Maine Humor and Info

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State Mottos

Cheep Lobster

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you can spit on Canada from here.

Maine is on the move
.................to Massachusetts.

** Maine logo edited in Paintshop, original logo found at State of Maine website.

Maine Intro

Not being "from" Maine...but having had the auspicious privilege of living in the most northeasterly state in the U.S. for 4 years, I grew accustomed to the peculiarities that surrounded me.

The population of the state, on a good day (excluding Massachusetts's Tourists and Moose) is about 1.4 million people. The crux of the population lives in or around four towns (or cities -- depending upon your perspective); Portland, Augusta, Lewiston and Auburn. In the southeasterly part of the state referred to as "Downeast."

I have no ax to grind about Maine, but I would prefer to live "away"....
far away .........
....preferably in a place where the "summah" lasts more than two weeks.
Downsouth, not Downeast.

The weather up in Maine is incredible, Maine's four seasons generally cycle in like this:

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST and WINTAH!

Fall, however short lived is extremely beautiful until the leaves fall and you have to rake them up.

looks like fall

~~ Moosehead Lake, October 1998 ~~
*photo from the "Real" Maine website.

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Mainerds, Mainiacs and From Away....

Upon moving to any town in Maine, the residents will immediately approach you to determine your ancestral heritage. This age old ritual is not so much to make YOU feel welcome, but to help the residents determine your classification. Thus, the indoctrination to Maine culture begins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In order to be a "Mainer" (pl. "Mainerds")-- or "Maniac" as I prefer to refer to the people from Maine -- you have to meet ONE and ONLY ONE qualification (no EXCEPTIONS) to claim the "prestigious" classification of being a Mainer.
**

YOU NEED TO BE BORN IN THE STATE OF MAINE !!!!

It does not matter how long you have lived in the state, how long your family has lived in the state, nor does it matter that your ancestors came over on the Mayflower in 1620 (that matters most in Massachusetts). The ability to drive in massive amounts of snow and ice proves nothing, except that you are not a threat to society and may own a 4-wheel drive.

If you were not born in the state, you will forever be referred to as a person "FROM AWAY."
~~A lady I know was accidentally born in New York while her parents were on vacation, she was brought to Maine when she was 2 days old and has lived here ever since. She is "From Away. ** Out of 5 generations, the only family member who is not considered a native Maniac.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Maine Speak

One thing that a person from "away" notices right away about Mainiacs, is that their speech is quite different from the speech in other parts of the country.

For instance, Maniac's, when speaking, rarely ever use the letter "R" unless the word starts with an "R" like in "Run" "Right, "Rahn" (oops RAIN), etc..
The "R" sound at the end of words sounds like "AH."
So,
Beer, becomes Beah
Lobster, becomes Lobstah
Later, becomes Latah
Summer, becomes Summah
etc.....
In addition to omitting the "R" sound, Mainiacs also tend to confuse the sounds of many of their vowels.
So the "O" sound is often changed to a "U" sound.
....Won't becomes Wun't.

Other words that sound odd to people from away are:
Corka = Beautiful
Bahmy = Cold

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and AYUH....wooo AYUH!!
AYUH, can mean anything from simple agreement to a disdainful rebuff.

Ayuh, depending on the tone of voice can mean:
You can count on me -- You're absolutely right -- I hadn't thought of that -- What do you mean, you're pregnant? - I'm really gonna miss that dog/cat/bird/mother-in-law.... -- who do you think you are kidding? --

And ayuh, ayuh, ayuh, ayuh, ayuh in a series..means
"...yeah yeah sure sure whatever, now get out of my face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Mainiac's Guide to Computer Lingo

Log On: Making the wood stove hotter
Log Off: Don't add wood
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove
Download: Getting the firewood off the pickup
Mega Hertz: When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
Floppy Disk: What you get from piling too much wood
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work
Hard Drive: Getting home in mud season
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below
Screen: What you need for black fly season
Byte: What black flies do
Chip: What to munch on
Macro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone
Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's around
Modem: What you did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys
Software: Plastic eating utensils
Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn
Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up
Port : Fancy wine
Enter: C'mon in!
Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle(dress) cost when
your wife (husband) asks.
**source unknown

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A Southerner Moves Up North

T
Dec. 8 - 5p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first on we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground, it was beautiful!!!!

Dec. 9 - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.

Dec. 10- It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterward, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Dec. 11- Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temp dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my a$$ in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken, more snow and ice exposed.

Dec. 12- Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the rear quarter panel. had another 8 inches of white crap last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goshdarned snow plow came by twice today.

Dec 13- 2 degrees outside. More f***ing snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Dec 14 - Goddarn mother-f***** white crap keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the f***ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b***h that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street at 100 mph and buries our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Dec 15 - 6 goddarn more f***ing inches of f***ing snow and f***ing sleet and f***ing ice and who knows what other kind of f***ing crap fell last night. I wounded the f***ing snowplow a$$hole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind Chill-22 f***ing degrees. I'm moving back to Florida. **source unknown

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TEN DOLLAHS

Otis Beckworth and his wife Martha were from Portland,
Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and
every year Otis said " Ya know Mahthah, I'd like ta get
a ride in that theah aihplane." Every year Martha
would say "I know Otis, but that aihplane ride costs ten
dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Otis says " By Gohlly Mahthah, I'm 71 yeahs old,
if I dun't go this time I may nevah go."

Marthah replies " Otis, that there aihplane ride is ten
dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make
you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word,
I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard,
he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.

He turns to Otis as they come to a stop and says
" By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Otis replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahthah fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
**originating source unknown

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Are You Really From Maine???


   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you can name all four seasons, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if they are Tourist, Foliage, Ski and Mud.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you own flannel shirts, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you wear one with a tie.
  
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you know the back roads, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you drive them to avoid the toll booth.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you own a pick-up truck, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if the truck is 4-wheel drive,
   has a gun rack, a plow on the front and a dog in the back.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you attend church suppers, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if that's considered a night out on the town.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you live in a white cape, but YOU'RE
   REALLY FROM MAINE if there is a picket fence
   around the house, a garden in the back, a woodpile somewhere, and
   some appliances on the front lawn.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you say "Ames-es", but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you do all your shopping there.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you read the Union Leader, but YOU'RE
   REALLY FROM MAINE if you believe it.
   
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you know everyone in town, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if they're all related to you.
  
   YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you go to the dump on saturday, but
   YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you leave with more than what
   you brought.

Related Maine Links and References for this Page...

State of Maine -If you want to see what Maine really isn't like, click here.

Ski Maine - Maine skiing websight...

Tim Sample -a really cool Maine Humorist - who used to be featured on CBS Sunday Morning, with Charles Kurolt.

A Steven King Website (an unofficial web site) -Guess what, he lives in Maine (I think his imagination stemmed from there not being much to do in Maine.)

Maine Lighthouse Guide -text mainly, not alot of graphix, but cool interactive map showing the locations of all the Lighthouses in Maine.

Portland Maine -LIVE (cough cough) Sky Cam...really cool though. Come see what a wee bit of Maine looks like

Tons Of Sky Cams -all over the U.S.

More state mottos ..and more state mottos .......

Map Of Maine

Maine Stats and F.A.Q.s

History of Maine

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TIDBITS

Did you know that:

Maine used to be a part of Massachusetts

The State Bird is the "Black Fly"

**just kidding, but they should be, the real state bird is really a bird ***

Why do people refer to Maine as being "DOWN EAST?"
It would seem that since Maine is north of most of the country, the term "DOWN EAST" would be a contradiction.
As it turns out, in early times, most travelers reached Maine via Boston by ship.
Since the winds are normally westerly, travelers sailed downwind to Maine, creating the the term "going down to Maine" or "Down East."

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** midi playing "Dixie."