Have you ever seen the movie The Way We Were? The main characters are a couple who, although their values are somewhat similar, make a mistake in marrying. The values in question are not religious, but political and social. The problem is that She is very committed to her beliefs, while He takes a more laid back approach to life. This in turn, affects Her actions, and she becomes very unhappy. In the end, they divorce. Chances are, you would not attend church regularly with your husband, and he would either feel uncomfortable going, or simply not go. Would you feel guilty if he quit attending church because of your relationship? What beliefs will you raise your children with? What will you do if problems arise which seem impossible to overcome? Would you suggest divorce? What would happen if one of you worked for a cause the other does not support? These are only a few of the myriad of questions and problems which can arise from value-differentiated relationships. I suggest that the two of you evaluate the risks involved with this relationship, and take a serious look at the consequences of such a serious commitment as marriage, then determine whether or not the two of you should continue this relationship.

#42:

Please can you help me? I am a 23 year old engaged to be married in a few months to a 29 year old. We knew each other for a year before he told me that he had slept with someone. I was really shocked because he is a Christian and is otherwise virtually vice-free (doesn't smoke, drink, swear..) - it was not something I expected from him. Still we were - and are - very much in love, and we got engaged. Then a few months ago, he told me that he had slept with two other people, both of them older women (which makes me feel extra insecure and naive), and the last one was a totally shallow, and really unforgivable fling with a woman he had only known for a few days. He did struggle for a long time over how to tell me, so I don't mind so much that he took so long to tell me, but after this last shock, I really began to doubt that I knew him well - he did not seem like the kind of person who could do that. We've talked about it many times since, and it always makes me utterly miserable and cry, which he hates, because he says he only wants my happiness. I am a virgin - despite opportunities - and I always expected that marriage to another Christian would mean that sex would be something unique and special between husband and wife. He has shattered my dreams, and does not realise why it is so important to me. I don't know how on earth he could have separated love and sex in his own mind - he says he did not love any of the 3 women concerned. He keeps blaming the women concerned for pressuring him into it - which does worry me a bit, as it seems to indicate that his principles are not strong enough to stand up to testing. I don't feel that he is at ease with it, since he hates us talking about it, but he says everything is OK with God - but still I don't feel I can ever come to terms with it unless he does. I feel betrayed, even though this happened before we met each other, like I was loyal to an as yet unknown husband, but he couldn't be loyal to an as yet unknown wife. He wants me to be happy, and says he will do anything, only just tell him what to do, but I don't know what to do. Every time I think about him with another woman, I am torn to pieces. I often feel like I couldn't face sex within marriage with him now. He feels that I should not keep blaming him for the past, but it is affecting our present and future. Will I always feel so jealous and hurt? How can we deal with it TOGETHER, and with God? I can't tell anyone about this of course, because they all think he's wonderful, and like me, wouldn't suspect him capable of such shallow behaviour. There is nothing else wrong with our relationship - I love him very much, and I can cope with all his other flaws, but this one is so intimate and personal. We can't change the past, but I don't feel I can live with his past. Praying doesn't seem very helpful either, because it is so unequal - he is in the wrong and I'm not - so it doesn't bring us together. Is there something wrong with me for hating this so much and being unable to come to terms with it?

First, let me tell you that what you are feeling is totally natural and normal. You feel betrayed because you believed that he met all of your expectations, and he gave you no reason to doubt that belief until recently. If, as you say, everything else in the relationship is well, you may want to show him this letter, and explain to him that although this is as unpleasant for you as it is for him, it will only stay unpleasant until you talk everything over. There are a number of issues here, any one of which is too big to be dealt with in one advice column, so I suggest that the two of you seek out your pastor for a meeting. Do not worry about "ruining his reputation," your pastor realizes that everyone is a sinner (even himself!) and will certainly keep this confidential, especcially if you ask him to. If you can afford it, another option is seeing a Christian Marriage Counsellor, who will be able to deal with all of the emotional issues involved more thoroughly. Whatever choices you make in dealing with this, remember that although he has sinned against both God and you, it would be just as much a sin not to forgive him.