MAZFIN.COM---MR.FRIDAY
NIGHT'S(alex gledhill's) COLUMN!
Thursday 8th March
DUE TO THE FACT THAT I AM TONING DOWN MY ACT,
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF READING A SMALLER AMOUNT OF SWEAR WORDS THAN USUAL.
DO NOT BE ALARMED, I THE QUINTESSENTIAL STUD MUFFIN SHALL STILL BE MAKING
MY VARIOUS SMUTTY REMARKS THROUGHOUT THE DURATION OF THIS AMAZING COLUMN.
Welcome to the one and only Mr.Friday Night Column
Experience! The main draw here at mazfin (with the exception of the equally
incredible message board, which I play a big part in keeping alive) is back
with another bone-bending, classy column. It is this column, the same column
that is read by my head of year and my very own mother (god forgive, oh wait
I am god), that has led Maza and Fin to make me head of the mazfin column
section, which brings me to my first point…
I understand that there has been a mixed reaction
the firing of the shaven kitten maniac, Tom Marshall. On one hand, you’ve
got the sensible people who realise that Marshall’s Column is the worst thing
since Afternoon Viewing on Channel 5 and that me firing him was a great idea.
Then you have the rebels who are upset at my decisions. I believe one of these
rebels is none other than fellow columnist and my very own employee Philip
Manley. Well Phil my son, nothing personal, but my decision on Marshall stands
and if there is any strike, I shall not be alarmed as I have several columnists
lined up to join the site. But, Phil I would like you to stay and to show
I have acknowledged the people’s feelings, I shall let Marshall come back
for one last goodbye column. I have no vendetta against Phil by the way before
the gossiping starts
People have been asking me why I am not taking
the piss out of so many of my COUGH COUGH! Schoolyard Chums in this column
anymore. Well to be honest, I’ll write about anything from Bailey’s Skidders
to Willett’s little misdemeanours (more on that later), but I don’t want to
go to far with the old piss-taking thing. Why don’t I take the piss out of
Callum (an obvious choice)? Well to be perfectly honest, even though he is
a sad squeaky loser, that beats up on young kids and takes the piss out of
my good mates (I admit that I do), does such a character deserve a place in
my column? Certainly not. Ryan Wise? What’s the point? Nobody likes him anyway,
so why bother?
I‘ll freely admit that I am a TV Addict, as well
as a quintessential Stud Muffin and hero to many, but I have been disgusted
at the recent episodes of Neighbours on British Television. Why the hell do
we have to watch the likes of Paul the Puff (Harold’s Rent Boy), Lance the
Loser, Alana and that scheming little bitch Felicity? Why? When we could be
watching the likes of Lou Carpenter, Joe Scully, Susan Kennedy, Stano and
even though he isn’t on much, the truly likeable Hum the Gook. By the way,
why do the Neighbours always worried about Prowlers. I’m sorry but the line
‘We’ve been burgled,’ sounds much better than ‘We’ve been prowled’. Enough
of the Aussies and onto a completely different set of species…
Yid Army Yid Army! This weeks analysis of the
Spurs Boys is a sorry and taunted one after we suffered yet another humiliating
and disappointing away defeat at the hands of Derby County no less. We could
have earned ourselves a 2-2 draw, but in the end went down 2-1 to the Rams.
Not a good start to the ENIC Reign, but a sign of good things to come from
young monkey, I mean defender Anthony Gardner. In other news, ENIC want to
move the Yid Army over to a new 55,000 Seater Futuristic Stadium. I may have
only been to White Hart Lane once, but damn it’s a great atmosphere and a
nice ground, so I am not too fussed about moving. Anyway, bring on the Hammers
this Sunday in the FA Cup Quarter Final.
Lets now dedicate our thoughts to the seriously
alarming lack of parties. The last party (though it didn’t go without it’s
hitches and bad timing LLIWETT, unscrable that little anagram please) was
held by Stacey Carter and I thought I did a damn good job of rescuing it from
being a complete Cluster Fuck of absolute fucking boredom and making it a
right grand old occasion. We need more parties’ people. Some fuckers got to
hold one soon, so the bunch of boring, brainless losers that is Year 11 at
Holy Family School can have a good time (not as good a time as Vicky (Woof
Woof) seems to be having, and Mr.Willett and Miss Carter for that matter,
though). Is it hot in here?
Film Review! This week I have decided to review
the highly praised Submarine World War 2 Drama, U-571. I own this film on
DVD and I must say, I was thoroughly entertained upon viewing it for the first
time a few weeks ago. It is action-packed and full of nerve-racking moments
(like the Tottenham Hotspur Penalty ox at the moment it seems), making it
a great all-round production. Well worth seeing (I’ll lend it to anyone who
lives near me and has a DVD Player), I’ll give it 8 Marks out of 10.
Ladies & Gentleman, Boys & Girls Fucknuts of
all ages, Alexander Gledhill proudly brings to you the best thing, since Mr.Friday
Night himself, MOFO's and KNOBBAH's of the week. On with the MOFO's:
5. Steven Wright. Me and Stigsworth were so fucking
bored in history, we decided to work out how many courseworks he's got hanging
over him. How many would you say? 4,5 or 6 maybe? 16 is the actual figure.
Well, anyone this fucking lazy (and cool) must be a snazzy bitch and therefore
they are a MOFO in my books.
4. Billy Mitchell. Who the fuck is Billy Mitchell
you might well ask. Well it's the fella whose 4'5 off Eastenders and in Dan
'The Fucking Man, cos I shot that cunt Phil's words' the lad who ain't started
shaving yet. But lets be srious, if it weren't for Billy there wouldn't be
an E20 and in my books, that makes him a top bloke.
3. Bender from Futurama. Appearing in MOFO of
the Week for the second time in it's glorious history, this robot is one hell
of a funny bastyard. A bit of a cross between myself and Homer Simpson, the
character of Bender is just pure class from top to bottom. He's a right mean
cunt and he's always stealing watches (the show reminds of when I went to
Braithwaite in that sense), but he's still lovable, like me.
2. Mansoor Hussain. Basically, this Asian Stud
is in here because of his little one-liners about the Erotic Asain Godess
Bina. It's Bina hard day, he says to Joey Cutler and it's it's bina tough
piece of work. I wish I could do this, but due to the fact that I promised
to tone down my act and be a bit fairer with our Netball Wing Back, Joey,
I can't make any sly comments (the missed opportunities are killing me). Let's
get Manny writing a column and soon.
1. Myself. Yes I am in a big-headed mood this
week, but I have good reason to be pround of myself. After all, it was me
that got Tom Marshall fired and got the main in a kilt (who has a problem
with warm rooms by the way) Jonathan Wilett hired. I'm sorry for the arrogance,
but I really am 'The Saviour of the Mazfin Column Situation.'
The fucknuts are listed below:
5. Toadfish Rebbeki. Toadie is lowering himself
even nearer to the levels of Lance Wilkinson. I could fart out a better Radio
Show than the one he does and please forgive me for saying this, but I can
see Toadie's shirt being ripped off by one of his 6 fans in a future episode.
Sorry, if you were eating whilst reading that last sentence, but I must warn
my fans. See the bottom of the page for a bit more on Toadie.
4. Simon Bailey/Ryan Wise. This is a joint ward,
for both tese people are doing my head in sying that 11J are going to beat
11A in the interform. Well I hate to be the one who pisses on your bonfire
girls, but I'm going to have too. Our team is solid all over the park and
I have a feeling that we're going to bea toyu (especially if we get Earley
back).
3. Vicky McGuiness. I don't have anything personal
against her, well I do actually. The way she is shagging, it is only a matter
of time before she becomes preganant and gives birth to a pup, I mean disgusting
baby. Imagine, no don't imagine what the child will bark, I mean look like.
2. Lee Bowyer. He's a good footballer, but at
the same time he's a fucking thug and if he goes down, he'll get what he deserves.
I like to call him the Leeds United Cretin, because although you LUFC Scumbas
might worship him, he's a retarded fuckwit, with a messed up face and he's
going to go down as well. Bowyer's going down!
1. Darius. As if last weeks description wasn't
bad enough, now I've found out that this knobrash is Scottish. Therefore,
he deserves his place as KNOBBAH of the Week.
Quote of the Week: 'I'd be urinating in my
Big Sexy Pants'. Christopher Smeaton on myself.
If you've got a problem with me, then go and
see a doctor because I am Mr.Friday Night and nobody who is sane can possibly
dislike me. Anything else? My address is
alexander@dougals.freeserve.co.uk
These two are twins but they don't know it:
IF YOU WERE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO MISS
MR.FRIDAY NIGHT'S LAST COLUMN, HAVE NO FEAR, JUST CHECK IT OUT BELOW!
Thursday 1st March
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING COLUMN CONTAINS LANGUAGE
THAT IS NOT FOR THE MILD-NATURED. IF YOU ARE MILD-NATURED THEN I URGE YOU
TO READ ON, BECAUSE TONIGHT YOU ARE IN THE DOG HOUSE!!!!!
Welcome to the one and only Mr.Friday Night Column
Experience! Yes it is I, the saviour of the mazfin column situation here to
prove to my millions of fans why the critics call me The Whole F’n Show and
why I have to sign so many autographs for the no-hopers and losers in this
world. On with the column, for I am growing tired thinking about you people…
Speaking of the column situation, it is a rather
pitiful one. No wonder I am the only one tied down to a contract, for despite
all of my work alongside names such as Mel Gibson, Demi Moore and Arnie Schwarzeneger,
the co-webmasters need to rely on someone to right a damn good column every
week. Well never fear, for I am on the look out for future columnists at mazfin.
At first, I was looking for Steven Wright, but lets face it, this guy cant
be arsed to open his eyes sometimes, so what are the chances of him writing
a column. So I have decided to look no further than the Asian Sensation himself,
Mansoor Hussain and I am now making a public request to bring Hussain onboard.
If not for my sake Maza and Fin for the sake of your visitors, who have to
endure mediocre efforts from many of my fellow columnists every week.
I am now going to talk about the Holy Family
Netball Team. Not to rip on my fellow columnist Fin’s ideas, but who in the
world can’t talk about the wonderful COUGH COUGH! Talents of Year 11’s finest
ladies. Well let’s be honest, our defence is just shit, we have nothing to
be proud of there, but our attack is full of wonderful players such as Laura
Wilson and Deborah Millward and now lets move on before I throw up thinking
about the boring and incredibly sad game that is netball.
It is about time I voiced my anger at the show
known as Popstars. Now British Pop is bad enough as it is, with bands like
Steps, S Club 7, A1 and Five. But now, some of the bigwigs at ITV and god
knows where else think it’s a good idea to assemble a band of 5 from about
a million or whatever the ridiculous figure was. I viewed the show Popstars
on one occasion and was disgusted at the site of one sad man trying to sing
Angles by Robbie Williams whilst doing many Superman like actions. Then there
is Darius, the bigheaded cunt with and girly attitude. Needless to say, I
was up to my bedroom within minutes and watching WWF Smackdown, an entertaining
and enjoyable show. Thank god Popstars is over, but they are still promoting
the hell out of the band and they are doing many more Popstar Extra shows
or whatever the hell they are.
Yid Army Yid Army! 2-1 at home to the Northern
Bastards known as Leeds United. All due respect to the racist cunts, you played
well, but that fucking Bowyer is a diving cunt and that was definitely not
a penalty. Anyway, our glorious home record is broken and Spurs have officially
been taken over by ENIC. I am frightened by this takeover as ENIC have boldly
stated that they us as an investment and a business, not a football club.
If results go against the boys on the pitch, then ENIC will definitely know
about it after saying that.
Staying with football, I was delighted and highly
encouraged by England’s 3-0 victory over Spain on Wednesday Night. Even though
the match was a friendly and the Spanish players attitudes were questionable,
England thoroughly deserved the win. Sol Campbell was definitely man of the
match, playing a pivotal role with a commanding performance and showing why
he should lead England from the centre of defence with the captain’s armband
on his arm. I would also like to say that Pakkie Bash… I mean ugly cun… I
mean Lee Bowyer should not be in the England Team like moist Leeds Twats seem
to think he should. He is actually a good player, but we have several better
midfielders in Dyer, Beckham, Gerrard, Scholes, Barmby, Cole and Carrick.
I hate to break all you sad cunts hearts but it’s true. However, Nigel Martyn
is our finest keeper by a long long way.
Film Review! This week I have decided to review
Mission Impossible 2, sequel to the very disappointing Mission Impossible.
This film has an interesting little storyline and is full of decent action
sequences all the way through, including an excellent Martial Arts seen, which
reminded a lot of ECW’s Rob Van Dam (who also calls himself The Whole F’n
Show). Tom Cruise is quiet good as the main character Ethan Hunt, but the
rest of the acting isn’t very good at all. MI: 2 is a fairly good film, much
better than the original, but somewhat of a James Bond Rip-Off. I’ll give
it 6.5 out of 10. I would also like to know your favourite music from the
movies, mine is Indiana Jones, mail me your thoughts (my address is at the
bottom of the page). By the way, the BAFTA’s were a complete farce, Gladiator
should have cleaned house, instead we had to watch that fucking Billy Elliott
pick up several wards. It’s a tragedy. Fucking silly cunts.
If you are one of these, you might find yourself
listed as a KNOBBAH this week. However, if you are a sound bastard, you could
prove to be a MOFO. Find out by reading on:
5. Sven-Goran Eriksson. I am delighted to have
included Svenners as a MOFO this week because he has made a fine start to
his role as England Head Coach. Who can blame him for not singing along to
the National Anthem properly? God Save the Queen. Fuck the queen I hate her.
4. Homer Simpson. Making a deserved return to
the MOFO listing is the greatest father of all time, Homer Simpson. Homer
just delivers priceless comedy time after time in each episode. Who can forget
lines such as ‘A gun is a tool like a hammer or a wrench or an alligator.’
3. Lou Carpenter. I really do hope that the bigwig
of Ramsey Street and god of Australian Soaps, Lou Carpenter win his case at
the tribunal. He does right to evict the lads from Number 30. For fucks sake
they are sad enough to put pictures of Alana on their mugs.
2. Sol Campbell or FEC as I should call him.
FEC means Future England Captain because that’s what Sol is. His recent form
for club and country has been his best in a while. On his day nothing gets
past him and when he’s not on his day, nothing gets past him.
1. Maza. Well there’s a turn up for the books.
But I would like to commend this guys testicular fortitude. He’s a decent
hacker that has been scanning ports for a while now and the other day he received
a letter from cableinet. Maza’s response: I’m hacking as soon as I go home
tonight.’ His target: RYAN WISE. If that doesn’t deserve praise, then what
does?
Fucking KNOBBAH’s:
5. Vince McMahon. He fired The Kat from the
WWF, fair enough. But he should have known that through firing The Kat, he
would be losing Jerry Lawler at the same time. For those of you who don’t
know, Lawler is the WWF’s Colour Commentator and in term, the best in the
business since Bobby Heenan in his pomp. His humour is similar to mine, in
the fact that they are both great. Bigheaded me? Aren’t we all? Anyway, now
Lawler is gone from the WWF and that’s like HFS Year 11 without me, a disaster.
4. The Undertaker. WWF 5 & 4 this week. Oh well.
Seriously, The Undertaker is heavily pissing me off at the moment. He can’t
work a good match, just like Bradford City can’t win a match. Along with Kane,
he ruined Edge & Christian’s match at No Way Out and therefore he’s got to
be a KNOBBAH.
3. Toadfish Rebbeki. Fat Toadie from Neighbours,
what a jackass. How dare he stand up to the mighty Lou Carpenter? I hope the
silver fox teaches him a lesson or two, as porky needs it. The only reason
he doesn’t want to move out of Number 30 is because Lou is the one who owns
the fridge, not Toadie.
2. Darius from Popshit, I mean Popstars. The
love child of Beethoven (the dog) and John Goodman father to Andy Lowe, I
mean DJ and wife to Roseanne, really pisses me off. I thought he was meant
to be a loser in this pathetic show? Then why does his face have to be in
the fucking Newspaper every time I open it?
1. Lance Wilkinson. He’s back in the space that
is rightfully his and boy does he deserve it. First of all, he is obsessed
with that reekazoid Alana Truman, the girl from Mars or some other planet
that Lance would get a boner over, watching Star Trek (like Wrighty I may
conveniently add). But what really pisses me off is the fact that he calls
Toadfish a Peacock to insult. Peacocks an insult? That’s almost as bad as
butmunch!
I would like to conclude this week’s column
by expressing my strong disapproval of the decision made by Maza and Fin to
post a graphic showing the faces of mazfin on the main page of this very site.
Not that it’s a bad idea or anything but there is two fucking shit photos
on that logo that Mr.Friday Night doesn’t like being associated with. If you
don’t know who the two people are then just take a look right now and you’ll
see what I mean.
As always, I am willing to accept e-mails.
Mail me by clicking here.
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