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| AND A GOOD WEEK WAS HAD BY ALL |
| After enjoying a long period of inexplicable popularity, Elvis-mania finally dies down and the King is sold at auction for $22.98. |
| Giraffes everywhere are thrilled when Gerry Giraffe is named Vice President of Product Promotion at Kraft General Foods, Inc. Gerry got his start at Kraft in the mailroom, before becoming a receptionist, then Vice President of Product Devlopment. He and his wife Gina live in Tanzania. |
| PLEASE ALLOW PICTURES TO LOAD. THIS WEEK'S PICTURES ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY: |
| Having run out of sandbags and rocks, Houston residents begin using live cows to stop flooding. "We're just going to slaugther them anyway," said one rancher. "The massive water flow should tenderize 'em good." |
| Joe McShaw, an Idaho farmer, inadvertantly finds the Garden of Eden in Custer County. However, McShaw is immediately removed for eating forbidden fruit. "Durn shame," said McShaw. "The ladies was nekked." |
| Journey frontman Steve Perry, aka MC Hammer (right) lobbies on Capitol Hill for the abolishment of parachute pants. Since 1990, parachute pants have taken over 2,000 lives, more than surfing and tetanus combined. |
| Also on the Hill this week, a Firestone Tire breaks its long silence to proclaim its innocence. "It's those wankers at Ford," said the tire. |
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| Hundreds of Dalai Lama fans enjoy the spiritual leader's pep rally before his forthcoming fight with Vice President Dick Cheney. "He'd better be packin' heat when he shows up," said Lama. |
| "I'll tell you what I'm packing, baby," responded Cheney. |
| The Secret Service opt for a newer, user-friendly look. "We work for a clown," said one spokesman. "Might as well dress the part." |
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| The Revolutionary War Recreationist Society takes heat for the historical accuracy of their events. |
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| Accused money launderer Pavel Borodin claims he committed the crime after being turned into a zombie. "Ahhhghhhhhh...," said Borodin. |
| You got your ass kicked. I SAID, YOU GOT YOUR ASS KICKED! I SAID... |
| BLESS YOU, MR. PRESIDENT |
| President Bush meets with Swedish Prime Minister Goeran Persson. "I don't even know where the heck Swedeland is," joked Bush. "Africa, right?" |
| "You just keep babbling on you hopeless little windbag. Russia will own your country in months.You make that "Putin On the Ritz" joke one more time and I'll shove a hammer and sickle straight up your...." |
| President Bush listens to the Rangers/White Sox game during the European Union conference. "Some of those other leaders don't even speak English," noted Bush. |
| Polish First Lady Jolanta Kwasniewska picks up Bush's spilled champagne glass. "All Polish broads got hooters like them?" asked Bush. (After Bush sobered up, he clarified his statement, saying "I just wanted to know if they were really as stupid as those jokes, you know with the light bulbs and the submarines with screen doors? 'Cause frankly, it wasn't that funny a country." |
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| America's number one place to ogle waitresses. Now featuring Jolanta Kwasniewska look-alikes. |
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| The Froo Froo believes in supporting the fine ladies of Hooters, many of whom are destitute crack addicts who need your help. Hooters -- it's more than a meal, it's a good deed. |