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you
that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not reccommend this practice;
due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
*increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
--- -------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or
a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age           Used or New
-- --------     ---     -----------
1-12 years           (see note A)
13-16 years          New
17-21 years          Used, but not used up
22-35 years          Used heavily
35-60 years          New (see note B)
60+                      (see note A)
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences
to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough
to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may
be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU
advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the
girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories
-- ----- -----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability to run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
-- ----- -------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
I'll kill you") (I think Wells has used this one) the arcane ("You're my
Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how
fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the
heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
---- -----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology
--- -----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected
to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's
specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and
living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.
A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
- -------
Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity.
Within each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with
all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She
can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game
of raquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't
say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hangups.
The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
spiteful mother, an alchololic father, and a bratty kid.
This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that,
an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely
limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

The Babe:  This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for
impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
girlfriend needs.

The Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availibility is poor to fair,
depending on quality.

The Ford Escort of girlfriends: Widely available, but useful as
a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available.
Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!






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About Women


-----------------------------
WORKPLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lb. but known to vary from 100 to 550 lb.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.