Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
My name is pronounced "meekowe"
And don't you forget it!
I have lived several years (because I am fit) and learned a thing or two about life (surviving it). So this makes me very qualified at helping others with their daily survival.
Ergo, that is why I am the "help" writer for this publication.
It takes many random typings to create something coherent, but there's always one that seems to make enough sense to publish.
Again, there is no "this month's letter." Miko and Swami Aintchomommy were scheduled to be back from Miko's family reunion vacation by now, but something came up at the last minute.
Swami got lost.
So Miko and his family have been looking for him the past week. Miko said that he TOLD Swami to stay close because it's a big jungle out there. Apparently Swami didn't hear him or read his thoughts.
I, the Editor in Chief, raised the concern that he might have actually been eaten. Miko just said, "Stuff happens - it's a circle of life kind of thing."
Then Miko said, "If he hasn't been eaten, I'm going to kill him!"
Whew - would not want to be in Swami's slippers when that happens.
So obviously I had to come up with something again to fill Miko's space. Those of you looking for your evological horrorscope are just going to have to find another way to chart your course for the next few weeks.
May I suggest reading the Bible.
Anyway, our local police department had a pilot program that was first in the nation. It's not uncommon for civilians to "ride along" on patrol with officers to get a feel of what it's like doing so.
Our local law enforcement officials started "call along". This enabled civilians to sit with 911 operators and listen in on calls and ask the operator procedural questions.
And our very own Miko participated one evening. It caused quite a media stir around these parts. Miko communicated to the operator via his portable communication device which consists of iconic buttons, a computer chip and a speaker.
All was going quite well until the 911 operator suddenly became very ill in between calls. Apparently she had eaten some bad oysters for lunch and had to get to the ladies room for obvious reasons.
Miko really got a kick out of this and called it the, "Last great act of defiance by a lower link in the food chain."
But while the operator was still indisposed, the phone rang and the light lit up. Miko looked around but there was no one to answer it.
So Miko picked up and this is the transcript of the call:
Miko: Hello?
Caller: Yes, hello?
Miko: Yes?
Caller: Is this 911?
Miko: Did you dial 911?
Caller: Yes.
Miko: Okay then, you must have 911.
Caller: I need help.
Miko: Most people who call 911 do.
Caller: Actually it's my boyfriend, he's in trouble.
Miko: Oh yes, I'm supposed to ask this - what is your location?
Caller: We're outside the Galapagos Bar & Grill.
Miko: Where's that?
Caller: It's on Evolution Avenue.
Miko: Isn't that a dead end street?
Caller: I believe so, why?
Miko: Don't go down there, it's dark and dangerous. Stay close to the light.
Caller: Are you going to send help?!
Miko: What exactly is the problem again?
Caller: My boyfriend's in a fight with two other guys.
Miko: Wow - how'd that happen?
Caller: Well, we met here after work for drinks and dinner.
Miko: Is the food good?
Caller: I . . . guess . . .
Miko: So how'd the fight start?
Caller: My boyfriend tends to get jealous and he saw these guys looking in our direction.
Miko: Were you sending signals?
Caller: What do you mean - "signals"?
Miko: You know, flirting with those other guys.
Caller: Of coarse not!
Miko: Okay, so your boyfriend sees them and then what?
Caller: He got up and went over to talk with them.
Miko: Hee hee, talk, yeah right.
Caller: I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen.
Miko: You can't stop nature in motion. His primordial urges of defending the right to his mate designed by nature forced him over there to . . . "talk" with these guys.
Caller: He's getting beat up pretty bad - are you going to send someone out here?!
Miko: I'm afraid I'm going to need more information.
Caller: <sigh>
Miko: I have to determine if it's necessary to spend valuable tax dollars to send someone out to help him.
Caller: Okay - please hurry.
Miko: Alright, is your boyfriend good at self-defense?
Caller: Apparently not at the moment.
Miko: That's quite obvious. But did he ever take the time to actually learn self-defense?
Caller: Not really, however he does watch kung-fu movies and then practices what he sees with his friends.
Miko: That IS the way it's done in nature usually (watching those bigger and stronger) but that won't do in your human society.
Caller: How so?
Miko: He should have taken kung-fu classes. If he done that, we wouldn't have to send someone out to help - now would we? He should have spent more hours practicing, lifting weight, buying weapons, etc.
Caller: So you're sending someone out now?
Miko: You must be cute to have three guys fighting over you - if they all end up in the hospital, would you like to go out with me?
Caller: Is this really 911?
Miko: Did you really dial 911?
Caller: I guess I'm going to have to help him myself.
Miko: Oh I wouldn't try that.
Caller: Why not?
Miko: Because if you get scruffed up, your boyfriend may not find you attractive anymore. And that goes for the other two guys as well as me.
Caller: You are an animal!
Miko: So so true. But then again, aren't we all?!
Caller: Where's your supervisor?
Miko: She took a sucker punch from an oyster and can't come to the phone right now.
Caller: I'm going to report you. Your attitude is horrible!
Miko: Based on what?
Caller: Ugh!
Miko: That was a primordial urge too, by the way.
Caller: <no response>
Miko: I'm going to hang up now because someone else might be trying to get through. But call us back because I've got an office pool started and we need to know who wins the fight - okay?
Caller: <no response>
Miko: <Miko shrugs shoulders and hangs up>
The "Call Along" pilot program has since been discontinued.
