Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
Alternate Resurrection Theory
of the Month
Theory #123
The Secret Cliche Code Theory
The Secret Cliche Code Theory
A cliche is a metaphor characterized by its overuse which indicates that it has been around forever.
Therefore we conclude that a "cliche" rather than a "literal" interpretation of a phrase should be the default conclusion to the actual meaning of said phrase.
With that being said, let's look at the biblical data...
This first one everybody knows of and needs little defending. It's that when people referred to Jesus as Lord, they really meant that he was just their king. More on this later.
Next, saying that Jesus was dead as in "not living" is a bit too literalistic too. When we say that we are dead, we don't mean that we have ceased to survive. We just mean that we are really really tired.
And this is the way it was for Jesus too. After being beaten, scourged, made to carry his own cross, nailed to said cross, etc., you'd be dead (tired) too. When the bible says it grew dark, it really means that Jesus closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Jesus was just taking a nap when they took him down from the cross.
Yes, they did supposedly poke his heart with a spear and subsequently blood and water flowed from it. But everyone knows that the way to a man's heart is THROUGH HIS STOMACH!
So when the soldier stabbed him (starting at the stomach) he didn't penetrate all the way to the heart. He just punctured his stomach lining which released some food contents.
Back then two of the main sources of drink were wine (red wine being the color of blood) and water. It is so very obvious that this is what really happened.
Tombs back then were made out of caves in rock. And as such, it would have been a quiet cool place to rest in the middle of a hot desert. This is why they put him in a tomb, not because he was dead.
After Jesus had enough rest and his body healed itself he arose. It has long been thought that he arose from the dead. However, when you rise in the morning, you are waking up, not rising from the dead. Jesus merely woke up.
What about Jesus' new body you ask? Again, the verses are taken hyper-literally. After a good night's sleep following a hard day's work, don't you feel like a new man too?
Jesus just meant that he was refreshed and invigorated.
In fact, this is where we get "R.I.P." (Rest In Peace) from for our headstones.
Now about this business of Jesus being God, nothing could be further from the truth. The first few verses of the book of John are used to point to Jesus being the Word and the Word being God - therefore Jesus being God.
But, we know that actions speak louder than words. And if there is something louder than an infinite Word (God) then the Word is not infinite. Therefore the Word is not really God and Jesus is not really God either.
So Jesus must have been one in "action" therefore very "loud" too. This seems to point to him being a mighty military leader. He must have been mounting successful campaigns against the Romans with the common people behind him 100 percent.
Obviously they made him king after some successful battles. But the Roman military machine was too much in the end. And not to let their defeats at the hand of Jesus be passed on throughout history, they revised history and tried to completely wiped out any mention of him.
Apparently for the Romans, no news was gospel.
But Jesus' followers did keep his memory alive in the bible - they just embellished a bit. Also, we have just been interpreting it wrong for some two thousand years.
And that's what really happened - honest!
Alternate Ressurection Theory of the Month is a tribute to all of the wacky theories that surface from time to time in order to explain away what really happened to Jesus in which all of the evidence points to.
My two personal favorites that anyone tries to pass off with any credibilty are the "swoon" theory - claiming that Jesus never really died; and the "twin brother lost at birth" theory - in which the twin shows up after Jesus was crucified and everyone mistook him as the risen messiah :-P