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"Mr Smith, I have reviewed your case carefully," said the divorce court judge, "And I have decided to award your wife a sum of £500 a month." "That seems to more than fair, your honour," replies Mr Smith gratefully. "I'll try to chip in a few pounds for her and the kids each month myself"
A boy is walking home from school one day when a car pulls over. "If you get in," the driver says, "I'll give you £10." The boy refuses, and carries on walking. A bit further along, the car pulls over again. "How about £20 and a packet of sweets?" The boy tells him to get lost, and walks on. A bit further along again, the car pulls over. "This is my final offer. £50 and all the sweets you can eat." The boy stops, and walks over to the car. "Look," he hisses, leaning into the window, "You bought the Skoda, Dad, and you have to live with it!"
Q/ Why did God create Adam first?
A/ To give him a chance to speak
Two bats are out for a midnight feast. After a while, they meet in the belfry. Boris is still starving, having not been able to find anything to eat. But Brian comes in licking his lips, with fresh blood dripping from his mouth and fangs. "Wow," says Boris. "I couldn't even find a mouse to eat. Where did you get all that blood?" "I'll show you," replies Brian, and they fly off into the night. After a few moments, Brian slows down to a hover, and says "Right, see that tree?" "Yes," says Boris, licking his fangs in anticipation. "WelI," says Brian, "I didn't."
The woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, but she has faithfully stayed by his bedside every day. One day, during a spell of conciousness, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered to her, his eyes full of tears. "My dearest, you have always been by me. Through all the bad times: when I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked, smiling as her heart filled with warmth. The man feebly lifted his head. "I think you're bad luck."