DISCLAIMER: OK.... here we go... all and sundry legals. I do not own Xander, Buffy, Willow, Angel or Giles. Not even in their spare time. I mean no threat to Joss and no insult to any of the multitude of fan clubs out there (though ya gotta admit, it?s getting kinda bloody...) and please don't sue 'cause I got no money. Feel free to distribute this but ask first. Or is that an oxymoron...? Xander poked his head out of the broom closet and surveyed the library. The shouting was quieter now, and nothing seemed to be broken or burnt. He ventured a nervous comment. "Are they gone yet?" Willow looked up from her collapse point on one of the chairs. "Not exactly," she mumbled before sinking back into unconsciousness. Xander stepped out of the closet and essayed over to the boarded window. Peering out, he saw only the littered alley, trampled but empty, with a few discarded objects which he didn't really want to see lying around. "I don't see them," he said. Buffy appeared from the stacks. "They aren't gone yet," she reported glumly. "But at least they've stopped trying to burn the library down." Xander reddened slightly with shame. "I can't believe I hid through the whole thing," he groaned. "Maybe they're right, I am a coward." Buffy gave him a stern look. "Don't say that, Xander! Nobody expects you to come out and face a mob that was howling for your blood like that. Jeepers, they can get violent...." "If they're not gone, what happened?" Buffy's face grew guarded slightly. "They're busy elsewhere," she muttered. "What?" Xander demanded. Willow roused herself and staggered over to them. "More specifically," she said with the tactlessness of one who had just woken up, "the 'Beat Xander Till he Cries Like A Baby' coalition, 'RABID', 'The Troll Known As Xander' club and all the rest of them met up with the 'Xanderluvers' guild, the 'The Babe Known As Xander' fan club, the 'Research Boy' gang, the 'Buffy & Xander Forever' ring, the 'Xander Club' itself, the..." Xander had gone an unusual shade of green. "I think I get the picture," he choked out. "My God..." Buffy nodded grimly. "It's turned into a full-fledged gang war out there," she summarized. "And it gets worse." "How could it be worse?" he shouted in a suffused tone of voice. "They'll tear each other apart!" He collapsed into the chair that Willow had recently vacated. "Maybe I should just give myself up," he muttered into his hands. Buffy reached down, pulled his chin up to face her, and stared sternly into his eyes. "Don't talk like that," she ordered. "They'd kill you in an instant and things would be worse than ever. Nobody will die if you just stay tight." Xander mustered a sickly smile and nodded in the direction of the sounds of violence. The distinctive whoosh of a flamethrower was clearly if faintly audible. "So sure?" Buffy cleared her throat. "Does anybody remember the good old days, when all the Buffy clubs were of one mind and one heart..." "Not really," Willow chirped. "There were always fanatics." "Yeah, but they usually didn't get this violent. Now? It's a full fledged war out there, and I'll bet you almost anything that if we went out and talked to them right now, face to face, they wouldn't listen to a word we say. God!" she exploded. "I don't want this! We have enough to deal with, with the Angel crisis and all..." Her voice trailed off. "None of us wanted this." Willow put her hand on her friend's shoulder for support. "If it's any consolation, Buffy," she started, "there'z the Hellmouth's ANGELS, the Caravan to Hell, and all the other innumerable uzi-toting pro-Buffy-Angel clubs who are pressuring Joss to do something about it. And then there's always third season..." "Don't bring up Joss," Xander groaned. "He was the one who's responsible for all this mess, from 'Innocence' to 'Becoming'..." he trailed off. "Yes, well, half of them are too busy drooling over my boyfriend to be of any use, and the other half are out there fighting the Xander fans!" Buffy shouting. "There're almost the same number of fans who want nothing more than to see Angel staked!" "No, Buffy," Willow tried to placate her, "that'z just the screaming Miss Calender groupies..." "Not just," Buffy bit out. "What about the morons who want me and Xander to get together? We've settled this, we're just friends! AND all the idiots who are still hot for a Xander/Willow romance that WILL NOT happen." She shut up before something flew in her mouth, such as her foot. In the uncomfortable silence that followed, Xander changed the subject with an almost desperate air. "You said that there was more?" Willow blushed crimson. "Yeah," she mumbled. "It seems that word got out about this rally--" "This mob, you mean," Buffy muttered. "And the other fan clubs seem to be showing up. We Possess Willow Power arrived just before you came out of the closet, and they're still coming." The blood drained out of Xander's face as if a vampire had stopped for a snack. He turned to Buffy. "Tell me it's not true," he pleaded. She nodded unhappily. "It's not even confined to Xander lovers/Angel haters-Xander haters/Angel droolers any more. By my count 2 Oz clubs, Crimson Kisses, four Spike-Buffy matchers and three other Spike gangs, the 'Cordettes' the anti-Cordelia organization and the Watchers' Booze association have showed up in the past half hour." "Now would be a good time to panic." "No kidding." Buffy gulped. "Hopefully, they'll be so busy fighting each other that none of them will think of lobbing a grenade through here." "We can hope," sighed Willow. "But I'm not betting. Have you SEEN the Hellmouth's Angels?" "Willow, there are so many fan clubs out there..." "You'd know if you had. They drive motorcycles, tote uzis to a man and are loaded with so many weapons I can hear them clank from here. And at least half of them are screaming for Xander's blood." A muffled moan came from Xander's direction. Willow glanced at him and went on. "I swear I saw one girl actually foaming at the mouth. With a cheese grater." She shuddered. "Please, Will, that's a mental image I could have lived without." Xander sighed. "Even some of the most non-violent fans get murderous when the fanatics go on their respective rants. I recognized one of the sweetest fans I ever met, armed with only a rolled up Buffy-Angel poster and a much-mangled 'Becoming' tape, out there locked in mortal combat with some jerk toting an bazooka that read 'The Forbidden Love: Willow-Angel Forever'." "Poor girl." "She was winning." Willow's eyes were distant, as if fixed on some beautiful vision. "I never saw paper cuts so nasty..." Xander's concern for the hapless fans melted into nervousness for his own health. "Buffy, do you really want to drink my blood for... um... that little lie thing during 'Becoming'?" Buffy gave him a Look. "Of course not! We all did crazy stuff during 'Becoming'. The one fan club I approve of is the PBSD." "What's that one?" "Post-Becoming Stress Disorder." "You don't blame me for Angel getting stuck in Hell?" "I blame Joss..." Both their faces darkened. "Guys?" said Willow, peeking out a window. "Yeah?" "What do you say that we play a nice round of 'Blame Joss For Everything'...somewhere far away from here?" "Why?" Buffy said, a frown creasing her forehead. "I see several cars coming this way..." "Yet another arrival?" Buffy groaned. "Yeah, well, I think I know them." "Who is it now?" Xander asked. "I, uh... I think it's the Nosferatu." The Slayerettes exchanged worried glances. "Yeah. I'd say it's time to bail." Buffy shuddered. "Why?" demanded Xander. "It's just another fan club, right?" He wilted slightly at the pitying glances the girls gave him. "What?" Willow shook her head. "You haven't been online lately," she said sympathetically. "No, because you and Buffy deemed it 'too dangerous'. What's the problem?" Buffy was already gathering up their schoolbags from where they had been forgotten just before sunset of this awful day. "You see, Nosferatu is a large and somewhat elite group of fanners that are as whacked as Dru and hold other fan clubs in contempt." "So?" Xander demanded. Then his eyes widened. "Oh. OH." He jumped up. "I think you're right," he acquiesced. "It is past time to scatter." The three crept to the escape access, a window that led onto a nearby roof. "What do you say the three of us go on some patrol, so we don't get chewed out by Giles for not being here?" Willow whispered. Buffy snorted. "Giles hasn't got a hate club. But maybe you're right," she added after a moment's thought. "A few dozen vampires, maybe an unkillable demon or two..." Her face acquired a thoughtful look. Xander nodded agreement. "Much better than dealing with irate fans." Help me come up with a good title already (feedback to cryzycyt@yahoo.com) :Let's go visit the Xander-Man I'm havin' a funny... more BTS, more! This stuff may be funny but Cat can angst with the best of'em... The Brotherhood ][ Last Man Out ][ Blacklight Behind the Scenes ][ What's Mine Is Yours ][ 3 Thru The Merry-O Swing Set ][ The Healer ][ Black & White The Meek Shall Inherit ][ Rosemary For Remembrance