Dec. 27, 2004/Mon:
Dec. 28, 2004/Tue:
Dec. 29, 2004/Wed:
Dec. 30, 2004/Thur:
Dec. 31, 2004/Fri:
January 1, 2005/Sat:
Decemeber 27, 2004/ Monday
Big
I have never been fat. Now is perhaps the
biggest I have been—look at my picture. All through out the twenty-five
years of my existence, I’ve been skinny—as in barbecue stick skinny.
It had been an issue. Both my grandmother and her sister, my grandaunt,
dreamt of this. When I was with them, they would prepare all my favorite
food to have me eat so much. Thinking, through it I would gain extra
kilos.
I
do eat a lot. It could really be embarrassing sometimes. I maybe picky in
food—like I’d rather die than to eat liver or anything that is innards—but
I eat quite a lot—like three cups of rice per meal. And that I do get,
at least, four meals a day, preferring rice over anything else. It’s
quite embarrassing specially in a restaurant. Me being skinny and asking
for a third helping of rice—come on! I actually couldn’t understand!
Okay,
I do know about metabolism. Perhaps, my body just burns twice the rate of
a regular individual. But, why?
Carlo described
himself as medium built in his first message to me before—back in
September. He isn’t… he may not be chubby, chubby… but bordering to
being chubby, with a generous helping of baby fat along his waist.
Disappointed? A little. But then he is one hell of a kisser and now we
shag in a regular basis… like when there is no one to shag with? Not
that I don’t enjoy shagging with him. I do. Well, he is one hell of a
kisser…
I did sleep with
someone skinner than me. It did go well. But the thing was that… okay,
here is my thing… after sex, I want my partner to lie a top me… I don’t
know why, but I like feeling their weight all over me. It’s not
hugging/embrace/cuddling thing, just that I like them a top me as I relax…
don’t analyze, just take it as a given.
With
skinny people, aside from that they weigh a lot less, they don’t feel
good. Well, it have something to do with body mass… I don’t know…
Last night, I
went to meet someone. I have seen his picture and he seemed okay. He was
cute in the picture actually and that his body was okay. Okay as in
normal. He did ask me if I have problem with chubby people. I lied and
said no… then asked why—did he gain weight? He said no. If he was as
in the picture, I’m fine… actually so fine.
We
decided on him coming to the Internet café I was in before heading to a
place we could do it in: a motel. He doesn’t have with him his cellphone.
I want to do a
story on motels… a review perhaps… or on which is tolerant with two
men checking in for a short time… rates? Hmmm… I’ll try to work on
this…
Anyway, this guy
didn’t have his cellphone with him. He said he leaves his cellphone home
whenever because he did have a bad experience before. I was to ask about
it when we are already together. So I told him the name of the café, it’s
location and at what station I was in—plus he was able to see me through
the webcam so he knew what I look like and what I was wearing.
So
then he came…
I’m
mean…
He
doesn’t resemble a bit with the picture he sent me…
I’m no GQ. I
know that. But this isn’t about looks. This is about fearing for my
life. Okay, strike two. Well, he was twice, even trice my body size—come
on!!! I said I’d do anyone who wants to do it with me. You could still
hold me to do that just provide the place and take a good long shower—or
a visit to the spa—and I’m so there. But not if you are that big…
please… I’m tiny!!! Have pity on me!!!
I don’t know
what to say. I don’t know how to say it… So I decided to let him
decide… If he says we go, check in a motel, and shag… I would. But I
won’t be the one who’d suggest it.
So
we were seated there. I was silent. Smiling… He was too silent…
He
asked me if I still wanted to go for it…
I
just smiled and asked him the same question.
After some more
of that… he said it’s getting late. Indeed, it was…
He said it’s
okay if I don’t want to…
Breaking hearts
is not my favorite activity.
They break my
heart; I don’t break their hearts.
We were silent.
He then said
goodbye.
Thank God.
January 2005