Grown up archives.
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Part12

From Qui-Gon's POV:

I roll over in bed. Mmmm, he's still here. I wrap my arm around him and draw him into a kiss. "Qui-Gon, my love," he whispers into my ear.

"Mmmm, did you sleep well, my love?" I ask still in a half dreamy state of mind, eyes closed.

"Qui-Gon", I feel gentle nudging on my shoulder, "it's time to wake up."

I lean into the touch, so warm, so loving, "Xanatos, my love," I say just as I'm about to reach his lips for a kiss. I open my eyes.

The hand is pulled away sharply, "No, MASTER!" spoken with such malice. "Not Xanatos, Obi-Wan," the voice is cold and full of pain.

I see the look of hurt and anger flash across his face as I snap into a state fully awake. 'A dream,' I think as I realise what I've done, but before I can form words to apologise, he’s gone; out of my room, and heading for the front door.

I jump out of bed; too bad for every one else, I'm just in sleep pants. No time to dress. I grab my robe on the way out, throwing it on as I run after Obi-Wan.

"Obi-Wan! Wait!" the desperation in my voice surprises me, and I think Obi-Wan too, for he pauses and spins around, an unspoken accusation staring me in the eyes.

We're in the middle of the hall way, but I don't care.

"Obi-Wan, please, I'm so sorry." I'm on the verge of tears myself and as I see his begin to fall, the last of my composure fails me. "Forgive me Obi-Wan, please, I didn't mean... It was a dream, I'm so, so sorry Obi-Wan. So very sorry, Obi-Wan."

I move forward, want to touch him. I want to hold him in my arms, I'm desperate. I want to comfort him and be comforted. I hurt, I think as much as he does. I've hurt both of us!

Obi-Wan moves away from my outstretched arms coldly, roughly, "Don't touch me! I'm not the one you want!" The hurt in his voice is not pointed at me, not to hurt me, no its his hurt that sounds so clearly in his voice, but nothing could hurt me more than knowing I've hurt him so.

I break down in sobs and hit my knees. "Can you ever forgive me? Obi-Wan, my Obi-Wan, I love you so much."

"No!" Obi-Wan growls at me, "No, I'm not yours, not your Obi-Wan. YOU don't want ME, you want HIM, you want Xanatos. You never loved ME!"

Obi-Wan storms off and I just crumple to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. "Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan, I'm so sorry," I whisper. 'What have I done?' I think to myself as I lay on the floor. The sobs jar through my whole body. I can hear the Jedi that have gathered around me. They're asking me if I'm OK, they're asking me what happened, and if Obi-Wan is OK. 'How can they not know?!' I ask myself, my anger flowing out to them. It touches them and it scares them enough that they leave me alone. I hear a few of them run after Obi-Wan. I just lay there sobbing, trying to reach Obi-Wan across our training bond, but he's got his shields so tight I couldn't tell if he is still alive were it not for the stomp of his boots still echoing off the temple walls.

A gentle hand touches my shoulder, but no, it's not Obi-Wan's.

"Qui-Gon Jinn," my master's voice is gentler than I can ever remember it feeling in the past, "Off the floor you will get, and come with me you will, my Padawan."

I get up grudgingly, but my sobs have stopped, if not my silent tears. "He hates me," I whisper, more to myself than to him.

"Hate you he does not," Yoda's voice is more commanding than I except, "Love you he does. Hurt him you have, but hate you he does not. Angry at you he is. Truth he fears there is in words that he said only to hurt you." I let Yoda take my hand and guide me back to our apartment, Obi-Wan's and mine, our apartment. I don't even want to walk through the doorway. Obi-Wan is everywhere in there, I can feel his force signature, see him on the walls. The place drips of Obi-Wan and the only thing I can think of is what I've done to him.

"Sit," Yoda commands, so I sit.

"Master, I," I hang my head, I can't even bring myself to tell him what I've done. I am so upset, so full of pain, and shame. I've betrayed Obi-Wan, betrayed him with one word. "FORCE! Sith in hell!!! How can this be!? I can't let ONE word destroy years of love! How could I do such a thing!?" I scream at the walls, I scream at myself.

"Feelings you have for Xanatos still."

I could kill him with my glare.

"How could you say that!?!" I am beside myself with anger that I now point at Yoda, "I hate him! I hate Xanatos, and I'm a Jedi, I'm not supposed to hate!"

"Wrong you are," Yoda says in a calm voice, "hate a Jedi can. Let it control his actions, a Jedi cannot, let it cloud his judgment a Jedi cannot! Xanatos you hate, yes, but hate you can, only one you love. Too strong an emotion it is for love not to be related to hate."

There is no point in lying to him or myself; I know he is right, and he always wins anyway. "Forgive me, master, I was out of line," I say those words, and I feel even smaller than Yoda looks. "You are correct, I know it is true," I continue, "I loved and cherished him, and then he betrayed me, and so now I hate him... but I have always loved him... and now, now I've betrayed Obi-Wan, the one I love more than life, the one that I care about more than the force!"

I break down into sobs again.

Continue on to part 2.