Dec. 27, 2004/Mon:
Dec. 28, 2004/Tue:
Dec. 29, 2004/Wed:
Dec. 30, 2004/Thur:
Dec. 31, 2004/Fri:
January 1, 2005/Sat:
Decemeber 31, 2004/Friday
Pololoko
If I remember it
right… you could find him at www.oocities.org/pololoko.
I’m not too sure though…
So, he called
last Christmas, gave me an idea… and I end up having Carlo come over to
shag, thus making Carlo the first guy I shag with in the house, in my
room, in my bed!!! It could have been him… if only he called back!
Since
then, he never returned any of my messages or miscalls. I don’t know
why… That was until the other day… I don’t know if he was trying to
call or that he just had my phone rang—I was asleep already.
Now,
I told you about me trying to get a date for the fireworks display at Sta.
Lucia. I did so by having a couple of numbers, including his, ring. No one
replied and I thought no one would still but then a messaged came in at
three in the morning. It was Pololoko asking why was I miss calling him
and that if I wanted us to meet.
I
told him I was trying to get his attention and asked when, “now?”
He
said later, at six. Six in the morning!!! I told him I would already be so
sleepy then and that if we could do it in the afternoon. But then, I
thought, if he is only available at that hour, I would call it on. He said
we could only try in the afternoon.
Try
wasn’t good enough for me. So I asked him if I could sleep over at his
place after, thinking I would then be so damn sleepy. He said I couldn’t
for his mom is home… he lives with his mom… so where does he plan on
taking me…? Huh?
“Are
you telling me that the 6 a.m. is just plain meeting? Sorry but there is
no other reason I would get out of the house that early other than sex.
We’ll do the meeting in the afternoon, three-four at Jollibee, Rosario?
Just text me if ever.” Then, I told him to read my webpage, particularly
“Christmas
Fuck” for he is there.
No
reply…
I
woke at noon, still nothing from him…
Two
in the afternoon, I messaged him to ask if we are to meet.
Have
his phone rang by 3:45… still, no reply.
It’s almost
five already… still no reply even after I messaged him again telling him
to text me back, “WHAT YOU HAVE NO LOAD? OR YOU’RE THAT FRUGAL? TOO
BUSY?”
I
don’t know but I was obsessing…
For
some reason, I can’t help but obsess about this and really get pissed
off! To think, I don’t even think, basing on the pictures of him over
the web that I’ve seen, he is not worth obsessing about… Okay, so
it’s normal to get pissed off… but the thing is as I am getting piss
off in every minute past, I look for reasons to why he is not replying,
ending up to blaming myself—there must have been something that I said
or done that he didn’t like…
I
end up blaming my picture at my webpage… thinking he have probably seen
it and thought I look shit… then I start to believe that I do look
shit… then… there goes my self esteem… it’s all me, making no room
to the idea that he might just be a jerk.
I need to do
something…
I do have a
wonderful personality… If you want someone to talk to, I’m your guy…
I’m funny… I’m smart… I could talk about any page of the
newspaper. You could learn a lot of thing from me… I could also shut up,
if you no longer want to talk... I am easy to talk to… and very
giving…
I’m
also low maintenance. I hate drama… I don’t go over dramatic even if
the situation call for it. You don’t need to look after me, I could take
care of myself most of the time. Or that if you hate it, I won’t check
on you each time. I am very independent and head strong so you could
expect that I wouldn’t be bothering you much and that you could hold on
to me… I could fight your battles.
I
may not be that expressive with my emotions but I could do that… I could
be sweet and caring… I could be sugar and spice and everything nice!!!
Of course, I would hate myself but if that is what you want…
I
maybe not somebody who you could parade around your friends or be proud
off to be with and hope people would assume you are shagging with, thus
envying you. But, I don’t mind being amongst the shadow… I keep a low
profile… and I won’t care if you deny me to your friends…
I
may look shit but I’m all that…
By Six p.m., a
message came in. It was Pololoko, finally. He was asking what’s my
problem and that my message is hurtful. He said he was asleep the whole
afternoon and that if I couldn’t understand him…
It’s my fault?
How the hell should I know he would still be asleep? I know he worked at
night but he gets home by six… Matt Ang, my friend, has the same
schedule. He goes home by six, get some sleep, and wakes up by three in
the afternoon!
But
then, I apologized to him…
No
reply.
I
pleaded…
Still,
there was no reply.
I
asked him what it is that he wants me to do so just he’d forgive me…
…
I
know… it’s pathetic.
I don’t know
why… specially that I know I am right. If he couldn’t make the
three-four p.m. plan, why didn’t he say so? And I said sorry… one
sorry is enough, it’s such a petty thing… what, he is that sensitive!?
Come on!!!
I have to do something to myself!!!
January 2005