Maude's Existential Kitchen

Well, it's been several months since I've been monthly. Been a lot o' changes here - just none o' them visible. But th' main change is that we dumped someone that was suckin' us dry o' ouah time an' creativity, so th' bottom line is, we got fingah time!

But thas' what this rant is about. Misuse an' ingratitude.

Evah notice how common `tis foah folks to beat a willin' horse? You do `em a favour, `cause you like `em. They do you a favor in return. An' this goes on foah a while - an' then you realise th' stupid sumbitch thinks you has a contract with them oah somethin' - an' this is `bout th' time the favors in return start to shrink whilst the demands get biggah.

We `greed that we - th' Vortex - would create a website foah someone who shall remain nameless an' url-less, `cause they don' deserve a single, solitary hit off'n us. An' they said, "we'll slip you a couple hundred a month, when th' money starts rollin' in."

We put in a solid month's work, fussin' ovah it; done oahselves proud. Set it up as an AVS site - `causeit's adult - an' lo, th' money started rollin' in. But then they says, "well, there's not `nuff to pay you an' pay foah all th' startup costs, so how would you like to have yoah `partment cleaned twice a month?"

Well, ifin' you knowed us, you would know that was a temptin' offah. An' seein' that th' money wasn't theah, quite yet, so we bestirred ouahselves gettin' the site noticed an' started puttin' a lot o' othah stuff on th' back burner.

But th' wench that was to do the cleanin' done a faceplant in a bag o' coke an' bunch o' othah things and th' house ain't been cleaned since Christmas. An' meanwhile, we is bein' called `pon to babysit foah this othah person three, four days a week. Now, we love th' kid, she's a joy an' a treasure, but it was edgin' up on twenny houahs a week! An' by this time, all the compensation we was gettin' foah all o' it was pizza an' beer.

In return foah a five grand website - not a damn page, moah laik twenny-five pages, with javascript an' thumbnails an' all.

An' then she tells us we gotta do yardwork. Y'see, we live in the same house. Now, we don' do yardwork, `cause we get flashbacks when we do it. An' if we do it, we bitch `bout it, `cause thas' how we keep the flashbacks from gettin' too bad. But Ah tell you true, ain't one of us that wouldn't rather go to the dentist than rake grass.

Anyway, the stupid ginch demanded that we do the yardwork and NOT BITCH `bout it, `cause th' guy she'd lassoed into moin' th' lawn might be bothahed by it.

Now, foah all of us, th' whole yahd could be a foot deep in Virgina Creepah an' we wouldn't give a Confederate Damn, noah pay a Yankee Dollah to have somethin' done `bout it. Ain't one o' ouah priorities. Thas' why we live in a basement with th' front doah in th' garage. Thas' a view we actually like, believe it oah don't.

Well, we'd reluctantly `greed to help with th' yardwork, `cause she was ouah friend an' all, but we was feelin' damn put upon - an then she demands we smile an' think o' England. Well, not to put too fine a point on it, we tol' her to ... well, what we tol' her cain't be said in polite company.

An' suddenly, we was stripped of ouah title as webMaster of that site! Goodness mercy me - they think they can find anothah suckah.

Laikly they can - they offah "services" ain't none of us was remotely interested in partakin' of, so, come to th' crunch, they didn't have much bargainin' room left. Not that it came up, cause the presumptious creatah figgahed that we was jus' anothah "john" an' didn't have a right to anythin' but gettin' screwed. Poorly an' metaphoricly - with no lube an' with a low grade o' produce.

Lesson heah.

Nevah do business with friends, an a handshake is worth the paper it's printed on.

Actually, this is more of a `splaination. Ah ain't been able to get to th' keyboahd foah some time `cause Ah been perishin' busy.

Well, th' body has been anyway. Ah spent a lot o' the time, aftah we worked out the hard stuff ah talk about in Mah Comeuppetance, chained decoritively to a big leathah couch in' The Dark Castle. We even drew a picture of it. (You wanna find it, you go to Alta Vista, ok?)

Now, th' reason ah was still theah was `cause Ah was waitin' on havin' a place to put th' story behind why Ah was theah in th' firs' place - it's a bit too raw foah Geocities.

But th' res' of us got busy doin' pictures - an' pretty soon, we realized that the pictures told th' story, so Betty-Pauline said she was done with me an Ah was free to go. Then SHE goes in foah some o' what she'd just done me - had her own issues, that girl - an' Ah was stuck bein' Miss Chatelaine o' th' Dark Castle.

Now, believe it oah don't, it's a real place, in oah shamanic world an' it don' run itself. Somebody has to organize ever'thin', they's a million things gotta be taken care of, an' since BP was out of the loop foah a while - Ah got th' nod.

If'n you want to jus' think we have a ver' colourful fantasy life - well, hell, tha's true too. Thas' all a shamanic reality is, really. It's jus' that fantasy is a mite moah pow'rful an' significant than mos' people think.

Been an interestin' time. Most o' which Ah cain't talk `bout, it bein' a place wheah discretion is th' watchword an' ifn' you wasn't theah, you don' need to know `bout it. But damn, Ah met some interestin' people!

Anyhow, the point to all of this is that Ah have gained a new respect foah pain. An' pleasure. An' all those othah pressures that can bend a mind laik silly putty. Those o' us that has been `bused that way, we tend to be `lergic to the ver' idea, but the fact is, it ain't the tools, it's who's usin' them and what they are tryin' to achieve that's the issue.

Pain hurts. But it can heal, too. Thas' what we learned.

An' that you can use the vilest-soundin' mind-control an' brainwashin' techniques on someone to do evil - oah you can use `em to help `em achieve a state they dearly want but cain't quite reach by themselves.

It's all a question o' intent an' consent. Because, eithah way, good oah bad, these techniques work damn well. Be a shame to let only the bad guys have `em.