Table of Contents
Frank B. Finite (a "true" atheist)
The Blind Fools Guest Entry Log
Watch contestants
match wits in a contest to see who is
the most mentally fit and highest evolved primate.
the most mentally fit and highest evolved primate.
Trebek: Welcome to today's special edition of Jeopardy - 'Evolution Jeopardy'. The categories will all be in the realm of evolution and/or creation science. We'll start out by letting our contestants tell us who they are and tell us a little about themselves.
Darwin: I'm Charles Darwin and I invented the idea of evolution.
Sagan: No you didn't. The idea of evolution had been around for a while before you ever came along. Liar, liar pants on fire!
Trebek: There's no need to belittle your opponent Mr. Sagan.
Darwin: No, no. That's okay. I can handle myself Alex. I'm sorry if you misinterpreted what I said Sagan. I meant that I invented a scientific justification for evolution - that I made evolution believable.
Sagan: I heard you Darwin. I have a brain the equivalent of a highly evolved extra-terrestrial. I'm no dope you know!
Trebek: Okay Mr. Sagan, tell us a little about yourself.
Sagan: Hello, I'm Carl Sagan. I write books and do TV shows about the Cosmos, and I also have a nasal condition. Can I say hi to my billions and billions and billions of fans out there?
Trebek: Sure, just make it snappy.
Sagan: Um, is there anybody in the audience?
Trebek: Of coarse, why do you ask?
Sagan: It's just that the lights are glaring in my eyes and I can't see out there. But I just knew there were people out there - I just knew it!
Trebek: Alrighty, let's move on shall we. Please tell us who you are, contestant number three, and tell us a little about yourself.
Nietzsche: I'm Friedrich Nietzsche and I claim that God is dead.
Trebek: That's lovely. With that being said, let's take a look at the board. We have:
| Potent Potables | Transitional Fossils |
The Shape of The Earth | Ape-Man Blunders | Famous Monkeys |
| $200 | $200 | $200 | $200 | $200 |
| $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 |
| $600 | $600 | $600 | $600 | $600 |
| $800 | $800 | $800 | $800 | $800 |
Trebek: Mr Darwin, you won the arm wrestling contest so you get to pick first.
Darwin: Uh, - "Famous Monk Eyes" for 600.
Trebek: That's "Famous Monkeys" not "Famous Monk Eyes" Mr. Darwin.
Darwin: Okay, whatever. Give me that.
Trebek: And the answer is - This monkey was Tarzan's pet and close companion.
Darwin: (Buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Darwin.
Darwin: The Dalai Lama
Trebek: What?
Darwin: He's a famous monk and he has eyes too.
Trebek: Again, it's not "Famous Monk Eyes". And please remember to put your answer in the form of a question.
Sagan: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Sagan.
Sagan: As I ponder the vastness of thought and search among the billions and billions and billions of possibilities I can't help but think that . . .
(beep beep beep)
Trebek: Times' up Mr. Sagan.
Nietzsche: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Nietzsche.
Nietzsche: What is a dead monkey?
Trebek: Sorry, wrong answer. The correct response was, "What is NO monkey." You see, Tarzan's companion, before Jane, was Cheetah who was a chimpanzee. It was a trick question - ha ha, get it?!
Darwin: So Tarzan's companion was a cheetah/chimpanzee hybrid? A transitional animal? I just knew there would be some!
Trebek: No, it was merely a chimpanzee and "Cheetah" was his name.
Darwin: That's a stupid name.
Sagan: And you're stupid for thinking that it was a religious figure - Darwin!
Darwin: Don't push me - space boy!
Trebek: Mr. Sagan, you get the next pick.
Sagan: I'll take "Transitional Fossils" for eight billion.
Trebek: The board only goes to 800, Mr. Sagan, unless you hit the daily-double.
Sagan: Well your little "board" doesn't hold a candle to the Cosmos, now does it?!
Trebek: I suppose you're right about that. We'll give you "Transitional Fossils" for 800.
Sagan: If you must.
Trebek: And the answer is - Science has discovered this many transitional fossils.
Darwin: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Darwin.
Darwin: Millions.
Trebek: Nope.
Sagan: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Carl.
Sagan: Billions.
Trebek: Sorry, wrong again.
Sagan: Trillions.
Trebek: You can answer only once, but that was wrong too.
Nietzsche: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Mr. Nietzsche.
Nietzsche: What are dead transitional fossils.
Trebek: Sorry, but "dead" is not a number. The correct answer would have been zero. There have been zero transitional fossils found.
Darwin: Rats!
Sagan: You're a rat - Darwin.
Darwin: Actually I'm an ape. We're ALL just talking apes. By the way, has anyone seen the remake movie of "Planet of the Apes"?
Sagan: No, but if I close my eyes I can see a bunch of pale blue dots.
Trebek: Excuse me, but we have a game going on here.
Sagan: Lighten up Trebek, you only live once. You gotta enjoy it while you can.
Trebek: I will enjoy it when you buffoons leave the studio. But until then, I am stuck with you. Mr Nietzsche, you have been somewhat pleasant so far, though a bit goth. I'm going to let you go next.
Nietzsche: I'll take "Ape-Man Blunders" for 200 Alex.
Trebek: The tooth of this ape-man was actually discovered to be the tooth of a pig.
Darwin: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes, Darwin.
Darwin: Carl Sagan.
Sagan: Hey!
Trebek: You need to put your answers in the form of a question.
Darwin: Is Carl Sagan a Neanderthal?
Sagan: Hey!
Trebek: I'm sorry, but that's an incorrect and rude response.
Darwin: Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!
Sagan: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes space boy . . . I mean . . . Sagan.
Sagan: Is it Charles Darwin? Ha! How do you like, you . . . Darwin . . . monkey brain?!
Nietzsche: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes Nietzsche?
Nietzsche: I see dead people.
Darwin: Yeah, and his name is Carl Sagan. Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!
Trebek: Okay, this is getting way out of control.
Darwin: Speaking of out of control, why are the answers questions? What kind of game are playing with us Trebek?!
Trebek: Actually YOU are playing the game. I am just the host.
Darwin: Then where are the refreshments, Mr. Martha Stewart host man?
Sagan: (buzz)
Trebek: Yes Carl?
Sagan: I think that Darwin's primal urges, which have been genetically programmed over millions and millions of years, have taken over. I think that we should rap this up before it gets any worse.
Trebek: Good idea, let's move on to Final Jeopardy. Now I'm going to make this an easy one. Try, please try to stay focused this time.
Sagan: Okay.
Darwin: Sure.
Nietzsche: (no answer)
Sagan: And the answer is, "This theory claims that over millions of years life arose by chance as certain chemicals came together under certain conditions. Then life progressed and grew more complex as these living things slaughtered each other, via natural selection, over another million years or so."
(Note: now hum the Jeopardy theme song to yourself as our contestants write down their answers. If you have trouble remembering what it sounds like, click here to load a midi file.)
(Theme song stops.)
Trebek: Okay players, time to put you pens down.
(Alex walks over to Darwin's podium)
Trebek: Okay Mr. Darwin, what was your response?
Trebek: You wrote, "Get your hands off me you darned dirty Carl Sagan."
Darwin: Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!
Trebek: That's quite obviously just a loaded statement directed toward Mr. Sagan, and it's also the wrong answer. Let's see what you wagered:
Trebek: You wagered "The Cosmos". I don't think that's yours to wager.
Sagan: You're beginning to push my buttons . . . you . . . DarLoser!
Darwin: Eat my space dust you cosmo creep!
Trebek: Okay, let's move on to Carl Sagan and see how well he did. You wrote:
Trebek: You wrote, "E=MCx2". At least it's a well known theory, but even that's not written exactly right. And it's the wrong answer anyway. Let's see what you wagered:
Trebek: Billions of what Carl?
Sagan: I just like saying billions.
Trebek: Good for you.
Sagan: Billions.
Trebek: Yes, I heard.
Sagan: Billions, billions, billions.
Trebek: You can stop saying billions now.
Sagan: Say it with me Alex - billions.
Trebek: I'm now going to rip off your ear lobes and stuff them into my ear holes.
Sagan: (no response - backs up just in case)
Trebek: Finally, let's see what our last contestant, Mr. Nietzsche, wrote:
Trebek: You played yourself in a game of hang man. And you lost. You also lost Final Jeopardy because that's the wrong answer. Let's see what you wagered:
Trebek: You wagered a skull and crossbones with the word "God" inscribed underneath it. That's worth absolutely nothing.
Nietzsche: God is dead.
Trebek: And I wish I were too. That's it, I'm outta here. You losers can fight amongst yourselves to determine who the winner was. (Alex leaves in a huff. Lights dim. All mayhem breaks loose. Quick, go to commercial!)