Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
Alternate Resurrection Theory of the Month
The "Official Church Leaders" Page
Welcome Brethren of Church Leaders
Hail to our founder!
Hail Constantine!
Greetings fellow church leaders.
First I need to inform you that the rumors going around that this site has been hacked by non-believers is totally false. I personally wrote the encryption software to insure privacy and I can assure you that our fire-wall has never been breached. Trust me.
Now the good news (or gospel? - lol), up to date we have successfully destroyed every transitional fossil that has ever been discovered. Millions of them have been crushed into fine powder and sold as make-up through cosmetic counters in every mall across the globe.
And we made a nice profit on this I might add.
Also, all persons who have ever witnessed a transitional fossil have been done away with and our "replicas" of these people have been substituted thanks to our ground-breaking cloning technology.
Speaking of technology, all of our satellites, which are under the guise of Christian television broadcasting, are monitoring every archeological dig. When a transitional fossil is detected to have been discovered, we send in a fleet of black helicopters to "baptize" the situation if you know what I mean ;-)
I'm sure I don't have to remind you that if the truth of evolution ever got out it would be a crushing blow to our cause. But thanks to the efforts of our "Transitional Crusade Initiative" we have kept this knowledge in check thus far.
More good news is that enrollment is up for new church leader recruits. We believe that the TCI (listed above) and our phony Creation Science propaganda is mostly the reason for this. Keep up the good work everyone!
Now, as a service for the new recruits I am going to list the actual history of the church. There is a handful of atheists who generally know this truth without the details, but thanks to our monopoly on the media we can keep these people under wraps and discredit them.
So here is the timeline of the actual church history. You will also be receiving in the mail a cyanide pill in the shape of a tooth. You are to yank out an existing tooth and replace it with this pill.
If you are ever under torture to reveal this information, you are to bite down on it and swallow. Don't worry, dying is merely losing consciousness. So don't be afraid to take one for the team.
Actual Historical Timeline of the Church
A.D. 275 - Constantine Born (this is actually what Christmas celebrates).
A.D. 277 - Constantine realizes that he's an evil genius.
A.D. 280 - Young Constantine becomes really really bored. He sets his sights on world domination just to see if he can do it.
A.D. 285 - Roman empire partitioned into Western and Eastern empires. Constantine completes his plan for world conquest and secretly puts it into action. He invents religion to control people and orders his faithful secret militia to start spreading it out (via hypnosis) into the land behind his father's back.
A.D. 287 - Constantine dreams up the fanciful tale of Jesus and invents Christianity.
A.D. 289 - Constantine plants fake stone coffins with inscriptions to Jesus as some sort of Lord/God to be discovered some 2,000 years later. Incredibly they were made to be pre-dated by some 2,000 years!
A.D. 300 - Bohairic Coptic Bible translations written in Alexandria upon the orders of Constantine. He also orders the translation of the fake Hebrew OT into Greek.
A.D. 301 - Constantine orders his concubines to write out over 5,000 Greek manuscripts of his made-up New testament. He shows them how to do it so that they will be pre-dated by about 300 years or so.
A.D. 301 - Constantine orders this same harem to do more than 10,000 additional copies in other various languages. Even the eunuchs had to help out with this monumental task.
A.D. 306 - Constantine's father, Emperor of the Western province, dies (at the hands of Constantine). Constantine pressures the army to proclaim himself as successor. They do reluctantly.
A.D. 307 - Constantine pretends to convert to Christianity which he merely made up.
A.D. 312 - Constantine attacks and defeats Maxentius, his major rival in the west, because he planned on uncovering Constantine's diabolical scheme. Also, Lucian, founded Exegetical School of Antioch (at the secret request of Constantine), then he was martyred (at the secret request of Constantine).
A.D. 313 - Constantine arranged a partnership with Emperor Licinius, ruler of the eastern provinces, under false pretenses. Edict of Milan, Constantine establishes toleration of his beloved brain-child Frankensteinish monster - Christianity.
A.D. 314 - Donatus discovers the truth and starts revealing it publicly. Council of Arles, called by Constantine against Donatist (Donatus) schism.
A.D. 315 - Constantine has a monument erected supposedly of his victory, but was really just pro-religion propaganda.
A.D. 321 - Constantine decrees Sunday as official Roman-Christian day of rest. He uses this day to plan even more diabolical schemes while others are forced to do absolutely nothing. This gives him the edge that he needed all along.
A.D. 324 - Constantine attacks and defeats Licinius because he planned on uncovering Constantine's diabolical plot. Constantine becomes sole ruler. He then makes Constantinople his capital and national religious propaganda headquarters.
A.D. 325 - Constantine presided over the first great ecumenical council of the Christian church. More than 300 bishops (partners in crime) from all parts of the empire attended. They rounded up all the truthful accounts of Jesus (who never really existed) and burned them. When they found out how much fun this was, they went and burned down some libraries as well.
The council condemned Arianism (a religion thought up by someone else) and drew up a statement of essential lies, called the Nicene Creed. Constantine outlines his long-term plan and gives orders on what exactly they should upon his death (or report thereof).
A.D. 330 - Old Saint Peter's Basilica dedicated
by Constantine, located over the
traditional burial site (wink, wink) of Saint Peter the Apostle
in Rome on Vatican Hill.
A.D. 337 - Constantine designs the perfect Roman uniform, but then fakes his own death and was supposedly baptized as a Christian on his deathbed. The uniform sketches were lost due to an unfortunate accidental over-sprinkling of water which made all the colors run into a big gray muddy mess, and he didn't have time to sketch any more out.
Easter actually celebrates Constantine's fake death and that everyone actually bought it.
The empire was passed to his sons, Constantius, Constans, and Constantine II who were really puppet rulers to their incognito father.
is divulged strictly on a need-to-know basis!
Hail Constantine!
The "Official Church Leaders" page is a tribute to those who say that all religion is just for power, and that somehow the "church" (which would include the catholic, protestant and whatever others that exist) somehow suppresses the real truth of what actually happened with Jesus.