BUSINESS JOKES

WORK SCHEDULE
WORK RULES
NETWORK/SOFTWARE TECH SUPPORT
SO, YOU WANT THE DAY OFF??
THE BOSS
HOW DOES THIS THING WORK?
WHY I AM SO TIRED
RESUME BLUNDERS
DOWNWARD COMMUNICATION
SITE INDEX"






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WORK SCHEDULE
    8:00a.m. - supposed to start work
    8:15 - Sneak in so boss doesn't catch us.
    8:20 - Catch up on the latest gossip about last night.
    8:30 - Boss shows up.
    8:50 - Coffee break - 30 min.
    9:20 - Start work.
    10:00 - Read favorite magazine in the restroom.
    10:30 - Slave labor for the boss.
    Noon - 90 minute lunch break.
    1:30p.m. - Rest up from lunch.
    2:30 - Coffee break
    3:00 - Talk to friends on the phone.
    3:30 - Clean up the messy desk.
    3:50 - Time to quit work and stand in line for the time clock.

    *source unknown


back to the top




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WORK RULES...


1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH: OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all of your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alpha- betical order, for instance, those surnames beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you are certainly performing at below your potential. Move it!

7. QUALITY OF WORK: Perfection, no less!

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse should happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.


*lifted from a posting from Professor in a HRM class at NHC, contributed by Bob Fouquette, originating source uknown


back to the top







Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below)

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:



  1. No Y2K problems
  2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
  3. No more wasted time reading and writing e mails


Frequently asked questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My screen seems to be frozen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

*submitted by Doc Williams, orginating source unknown


back to the top







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



....
out
(jpg image submitted by "Doc" Williams, originating source, unknown)
Downward Organizational Communication
(text excerpt from "Modern Management," Samuel C. Certo, Seventh Edition, Prentice Hall, New Jersey, 1997 :p.338)

"Downward organizational communication is communication that flows from any point on an organizational chart downward to another point on the organization chart. This type of formal organizational communication relates primarily to the direction and control of employees. Job-related information that focuses on what activities are required, when they should be performed, and how they should be coordinated with other activities within the organization must be transmitted to employees. This downward communication typically includes a statement of organizational philosophy, management system objectives, position descriptions, and other written information relating to the importance, rationale, and interrelationships of various departments."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A trickle down theory of communication.


back to the top




Proof that Americans Do Not Know Geography



The following are actual stories told by travel agents about their actual experiences (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography):

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me: "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: Click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana, which has the postal zip code LA. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.


back to the top



HOW DOES THIS WORK??

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"


back to the top







WHY I AM SO TIRED......


For the past several years, I've often wondered why I'm so tired all the time. I have blamed it on iron-low blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I've learned the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired,
and that leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million
employed by the federal government,
which leaves 19 million to do the work.

Of this total, there are four million in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14 million who are in hospitals
and rehabilitation and that leaves 1 million to do the work.

Now, there are 850,000 people who are in prison,
leaving 150,000 to do the work.

At any given time, there are 149,998 people out of the country.

That leaves just two people to do the work...you and me.

And you're just sitting there messing around on the internet and email !!!!!!!....



**originating source unknown


back to the top








RESUME BLUNDERS


MISCELLANEOUS STATEMENTS:
MISCELLANEOUS

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

REASON FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of the assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."


back to the top




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, You Want the Day Off???





Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for.
     There are 365 days available for work
    There are 52 Weeks per year

Of which you already have 2 days off each week-end
     Leaving 261 days left for work

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work
     That accounts for 170 days

There are 91 days left available for work

You spend 30 minutes each day on breaks
     That accounts for 23 days each year
     Leaving 68 days available for work

You spend 1 hour a day for lunch
     That accounts for another 46 days per year
     Leaving 22 days available for work

You spend 2 days per year for sick leave
     Leaving 20 days available for work

You take 9 holidays per year
     Leaving 11 days available for work

You take 10 days for vacation each year
     Leaving 1 day available for work and no way in Hell
     Are you going to take that day off!

*lifted from a posting from Professor in a HRM class at NHC, contributed by Bob Fouquette, originating source uknown




back to the top




THE BOSS........

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. I thought my Boss was a creep, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a creep, too ... but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.


back to the top




Site Index
|Sign Guest book| | Read Guest book|
|Joke Index| |Political Humor| |Maine Humor|
|Southern Humor| |Parenting Humor| |What Men Need to Know About Women| |Political Links| |Friends| |Personal/Family| |HTML/WEB help| |The Underworld| |FUN STUFF|
Home: http://www.oocities.org/sera_nade

Back to the Top


whisperzz.geo@oocities.com

Free Web Page Hosting by: Get Your Own Web Page!!!