Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
The "Official Church Leaders" Page
Recent research has confirmed that there is a "God Part" of the brain. It causes certain feelings when contemplating God and other such nonsense.
As the human animal evolved and grew more intelligent, he came to the realization of his own mortality. This epiphany caused emotional stress that the lower animals don't have because they don't know that they will eventually buy the farm.
That's when nature took over to help the human animal, which was very nice.
It evolved a certain spot of the brain to falsely create ideas of an after-life, a loving God that will take care of them, etc. And transversely, this is why animals don't practice religion.
However, nature miscalculated a certain side-effect . It's that people falsely believe that they fall under a "moral law" created by said cerebral fictionalized God and have to behave a certain way.
And when they don't follow these rules while fretting over facing the music one day, this causes even more stress than realizing that you will one day lose consciousness for eternity. This stress shortens your life expectancy.
But you don't have to live under such stress while existing in your short stint here on this planet! We are here as nature's next step in the evolutionary process.
You don't need the "God part" of the brain anymore. It is now, in effect, vestigial.
We can help you exist to the fullest without any guilt what-so-ever. And this is important since our time is fleeting like sands through the hour glass.
The new God-Part wing addition to the hospital is devoted fully to the removal of this part of the brain.
This procedure is called a Godbotomy. (Notice how this term closely resembles "Godbot" - this is no coincidence)
Here are some of the features and services you will receive when you decide to have this . . . procedure:
Transportation:
We
pick up and deliver! You will ride in luxurious comfort in our
state-of-the-art limousine/ambulance.
You can even play with some of the equipment to pass the time on the way to the Darwinus St. Bogus Hospital complex located at 1984 Orwell Blvd. in the prestigious multi-billion dollar downtown medical center near the new sports stadium.
Arrival:
You
will be greeted by one our lovely nurse hostesses (or host depending
on which gender you choose with our "Comfort Counselor®"
during the pre-arrival consultation via phone conference).
We have the most beautiful nurses in the Medi-Plex. The fundy staffs can't hold a candle to our ladies (and men).
If you're married/taken and this causes you any discomfort, remember - it's just a small portion your brain doing this to you and that will soon be remedied.
Pre-Op:
Exam
#1 - You will first be given an exam from the neck up. At
this point we listen for brain wave murmurs and God-part impulses
for evaluation.
We also squeeze around your skull to find the weakest part in which to drill into.
Exam
#2 - This will be a full
body exam. It's the only time that the staff gets to choose the
patient instead of vice-versa.
And if it doesn't make sense why we do a full body exam instead of just a cranial look-over prior to brain surgery - don't worry about it. It's very technical - trust us.
Stress
Test: - A very important
part of the process. It's vital that we determine if you are
fit for brain surgery or not.
Also, this helps loosen the God-part of the brain which makes our surgeon's task just that much easier.
Any enjoyment that you seem to think that we are experiencing during this procedure is yet another case of the God-part telling you that this may not jive with some sort of "rule of human nature".
And again, this will soon be remedied.
Review
- This is the last stage of the pre-op process. We review all
the data carefully to see if you qualify for our highly sought-after
medical service.
But more than likely, if you insurance clears, you're in.
Notice: we don't accept Blue Cross because they refuse to take that religious symbol out of their name and logo.
Op:
There's not much we can say here. Not only is this a very technical process, but it's also classified information. Besides, with your brain infected with the God-part, any attempt by you to understand would be futile.
But we can assure you that afterwards your brain will be in tip top shape.
Before |
After |
The hole seen on the right is where the God-part was removed.
Post Op:
Examination: Immediately after surgery you are rolled
into the examining room. Here highly specialized technicians
cover every square inch of your body to look for any irregularities.
We have also been known to lose an instrument or two if you know what we mean. But it's also the same as getting a full body massage which aids in your body's natural recovery process (how'd you like that spin?!).
Recovery:
You may feel a bit of a headache at this point but you won't
really care. And any reservations you had prior to the procedure
will also have dissipated.
Dizziness is not at all uncommon during this time either. It's nature's way of telling you that you have just been through something traumatic. But don't worry, you won't feel anxiety about this kind of stuff any more.
Consultation: You're still going to be drugged a little
at this point, but it's imperative that we communicate with you
as soon as possible. We need to determine how successful the
surgery was.
We'll ask a variety of questions that would normally have caused an anxious response prior to the operation, but shouldn't happen now since that God-part has been removed. We monitor your responses and document them.
This is the time that we also discuss your payment options.
Comfort:
We spare no expense at providing you with the most pleasant recovery
possible. Everything will be at your fingertips.
Also, the nurse hostess (or host) that you previously chose will be on call 24/7 just for you. We want your stay to be equivalent to a five star luxury hotel so that you will go home and encourage your family and friends to also get a Godbotomy.
We think that everyone should have one, and until the government steps in and mandates it, this is our only option. It's really for the best.
Education:
As you get to feeling better and a bit more coherent, we provide
at no extra charge materials and a counselor to teach you how
to care for your new Godless brain.
You'll also learn about the truth of evolution as well as the fallacy of all religions.
For you it will be a brave new world from here on out. You'll be a totally accepting and tolerant member of society.
At Home
Medication:
After leaving the Darwinus St. Bogus Medical Complex it will
be important to take pills to offset some side-effects.
Most common will be reoccurring, although very small, lapses in anxiety about certain decisions. This is because there may be some God remnants left and these pills will kill them off over time.
Lovely
Parting Gift: Just for you, we put your God-part in a designer
bottle to take home.
Make's a great conversation piece and decorative item for your den or office.
Now you can show everyone just where you put God - on the shelf and out of the way.
and be the first on your block get a Godbotomy.