Dear GG,There's a lot more behind this story, but I'll cut right to the point. God has lead me to a girl that I find very attractive. She's my age, she shares my beliefs, and so on. We talk on the phone and e-mail. We're good friends, and that's ok. I like being friends with her, but my human nature wants to get closer with her. As far as I can tell, she's not interested in me. Then again, she's kind of shy when it comes to people she likes. Here's the problem: My human nature keeps nagging me to go on, but my spirit tells me to wait. I want to be patient and trust in God's timing, but this task grows harder every day. What do I do? I believe God wants the best for me and is working to make my life better. But this struggle of flesh verses soul is getting tiresome. How does my mind override my emotions? I think you get the picture.

You do have a problem, don't you?! Well, your reaction to this situation depends on exactly what it is that is holding you back from a romantic relationship with this girl. When you say "my spirit", do you mean that you feel the Holy Spirit's leading to stay "just friends"? In this case, you should let her know how you feel immediately, and let her know how the spirit is convicting you. But if it is more a fear of rejection, scaring her, ruining a good friendship, or anything else, you shouldn't worry about it. You say you are good friends, and nothing should ruin that if true philos (brother/close friend love) is there.

Don't run from eros (the type of love that *should* lead to marriage eventually). God created it, just like he created sex, and all other pleasure. It is not always "human nature" that leads us to romantic relationships with the opposite sex, but more often, simply a desire to take what God has made for us. (Especially if your romantic interest is also Christian!) So enjoy! But I BEG you: if you do enter a romantic relationship with this woman, please, please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE set *boundaries* before anything! before even your first kiss! as soon as the first romantic proposition is accepted! (abstinence makes the heart grow fonder! *g*)

#12

Dear Miss Goody Goody, I just started college, and am having trouble making friends, especially Christian friends. I don't know many people, and don't want to go to many social events, because most of the ones in this area conflict with my beliefs. What can I do?

Cliché as it may sound, just be yourself. I'm sure you've met some people in your classes, or in other student functions, people who you'd like to get to know better. Study with other students, talk in class, and most of all, be friendly and open. People won't want to be your friend when you aren't willing to open up and be their friend also.

#13:

I have a question. I started seeing someone about 6 months ago. He is a Christian but he hasn't given his life to Christ yet. I am working on it. I know that the Bible says do not be yoked with unbelievers but at the same time it says that if a saved woman is married to an unsaved man then he will be saved through her. Does this only apply to marriage?

My first question is this: How can someone be a Christian, but not have given his life to Christ? I thought that the two were synonomous. One is a Christian when one decides to be Christ-like (what the word Christian means).

When we date, it is to one end: marriage. If not actively seeking a mate, we are determining our likes, dislikes, compatabilities, etc. in order to better do so. Like you yourself said, we ought not be "unequally yoked" with non-believers. If this man has a genuine intrest in God, and is on the path to salvation, then stay connected, as a *friend*. Date as friends, talk as friends, but do not enter a romantic relationship with this man until he has given the entirety of his being to Jesus, the anointed Messiah.

And look out, my girl, for a "false conversion", or a conversion of the outward appearance. Many people will do anything to impress others, including profess Christianity. Keep Christ at the center of your relationship *always*, and this will usually ward off those who are more interested in you than in God. (Always be prepared to take second place in Christian relationships.)

Per married redemption of non-christians, your reference refers to II Corinthians 7:14, where Paul is speaking to those already married to unbelievers at the time of their conversion. He is speaking of the love of God and neighbor (agape, for you greekazoids) that we as Christians ought to have in our lives that shines through our relationships. Paul knew, as we do today, that this quality, when endured day after day by an unsaved spouse, will either drive them away from you or draw them to God, and both situations are spoken to in that chapter.

#14

Dear Goody-Goody, I'm having problems dealing with the past that my boyfriend has. We're both about to turn 21, and we're both Christians. I really have had what most would consider an innocent, naive life by my own choice. I have never had a glass of alcohol, never smoked, never done any type of illegal drug, and I have never had sex (that's something I fully intend and have committed to God to save for marriage). The guy that I am dating has a much more "colorful" history. His father died when he was 9 and two of his siblings committed suicide. For the majority of his life, it was just his mother and him. Needless to say, due to the disarray in his life, he got involved in a lot of things. He did and sold illegal drugs, was an alcoholic, and had sex with a number of females. The person he is today would give no indication of his past (which I know truly is a sign that God has worked in his life). He's a very mature, highly respected young man. He is a member of AA, and he attends regular meetings. He obviously didn't disclose this information until sometime after we had known each other. And, of course, I was quite shocked.

Now I find myself having a very hard time dealing with this. Not only have I had a far more "inexperienced" life, but all my close friends have had lives similar to mine. As a result, my boyfriend's past really is having a hard time settling in my stomach. I know his drug and alcohol problems are completely cleared up. He's been free from drugs for about 7 or 8 years, and he's been sober for coming up 5 years. The one thing bugging me more than either of those is the fact that he's had sex before. I almost think part of me could handle it better if I knew he had only had sex with people he truly loved, but that certainly isn't the case. His last girlfriend (whom he broke up with about 4 months before we started dating) and him did have sex, and she had had an abortion about 2 years ago as a result of that. He has told me that he's made an amends with God, and that he's asked God to help him in that area of his life. He said that he never in a million years thought he'd date a virgin, and if someone had told him a year ago that he would, he wouldn't have believed it. He has never pressured me in any way to have sex with him. He has totally respected me. I just find myself regularly thinking about the fact that he's had sex before. I feel that because I haven't had sex, I hold it up so high, and because he has, he doesn't regard it quite the same. What gets me is that I didn't do anything, he did, yet I'm feeling hurt and betrayed.

We have been seriously discussing marriage lately. I must admit that I do love him, and our relationship truly is something unique. Many people have commented about wishing they had a relationship like ours. I certainly have never been this happy in my entire life. I just keep having such difficulty dealing with this sex issue. Part of me would really like for him to call every girl he remembers having sex with and apologize. But I know that's not realistic. When I casually mentioned that to him, he thought I was being absurd. I need some help and guidance on how to deal with this. I just wish I could make the feelings I have about it disappear. Everytime I think about the fact that he's had sex before, I feel sick to my stomach and just want to go somewhere alone and cry. Please help. I've talked to relatives and friends, but none of them have been very helpful.

You have quite a find, especcially at your age. Most young men would not respect you like you say he does, respecting your clean life and comittment to purity. But you are right, this must be cleared up. Especcially if you are talking about marriage. The two of you have probably talked long and hard about this, and if you haven't, please do. If you have trouble bringing it up, show him this letter. You need to keep talking about this. Tell him everything you've just told me. And once it's all out there, like you said, you need to cry. You need the emotional release. You need to learn that you can cry on his shoulder. And don't be surprised if he cries too. This has probably been very hard on him also. Now, pray together. He has said that he has made amends with God, and I'm assuming that he has apologized to you. He has probably beaten himself up about this, and you both need to recenter your lives and relationship around God. Ask God to take control of both of your hearts, minds, and hormones. (As you get closer to marriage that last one becomes tougher and tougher.) I think I speak on behalf of all of my readers when I say that you have been blessed, and have a wonderful thing waiting for you.

Response to #8, which we think is important enough to become letter
#15:

What on earth are "sexual boundaries?" You talk about them alot, but what do they mean? and what exactly is forbidden?

Paul wrote, in his first letter to the Corinthians, "'Everything is permissible for me' -- but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me' -- but I will not be mastered by anything." (6:12 NIV) So we can do anything? Well, there are many different views on this, varying from the thought that hugging is a mortal sin to the "everything but sex" mentality. All of these have somehow found their base in something somewhere in the bible, often taking verses out of context, or "interpreting" scripture to suit their wishes or traditions. The bible speaks to many sexual subjects, including "fornication" or pre-/extra-marital sex, homosexuality, and bestiality (and doesn't speak to masturbation, as some people think -- but that's an entirely different discussion in itself), but it doesn't speak to the fine line separating these sins from proper sexual practice. And so we're left to muddle our way through the barrage of sensual images and ideas bombarding our minds. Right? Wrong.

The Bible doesn't speak to these fine lines because of the hypocricy that results when people become legalistic, and focus on all the tiny details instead of the bigger picture. (e.g. the pharisees of Jesus' time, like "whited sepulchers", looking all pretty and lawful on the outside, while evil and dying on the inside.) So what's right? Is each person to decide? No. Many of us have gotten into situations where it was, after a certain point, impossible to retreat. Maybe it was saying something that you knew you'd regret, or ignoring safety procedure because "I knew what I was doing!" We all do these things, and we all suffer the consequences. So it serves that sexual practice would follow the same way.

There is a point at which physical intimacy becomes decidedly sexual. I could hug a friend, and though it displays physical intimacy, that would not be sexual. I could give my boyfriend a peck on the cheek, and though we have a physical intimacy which allows this, it would not be sexual. In many countries, a "holy kiss" is a formal greeting. All of these display the level of physical freeness we have, and that we can do these things without being decidedly sexual. However, at a certain point, things cross the line. Unfortunately, it is not a fine line, nor has it precise edges. If you can not do something without arousing yourself sexually, do not do it. French kissing is most often the place where this line ends, as it is a decidedly sexual activity. Some people are more open physically than others, and can kiss girl and guy friends, while others shy away from a hug from a new love interest. Above those things which are societally deemed "sexual" (french kissing, petting, necking, various stages of undress, extra-genital contact, etc.) we have freedom, but "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28 NIV) What's that mean? It means that if we engage in an activity which causes us to think of having sexual relations with a person, we have done just that.